Saturday, April 29, 2006

Saturday Afternoon Blogger

I don't know about you, but I'm really wondering who is on the sketchy diplomatic plane. Considering how quick things move in 24-verse nowadays, I'm actually surprised that they DIDN'T show us at the end of last week. So, in the spirit of the blog formerly known as "They Don't Know Jack", I'm going to throw out a few ideas in the form of questions:

-Is the Bluetooth Gang in the plane? Where they on the plane the whole episode? What was that bald guy in? Why do I think he was really annoying in that show, too?

-Who else is hoping that the lack of freedom tickles and suicides this season is leading to a ... um, "meeting" between Jack and Droopy that leads to a climactic nationally broadcast Presidential suicide? I'm going all in w/ this one.

-Was anyone else psyched when Jack's hooded sweatshirt/baggage carrier disguise worked? Forget a Swiss Army knife, Jack has his hoody... and his gay little rucksack... that just happens to have C4 in it. Anyway, who did Jack think he was... a 15-year-old kid trick-or-treating without a real costume? Come on, now.

-In the spirit this season's "bring everybody back" shtick, the mystery person on the plane is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Robo-Nina.

Monday, April 24, 2006

He's Back

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Curtis "C-Money" is back. I was fistpumping like a madman when he snuck up behind Audrey. Apparently now that bitch smacking Wayne Palmer cannot be on the show for a couple episodes, because of the "token" factor.

Side note - there was a black guy who questioned the white bluetooth guy... actually they all were wearing bluetooths, so I will call them the bluetooth gang from now on.

Droopster is going down. I also hope his wife hits the bottle with a side of zanex, because I cannot deal with that screaming anymore.

What is the chances that JB makes a line similar to "Get off my plane" in his little airplane rendevous? I say 1 in 5. (I sneaky hope the guy on the plane is Barry, and JB says "this is for banging my daughter," and he punches Barry. Then he holds the recorder high and says, "This is for the future of America." And then he punches Barry again, or pistol whips him, or hits him in the face with a fire extinguisher)

Fistpumping in Miami,
- A dash

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Quickhitz

(Late) Kudos:
First up, thank you, A-Team (a full-length movie supposedly "in production"). Thank you for breaking the proverbial ice for last week. If not for you and your law school rants, I don't know if we would have been blessed by the words of wisdom of the Big "Huh? That whistle! It's the HOoooo-Train!” Jose. I'm glad they don’t work the future public defenders of America too hard.

Hose, your insight last week: couldn't be more accurate. On the other hand, Scott Cooper's Nalgene hammer throw: not so accurate. I think that your post would make Cosmology professors around the world very proud... if I can figure out what the class is about.


Listen up:
Chloe: As much as I wanted you to give Sex-Ed a Chloe Chop (ala the assault rifle scene from a year or two ago), I'm glad that I could again witnessed the hilarity of your blackmail. Excellent.

Aubdrey: As much as I wanted Jack to cauterize your arm with those electrical cables, I was hoping for a better death that what you'll probably get. Gah.

Curtis: ...

The Cougar: As much as I make fun of you, please forgive me and come come back this season. Just don't attack Aaron. Take Karen or CTU CRAhater face.

The Cannon: What'd you do with Wayne? Please tell me you didn't have to choke a bitch.

Jack: UPGRADE! Come on, don't you know that 24 has been "Reloaded-ed and Revolutions-ized" like the original Matrix?!? This is just a video game. Complete with weird (though cool) music...

Droopy: As much as you might enjoy the cheesey TV over there, don't go to Spain. Stay here. In a grave. After you commit suicide. Cuz we're due.


Other Notes:
Check out the mini article after the big Kiefer article in the recent Rollingstone. Quite the expose on 24.

I was legitmately pissed that the Bank Manager got the ax two weeks ago. At the very least, he could have done a crappy Kate Warner impression.


Finally:
If A-Dash is the last one to realize that Joe-Boo is Palmer, then does that mean that "I am the last one" to realize that the actor that plays the Skeez was in Sin City?


