Friday, March 31, 2006

"The Sentinel" Is Going to Rock Our Worlds

I can't remember the last time I saw a preview for a movie and spontaneously started jumping around like a little girl giggling, "omigod, omigod, omigod!!!" But that's what happened the other day when all of a sudden a preview came on the television for The Sentinel. The film stars Kiefer Sutherland as some sort of counter terrorist unit federal agent type do-sweeter. Sounds like 24 which could go either way, but here's the glory: Michael Douglas is the co-star. While Michael Douglas is most likely a womanizer, cheating, egotistical bastard, I love the man on film. From Wall Street to The Game to Wonder Boys, the man can act, and i'm constantly happy with his work. The combo of Kiefer and Michael Douglas made me not only giggle and jump around the apartment, it made me have to run over and call somebody. Like I just got engaged or got a job or had my first taste of red meat on pizza.

The Sentinel is like 24: The Movie without suffering the indignation which comes with making a full film out of a tv show. Coincidentally, last week I made a reference to the made for tv movie that Saved By the Bell did before going off the air, and this week I see an ad for a 24 ripoff movie? A) I'm the man and B) I'd say 24 is definitely in its last season. Aside from everybody being dead, Kiefer has started looking for other work, and with typecasting in full effect, who would ever want to see Kiefer on a small screen again, when he can shoot, kill, torture, swear and bare his nudicles on the big screen? 24 is back...only it's not called 24 and I have to pay money to see it...but i'll be the first in line when Kiefer and Michael face off.

Keep It Jack (or whatever his new character's name is),

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Slapping the 24 writers with a section 112

Remember when Curtis slapped Rudy with a section 112 and stripped him of his command? I'm doing that to the writers of 24 right now, right this instant. But here's the problem, I don't know what a section 112 is. I mean, they could have accused Rudy of a dozen legitimate things, like "being way too short" or "filling CTU with homo-eroticism" or "being a really terrible annoying character". Either of those work. But I'm assuming a section 112 refers to an employee or member of the organization losing control of a situation, where subsequently someone must say "Hey, hey you, sit the F*$% down and let me take over for a while. That's right, sit in the corner, bitch".

And with that definition in my head, I'm slapping the creators / writers of 24 with a section 112.

Fellow bloggers, fans of 24, Jack Bauer followers, Gentlemen and Gentlewomen, it's time we did somethign about this atrocity we call 24: Season Five. I'm tempted to carry this out like a trial for crimes against humanity with we, the bloggers, as the lead prosecutors, but frankly, I don't have the time. As such, I invite you all to take the torch and run. Instead, i will present my thoughts in Bulletpoint format.

-When Aubrey was named as the inside person in CTU / DOD, for the first time in weeks, I was PUMPED! Sure, the whole "Jack's female interest being a terrorist" role has been played out. It was so good the first time, that I'm glad they dropped it. Frankly, Aubrey cannot pull off the terrorist thing like Nina Myers could. She was dark and sinister in a sexy way. So on one side, I loved the plot twist, but on the other side, Aubrey just can't pull it off. That's like being the royals and you've had Ruben Gotay playing second base for a whole season, so Allard Baird announces you've acquired a second baseman! Only... it's Mark Grudzielanek, and he sucks, just not as bad as Ruben Gotay. That's what we are, my friends. We are a group of fans following a once-proud franchise of people who lost their way.

-There was a new hot chick introduced recently, and let me just say that she is REALLY Hot. But, like Carrie, I knew not to get attached cuz something would go wrong shortly after her introduction to the show. Sure enough, there it is. We all thought the sleazy looking dude from Homeland Security sexually harassed her, right? Well, after curiously-hot-CalTech-grad saves the day by finding the natural gas plant, Bill "The Man" Buchanon" gets so excited he brushed her shoulder. To which she responds "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong"


That would be shocked silence coming from Big Ho. It took them 34 minutes to change "curiously hot chick" into "ok, now I get it" chick. I mean, come on. This is crazy. If you're gonna give a girl baggage, don't make it baggage that every man watching is going to get uncomfortable with. Make her a nympho that can't get enough sex. Make her a hardcore baseball fan. Give her a shoe addiction, make her a cage fighter, something!

And this is just part of a trend with 24. They have been unable to sustain anything good for more than a quarter of an episode. CTU got attacked by Centox! Holy crap! Edgar is dead! Rudy is dead! WOW!! Wait... wait what? They killed Tony? Is this for real. F*%& this s*!t

Audrey is the spy! The daughter of the secretaty of defense sold the country out! Oh man! Oh Crap! Wait... they already did this. Oh, you mean she's not the spy? Oh, and she forgave Jack in like 13 seconds for throwing her against the wall and bitching her our for being a slut? Great, keep up the good work, gentlemen.

-This season has featured:

1) The death of some of the coolest characters to ever grace a TV screen

2) Some of the most randomly generated Terrorists of all time

3) Said terrorists have nothing special about them, no evilness, no creepyness, no "this guy is completely capable of doing absolutely anything at any time"-ness about them. They're just a weird looking dude with a blond haircut and cheesy accent. What happened to the mummy? What happened to the Drazens? What happened to Nina Myers? Did the 24 people think they could just throw a random terrorist up there and we would just be scared?

4) I'm calling it right now: Jack is becoming a wuss. And I've realized something: Jack Bauer is the embodiment of America. Jack was once a man's man, capable of shooting old women in the knee caps, capable of killing anything that moved without feeling bad, a torture expert, and more importantly, a complete emotionally unattached killing machine. What is he now? He's broken.

Audrey: I didn't do it Jack! I love you
Audrey: Jack... no....
Jack: Ok, guys. She's innocent!

What the hell, JACK!? Are you really willing to sell your country out like that? I know you were furious cuz the traitor got some nookie, but come on. Ridiculous. But really, isnt that what's happened to the United States? Completely overreact, overly violent, we'll eat anything we're told with a spoon, and then we apologize like bitches cuz we're afraid of hurting people's feelings.

One last thought before I leave this: If Curtis doesn't start kicking some ass REALLY soon, he's going to become the Corey Patterson of the 24 world. Curtis got a lot of credit for looking like an absolute badass, much like Patterson had gotten a lot of credit for having "tools" and "athleticism". But what has Curtis done? Nothing. If he doesn't start performing (I.e. working a walk every now and again and maybe start inching that OBP over .290) I may send him to 24 purgatory.

Hollah at a playa when you see him in the street

-Big Ho

P.S. Some of you will notice that I no longer refer to Jack Bauer as JB, per my first post in this blog so many episodes ago. As Stephen Colbert would say: Jack Bauer, you're on notice.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Women have lost their goddamn Minds

Well, I'm at the end of my rope with 24. Jack did return to his Bauer-esque torturing and terrorist-owning statuse, but the chicks (sorry girls who read this) are going crazy. As is my usual, a simple list of the zany ladies that fill the 5th day in the 24 universe:

1) Kimpossible - now suffering from post-traumatic-jack-disorder, she is drawn to her porn star like psychiatrist or therapist or analyst (maybe an "analrapsit"... second consecutive shout to Arrested). Didn't even hang around CTU after almost dying to say, "Hey pops, glad you are still alive and saved my porn star boyfriend's life."

2) Chloe - grumpiest of the grumpsters. But she may be losing the grumpness, on the pure fact that she is one of the only holdovers and people are just getting used to her ugly mug and scowl. Like the fact that she stood up for the busty-ginger (who is obviously crazy as well). Even though I am starting to hate her less, I present some actual quotes from my roommate about her:
"Gross, I don't know how you watch this show with this bitch on it"
"Again, fuck, get her off the screen."
"There are so many hot girls in the world, and they pick her, she isn't even a good actress, she just looks like she is doing what she does everyday."
"Dude, I have to go in the other room, she is that gross."

3) Audrey - also suffered from post-traumatic-jack-disorder by hooking up with former chief of staff Will "I'm Cummings on you." (I thought of that 10 minutes into this episode and have been giggiling ever since). Not too crazy, but she cries too much for me. Also, she is way too forgiving for a woman. Oh wait, Jack tortured and killed your husband (they were still married at the time), Jack faked his death and didn't tell you, and Jack smacked you around for selling information to a little vixen. Yeah, she's crazy for being in the same building as Jack.

4) Michelle - shit, the most normal is also the most dead.

5) Female terrorists - Subcategories on this one.
The vixen right now. Didn't she have a gun in her face last episode and she said Audrey gave her the info? Now this time, oh wait it was robocop that gave me the info. Stupid.
Nina Fuckin Meyers. Don't even get me started. Nothing will crush me more than the final hour of season 1 (just remember where you were when you watched it, then think about this season... crap).
Every other CTU vixen that got caught. Obviously they weren't good at what they did, so Jack took them down. Just crazy for thinking they could get past Jack Bauer.

In closing, women on veinte cuatro (24 for those of you who no hablo espanol) are bonkers. In terms of this week, he is fine. No way they are gonna keep the show going sans-Bauer. I couldn't deal with watching Chloe look at a computer screen for an hour a week.

In JB I trust,
- A dash

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 8PM and 9PM the Week After I Broke Up With 24, but then Gave It Another Shot Because It Cried

What the hell is going on??? The show started with a "Welp, I guess Tony's dead, moving on" and ended with a "Jack sure knows how to pick em" ending. Why do I keep getting the feeling that they're trying out that "Monkeys writing Hamlet" theory and having 20 chimps typing furiously away until something vaguely resembling a 24 episode emerges?

