Monday, March 06, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 5:00PM and 7:00PM The Day "24" Needed To Make Budget Cuts To Hire Back Elisha Cuthbert (I somehow blame Kim)

This is a very special, very live, two hour diary of "24." Everything is taking place in, yes, real-time. Here we go:

8:02 - Tony's awake! I sleep for longer than Tony coma's. (Even Tony doesn't remember that Michelle was killed.)

8:05 - Did the terrorists run out of snipers or what? How aren't the Subarov's getting shot out in the open right now.

8:07 - Oh shut the fuck up. (24 Blogger Gal says, "Buuullllshiiit") No way Astin Martin's deadbeat sister's boyfriend is in touch with the terrorists.

8:10 - Jack says, "He left me for dead (Henderson). I'm the last person he expects to see right now. Oh yeah? What happened to "For the record, I never thought you were dead."

812 - "Coma head" is so much worse than "bed head"

8:15 - Wouldn't it be awesome if Henderson's password is "Big Boy"

8:17 - Mark this moment as the first time Aaron has given President Droopy the "Bullshit" stare.

8:20 - I think Buchanan just gave Astin Martin a remote control to make a phone call on.

8:22 - Is deadbeat boyfriend drinking Budweiser? I don't know if that's product placement or not. I mean, if your product endorses sleazy drunks, is that free advertising or are fifty Budweiser lawyers getting their briefcases?

8:25 - Isn't bombing a hostpital kind of counter-productive? I mean, half the people there are already sick or dying. If you wanna break morale, you should bomb the physical therapy hospitals where all those uplifting stories take place. Plus, it would wipe out the USA's Murderball prospects, so Canada would be golden.

8:28 - I can pick most locks with a credit card- er, switchblade.

8:31 - "DO you know how this shit works?" - Stanley Goodspeed.

8:37 - Diet Pepsi is such a better performer than The Pussycat Dolls.

8:38 - While I have a minute here, I wanna bring up the fact that Rudy took a huge marketshare hit this week. After years as the reigning reference for underdog glory movies, that autistic kid from Athens, NY schooled Sean Astin/Rudy and took underdog glory to a whole new level. Rain Man can BALL! And...we're...back.

8:42 - Password: BIG BOY! BIG BOY!

8:43 - That terrorist is so not an orderly, he's dis-orderly. In other news, Edgah says, "We're halfway through the database." Do you get the feeling he'd be all the way through the database if he hadn't rocked that dozen doughnuts with lunch?

8:45 - Hey, that nerve gas cannister/bomb has a steady heartbeat.

8:47 - From now on, i'm not buying any cell phone that doesn't have five blades and shaving gel.

8:48 - What the hell? Martha Logan just appeared on my local news preview wearing a cat in the hat hat and reading to children. That's not gonna help her "crazy lady" image any. Did anyone else see this news clip or is Seattle just that action packed that a C-List actress makes the news for reading a book? Newsguy says, "We'll ask her the fate of her character this season." That's hard-hitting journalism, right there. WHOAH! X-Men 3 trailer trailer!

8:53 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, "I SHOT HER ABOVE THE KNEECAP!" WOW, the first torture scene in ages, if not this season just paid out. Fact: Bread Executives refer to their sliced product as the best thing before Jack Bauer.

8:59 - I knew that Gary Oleman look-a-like terrorist would come back again. He eliminated the most annoying element of the show, and i'm praying that he'll take care of the other two most hated; Kimpossible and Droopy.

9:00 - Alright, baby, 6PM and 7PM. The time when Love Connection and Frasier used to dominate the syndicated airwaves. When "I'm hungry" turns to "I'm starving" as it comes out of little kids' mouths. The time when- i'm missing the show. MORE 24!

9:02 - Mark it. Right as I got "Hey, it's Carrie" out of my mouth Carrie told us that "Kim Bauer is here." Sending the hot new chick to break the news is like breaking up with your girlfriend in a crowded restaurant. I wouldn't be surprised if Carrie only showed up last week for this purpose.

9:05 - "It's about your father...He's alive....and he HATES you!" There is no way that Barry Landis is Kimpossible's boyfriend. He looks like a forty year old porn star with the proto-typical terrorist face.

9:06 - THERE IS A VICE PRESIDENT! AND HE WAS IN SALT LAKE CITY "today!" I told you Salt Lake City was safe from terrorists. "Slurp Salt Lake much? - JKow" I guess the VP does too. And he already seems about five million times better than the Droopster. He's totally gonna be a terrorist.

9:11 - There is absolutely no way that with all the drama going on, that security guy at the door doesn't know what Astin "Lynne" Martin looks like. NO WAY. But on the bright side, Kim is very close to a possible death. Aubdrey could go with her. Look, as long as Tony and Carrie make it out alive so they can procreate, I don't care who dies.

9:13 - Brown and bubbly has to be the worst ad slogan of all time. Did they reject, "Like a volcano takin' a dump?"

9:16 - How do you go from Robo-Chase to Pornstar Barry. Oh man! Speaking of Robo-Chase, could Robo-Chase battle RoboCop for ultimate CTU supremacy? "I barry'd you!" Ya know what? God wasn't that great a dad either.

9:19 - Wow. The terrorists actually have a handheld map that leads them to the skeazy back room. These are the details that 24 finally needs to divulge.

9:22 - Henderson's "willing to tolerate in inhuman about of pain." Of course he is. You need to make him deal with a "Robocop-ian amount of pain." They need to do some more psychological torture instead of pain based. Like pour honey in his ears and let out the fire ants. Or paint honey on his body and let out the Edgah. "Mm, is dat glazed?" Man, now i'm just playa hating.

9:26 - I finally just said, "Oo, that looks good!" to an episode of House. House vs Bones: FIGHT!

9:33 - "You acted like the President of the United States" says Mrs Droopy. "Yes, I did," replies President Droopy. Really? He did?? What about that whole, I gave the terrorists the limo route? Oh crap, Carrie's gonna die. Crap. Yep, Carrie's dead. Never bring a cell phone to a knife fight.

9:39 - X-MEN III: The Last Stand looks SICK. Brett Ratner or not, no Bryan Singer or not, X3 just eclipsed 24.

9:40 - 24 Blogger Gal says, "Ok, Kim is already sucking"

9:46 - E'erbody in CTU gittin' crunk (if crunk means blowededed up)

9:49 - Please don't tell me that Rescue Me has been replaced with "Black. White." AHH! Why are they showing us previews for next week RIGHR BEFORE CTU gets nerve-gassed??? COME ON FOX! These have to be the same people who cancelled Arrested Development, Family Guy, and Firefly.

10:00 - Uhh...I have no smart-ass comments. Sound editing should win an Emmy for the 3 seconds of silence for Edgah at the end of the episode....Dead Edgah does sound pretty catchy though as a band name....ok, one smart-ass comment. And I guess it was kinda obvious when Jack said, "Oh my God" when they saw Edgah, I mean they might as well have followed it up with, "We KNOW him!"...and even if Kim had to make it into the room, did Barry have to? Still, Edgah, we hardly knew ye.

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Keep It Jack,
Witz

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