JKow

PS: What exactly is sensitivity training and is it bad that “my friend” was told he needed it?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Since U Been Gone: The Following Took Place and Didn't Take Place Between Three Weeks Ago and Tonight

I haven't posted on the site in three weeks and it's not just because I've been using my 160,000 dollar education to use zots and color change glue sticks at work. It's also because "24" has made me ask some deep personal questions about my television viewing. Three weeks ago, when the president was shown to be responsible for this whole conspiracy, I knew I had to take pause, and think things over. I needed some me time. Having taken some time, and continued to watch the show silently, I feel I have regained some of my composure and can return to posting without fear of making references and comparisons to shows such as "The Magic Hour" or "Love Monkey." In the spirit of "24" (or what's left of it) I will post as far as things which Did and DID NOT take place over the last three weeks.

DID: The president was revealed to be somehow responsible for everything that has gone down in the last season. I spent most of the week trying to fit my fist up an uncomfortable orifice, in the hopes of pulling a similar plot twist out of my own ass.

DID NOT: Get it twisted.

DID: Take the sexual harassment test at work. I will no longer leave "sexual knick-knacks" on other people's desks, or have "elevator eyes" when I first meet a new co-worker. Of course, I was tested through the antics of the fictional character "Rod Penson." I shit you not.

DID NOT: The vice president was NOT found to be responsible for said plot. While I understand why this was the case in terms of shock value, the writing was not justified. Every clue led to the VP (keeping people in their house via martial law for the gas releasing and The Krang Forehead) but these clues were merely misdirection. This would be alright if ANY clues had been used to set the president up (even really subtle clues) to be the bad guy. Instead, NO clues were given to foreshadow this event, thereby making it come out of nowhere and highly implausible. Good writing does not simply shock, but shock you while at the same time making you slap yourself in the forehead while saying "OF COURSE! How could I have missed it!" (see The Bible when Judas betrays Jesus or Fraggle Rock when the Doozers steal a watch to make a clocktower). This twist was the Tipping Point (by Malcolm Gladwell) for me, and it is where I went into Dark Territory (aka Under Siege II).

DID: I started watching the 6-7pm hour of Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals on The Food Network and by watching the "new" episode followed by the "old" episode, realized that Rachel Ray's meals induce both pep and an ever rising pantline. Also, there are a crapload of ways to make pork chops, but saying EVOO instead of Extra Virgin Olive Oil is still very uncool.

DID NOT: Watch Bones. The dream is still alive.

DID: The president was revealed to only be responsible for the first part of the plot and not the whole gassing everyone, dealing with confusingly ethnic (unethnic??) terrorists who were less capable of frightening me than Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark. Still, the idea that the president faked anything besides an erection ("Charles, is that-- did you tie a popsicle stick to your penis?" "What, no, don't make me send you to that crazy house again...") Haha...President Droopy...took me half a season to hit that one outta the park.

DID NOT: There hasn't been a sniping, legit Bauer Torture, a car bomb, or a "we're running out of time" in months. In fact, "they're running out of time" to make me remember why "24" is what it is. Everything that needs to be said here is contained in--

DID: --Big Ho's brilliantly conceived and executed post about what makes 24 what it is and why it has lost track of it's own success.

DID NOT: Find the "24" soundtrack in stores. Will resort to using my playschool microphone recorder to record directly off the television.

DID NOT: Use the bank manager in last week's episode for any good use. This is the epitome of the problem with this season. The bank manager could have not complied, he could have not recognized Wayne Palmer, or he could have died in the initial shooting. Instead, the writers had him recognize Palmer, BELIEVE what he was told, and OFFERED to help Jack and Wayne. This was a huge opportunity for the writers to make use of a character and take the show and the character in a direction they haven't gone before. Instead, they waited until they left the bank and then killed off the bank manager. What good is this? Where moments before they had an intriguing multi-dimensional NEW character who could have done something interesting, they now had a guy who died thanks to Jack Bauer who now leaves behind a family for no apparently reason. AKA, he was 24 fodder. 24 keeps writing itself into corners instead of using the same situations to open up more hallways and doors to areas they haven't been before. It's like Doom, basically. But with less upgrading of weapons.

DID: Start watching "Lost". Despite my solid year and a half of protests, I finally got bored enough and heard enough good feedback about the show to actually watch it from the beginning and I was instantly hooked. "Lost" reminded me of how good "24" used to be, and how good storytelling can be when done correctly. I recommend everybody checkout Lost who hasn't already (from the beginning)-- especially if you are currently able to follow the ongoing plotlines of Deal or No Deal.