The episode starts out with Jack leaving Tony's warm corpse to go track down a terrorist who is so diabolical that she gives customs the ACTUAL name of the hotel she's staying at. There's a logical plot gap for ya. He rushes off to meet Curtis without even saying a single goodbye to the daughter he was just reunited with and might lose again in the next 15 minutes if things go badly. Fact remains: Even Jack hates Kim. Remember, Jack chose to climb into air vents possibly filled with deadly gas rather than spend half an hour in a room with Kim last week. So he rushes out of CTU while Barry's laying some pipe in the CTU Murder Room (not to be confused with the CTU Morgue which is more commonly known as CTU Medical Room).

Next we get some luscious Droopy Dog footage as he follows the VP's advice and alerts the media that a curfew is being put into effect for LA County. He, does, however deliver the best acted line of his career, saying, "Are you crazy?" to his wife, who hours before he accused of actually being crazy.

Jump ahead to the homeland security folks arriving at CTU. Thanks guys, I can't get enough of your "Asshole superiors inexplicably treating a well-established government organization like shit" plotlines. I can only describe the new "annoying/bad guy" from homeland security as a Goober. Chloe starts to talk back to him before realizing that her character will probably be dead in the next hour or so, so she hands over her ID card to a guy who says, "Egdah's dead, so I guess I can take his seat," showing his full sensitive side by adding, "Holy crap, this seat is so short and wide, was this Edgar a fat sack of fat or what?? I'm serious Chloe, I am from Homeland Security, answer me!"

Mrs. Droops tells Aaron she doesn't trust the VP followed by Wayne's World Palmer calling up A-Train and telling him he needs to see him in person. Meanwhile the VP says, "Don't worry, we're aware of the legal situation, our people are working on it right now" with such menace that I had to laugh. I mean, c'mon, 24 just tried to make, "Are you aware of the subtleties of the constitutional law process" scary and imposing.

Next, Me-so Mischa Barton and the soon to be found out undercover German agent aka German Jesus, part ways, leading to the inevitable Mischa Barton: Part Deux being a terrorist who will get taken down by Jack. Do we even have to see this plot play out? Hot Terrorist Women are the equivalent of the Spanish Announcer's Table in wrestling. They do their usual routine on the sideline until all of a sudden they're slammed into by Jack Bauer (and that's in a confusingly sexual-inuendo free way. I mean, c'mon, Jack did heroine, but he can't hook up with a single terrorist chick? Apparently terrorist women are the single hottest demographic in the world besides "Deal or No Deal Girls". Even Nicholas Cage banged the drug dealer's wife in Face-Off!) and left wondering how this could happen.

On to the terrorists whose script sounds like it was written by Flowers For Algernon. "Do' she' ha' da schematics an' access codes?" "Ye." Could they write the plot exposition any more obviously? They might as well say, "Ok, let's recap." And ramble off everything that's happened so far and what will happen next. They DO however show us schematics and say, "Here is where the bomb will go off" pointing to a vague area on a map. Unfortunately, they're foreign and out of touch, so they selected The Staples Center during an LA Kings game. 40 people will die while wondering why nachos taste so good when they're dipped in that spicy nacho cheese. I can't help going back to them saying that 200,000 people die, which is still the worst act of 24 terrorism around. Why did they lower the bar? Remember when EVERY NUCLEAR POWER PLANT IN AMERICA was supposed to melt-down? Now the terrorists are trying to wipe out the audience at an Eminem concert. I wouldn't put it past Fox to have them bombing the American Idol Finale. I also wouldn't fault the terrorists.

WHAT MOVIE WAS THE HOMELAND SECURITY WOMAN FROM? The Bourne Identity? Man, that's gonna bother me. J-Kow, you're on it.

I'm about to Buch-anon all over the place. Another ousting of the CTU head plot. 24 needs a "Hawaiian Vacation" episode so badly right now. Can someone please get Dustin Diamond on the phone? Maybe Zak Morris' cell phone that the terrorists always use has him on speed dial.

There is an inverse proportion of 24 show quality and 24 music quality. The soundtrack is owning this season.

Curtis is jumped by German Jesus and immediately takes a Black Chuck Norris pose while the guy is holding a gun. "Never bring Bear Claw Technique to a gun fight" Sean Connery says. This just proves that Curtis needs more to do so he stops wasting all his time on the internet looking at Top 30 Fact sites.

German Jesus says he can't give Jack the info because he can't risk German lives. Jack says they'll be risking 200,000 American lives. Which got me thinkin. Is there ever going to be a time when The Holocaust CAN'T be thrown back in the German faces as a rebuttal? It's the "Infiniti+1" of world politics.

Is "Unan1mous" really just Saw: The TV Series? On another note, I'm so much happier wanting to see Bones than actually ever sitting down to watch Bones.

Can we cut out the line between "Lemme have a minute with the terrorist/informant/etc. alone" and "Alright"? Is the "Jack, what are you doing?" really still necessary? We know what he's doing. He's either talking or torturing. There aren't any fruit roll-ups getting passed around that you're gonna miss out on by leaving the room.

Chloe spills coffee on Goober Agent who says, "What's wrong with you??" I guess the 24 writers still have a little power over me because I actually respond to the tv, "How about she just survived a nerve gas attack and 60% of CTU is dead!" I think this officially makes me a middle-aged black woman.

Me-so Mischa Barton gives the terrorists the pass key for the whatever, i don't know what's happening on the terrorists end, but I do know that nobody shoots her on the way out. What the hell is wrong with these terrorists? Nobody survives the post-giving information or services phase of the evil plan, especially hot contract terrorists!

The VP thanks "Governor" on the phone for enforcing the curfew. I can't help but laugh knowing that "Governor" is Ahnold. It's just a matter of time before he gets involved and takes out the conspiracy all by himself. Also, has anyone else noticed that the Vice President looks EXACTLY like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It's uncanny.

"Miss Hayes, that's not a threat, that's a FACT!" Sick quote. Fact: Even Jack Bauer Reads "Jack Bauer Facts". For a guy who "Doesn't work for CTU" Jack sure does work for CTU. "There will be repercussions!" Hayes tells Jack. "Fine!" Jack responds, adding, "besides killing my wife, making me shoot heroine, faking my death, killing all of my friends, and having my daughter get schtooped by a skeazy porn-star, what repercussions will I be facing?"

Who cut funding to these terrorists??? THERE IS NO WAY that Me-so Mischa Barton doesn't get sniped out in the open like that in seasons 1-4. NO WAY. Did Terrorist Sniper School hold students back this year? Did they recruit football players instead of capable riflemen? Is there a Jay Feely of snipers out there, firing so wide under pressure that nobody even knows he's shooting? This is totally unacceptable. The three things that make 24 what it is: Jack Bauer, Torture, and Snipers. Often a combination of the three. The torture is lacking, Jack Bauer is calming down, and Snipers are off the map.

Now the Wayne Palmer (Jeff Golfblum in Independence Day) getting owned by the "Oasis Shuttle." If this were the 24 game, somebody set the Terrorists to "Sporadically Dangerous." The van somehow chases down Wayne's sportscar and drives him off he road. Even OJ made it for a few hours on the freeway in a Ford Bronco. The terrorists (well, Krang's minions) shoulda shot him while he was driving though, because unless PreFontaine is in that van, nobody's gonna catch up to Palmer running through those woods.

I've been dreading getting to it, but finally, Jack interrogates Barton by saying, "We're running out of time" as non-chalantly as I've ever heard. He decides not to torture her because...well nobody knows why really, and decides to give her Immunity For Schematics-- the deal, not the future Indie band. NO DEAL! (it's always No Deal) She concludes by dropping the "fact" that Aubdrey sold her the information. Boy does Jack know how to pick em. Now there's obviously no way that Aubdrey is a terrorist. Not only would it be repetitive plot, but she hasn't even managed to be in the room where the cameras are for most of the season, so I'd be surprised if she could find her way to any useful information. However, if 24 tries to pull that she is a terrorist, I will be forced to turn this blog into the 60 Minutes blog (also in real time). Andy Rooney is the terrorist (definitely worse than Berserko), and Ed Bradley is Jack Bauer-- they even have that ticking clock! Anyway, next week is the real-time, real-time episode, so I expect a better episode, but who knows. This season has been the "Limbo" of television shows-- each week they lower the bar a little and see if they can still squeak by without completely falling on their ass. Until next week,

Keep It Jack,

PS. is the best ad campaign in years.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

There is NO way that Aubdrey is coordinated enough to be a terrorist

Guys? Hello? Where'd everybody go? Where'd all the postings go?

Maybe you're all "too busy" with your "new jobs" to entertain us anymore.