DID NOT: Manage to avoid watching Deal or No Deal. After all of my comments, I gave in and have seen a couple of episodes of the stupidest game show of all time. While Howie Mandel continues to wait for the rights to the Bobby's World movie, his shaven skull stand as a reminder to those contestants who forgot how bad gambling and losing a bet can be. Some people shave their heads because their friends have cancer. It is the unfortunate case of Howie Mandel that his only friend is a bald eagle named Lenny. I will say, however, that Deal or No Deal manages to PERFECTLY capture the high and subsequent crashing low that accompany a night of gambling addiction. The adrenaline of the high and the emptiness and loneliness of the low are practically tangible in our living room each and every night. They should have named the show, "Stayin' Poor" or as JGeto-Verit mused, "the pitch for the show: You know when you're in a gas station and you watch all those people buying scratch tickets and losing all their money? It's like that." No Deal.

DID: Have the Cabo Chicken Sandwhich from Quiznos. I am still reeling from the deliciousness.

DID NOT: Care about 24 this week.

DID: Watch it. And it was alright. I'm not ready to say that 24's back on track after the misplaced plot twists of the past couple weeks, but part of me hopes that what we witnessed was a "spring cleaning" of sorts. Out with the old, start with the new. Maybe the exchange was rocky, but it just might be time to forget about the past and be willing to accept the future. After all, "each day is a gift, that's why they call it the present."......accept you know, for Jack Bauer...for whom each day is the worst day of his life......and David Palmer...who got sniped...and Sean Astin...who died a terrible nerve gas related death....or Chase...whose arm and contract were both ax-ed....or Charlie Sheen, who once starred in The Chase......

DID NOT: Know how to end this post. I apologize for all The Chase references and for a lone "My Super Sweet Sixteen" reference which I chose not to make. Look. All i'm saying is this: If they would just bring back Singled Out and Undressed, we could all be happy...even Mark Bellhorn (the saddest man in baseball).

Hugs, Kisses, and Sniping Wishes (Keep It Jack),
Witz

I like it

This was a good episode, and I will write mean comments under anybody's post who tries to question this. The conversations alone made this episode good. Like when the President put Novick in his place (The President naps when he wants, dammit!). Also the power play between the droopster and the secretary of defense, this is the stuff that has been missing from this season. Some freaking dialogue that is meaningful, which brings me back to something that I meant to talk about earlier. Remember when that guy Erwich (terrorist number like 3 of this season) called Audrey and demanded to talk to Jack? Well in about 20 minutes of that show, they repeated the same sentence, "Erwich made (blank) do it, so that Jack can talk to him." (go back and look, if you have Tivo, Erwich says it to Audrey, then Audrey says it to JB, Chloe and Buchannon, then JB says it Curtis). I think this may be one of my stinks about this season, and I didn't realize it until there were some much needed power plays this week. Also, where the crap is Curtis these days? Apparently they filled their token quota with Wayne Palmer, so Curtis had to go out on assignment.

I also agree with the ealier post by Witz about the video game status that the show has reached. When the chopper came down I was play by playing it like I had a controller in my hand.
- Hide behind the wheel of the plane
- Pop out and shoot the guys with the biggest guns that comes out of the chopper
- Oh crap, DOD agent just got shot, go get his gun for the ammo
- Take out the random gas tanker near the hanger, bad guys done
- Level over... cut scene the entry to the hanger
- Dun dun dunnnnnnn... boss fight time!

The action scenes are getting kind of ridiculous, but I appreciate a good explosion and shootout with the best of them.

One closing note, if Audrey is to die, think of who is left from the previous seasons:
- Jigga JB (bigga baaaybeee)
- Buchannon and Chloe (running CTU out of Buchannon's den apparently)
- Curtis (out on assignment obviously)
- Wayne P (who can't even hold a gun right, so he is bound to get shot)
- Novick (because no President on 24 can operate without him)
- The craptastic President right now, who will go down, somehow (unless Fox is planning season 2 of Prison Break and season 6 of 24 to coincide, with JB going to jail, and then Michael Scofield getting another tattoo and working with JB to get out of jail in 24 hours).

Nobody steal that Prison Break and 24 idea, I think I could sell that to the WB or UPN (or their new joint station).
- A dash

Friday, April 14, 2006

I think I've figured it out

OK, I think I've got a pretty good idea of what is going on wtih 24 right now, and I think it's pretty common. 24 became such a huge phenomenon (cue LL Cool J), that the writers got cute. They thought that they had a responsibility to become more than they really are.

Take South Park, for instance. When the show came out, it was a show about Anal Probes, fat middle schoolers, anal abortions, Terrence and Phillip the retarded Canadians, a pimp-ass Chef, stupid parents, and other meaningless but hilarious things. Now they have a vendetta against organized religion, the President, pop culture, Paris Hilton, Scientology, etc. Now, with South Park it works, because they're equally hilarious right now as they were day one, and they didn't lose their roots, but South park is the exception rather than the norm.

Let me give you a profile of what is going on in terms of the President and the Vice President. The President comes across to the general public as ridiculously incompetent, a down to earth "aww shucks, golly, our Country sure is great" kinda guy. Meanwhile the Vice President has a dark, sinister aura about him. We weren't even aware he existed until he appeared a couple episodes ago. Can anyone else think of a VP that fits this description? Yes, Mr Cheney. All they're missing is the VP accidentally shooting Aaron in the face with a shotgun and Aaron apologizes to the American people. I'm serious. This is coming.

Now what we've seen is that this "Dummy President" persona has caught us all by surprise, and the guy we've all been making fun of for two seasons now, is actually quite deviant and much more cunning than we've given him credit for. Hell, even his own wife is fooled! I've decided the Logan's development is actually quite genius. This isn't your typical "24 goes completely 180 degress on us", cuz this is real. This is our President. This is our situation. Don't you understand? Logan is using fear to control the citizens of the United States. He has manufactured a state of fear, including implementing Marshall Law, to further an agenda which i'm sure will be revealed to us in coming episodes.

Now here's the part where 24 may be crossing the line, or implying things that I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with: the sacrifice of American Lives to further the President's agenda. Obvious sacrifices had to be made, sacrifices which were accepted by Logan, in order for his goals to be met, in order to justify some of his actions. Look through American history, this is not uncommon, and if I knew more about World History, I'm sure I could mention a few other instances where this is true. Here are a few famous ones

-In 1898, the USS Maine explodes while off the coast of Spanish-controlled Cuba. US uses this as an excuse to start the Spanish American war. It is later revealed that the Maine actually exploded from the inside, implying some dirty business on the part of the United States. Minor note: thus began the ridicule of Puerto Rico and future "Shut up, Jose, my country owns you" jokes. No, really, I'm not bitter

-Pearl Harbor: I don't usually buy into conspiracy theories, but plenty of people believe the US knew about the coming attacks and let it happen as a means for us to have a reason to join WW2 (not that I think we really needed it)

- Some documents were released a short time ago revealing a meeting between Tony Blair and President Bush in mid 2001 or so. It details their plans to go to war with Iraq, specifically detailing their search for a justifiable reason to go to war. Among the plans thrown out by the leaders of the Western World: painting a US or British plane with United Nations colors, and having the plane fly low in order to be shot down by the Iraqi's, thus having the Iraqi's instigating the war.

This is the first instance I can think of where 24 has gone outside of the "Look how awesome Jack Bauer is and now the world is safe" storyline, and has put more of an emphasis on Presidential abuse of power, concession of essential rights, a Machiavelian "Ends Justify the Means" view of politics.

Season one was about Jack and Nina, Jack and Presidenial Candidate Palmer, Jack and Terri, Jack and his daughter, infiltration, moles, and especially: snipe shots. Maybe Season one wasn't the best, but it knew what it was good at and it stuck to it. Let me explain.

I'm reading a book by Douglas Rushkoff titled "Get back in the Box". It's a business book (Nerd Alert!), and it talks about how so many companies fail because they ignore the core competencies that made them successful int he first place. Companies start thinking they're bigger than they are, that they can offer more than they do. The world's leading Advertising company in the 70's got so power hungry and cocky that they stopped being an advertising company.

Take Seinfeld, for instance. Seinfeld was a show about nothing, but they were debatebly the most popular show of all time, at least of my generation. Now what if Seinfeld had forgotten that what they provided was a show about nothing, and they had done a spinoff with George and another with Kramer, and the show switched it's focus. One could argue that this is what happened with the Seinfeld finale. The final show wasn't about nothing. The finale Seinfeld homage wasn't Seinfeld at all, it was everything every other show has ever done, and that's why it was such a big flop: Seinfeld got away from (at least in the last episode) what made them so successful.