Or maybe everyone is too angry/sad/depressed to keep watching the show formerly-known-as-"24." (Insert random Prince symbol here:_________)

I pose some questions during this lunchtime post:

-Are the real writers locked up somewhere while their doppelgangers eff everything up?
-Did the "Show" really just brush off Tony "the man" Almedia like that? What an awful death. I don't need to get into this... this fact was beaten into the ground last week. i should note, however, that Tony's death was quite similar to Nina's in Season 3 in that the writers were like "I don't know, what do you think we should do? Eh, let's kill her/him."

i hate this show

Monday, March 20, 2006

too mad to think up a clever title

what the hell happened tonight ?? i feel as if the show took a huge turn in the wrong direction. well, they've been easing into the turn for the past week and finally decided to pull a tyler durden and drive us all into oncoming traffic. german secret agents ? exploding memory cards ?? redundant sexy terrorists [the warner girl from season two is still my favorite] ?? wayne palmer ? you expect a man in a four thousand dollar suit to run through a drainage ditch...COME ON !!

im a little too mad to write anything that makes much sense right now, but is this going to be the final season or what ?? they've left the show entirely on jack's broad, sexy, chissled shoulders...but really...he hasn't even been carrying the load that well this season. and dont even get me started with curtis ? what is he jeane-claude van damme ?? you too scared you'll get your face hurt so you just choose to have your character completely void of all action and plotlines ?? come to think of it where is the action this season ? this time last year, jack had already killed the population of a small country, and this year people like henderson are running right out of ctu while jack is crying on the floor like a little bitch. damn you fox. damn you to hell.

i really dont know where we're going next week but i can only hope it's far from where the show was tonight. so until nine pm comes around, i am pretty sure that twenty-four and i are not speaking.

Wet lists, Wayne's World and Wonderful Vixens

First, fuck homeland security. Don't really like them in real life, and hate them in 24. I love that they still threaten Jack Bauer with "reprocussions" for his actions. Also, they are fucking Billy Boy Buchannan. He has had his power taken away one too many times for my liking.

Second, how the crap did Chloe get the wet list from NSA with a couple mouse clicks? Did it not take Mr. Tom "Scientology" Cruise as Ethan Hunt, a whole movie to accomplish the same thing? Didn't he have to break into an NSA facility to get it, using a cable system and trying not to produce sweat? Also, although I'm not as upset about Edgah "Doughboy" Stiles being killed, why didn't they just have Chloe killed?

Third, I like seeing "Wayne's World" Palmer back in the mix. He is as shady as they come in the 24 world, but you need a snake to hunt a mongoose (or is it mongoose to hunt a snake). Anyways, he is a snake, and the vice president is a mongoose (or the reverse of that). I like the fact that he is gonna shake things up, and that 24 has decided to bring back every character still alive. Also, apparently he cannot drive a benz faster than an A-Team van, but that is ok.

Fourth, I love that sexy information swapping little vixen. She is sassy and I love that accent. She has a little Mischa "OC" Barton going on, but minus the OC. If I don't get to see Kimpossible, then she will suffice for a couple episodes (where did Kimpossible go anyways, she and Barry are fine now?) And, I won't talk about what this vixen divulges, but how many times are people going to sell information to shady (yet sexy) information dealers?

Finally, I'm tired of the "Unan1mous" commercials. If I was on that show, I would be a poor grown up crack baby that had AIDS and cancer, but a cure would in my future if I could get my hands on that money. No, I would not vote for anybody else, unless I was in a little alliance with the possibility to get a decent cut of the cash. And Prisonbreak, I watched the episode tonight. I'm not impressed. Break out, then the show will be over. Great planning by Fox (the same channel that axed the best comedy on television starring the Bluth family).

Thats all for now.
- A dash


The Following Realization Took Place Between 7:00AM and 8:30 AM Several Days After the Writers of 24 Effed Us!

As I told JWitz on the Instant Messenger Thursday night, I feel like my dog died. (Well, I think this is how I would feel… I’ve never had a dog.) I’m so bummed right now that I can’t even write. I mean, I think it took me like 8 tries to put a first sentence down.

You may ask, “Tuesday AM Blogger, why are you so down all of the sudden? Tony died on Monday night.”

And I would respond, “I was in denial. For 3 days.” (My posts from the week clearly prove that point.)

And it’s not as though I just watched a recording for the first time, either. On Monday night, I watched the needle go into Tony’s heart. I saw Jack cry. I dropped an F-bomb, and I slammed my sandals on the Ottoman. I saw it. I reacted. And yet it didn’t register.

He’s not dead. Not Tony.

I don’t know if I rationalized him coming back or something. I mean, Tony wasn’t really trying to kill Henderson with a needle, was he? He was probably giving Henderson something to wake up… so that the bastard would feel cold steel in his mouth before his brains were splattered across the infirmary. Right?

I was in denial. And I didn’t get it until I looked at Tony’s profile… “DECEASED”.

Honestly, I was in a haze my whole ride into work after I read that one word. I was sad that I can’t use Tony “Scarface Montana” Almeida (which I had been holding onto for a week now.) I was embarrassed at the absolute BULLSHIT that I posted this week. And most importantly, I was PISSED!!! Effing TONY! I really want to know wtf the writers were thinking! As JWitz said the other night, “they killed Edgah, Lynn, and Tony in way too short a period of time.” But I counter with, “who gives a isht, THEY KILLED TONY!” Big Ho was completely right, Keifer was crying when Tony died, not Jack.

No Palmer. No Dessler. And now, no Almeida. J-NOT-effing-over-it was completely right: the writers are dicks! And they effed us. (“But dicks also eff assholes”… but that’s not the point here.)


Apparently CTU doesn't learn.

What is truly pathetic in the art of TV writing is how BAD the security is at CTU. Personally, the inconsistencies just anger me. How was Sean Astin able to get back into CTU without his badge/key card? I mean, really... And what about idiot Kim's boyfriend/therapist - what - you just let anyone WALTZ into a highly confidential government building? Lame FOX, so lame. If you think about it, a lot more people would be alive during the CTU series if they just had better security. And what's even more upsetting is the fact that after the first "inside CTU headquarters" death there wasn't some crazy psycho security protocol that was installed. There should be retinal scans or SOMETHING that's less easy to fake than a stupid key card!
Pathetic. Sad. And tragic.

And what's with Jack crying with Tony dying in his arms? When his daughter said that she didn't want to see him again Jack didn't cry? His character is so poorly developed at this point (even though I totally wouldn't cry about losing that whore of a daughter because Tony is/was WAY hotter). Which begs the question, is Jack gay? I mean, you come back after faking your own death, see the woman you loved and you don't try to pull her into those "non-security-camera" rooms and get it on? (btw, the only advantage to have shitty security). There's something missing here... It just doesn't make sense why Jack was all worried and went rushing to Tony, but was avoiding Audrey like she was carrying some infectious disease (no comment). I know you may not like hearing that your testosterone poster child could quite possibly be homosexual, but this is what bad writing does to a person.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

My Feelings on an Awful Episode

Should I feel bad that I was chanting "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" when Leslie was running through CTU to turn off that switch? Should I feel worse that I was doing the same thing when he started dying? And Tony cannot be dead by my standards, no montage of non-beeping at the end of the show, and the fact that he always survives (a mere 8 hours got him past his car exploding).

This had to be one of the worst episodes of 24 in the 5 years (or days have you). People standing in a room in CTU and the President being a bitch is a complete description of that episode. I have very little to comment on, because my observational humor can only go so far. On that note I have some 24 and non-24 stuff to tackle.

First - Edgah is lashing out from the dead (or at least Mr. Lombardi is). An article online has his description of when he learned that he was being killed off. "My character was loved more than any character on that show and you kill him?" Also, "I don't know why they did it," he says. "And, to be honest, I think it's a silly move. I think it's a move that they will probably regret. The character was so loved it's not even funny." He also says that it was an attack on Louis Lombardi, and not just on Edgah. (Read it all at

Second - Non-24 related, does anyone here watch The Shield? I'm not the biggest fan of the show, but my roommate insists that a Vic Mackey v. Jack Bauer fight would be one for the ages, and I now agree. So anyways, I was watching last night and one of the guys is going to jail but he opts to go to Mexico instead, no big deal. Then a mere 15 minutes later I was at a bar in Coconut Grove (where to go in Miami when you don't go to South Beach), and that guy was standing right next to me at the bar.
I opened with, "Hey man, I just saw you on TV."
He came back with, "Nice, glad to hear you like the show."
Then I said, "I didn't say I liked the show, I said I just saw you on TV, but I appreciate what you are doing."
He said, "Well do you like the show?"
Me, "It's ok, I'm more of a 24 fan myself. But you boss [Vic] is badass. Are you going to die next week? And why aren't you on South Beach?"
Him, "Yeah he [Michael Chikilis] is pretty badass. I can't tell you if I'm gonna die, or they could take away some of my money. I can't go to South Beach everynight."
Me, "Well, do you want a beer?" (I don't know why I bought an actor a beer, because he could buy me one. I think I was trying to get him to hang out, even though I didn't really have much else to talk to him about)
Him, "Yeah sure, make it a Corona."

So that was my brush with TV greatness last night. There is no way that guy doesn't get killed next week, because he was shooting a new pilot in Miami. Otherwise, I'm still upset about the crappiness of this weeks episode. They need to get Jack back in the field to kick some ass, because he can only choke Barry so many times. They also need to get Kimpossible out in the field, hopefully on a strip club assignment.

- A dash Money

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

WARNING: Post Contains Potential False Hope. Pregnant Women and Those With Heart Conditions Do Not Read

Question: Was the shot that Tony prepared for Henderson, but then received himself, simply another shot of what Henderson had already been getting, or was it a totally new drug that would instantly be fatal? If Tony thought that one more dose of what Henderson had already been getting would put him over the edge since he was supposedly in a coma, there is a chance that Tony lives. Are you following me? Because in that case, what would be an OD for Henderson, who had been getting the drug all day, would simply be a large dose for Tony, and not necessarily fatal.