And in short, I think that's what happened to Jack Bauer and 24. I fell in love with 24 season was because Jack Bauer was what every hero should always be: tragic. He wasn't a good husband, he wasn't a good father. He was a self-righteous government agent who trusted the wrong people and paid for it.

Now what is Jack bauer? He's an extreme killing machine, detached from all emotion, capable of doing anything with the help of his ridiculously ugly and annoying sidekick Chloe. He has no relationships outside of Audrey. He has no family. I know, he's not perfect, and I think they tried to show this when Kim made her (thankfully) short appearance on the show this season. But even that was forced. Nothing that happened was Jack's fault, but Kim still pinned it on him. It's like people who are faced with facts on why their feelings are stupid but won't accept it:

"Why DIDN'T YOU GET ME THE F*&*ING SPRITE FROM THE STORE?!?!"
"Cuz the store didn't have any, and I wasn't about to drive 20 miles in 2 feet of snow when we have Diet Pepsi in the Fridge"
"...I know.... But Still... I hate you"

It's almost like they know they need to keep Jack human, but have gone too far in making him super-human. And this blog is a perfect example of how they've failed to do this. We compare Jack's awesomeness to "Chuck Norris facts",
we make up catchy phrases like "Keep it Jack", or as with my first post on this blog, we refuse to call Jack by his real name, as it is a disservice to the omnipotent being that is JB.

So here's where I stand: after careful deliberation, I've decided that the Logan development is actually quite ingenius, but ultimately misguided, and 24 continues to separate itself from it's core competencies. I'm willing to ride out the rest of the season, and who am I kidding, I'll probably watch it until the show ends. But I'd like to see more things like what we saw in season one.

Word to JB

-Big Ho

PS, i've decided to put together an "alltime worst rotation" for the Red Sox since I've been a fan, and here's what I've come up with. Some basic rules:

1) You can't choose guys who made like 2 starts in their career
2) These players must have spent at least a whole season as a Red Sox, must have been considered a part of the rotation
Here's my rotation:

1) Frank Castillo
2) Hipolito Pichardo
3) Rolando Arrojo,
4) Pete Shourek
5) Casey Fossum

I'm insane

Somebody Has to Talk About This Week

Well, since nobody has stepped up, I guess I will have to come through. I don't have a ton to comment on this week's episode, but I'm currently in a Con Law class and there isn't much else to do.

My big question about this week: Why does Droopster sound intelligent and confident when being sneaky, yet still stupid and out-of-touch when he is under his "President" persona?

I really don't know what to think about this. Initially I thought that it is trying to make him into a decent villian. He could be one of the only other holdovers after this season, so why not make him act intelligently and end up getting away to his estate in Andora, Spain, or something like that. Then he could become a threat to America.

My other thinking is that this is supposed to be a commentary on politicians in America right now. On the face many of them seem unintelligent, passive, stubborn to ideas, and ulitmately just not good leaders. But are they actually smarter than we ever expected, doing the things that emperors and kings did? (In emperors and kings, I mean the shady behind the scenes things that get done, like killing off people who work against you [like palmer] and faking attacks to strengthen people's support) I don't really know where they are going to go with this season, but this Presidential stuff is somewhat keeping me on my toes.

Also, who is gonna be President for next season? I think my "President Bauer" may have been a little aggressive, but it will happen before the show ends. My mother actually thinks that Buchannon will be the President somehow next season. And then he will do something shady with Audrey and she will get in some trouble with terrorists, and they JB will have to whoop some ass.

Well, my humor is lacking lately, because finals are creeping up and the Uniform Commercial Code isn't very interesting. One thing funny: am I the only person who didn't realize that Palmer was in Major League as Pedro? I saw this online the other day and was astounded (I also haven't watched the movie in a couple years, but I should know this stuff).

Thats all for now,
A dash

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Over-analysizing

So Droopy is behind everything. Unexpected? Definitely. Believable? Mmm, no.

With this new plot development, the complexity of this season’s plot just broke new ground on the “all-time ridiculous-schemes-in-entertainment” scale. What I mean is that S5 baddies’ plan just surpassed the “Ocean’s 11” heist in practicality and “The World Is Not Enough” in believability. I mean, is the character “Pres. Logan” really able to act “shocked and awed” in face of the days events? I don’t think so. However, maybe I’m inadvertently explaining a season-long phenomenon here: the actor who plays Pres. Logan is such a good actor that the famous “Droopy face” is, in fact, a face that the character is making as he attempts to act within the show. You know what I’m saying? No? Your head just exploded, too? Damnit.

So anyways, the plan is just “too much.”

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe the monkeys-writing-Shakespeare experiment just stumbled upon something brilliant. We’ll have to wait and see. There’s still a bunch of show left for them to have Kim fall into an animal exhibit at a zoo, have Novick unexpectantly kill Aaron (the coolest character left) in a cowboy style duel, and bring Nina back from the dead.

Yikes.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

???

I don't get it. The president? Why? I swear it was the vice president and everyone else was on that train, I don't care who you are everyone was pinning it on the vp. He's such a political bastard but wait, now we have the president being even more a tart than he was before? Seriously, what has happened. I think I can say that nobody has any idea where they're taking this now, and that troubles me.

Something to ponder: When does JB refuel? SUVs don't exactly have the best mileage...

a good day

A not so realtime prescription for a case of the mondays:


11:00A Telling your boss that you're not working next Tuesday b/c you're going to Opening Day at Fenway.
3:00P Schilling seeming like the Schilling of old (at least over the radio).
7:15P Watching a Hurling?!? team run laps at the park near your appt.
8:00P Eating BBQ meatball sub for dinner (with American cheese).
8:42P Understanding a little bit more about Prison Break
9:35P Hearing a deep voice mysteriously saying "UPGRADE!!" halfway through your favorite show. Oh, wait, that was me.

BULLSHIT

That's all I'm saying to last night's episode. It never happened. Bullshit. I needed a night to think this over, but now I'm pissed. This is the most disappointed I've been Television since Soul Train came on every saturday morning to signal the end of cartoons.

They'd better have something good lined up for this lastest "twist", or I'm bailing ship and pretending season Five never happened, just like the last Rocky Movie and the Star Wars "prequels"

-Big Ho

Monday, April 03, 2006

Prison Break

Well, well, well. Droopster decided to put himself on the map of the mega-twists. I really don't have much of a reaction to this episode, other than I can't wait to see Jack Bauer versus a tank next week. The following is what i was writing during the beginning of this weeks episode, I actually had that little faith in 24 for this week that I was writing while the show was going on and not really paying attention. It's my feelings on Prison Break:

OK, so this is my first quasi-non-24 post. And it will be very quick. But after ripping Prison Break a couple weeks ago, I would like to make a short list of reasons why it is actually better than 24 right now.

1 - Mike "Still Tippin on Four-Fours" Jones was on the show

2 - Micheal "I have the largest tattoo ever" Scofield is quite possibly more itelligent than every character on 24 right now , even miss-sexual-harrassment-sassy-ginnger-from-CalTech (except JB, which doesn't even need mentioning).

3 - Pretty good lookin group of ladies, with a lawyer and a doctor taking care of the fellas. And they put out, which apparently never happens on 24 (and thinking of stuff that doesn't happen on 24: eating, sleeping, urination, taking a breather... but oh wait, they have dealt with cougars before)

In closing, the Break grew on me when it started, but now it's starting to be my Monday night show. The Droopster will go down and his wife will be the reason. My prediction on season six... prepare yourself... for this... President Bauer. Momma Faison thinks that he will be on secret service, but then she remembered The Sentinel, and said that JB won't appreciate talking into his wrist that much.

Wait for it, and when it happens, remember that I said it.

Thats all for now,
- A dash

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 9PM and 10PM on the show formerly known as 24. A.K.A. Keep Your Blog To Yourself In the Workplace

Ok, ya know what? I've heard a lot of talk this week about how terrible "24" has gotten and how nus all the women are in the show, but it's got to stop here. Don't get me wrong. I agree whole heartedly. "24" has hit bottom and is currently lying in an alley sipping a forty with Fred Savage and the former dancers for New Kids On the Block. The writers have lost their minds as well as the ability to play with my emotions (and if I were their parent they would lose their priveleges to play video games and watch Everybody Loves Raymond during dinner). But you know what? NONE OF THAT MATTERS! Because 24 took itself to a place I never thought they'd go this week: ANTI-SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.