I would not propigate potentially heartbreaking false hope for no reason. Thinking about Tony's character as a writer, it simply doesnt make sense to bring him back for about 5 minutes of screentime just to kill him again. The only reason that I can think of is so that they get to space out the dramatic material better instead of blowing it all in episode 1.

I think they're bluffing. If Tony really is dead, there are only two explainations: 1. The writers are dicks
2. Tony's contract didn't get renewed

I think that might have been what happened with Palmer since he would be busy with the Unit. Yes, that's the only funny sentence in this post.

The only other explaination I have for everyone dying is this: Season 6 takes place entirely in a zombie world, and everyone is back. Someone find out what George Romero is working on.

Fingers crossed,


I'm Holding My Breath For Next Week's Episode to be Good or I'm Leaving...SO WHY THE HELL DIDNT THEY??

SIRI-OUSLY! I forgot to write this in my first post. Remember how Anonymous Soon To Be Dead Security Guard and Sean Astin held their breath for like 5 minutes? Why didn't they hold their breath for five minutes and LEAVE CTU!??? I don't care if they locked it down or what. You can leave that building or you damn well TRY. You don't just sit there and wait until the floppin and foamin' at the mouth sets in (can Nerve Gas death spasms be referred to as The Foam Dance from now on?). My point is this: You ever take a shower in a communal dorm bathroom and all of a sudden, you know someone just took care of bidness and it's all you can do to not throw-up? What do you do? Do you breath gasping breaths and pass out on the floor that moments before weren't trusted with your bare feet? NO! YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH, FINISH THAT SHOWER, AND GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM because YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! This same principle applies to nerve gas and CTU. It's a flawless analogy.

Keep It Jack,

The Following Took Place Between 7:00PM and 8:00PM on-- Oh Eff It, I'm Just As Pissed As Everyone Else

The writers of 24 need to be grounded. Effing grounded. There is a corner in a dark, dank room, in the basement of a building missing its occupants. There's a twelve story building missing its suicide jumpers. There's an abusive parent who can't find his "kids"...too far? Tough. Because life is tough. Just ask Edgah.

Edgah was a love-able fat chump whose fingers were too stubby to even lookup the internet porn he so desperately desired. And he died from nerve gas...that happens to about one in three-hundred million people, but one of them was unlucky in love, unlucky in life Edgah. Edgah didn't have a heart attack Big Ho, he was just too fat to twitch and froth. How can I be so mean to Edgah? Because he isn't real. He's a character invented by naive puppet-masters of a television show. That's the only way I can reconcile what has happened with 24 this season. Life is tough because David Palmer was shot in the first ten minutes of the show. BAM. Thanks for playing. To quote JKow, "He got all 0's in plinko, the bankrupt on wheel of fortune," or the "No Deal" in Deal or No Deal.

I understoof Palmer's death. Tough call, but a HUGE intro, and it got us hooked. Dead Palmer, dead Desler (i'm shocked we didn't turn Desler is a Tesla - Desla nickname). I assumed the writers shocked us and proved that anythng could happen. That's what they told us was the reason for killing Jack's wife at the end of season one, "to show that anything could happen." Except of course Jack dying which is the only surprise I would actually find surprising, especially now. Chappelle, Mason, Astin, Myers, these were good deaths. I remember in the first seasons how I raved about 24 for being able to manipulate us so well and have us hating Tony the first week of the show and loving him the next. Tony.

Tony's dead. Maybe. Maybe not. I feel like if Tony were dead he'd be lying prone on the ground by the end of the episode, otherwise, they're lookin to trick us again. But who knows. And it's not just that Tony might be dead, it's how he died. First of all, he died at the hands of "Manican." By the time Henderson popped out of his faux-ma (fake coma), he'd been pumped so full of drugs that Barry Bonds said, "Damn!" Lying on that medical table, he looked more like one of Barry's Real-Dolls than a living being. Second of all, Tony uses a needle? Why? Wouldn't suffocating him be easier and more satisfying if you choose not to use the gun and make a mess? The "coming out of a coma" death that Tony may or may not have suffered is pure hack work. Most of all, Tony died without serving a purpose. All of the good deaths in 24 were deaths that served some sort of purpose. Dropping a nuke in the desert, meeting the terrorists demands, or most recently, Astin Martin rebooting the computer. Tony's was cheap and meaningless, like some sort of physical relationship that I hear happens at big universities.

And what about Sean Astin? What was that about? Fine, he's dead, good. But did that scene play out like two writers having an argument or what? "We're all gonna die because you were embarrassed to report a missing ID Card???" should have been followed by, "You expect the audience to believe that motivation???" I love 24 plot filling speaches.

Everyone's right. Carrie WAS hot. Now she's dead. Kim is AWFUL (but her hair IS bette). She's still alive and apparently listening to Modest Mouse's "Barry Me". When Jack walked over and grabbed his neck, that was totally off-script. Barry might be a writer cameo. I won't be surprised if Jack goes back to shooting the junk, adopts Barus (where'd Barus go? Is he dead? I forget), and starts hanging around Taco Bells during the day, and killing everybody who makes the "Modern Classic, Good to Go" gesture to the clerk when they order. Or maybe he'll just run off and start killing EVERYONE, testing out different ways to kill as he goes: "Foot through the skull...THAT WORKED!...Icicle in the eye...THAT WORKED!"

I'm fed up with 24. It's times like these that i'm glad we have each other. My only guess as to what is happening is that they're killing off all the characters that wouldn't do voices for 24: The Game. Redeam yourself 24. Help us. We're all real-time.

Keep It Jack (because it's all you can count on in this world),

PS. I don't know if I can handle another "outsider regime taking over CTU plotline" with Homeland Security. I dont even care that the VP is probably a terrorist or that President Droopy in all his terrible-ness (worse than Grape Nuts Cereal)didn't even make my rant this week because everything else was so bad. Just don't give us ANOTHER rerun plot. (and this is coming from a guy who watched all the syndicated Mad About You episodes with him family at dinner).

Liberal arts essays, religious fanatics, and 24-induced tears...

If I were still at Bates, this particular episode of 24 would have been a perfect subject to base an 8-10 page paper on. Preferably for a Gender Issues or Soc class, but really, liberal arts is liberal arts. After juxtaposing the breathing patterns of Jack (chooses to hold his breath) and newcomer Barry Landes ("Is taking a deep breath your answer to everything?" -Chloe), I'd tie it all together by analyzing Kim Bauer's search for a father figure. Then again, this is coming from a girl who got a C in Cosmology after writing a final paper based around a line from "Dazed and Confused." I'm glad this blog is semi-anonymous.

Back to Barry Landes, I'm still pretty surprised he's not uber Christian. I could have easily seen Kim turning to God in her time of need... especially since she's made such major transformations in the four and a half years we've known her. She's gone from unruly teenager to nanny to highly unqualified CTU agent (HELLO, she dropped out of high school). I don't see why she can't be born-again next.

Also, in my 4 years of watching 24, I don't think I've cried very often during the show. I can't really remember crying at all, except for when that old guy who ran CTU was dying of something or other and had to say goodbye to his son, or almost said goodbye to his son, or something along those lines. And didn't he get shot in the head by Jack by some railroad tracks, or was that another guy? Also, I ALMOST cried when I thought Aaron was dead after the Russian prez's limo was attacked.

ANYWAY, I DID cry when that random security guard was saying goodbye to his daughter. WHAT A CHEAP SHOT, FOX!! I was all cried out by the time Jack Bauer actually shed some tears for Tony, which only made me feel like a bad person.

And PS, how about "24: The Game"???

RIP: Jose's dedication to the show

My wrath, my fury, they know no bounds.

Last night was the final straw. In the first show, they assasinated President Palmer, who could singlehandedly carry an entire episode by himself. He dealt with a coup d'etat, assasination attempts, terrorists, etc. I don't need to write the man's resume, the name Palmer speaks for itself. So what do they do in the first 10 minutes of the show? They kill him. Oh, Flipping sweet. What next, they're gonna kill Tony?

Well, my friends, that's exactly what they did last night. Some A-hole stuck a needle in Tony's heart and killed him. Did you see Jack Bauer's face? Jack Bauer was more upset when Tony died than when Terry, his wife died. That was a look of pain. And Kiefer didn't have to act. That was the "I can't believe they're killing off every single character who is somewhere redeeming in this show and now we're going down" look. That was the "This show is the only reason my career didn't take a dive like Vlade Divac and now I'm screwed and I'm gonna have to make movies like Taking Lives or more voice overs for The Land Before Time X". You thought I was kidding. Kiefer did one of the voices in Land Before Time 10. Look it up.

Guys, I don't even know what to do. I need someone to talk me off the ledge here. How is it possible that both Palmer and Tony are killed off and CHLOE STILL LIVES?!?!!!?

Through the years, 24 has lacked that real bombshell woman, with the exception of Kim. Except Kim was in highscool during the first show, so frankly, that was wrong. Even to me. So they bring her back this season, right? Except 1) She's an even worse person than she was before 2) She's being banged by a 45-year old porns star posing as a clinical Pyschologist and 3) Her long hair makes her look terrible. SWING AND A MISS!!

Before Kim came, there was Carrie, who was legit bangin'. Her role in the show? She got stabbed in the back 2 hours after her introduction. I'm furious about this. Absolutely furious. And it was Edgah's fault. This has been covered. I'll move on.