Two words: Sherry Roethlisberg. As if to make up for Hot Carrie's quick entrance/exit, "24" has given us Sherry to replace Edgah. Sherry is best described as follows: You know that chick from Sliders and Numb3rs? You know how she's cute, but whenever you looked at her there was just somethin' sliiiightly off about her that didn't put her over the top? Sherry is that girl version 2.0 with the somethin' dead on. She's also from Cal-Tech and has accused Homeland Skeaz-urity Agent of sexual harassment. She's the perfect storm.

Before we get to the amazing moment at the end of the show, we have to wade through the first forty minutes. Soon after Aubdrey is taken into custody, Jack rushes in the room, and makes like Wayne Palmer (chokes a bitch). Without any needles, guns, lamps or batteries, Jack gives her the Larry David "stare down to see if someone's telling the truth" look and proclaims her innocent. This is proof that Jack Bauer has lost his edge. Next time he runs into terrorists, he's more likely to pull out the Care Bear Stare than dual hand guns. Next, Jack tries to fight off some CTU security in order to keep Aubdrey from further torture. To me, this is a perfect example of how important intangibles such as motivation and determination affect an athlete or, in his case, Killing Machine. Ordinarily, Jack could takeout three terrorists no problem. Not even an issue, just one, two, three, and then hitup a KFC for a snacker or two. But when he faces off against these three CTU agents, he rattles off one choke slam before getting tangled and tazered. So what happened? Easy. Jack doesn't give a crap about Aubdrey or the show this season. It was a good faith action, taken only so he could count on Aubdrey down the stretch and keep his audience happy. If Jack Bauer played his heart out every year, he'd easily surpass Hank Aaron's home run record...or something like that.

Sexual Harassment update: Home-landsecurity-star Runner confronts Chloe about the alleged sexual harassment case and I make the joke, "How funny would it be if it's all crap and 24 takes a sexual harassment suits are bullshit stance?"...foreshadowing..I learned about this in school.

The terrorists now take over a gas distribution plant, killing everyone in their way and convincing some dude to help them set off the nerve gas. Here's the PSA the govt needs to have on tv and radio right now: Andy Dick, a cast member from ER, and that chick from Just Shoot Me saying - "If terrorists currently running rampant through your city resulting in a curfew come upon you, shooting your friends and asking for you to do whatever it is they want you to do, don't do it, because they're just going to kill you as soon as you've given them what you wanted....The..more..you..knoooow."

Aaron and Wayne Palmer find each other in the woods and buddy up. Were there multiple objects in the air making it difficult to focus on any one? because 24 just dropped the ball. How do you not show us how Wayne got that gun (and throaty killer voice)? Instead they show us Jack and Abdrey making up, proving that somehow their relationship is more resilient than Nickelodeon Gak. Will somebody please show Jack the new girl Sherry, so he can move on? Sherry alerts Buchanan that most nerve toxins become inert under high pressure...JUST LIKE PRESIDENT DROOPY DOG! I'm still waiting for Aaron to confront him and say, "You were elected president??" and having him say, "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Ok, so the next five minutes of action sequence were ridiculous. Yes, I was happy for the action and yes, I know i've been asking for more action scenes, but they choreographed it EXACTLY like a video game. I felt like I was watching a screenshot from 24: The Game, and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time, I was totally rocking out to the soundtrack during this week's show, as it continues to rule. I want to go driving, wash dishes, and label mail at work to the 24: Season 5 soundtrack. There's a major shootout in the control room, but the gas is still released making me wonder why they didn't call in The Unit for this infiltration? I am convinced that a cross-over 24, The Unit, The West Wing, show would takeover television forever. It would be one constant television reality. All the CSI's and Law and Orders could be integrated as well, creating one single fictional television america, operating on a 24 hour a day integrated progression. And yes, it would always include the awesome Jack Bauer running away from explosions like T1000 shot, because that was awesome.

Anyway, Jack and Bezerko blow up towards each other, Bezerko pulls the fake knocked out gig which Jack apparently didn't learn from Tony about, and then stuff blows up while Jack and Bezerko make out in the back of the Bezerko's toyota. End of show. Oh, but wait, we seem to have skipped over a scene.

Just after Sherry uses her Cal-Tech chem knowledge to find the gas plant, Buchanan praises her good work and gives her a slight touch on the shoulder, leading to me already starting to laugh when she says it: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong. He shouldn't have done that."......BAMMM! BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! 24 just Shaq-Fu'd the television viewer audience. Laughter commenced, phone calls were made, and 24 made my night. 24 officially just took an anti-sexual harassment in the workplace stance and set back the women's movement eighty years. And ya know why they did it, I bet? Because we wouldn't see it coming. Bravo, "24", you got us again. And surprises are what makes television shows good, right? Right?