One thing I'm thrilled about: Rudy is dead. And his death was actually quite satisying (it does raise some questions, which I'll pose in a second). I loved the image of Rudy convulsing to the floor right before he foamed at the mouth and crumpled to a ball on the floor. It was great. Frankly, that could easily represent Sean Astin's career at this point. Who on earth would hire him? He has quickly become one of the most annoying actors in the business. His role in the Lord of the Rings was... flamboyant. In "50 first dates", I almost punched the screen every time he came on. And now, he was easily one of the least likable characters in 24 history. And you wanna know what?

Tony died because Rudy is a fruit.

Rudy A) Got his ass kicked by some random druggy. Shouldn't this dude have some training? B) He was too stupid / proud to do the right thing and tell CTU that his key-card was stolen

This all led to Tony's death. And that poor security guard who had to say goodbye to his daughter. That was tragic. Why did it happen? Cuz Rudy SUCKS.

When Edgah died, I felt bad. Edgah was just a sexually frustrated computer hacker who couldn't get any. Sure, that lisp was annoying, but that's the worst he had going for him.

Even when some of the bad guys die, I'm upset because I lose entertainment.

When Rudy Died, i was jumping up and down. Ask my neighboors.

One thing about Edgah and his death. Did you see the way Rudy and the guard died? They started shaking violently and then foamed at the mouth, then went into the fetal position and died in a pool of their own saliva, blood and piss. Edgah clutched his heart and fell to a heap, and that was that. My friends, Edgah didn't die from teh Centox gas. He died of a frikking heart attack. This cannot be debated.

I wish I had something funny to add to this blog, but frankly, it's not happening. I haven't cracked a smile the whole time I've been writing this. Not one. Not even a chuckle. If you have laughed at any point leading to this, you're a bad person. You've laughed at my misery and you would do it again. Screw you. You know who you are.

So I just have one question: where does 24 go from here? Is it all Jack Bauer? As mighty as Jack Bauer is, could you go a whole show just following Jack bauer and Chloe? Tony and Palmer had been with us since episode one. We had seen them at their best, we had seen them at their worst, we had seen them kick ass and take names. We had seen them as people. Now, halfway through the second to last season, they're both dead, and we have about 36 more hours.

ANyways, I'm rambling right now because of my fury, sadness, anger, and disappointment. It's good to see Cooper on here though. Coop a loop! We need to have a rematch.

Anyways, I'm out. I'm furious. hopefully my next blog features the resurrection of Tony or Palmer or even Nina. I would take Nina right now. She was a bad guy but she was a GREAT bad guy. I feel like we don't have that right now. We don't have a good bad guy. we don't have a good good guy other than Jack. I just feel like they're lost. I dunno...

Peace playas

-Big Ho

back in the US of A

Saw my first episode of 24 since January last night. A couple of quick "I'm such a girl" comments..

- Kim's hair is WICKED pretty this season

- her nose got piggier

- her boyfriend makes me want to squeeze my legs closed REALLY tight

- Tony: that is what you get for trying to kill a man in a coma, and attempting to do it with a drawn-out needle injection scene.. jsut freakin shoot him.... was he actually surprised the guy woke up and got him???
**** At this point I would invite someone to write some rules about killing in 24, just like the nerdy movie store boy had in Scary movie (Never say..."I'll be right backkk", virgins never die (obviosuly there is a different set of rules for 24, because kim would have been killed first season after leaving the van with the rock and roll druggies, and edgah would obvi. still be alive)

- my dad thinks Tony might live.. he is wrong, right? I mean how often does Jack start BALLING like he did with Tony in his arms.. Tony is D-E-D Dead as my boss would say...right?

OK well as of Thursday I will be watching 24 from Mexico with Claudia's (Clow-deeah) son and father from season... 2? so keep up the good work...siri-ously!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

The following took place when I woke up at 6:30 on saturday AM... for no reason

I wanted to get my record 117th comment/post for the week, so I figured I'd post another ~shortie. I also wanted to see if I can wake the sleeping blogger giant in all of us and finish this week out strong.

Last call:

Edgah, I just wanted you to know how well liked you were: even Tuesday AM Cheerleader (who gave up on 24 midway through last season) was legitimately sad to here that you passed. Unfortunately, however, we must carry on without you. I admit it, though. It's going to be incredibly hard to blog... without the crutch of a fat joke anymore.

Turning the page...

Ah, I can see it now. I see some siri-ous A$$ whooping in your future:

-How ishy was it when Tony had to look at Michelle's body? I felt for the guy.
-More importanly, who else hoped Tony's face was all messed up when he removed the bandage? Not for spite, mind you (CB: one of People's 50 most beautiful, I believe). I love Tony. I always have. I was just really hoping that we could call Tony "Twoface" for the rest of the season. I just think that it would be amazingly awesome for Tony to be all mangled when he finally teams back up with Jack, and they whip out their Dostovels (sorry, I'm beating a dead horse with this one) and raise the body count.

I loves me my action:
-How'd they keep this one under the radar? X-Men 3 in what? like 3 months? sick!
-So that movie looks pretty much awesome. Even though I knew what they were bringing in Juggy and the Colorado NHL Team, I really thought they were alluding to Sentinels at the beginning. You know, all the stuff about "Mr. President, the mutant problem must be solved" and stuff. That reeks of Sentinels. And frankly, it smells great. With the key addition of 2 particularly LARGE X-men (one blue and furry and the other silver and shiny), there'd be nothing sweeter than a coupla "Fastball Specials" in this flick.

Baue down, itches!


PS: How awesome has Bill "THE MAN" BuCANNON become all of the sudden?

Friday, March 10, 2006


Eastern equine encephalitus??? no, it's:

"eugoogle-izing 'everyman' Edgah"

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here to pay our respects to one, Mr Edgah Stiles, a victim of a berserk terror attack.

Killed in the line of duty, Edgah died b/c of his compassion for his fellow (wo)man. Regrettably, Edgah has moved on from real time. Never forget, however, that while Edgah may be gone from real time, his memory will always remain in our real hearts and our real minds... in real time. really.

Oh, Edgah, how we loved thee. But did we really know you?

Personally, I say yes.

Over the course of a season and a half, bloggers across the WORLD have seen you blossom from an unconfidant, squirrelly fat man with a lisp/stutter to a squirrelly lisping/stuttering fat(ter?) BAD MOTHA WHO DON'T TAKE NO CRAP FROM NO ONE!!

Siri-ously, Edgah, you matured a lot during you time with us. And we grew with you (just not at the same rate... I hope). A few examples:

1.We cried with you when your "mothah just died"
2.We started the website "www.giveedgahstilesthecredithedeservesforstoppingthe"
3.We itch-slapped the TV hoping that Chloe would feel it. (wait, you had nothing to do with that).
4.This season, we prayed that you and Chloe would get together. (Or atleast give us an IMMENSELY awkward "but I love you" scene.)
5.And finally, we yearned that you could have given a more fulfilling death scene. I mean, come on, the possibilities were ENDLESS! We could have had a #4b (see above). You could have started youk-ing out your guts like like the victims of VX gas in the Rock. Or even better, your eyes could have bugged out like Ahnold at the end of Total Recall. Finally (this is one we were all secretly hoping for), you could have even had a heart attack.

But, alas, Edgah, your (massive) presense and lovable lisp/stutter will delight us on monday nights no more.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

A rather long A$$-specific response post

“You will be hereby known as… Pinto… and you, Flounder”(1)

Austin: as a newbie to the blog, you will be hereby known as “A$$.” That’s the way it is.(2)

I don’t know what it is, but gaining you and coop (coop, a-loop), I feel like I can drop so many more Bates references. I mean, I want to bring in Shawn “The 40 year old vir…just the 40 year old” Kingman and the Commons laughing guy (who I SAW the other day)”, Nate “the 3rd freshman year roommate” Reid, and Pablo (I don’t even need to say Pizza Guy) all the time now. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

Some A$$-specific commentary:

-In an answer to your title question: “never. They will never learn, b/c they always die before they can teach anyone anything. It’s Darwin’s Natural Selection at work… or something. I don’t know, you’re the biology major… umm, DAMNIT!
-Why do terrorists wear suits you ask? (B/c it’s cold in those dark computer-y rooms, obviously.) No, siri-ously, I answer your question with a question: why do basketball coaches wear suits? (SportsCenter Random Highlight Note: that incredibly sweaty college coach from like a week or so ago, he don’t need to look professional. He needs to not sweat.)
-DAMNIT, Austin, I was almost looking forward to The Girl Next Door returning, too. But then I remembered this universal truth: “Even Jack hates Kim.”
-I might have to put some money on Chloe smiling. I don’t know. I may not be a betting man, but I got a good feeling about it. Wait…
-I wouldn’t mess w/ the Unit. Let’s see: they got a T1000 and a man that whoops ass and sells car insurance…. And don’t forget that guy from Felicity. Random-ass group, geez.

1. ok, probably not a direct quotation, but I didn’t see it when I imbd’d that ish
2. I keed, I keed. Good to have you w/ us, siri-ously. Keep hitting jump shots in our collective eyes.(3)
3. Ok, I’m done. I swear.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

In Defense of My Fat Comments: A Sonnet in Free Verse

I stand by my fat jokes. Edgah was nothing if not fat, and we would never have loved him if it were not for his lovable lack of neck and lisping overweightness that swooned Chloe into giving him the scrunched eyebrows of love. And to be honest, it might have been his fatness that killed him. Think about it: If Edgah was thin he would have been smoother with the ladies and never would have snapped at Carrie to go check it out herself. She wouldn't have even wanted to go check it out because of his shear animal magnetism. Then, even if she did go, he probably would have been too vain to care if she was ok. Finally, even if he had gone to see her, he probably could have hustled back to one of the safe rooms before they sealed up. He must have taken the route that the Huxley's took during that commercial break JKow was talking about. I wouldn't be surprised to find a 100 Grand bar in his shirt pocket when the nerve gas is cleared out. But you know what? That's why we love Edgah. I would expect no less from the brilliant eye candy (Whoppers) that is Edgah Stiles.

I predict the season will end with Jack and Tony and Chloe and Audrey and Kim's corpse (which Barry will be dancing with) all partying together in CTU and David Palmer, George Mason, and Edgah Stiles' ghosts will be hovering over Star Wars style, smiling and laughing it up and tag-teaming (Battle Royale-ing?) Michelle Desler while Tony grinds with two girls he picked up at Burning Man. And, oh yes, Jack. Jack will be there, smiling on the outside, but preparing on the inside. Preparing to fight the danger that lurks around every corner. But remember: 90 degree angles are only curves that Jack Bauer made fall in line.

Keep It Jack,

Like Jesus and ripped jeans, I'm back, in a big way.

So the week after I forsook (forsaked? had forsaken?) 24 for boring and crappy plot writing, I sat down to eat a massive burrito from Baja Fresh. I chose steak, thinking myself a man, able to handle the manliest of meats. Perhaps I could have handled it on a normal day, but that day I was a marked man. I am convinced that my 24 badmouthing led none other than Jack Bauer to sneak into the kitchen and poison my burrito. The result was a three day bout with a stomach virus that no one wants to read a blog about. (

I missed posting on last week's episode, which, by the way, brought my faith right back around. And then, of course, came last night's blockbuster tandem combo, which blew me right back on my coal mining ass. What a great two hours.

I figured since most of what I would have to say has been said by my contemporaries, I will simply mention a few real time highlights (i took notes in real time!) from my experience watching the episodes with my grandfather.

5:10 PM Tony stumbles from his coma bed to investigate his wife's condition

Grandpa: He should have a Snickers bar. Get some energy.

5:29 Jack sneacks into Henderson's backyard

Grandpa: Long as you're up James, how bout a drink?

5:31 Jack surprises Miriam Henderson

Grandpa: He's gonna shoot her.

5:56 Jack shoots Miriam Henderson

Grandpa: HA! Right in the knee!

5:57 Buchanan calls Curtis, who has found a timer on the canister. Since it will detonate in a minute, the bomb squad won’t have time to stop it. Curtis picks the canister up and runs out of the basement into the hospital wards. He speeds out the door and gets the canister to the tac unit’s truck where it is sealed into a chemical container. They lock it in as the trigger detonates. The nerve gas is contained and the hospital is saved.

Grandpa: (doing arthritis hand excercises) You ever milk a cow?

It all got a bit blurry after that. Two final comments:

1. The hospital terrorist set the bomb timer for 10:00 minutes. Anyone who has ever played Counterstrike could neutralize him, find the bomb, disarm it and upgrade to an M-16 with the win money in 5:00.

2. Edgah should haunt CTU like Bill Cosby haunted his own house in Ghost Dad. (Spinoff!?!?)

And I'm out. JGeto-ver it.

Monday, March 06, 2006

RIP Edgah Stiles: Eulogies Welcome

The Following Took Place Between 5:00PM and 7:00PM The Day "24" Needed To Make Budget Cuts To Hire Back Elisha Cuthbert (I somehow blame Kim)

This is a very special, very live, two hour diary of "24." Everything is taking place in, yes, real-time. Here we go:

8:02 - Tony's awake! I sleep for longer than Tony coma's. (Even Tony doesn't remember that Michelle was killed.)

8:05 - Did the terrorists run out of snipers or what? How aren't the Subarov's getting shot out in the open right now.

8:07 - Oh shut the fuck up. (24 Blogger Gal says, "Buuullllshiiit") No way Astin Martin's deadbeat sister's boyfriend is in touch with the terrorists.

8:10 - Jack says, "He left me for dead (Henderson). I'm the last person he expects to see right now. Oh yeah? What happened to "For the record, I never thought you were dead."

812 - "Coma head" is so much worse than "bed head"

8:15 - Wouldn't it be awesome if Henderson's password is "Big Boy"

8:17 - Mark this moment as the first time Aaron has given President Droopy the "Bullshit" stare.

8:20 - I think Buchanan just gave Astin Martin a remote control to make a phone call on.

8:22 - Is deadbeat boyfriend drinking Budweiser? I don't know if that's product placement or not. I mean, if your product endorses sleazy drunks, is that free advertising or are fifty Budweiser lawyers getting their briefcases?

8:25 - Isn't bombing a hostpital kind of counter-productive? I mean, half the people there are already sick or dying. If you wanna break morale, you should bomb the physical therapy hospitals where all those uplifting stories take place. Plus, it would wipe out the USA's Murderball prospects, so Canada would be golden.

8:28 - I can pick most locks with a credit card- er, switchblade.

8:31 - "DO you know how this shit works?" - Stanley Goodspeed.

8:37 - Diet Pepsi is such a better performer than The Pussycat Dolls.

8:38 - While I have a minute here, I wanna bring up the fact that Rudy took a huge marketshare hit this week. After years as the reigning reference for underdog glory movies, that autistic kid from Athens, NY schooled Sean Astin/Rudy and took underdog glory to a whole new level. Rain Man can BALL! And...we're...back.

8:42 - Password: BIG BOY! BIG BOY!

8:43 - That terrorist is so not an orderly, he's dis-orderly. In other news, Edgah says, "We're halfway through the database." Do you get the feeling he'd be all the way through the database if he hadn't rocked that dozen doughnuts with lunch?

8:45 - Hey, that nerve gas cannister/bomb has a steady heartbeat.

8:47 - From now on, i'm not buying any cell phone that doesn't have five blades and shaving gel.

8:48 - What the hell? Martha Logan just appeared on my local news preview wearing a cat in the hat hat and reading to children. That's not gonna help her "crazy lady" image any. Did anyone else see this news clip or is Seattle just that action packed that a C-List actress makes the news for reading a book? Newsguy says, "We'll ask her the fate of her character this season." That's hard-hitting journalism, right there. WHOAH! X-Men 3 trailer trailer!

8:53 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, "I SHOT HER ABOVE THE KNEECAP!" WOW, the first torture scene in ages, if not this season just paid out. Fact: Bread Executives refer to their sliced product as the best thing before Jack Bauer.

8:59 - I knew that Gary Oleman look-a-like terrorist would come back again. He eliminated the most annoying element of the show, and i'm praying that he'll take care of the other two most hated; Kimpossible and Droopy.

9:00 - Alright, baby, 6PM and 7PM. The time when Love Connection and Frasier used to dominate the syndicated airwaves. When "I'm hungry" turns to "I'm starving" as it comes out of little kids' mouths. The time when- i'm missing the show. MORE 24!

9:02 - Mark it. Right as I got "Hey, it's Carrie" out of my mouth Carrie told us that "Kim Bauer is here." Sending the hot new chick to break the news is like breaking up with your girlfriend in a crowded restaurant. I wouldn't be surprised if Carrie only showed up last week for this purpose.

9:05 - "It's about your father...He's alive....and he HATES you!" There is no way that Barry Landis is Kimpossible's boyfriend. He looks like a forty year old porn star with the proto-typical terrorist face.

9:06 - THERE IS A VICE PRESIDENT! AND HE WAS IN SALT LAKE CITY "today!" I told you Salt Lake City was safe from terrorists. "Slurp Salt Lake much? - JKow" I guess the VP does too. And he already seems about five million times better than the Droopster. He's totally gonna be a terrorist.

9:11 - There is absolutely no way that with all the drama going on, that security guy at the door doesn't know what Astin "Lynne" Martin looks like. NO WAY. But on the bright side, Kim is very close to a possible death. Aubdrey could go with her. Look, as long as Tony and Carrie make it out alive so they can procreate, I don't care who dies.

9:13 - Brown and bubbly has to be the worst ad slogan of all time. Did they reject, "Like a volcano takin' a dump?"

9:16 - How do you go from Robo-Chase to Pornstar Barry. Oh man! Speaking of Robo-Chase, could Robo-Chase battle RoboCop for ultimate CTU supremacy? "I barry'd you!" Ya know what? God wasn't that great a dad either.

9:19 - Wow. The terrorists actually have a handheld map that leads them to the skeazy back room. These are the details that 24 finally needs to divulge.

9:22 - Henderson's "willing to tolerate in inhuman about of pain." Of course he is. You need to make him deal with a "Robocop-ian amount of pain." They need to do some more psychological torture instead of pain based. Like pour honey in his ears and let out the fire ants. Or paint honey on his body and let out the Edgah. "Mm, is dat glazed?" Man, now i'm just playa hating.

9:26 - I finally just said, "Oo, that looks good!" to an episode of House. House vs Bones: FIGHT!

9:33 - "You acted like the President of the United States" says Mrs Droopy. "Yes, I did," replies President Droopy. Really? He did?? What about that whole, I gave the terrorists the limo route? Oh crap, Carrie's gonna die. Crap. Yep, Carrie's dead. Never bring a cell phone to a knife fight.