Just remember: Fact: "If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12"." Season Five is making me question if that is true anymore.

Keep It...Palmer,
Witz

PS. Funniest fact I've read recently: "The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music."

Chasing the Dragon: Real Time, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How 24 Got Big

The following attempts to explain the illicit pattern of substance abuse on "the Show formerly known as 24."

Events occur in real time.

“Just for a second, just to see how it feels” (Season 1)
Surnow and Cochran took a huge gamble with 24. The show was so loosely thrown together that that Sarah Clarke (Nina) had to wear her own clothing during the entire season. (Imdb that one. I dare ya.). Anywho, during Season 1, the creators were like the flying dog from Half Baked. Except that they weren’t on Sampson’s stuff. These stoners were high on “doing the completely unexpected.”
And we loved it.
Some prime examples of Season 1’s glory: Gaines caps Rick’s buddy. Jack in the limo. Rick helps Terri and Kim escape from Gaines. Dennis Hopper’s Victor Drazen. And finally, Nina kills Terri.

“We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons” (Season 2)
At this point, S & C were rolling. Literally.
Choice cuts: Marie Warner (of Nickelodeon’s “Fifteen”-fame), not the Middle-Easterner Reza, is the terrorist. Mason flies his Cessna to glory. CTU fakes murdering the one terrorist’s wife and kids.
However, Season 2 also had some notable “questionable” calls.
Examples: Lynn takes a fall (and reappears in Prison Break). Nina’s back?!? And obviously, Kim and the cougar.

“I don’t even know what’s goin’ on” (Season 3)
Season 3: the worst season… before this one, of course. As cool as the Russian Roulette scene was, S & C have a siri-ous problem here. We, the viewers, should have seen the signs (Jack and H??) and intervened.
Chasing the Dragon: Kim works for CTU. Nina’s back… AGAIN?!? Nina attacks CTU with a computer virus. Gael’s wife kills Saunders in CTU. And the precursor to the debauchery of this season: Jack kills Nina. Yikes!

“Back in the Saddle” (but what color was the horse?...Season 4)
At the beginning of this season, it seemed that S & C may have recovered from the atrocious S3. We got a revamped CTU (Curtis, Edgah, head of CTU from La Femme Nikita, etc) and a new president (what was his name again?). It was almost as though they were distancing themselves from the previous season and saying, “Hey, everyone! We’re in rehab!”
Was all forgiven?
Ah, no. After they roll out Tony (and his Cubs mug), Michelle, Mike “The Skeeze” Novick, and “Oh, wait, is that? It’s Pres. Palmer’s music!” we quickly find out that that S & C’s buddy/brother/mother was smuggling them junk into rehab. (What’s movie reference here?) BTW: how did Kim not make an appearance this season? Was Elisha Cuthbert busy or something?

“Back to the Future” (current season)
In retrospect, we should have seen it coming… the signs were all there. It was only last season that the ghosts of seasons past began their steady march back from hanging out with Mike Tyson in Bolivion. After S4, it was a natural progression to bring back the likes of AARONningstart, Wayne “Choke a Bitch” Palmer, and “Even Jack Hates” Kim. If S & C hadn’t randomly killed her in S3, Nina would probably be back. Quick Question: Where’s Chase and his MegaMan arm?
Alas, fellow bloggers, 24 is no more. We are unfortunately stuck with “The show formerly known as 24,” a shadow of its old self. And, like many of our favorite addicts in the creative arts, 24 will end up: choking on its own vomit (numerous), blowing its head off with a shotgun (obvious), attempting to drink 40 shots of vodka (John Bonham), decaying for days before anyone notices (Layne Staley), dying for a few minutes in a hotel (Slash), or doing whatever Scott Weiland ultimately does to kill himself.

Conclusion:
As I have masterfully proven, we are stuck in the back of a mid-80’s Camaro with a drunk “Show” at the wheel. (“I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You’re in the backseat.”) And we can’t get out.
But that fact won’t stop us from hoping: hoping that S & C can put down the pipe, check into rehab, and go out on top… without unretiring and playing for the Wizards.

-Anyone for a hit of Season 6: Operation Nightfall? I’ll warm up the spoon.



-JKow