9:39 - X-MEN III: The Last Stand looks SICK. Brett Ratner or not, no Bryan Singer or not, X3 just eclipsed 24.

9:40 - 24 Blogger Gal says, "Ok, Kim is already sucking"

9:46 - E'erbody in CTU gittin' crunk (if crunk means blowededed up)

9:49 - Please don't tell me that Rescue Me has been replaced with "Black. White." AHH! Why are they showing us previews for next week RIGHR BEFORE CTU gets nerve-gassed??? COME ON FOX! These have to be the same people who cancelled Arrested Development, Family Guy, and Firefly.

10:00 - Uhh...I have no smart-ass comments. Sound editing should win an Emmy for the 3 seconds of silence for Edgah at the end of the episode....Dead Edgah does sound pretty catchy though as a band name....ok, one smart-ass comment. And I guess it was kinda obvious when Jack said, "Oh my God" when they saw Edgah, I mean they might as well have followed it up with, "We KNOW him!"...and even if Kim had to make it into the room, did Barry have to? Still, Edgah, we hardly knew ye.

Keep It Jack,

Terrorists... when will they ever learn

So, this is my first post, taking place between the hours of 12am and 1am (east coast time), my name is Austin. Witz and I had a little talk earlier and he invited me to post about 24, and being that Jack Bauer decides the fate of the world with every passing second, I thought it would be a good idea to post.

I would never doubt the abilities of Jack Bauer and CTU, but the terrorists are getting dumber and dumber. Like tonight, would it kill a terrorist to ever wear a hat so the overhead cameras couldn't see them. Once you get behind closed doors, bam, throw on a trusty Sox cap and CTU could never identify you. And why even challenge Jack? If you are being interrogated and not cooperating, somebody is getting shot in the knee. Don't terrorists realize that Jack has killed 93 of their kind in the first 96 hours? (I have no idea how many this season) Also, why do terrorists always hang out in dimly lit rooms with some computers? Why do they always use satellite phones with huge antennas? Why do the head terrorists always wear suits? (Look back, all of them always do)

Some other quick thoughts
1) I disagree with Witz, because I am extremely happy that Kimpossible Bauer is back. When 24 is in day 25, she will be President and Tony Almeida will be running a rebel group outside of Nicaragua.
2) What do you think Edgah's last thoughts were? God, I love that bitch Chloe? Or, dammit I'm so pissed I won't be alive for Microsoft to premiere Windows Vista, which will finally shut up those goddam Mac lovers?
3) My Aunt went to private school with Audrey Raines (not a good point, just wanted to show my connection to 24)
4) I heard the line for Chloe smiling this season is at about .0004%
5) I hope the show "The Unit" (ridiculous name for a non-pornographic show anyways) will fail miserably. Only in the hope that day 6 will actually take place before day 5, so that David Palmer can return to the 24 universe.

Thats all for now,
- A Money

the world needs more teddy bears

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would say everyone is upset that Edgar was sent on hiatus tonight. That's right, he'll never die. Why? Because he's Edgar, the dude has a photographic memory! I mean it's not like the fact that he's this big teddy bear doesn't help or he's just too cool to go. I am upset. I'm considering even a Bring Back Edgar facebook group i'm that upset. The dramatic finish with the clock not making any noise for the last 3 seconds, however, was burned into my skull and I think fox did a good job with it. I'd like to raise a question though: how good is fox's ability to write a story this season? I think the season is going really well, but somehow I've been able to predict a lot of things in-episode. For example, tonight I predicted that gas was going to be released at CTU while watching the first episode. And before that I predicted something...but it's too late for me to remember what it was. Edgar-trauma. It's crazy stuff. Point is everyone around me was getting annoyed because I was revealing what would happen every 20 minutes. I should write for fox. I'd bring back Edgar.

And Witz, I also noticed our president looks like a pug dog.

The following took place while the WEST SIDE!! was still watching this ish

Opening word: "wow"

2 thoroughly enjoyable hours of tv right there. Tony got up and the ish went down. I was so compelled by the return of Kim-othy "I-can't-act-but-I'm-a-really-hot-blonde-and-my-new-bf-is attempting-to-contend-with-Novick-for-title-of-the-'head skeaze'" Bauer, that i had to post before I went to bed. (come on now. I'm full of crap. who am I kidding. I'm just obsessed w/ this thing).

so Kim's back. I was hoping for at least a "oh she's hot" initial feeling. eeeeennggt! (that's a buzzer sound)-try again. so then I was hoping she would make a quick exit and suck some syntox right in front of daddy. that obviously didn't have a prayer of happenning. instead of kim, edgah eats it. siri-ously, wtf!?! now we'll never get the awkward Edgah-Chloe affectionate embrace taht I've been hoping for all season.

(writers dropping the ball the ball note: who wasn't hoping that Edgah expressed his love for Chloe as he ate it?) Or maybe he's "not dead yet"?? if there was ever a body that had the mass to disperse the toxins, it's Edgah. but then again, that didn't work for Farley. (is that inappropriate? i thought so, too.) Moving on... but not really... what's the status of Tony, RoboHenderson, and A-Mart? I'm assuming Tony will live. why you ask? b/c if tony and jack don't team up, I'm out. Done. I don't care about RoboH. did he say a word the whole episode other than "I", "can't" and "say" all episode??? eff him. JB shoulda popped 'em when he had the chance. and finally, Lynn. oh, boy. i'm lost here. I'm gonna go w/ goner here. Just a gut feeling. I don't know. I suppose he dies b/c he was a wuss and didn't say anything about the card. 24-Karma and all.

More downer ish:
My favorite little thing Carrie (she's mine, witz). stabbed in the back. literally. gah. that's a shame. we're (again) stuck w/ the Rats of Kimh as the token eye candy. "DAMNIT!" This pill was even harder to take today b/c my roommate was watching Season 2 on tv(?) and michelle was so hot. I should also note that this episode also included the dynamic duo of JB and KATE WARNER!

(yeah, but you never thought that name would get dropped in this blog, didja?!?) what a team that was.

ok, i'm out. chew on that anticlimax.


ps: before it gets too old. witz: what's the deal w/ your mom? calling and telling you about kim last week? I wish I could have heard that convo. this brings me to my next point, don't smoke crack... er, DON'T WATCH THE PREVIEWS!!!!

Joining The "24" Blog Group

I wanted to post this before the episodes tonight in the hopes of getting more posts from more people this week. A lot of people have mentioned to me that they would like to post or know people who would like to post on the site. There are two ways to post on the site. The first method is just to use the "comments" sections at the bottom of each post, which is great and I encourage everyone who reads an article to post a comment to at least let the rest of us know that someone is reading what we write. The comments, however, are mostly a response to someone else's ideas and aren't always noticed or read by everyone. The second way to post, and the one I would love to see of, is the actual "posts" that show up on the main page. To do this, you need an invite, which is very very easy to get. Just email with your email address, and I will send an invite from the blog for you to accept and get posting immediately. I also want to reiterate that not all the posts have to be funny which has apparently been intimidating some people who would otherwise be posting. The more people we have posting the more interesting, amusing, hilarious, and insightful the blog will be.

Keep It Jack,

Sunday, March 05, 2006


Ok, here's the deal. "the most dreaded words" is a new post. I wrote it before I read Witz' new posting, too. (you can see some weird similarities, too). moving on... It didn't post to the top b/c i started working on it a while ago. So read it.

Friday, March 03, 2006

no effing joke

scene: about 1 minute after WWJBD gets OWNED!!!! by Christopher Henderson:

My buddy Tilden ("Tildo" to some): "hey, do you know who he [Henderson] is?"
Jkow: "is he someone?"
Tilden: "Yeah"
...10 second pause...
Jkow: (tentatively) "Robocop?" (1)
Tilden nods... (2)
Jkow: "did you know? I mean ahead of time?"
Tilden: "yeah"
Jkow does the slow double fist raise ala HHH: "HOLY ISH!!! THAT'S EFFING AWESOME!!! I should get like major, um, points for that!" (3)

end scene. (4)

1. to quote myself here: "IMDB THAT ISH"
2. ...his huge head.
3. A very eloquent statement on my part here.
4. The following took place last night, er, this AM between 12:15 AM and 1:05 AM when Tilden and I watched this week's episode for the first time.

The Following Took Place Between 4PM and 5PM Exactly 39 Years, 2 Months, and 6 Days Since God Turned the Reins Over to Jack Bauer

Holy crap! That means that Jack Bauer/K-Suth's birthday is the same as "JGeto-ver it!" Maybe this is just another piece of the ever-less interesting mystery of "24" season five. The only way to find out is to watch and summarize, so here comes the fun faster than you can say, "The East Coast broadcast went out three hours earlier and my mom called me specifically to tell me the tragic news that Kim Bauer will be back next week!" More on that later.

Alright, i'm feeling good about this episode because a dude that kinda looks like Gary Oleman is involved. Why isn't HE in charge? Mike points out where the most likely point of attack is on the Russian's limo adding, "If an attack were to occur..." followed by President Droopy Dog stating confidently, "It's going to happen Mike. We gave the terrorists their route." Good. So he CAN be confident. But only when recapping for the television audience or stating facts about his own failure. This is followed by Mike telling Droops that his wife got into the limo. For a guy who was ready to send his wife to the crazy house earlier in the day, the president takes this really badly. The best is yet to come, however, as Mike asks if he should alert the security team. Droopy is so confused by his lack of options and the tight spot he's in, that he has a physical and mental breakdown for us, proving that maybe JKow is right and the man deserves an emmy. Saying, "Yes, no, wait" and then balling up into the fetal position, I have to imagine, like the rest of us, Mike started slapping his arm to his chest and making a "Mehhh" sound.(It looked a lot like
  • this

  • Even Corky from Life Goes On is laughing at Droopy on this one. Rain Man is better on the fly.

    "Where are they?" "They're still on the 118." Man, product placement is outta control.

    Am I the only one who thinks that it doesn't matter if Martha tells the Subarov's the truth about the attack? If Martha is forced out of the vehicle, and she tells the two people who are about to die what's up, and they don't have any way of telling anyone else, who cares? You know, it's like that tree falling in the forest, or Steve Guttenberg standup.

    Aubdrey, Chloe, and Edgah (back in action) all get down in the mystery activity room and find out that Chris Henderson (of Harry and the Henderson's) could be a bad guy at Omacron. This proves that "24" is actually stealing the plot from Metal Gear Solid 2. Jack took down Henderson in CTU and now he's gonna have to do it again all because they refuse to strap a cannon on Chase's arm so he can fight for justice.

    "What am I missing, Mike!? There's gotta be something i'm not seeing!" says President Logan, making a charge for most ironic statement of the season. "All I can see is the terrorists are gonna bomb the limo, a spleen, and some intestines!" to which Mike replied, "Ah, that's because your head is up your ass, sir."

    Astin Martin fires a new hot techie named Carrie that none of us had any idea existed. It's like killing the black guy in an action or horrow movie. Still, Astin Martin's driving off the road. This leads to the best line in "24" history, usurping anything President Droopy might have said, even moments ago. Sean Astin Martin Lynne informs Aubdrey that, "We're leading a REAL-TIME investigation here." REAL TIME! WOW! I'm not sure you have to remind people operating in the real-world that real-time is in effect, but at least 24 is completely content to rest on its laurels. "Look, man, our television show is in real-time, so why don't you go ahead and shut on up and enjoy the show. If you don't like it, go ahead, be our guest, flip on Deal or No Deal. No? Two and A Half Men? Smallville? See? You need us. Our show is in REAL TIME."

    Jack's thumbs lie better than Richard Nixon. He gets into Omacron with a fake ID, buys himself a drink, and then heads straight to Chris Henderson's office where he...GETS...TAZERED? Wha' happened? "Just for the record, I never thought you were dead."(Henderson says)...alright. Thanks. Jack follows Henderson (who looks a lot like Bill Buchanan..TWIST?) to some info bunker, apparently trusting him. "He's gotta be bad. Jack's never wrong about bad guys," says 24 Blogger Gal.

    Ohhh boy, another "I don't believe your crazy theory" plotline ensues with Astin Martin not believing Chloe, Curtis, Aubdrey or Edgah that there might be a threat on the limo which is awesome, because the main reason I watch tv is to get angry and raise my stress and blood pressure levels. "24" viewing would not bode well for The Hulk. Luckily, moments later (i could tell you exactly how many moments later because it's in real time, but I'm gonna leave that little bit of allure alive) Astin Martin presses down on his crazy accelerator, tells Aubdrey to shut up (scoring points in my book), and tries to arrest Edgah, Chloe, Aubrey, and Curtis. Unfortunately, he comes off as a little insane to the CTU Security Guards (shouting, "if he does that, shoot him" referring to Curtis couldn't have helped), and Curtis takes control of the situation. It was exactly like that scene in Gladiator when the Emperor shouts, "sword" to his legion around him, but they all just stand there and let Russell Crowe get all Romper Stomper on his ass (If this makes any of you want to watch a Russel Crowe movie, throw on TNT because The Quick and the Dead is ALWAYS ON TNT). It's also like that same scene in The Last Castle when James Gandolfini takes on Robert Redford and I almost cried Robert Redford Man Tears. Curtis reinstates everyone including Carrie, the random new cute techie. Maybe now they won't need Elisha Cuthbert. I think this episode was written specifically for black history month what with the Giant Black Dude thwarts Uppity Tiny White Guy plotline.

    CTU alerts the motorcade about the attack and shows President Droopy's face which reads very clearly, "I can't do anything right, even when i'm trying to fail, I fail at it." The motorcade is still blowededed up and in trouble until Aaron wakes up from being unconscious (scary few minutes when I thought Aaron was dead which woulda been jumping the shark in my mind), pops out of the door, and shoots EVERYBODY! It's about time Aaron got his sweet action scene. Aaron should run for President...or maybe he'd be better off running for vice-president on the same ticket as a rag on a stick since that's what America seemed to want.

    Finally, back to Jack and Henderson in something which looks nothing like a bunker. Henderson complains about getting kicked out of CTU and says that he was framed. "By who" Jack says. "Nina Myers, George Mason...who knows" Henderson replies. I gotta say, he threw out a coupla zingers, I mean, those are some good guesses and even Jack knows it. "Jack was wrong about Nina Myers" says 24 Blogger Gal. Minutes later, Henderson scoots outta the room and leaves Jack alone with a bomb in a suitcase. This begs the question, does Henderson just have a bomb in a suitcase ready to go? And does he have multiple suitcases or does he have to make a new one each time one of them blows up? Are they cheaper in bulk? Locked in the room without a phone Jack quips, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by, "If only I'd had my Verizon Cell Phone Service the signals Henderson was sending out would have been so much clearer. Plus, with their extended network, I could have called for help, even in this tiny bunker." Henderson's bomb plan still fails because Jack's a champ and uses the bomb to escape, but still, was Jack right or wrong about Henderson? Before I can answer this question, my mind is shattered by the previews for next week's 2 hour (finally) show.

    I was warned, but I still can't believe it when I see Kim Bauer making the Kim Bauer face again. Maybe they'll kill her off. That's all I can hope, and on a brighter note, Tony appears to be up and at them again, because comas can't last forever (or more than 8 hours). Remember that Michelle's dead? Yeah, me either. We have a whole week to bitch about The Kimpossible Dream coming back. Until then,

    Keep It Jack,

    the most dreaded words

    The SKINNY:

    I'm late... w/ my post for the week. my apologies. (I didn't see the episode until thursday night). moving on...

    So I originally planned to post during lunch on friday. I made a joke about how it was going to be a "nooner" and crap like that. And then I realized that I had nothing, repeat NOTHING to say... b/c I couldn't remember the show... b/c I was a little drunk when I watched it... and then went right to bed. It's ok though: I remembered the Robocop thing and everything came back to me. (I have to say this again: Robocop OWNED wwjbd... TWICE* in one episode!!! that's insane! (*can we count the bomb as a second "owning"?)

    The OLD:

    Some quick commments to get going.

    -Madrid? Damn. you better hope Bill Simmons does some more running diaries so you can get a real-time recap of the real-time show... in real-time (or is it Greenwich Mean Time over there?)

    -droopy="president" Charles "Let's-take-a-moment-to-pray" Logan. I love the pics, Witz! you just took this thing to another level.

    -that t-shirt is sick! i just might have to buy it... and wear it to work on days that I have to sacrifice (euthanize) my test rats. I'm inappropriate like that. (personal aside/inner monologue: "Wow, I'm a moron. I have a Punisher shirt that I could wear... and now I want to have a choice for executioner shirts. wtf.")

    -anonymous commenters... okay. (I originally said "yikes!" instead of "okay" here. I figured I'd be better off NOT discouraging the virgin posters)

    -I witnessed a particularly atrocious "drop-off" last night. My buddy Sak (siri-ously, that's his name) and I had 2 UFO's. I then get a Bass. What does he get? a Busch Light. aaaiieeyyeee!

    The NEW:

    -Is it me or did Edgah put on some weight? I know it's hard to tell when a 310 lb man goes to 330, but come on. I think he's been eating donuts during every commercial break (that's like, every 13 minutes in the 24 verse). This leads me to my next point, (that I've been making for YEARS now) can't they show someone eat or pee during the heat of the action? I would love it if just once, jack was like, "DAMNIT, I gotta piss" or something like that. It would make my day. (jack eating breakfast at the beginning of this season doesn't count. nor does the girl next door eating at the beginning of the second season.) Now, my memory might be a little off here. I have a small inkling that someone ate something in one of the first 2 seasons. but I don't remember. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

    -Why is it that all of the sudden, I want to like everyone at CTU? except a-martin, of course. he's a douche. It's like the writers decided to give everyone balls (even Edgah... but he got really tiny ones... and taht was only b/c he wants to get in Chloe's pants). I mean, Audrey: she was the man last episode! and she sucks at life. routinely. (CTU side note: was anyone else mildly attracted to carrie (the analyst, not the psycho telekinetic teebager) and disappointed that she got fired 12 seconds after she made her first screen appearance? No? go shack up w/ yourselves)

    -I know WWJBD's the man and all, but dodging the bomb in an enclosed bunker like that? come on now. he's no Neo. or maybe he is... which brings me to my next point: If Jack is the man (and a god), what does that make Henderson?

    okay, that's it for now.
    bauer down,


    Thursday, March 02, 2006

    This Is Awesome

    Thought ya'all might appreciate this. I found it
  • Here!

  • To Tide You Over...(Full Post Coming Very Soon!)

    This is what I've been talking about:

    Tell me that's not eerie.

    A new belated-post coming very soon.