Thursday, January 25, 2007

24: You Blew My Mind, But You Broke My Heart

Ok "24" if that is your real name. You've gone too far. Clearly, as nobody has posted about this week's episode, we are all in a bit of a mind-funk from last week's show. To be honest, I can't remember too much of the show. What I remember is this-- Jack's brother is Captain Bluetooth? Yes, it blew my mind when this was revealed-- but it also broke my heart. Because no "24", Captain Bluetooth ISN'T Jack's brother. That's insane. You can't just drop on us after 5 seasons that Jack has siblings who are readily accessed and haven't been previously mentioned or accessed. This was a desperate move by arrogant writers/creators to throw in a "TWIST" that we couldn't believe. And the fact is, I can't believe it. Real writing has depth, foreshadowing, groundwork. This week you just decided to go b-a-n-a-n-a-s on us (and you have no idea how hard that was to type on a ergonomical split side keyboard) and it cut me deep. Remember: Television Audiences that stay together, buy into your plot together....if they prayed together that woulda flowed better, but that's just not what they do. With no reason to believe that Jack is related to Bluetooth, or that he has a living father (and how can't you have Donald Sutherland play his dad, seriously), we can't buy into your twist. Twists need careful planning so when we find out what happened we say, "HOLY SHIT, OF COURSE". This time we all went, "HOLY SHIT-- Huh??" This all goes back to season one when you stated on the DVD, "we killed Jack's wife because people wouldn't expect it. We wanted to show that anything can happen." Well, except for Jack dying thanks to that contract. That's all I can say right now other than Assad is still dope, Fayed cannot possibly drive fast enough to escape the nuclear blast, and I already wish Kumar didn't go to that great big White Castle in the sky.


Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Word

Oh, boy, where to start. How's abouts:

THE FIRST WORD: "Really"... as in "Are we really doing this again?" I
can't believe I made it to the end of the fourth hour before saying "I hate
this show" for the first time.

MOLEy-MOLEy-MOLEy: Wow, it took only, what, 3 episodes before we had
our first mole? (detention center guard) At this rate, we're due for 8 moles this season. Aaaaaiieeeeyyee!

DETENTION: We've all heard the saying, "where there's smoke, there's
fire"... or something like that. I don't know why I included that, but, ah,
what is a season of 24 without an agent or two getting locked up? I can't
wait until “Agent Johnson” gets to give the freedom tickles to Morris… and Milo awkwardly comforts Chloe as he pretends he’s upset about it.

SO CLOSE... to the catchiest cross-promotion ever: Too bad saucy
brunette in CTU (Natalia?) wasn't a field agent... and she jumped in random dad's
VW... and she cruised across LA blaring John Mellencamp... before she
unexpectantly gets tagged by Jack in his beater Jeep. Um, whose country is

KOOOOOMAR: Definitely a worthwhile addition to this season. Did he have to kill the idiot house-invading neighbor? I mean, the guy was just looking for a Playboy or a Frederick’s catalog so that he could throw the ball back to Schoup or Wild Thing. Anyway, I was glad to see that he didn’t reprise his mute role from Superman Returns. I was not happy, however, that he died en route to CTU. I was really looking forward to Jack getting a one-on-one with him. I honestly feel cheated. Damn you, No-Name-CTU-Blur!

JACK-EL? Finally, Witz, you are quite prophetic, bro: Curtis takes one in the throat Carlos the JACKel style. What a look on Chocolate Bear’s face as he realizes he’s D-E-D dead. And then Jack pukes. I hate this show.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I've only got one thing to say so far...

The CTU manager with the goatee looks like he's gonna put his dick in a

The Following Took Place Between-- Oh Eff it, I can't Do This Again...

Ok-- so I watched. I watched the first two hours in real time and the second two hours is "I'm only wasting 90 minutes by fast forwarding through the commercials" time. I liked the second two hours better, and not just for the speed.

You can't save two hours of boredom by having Jack go all Lost Boys on a terrorist. You can't. It was awesome, it was sweet, yes I did that insane giggle laugh that accompanies gruesome excessive violence. BUT I also sat bored for 115 minutes waiting for the season to grab me.

Notes from the first two hours:

-My friend Jesse stated and I agree: You might be the former President's brother, but no President, black or not, can rock the all bald and the goatee. Sorry folks. It ain't happenin. "Between stopping terrorists and running the country, I get down with the flavor saver." Get out.

-Dude from Numb3rs is the new Mike Skeaze. Lovely. He's just as annoying but with less historical importance. At least with Mike I could say, "Man, there goes Mike the Skeaze...I just can't help but like him" because I felt as though we had a relationship. Now I get some dude with acne who is inexplicably the same character and also still employed in the administration.

-This has been happening to me a lot. Particularly with Karen Hayes. "Where have I seen her before?" My girlfriend, "Last season of 24." Me. "Oh yeah, that's right!" Just like Fox, I seem to have forgotten that last season exists. Wasn't there something vaguely important about Kim or Aubdrey, or someone else? Didn't Jack leave at a somewhat crucial relationship point? And didn't Wayne Palmer do some pretty ill shit that ought to have kept him from getting elected. The man is black, has a goatee, has done illegal things, was David Palmer's brother (who remember was portrayed poorly to the public) and has no political background. Shouldn't the combination of those things kept him off the ticket or at least out of office? Did they honestly run Droopy Dog against him???

-Couldn't they just forget the entire CTU plot? It's called 24 not CTU. Jack could just act on his own accord and we could forget the inane CTU political bullshit. I don't like ANYONE that is there anymore. Milo? Chloe? The Canon? Nope. And holy lord, did they recast Chloe's smarmy british boyfriend? He's useless too. Drop the whole bit, just let Jack be Jack...which you could have done in:


Part Two Notes:

-I liked the next 2 hours better although I still vehemently deny that it was part of the "season premier." The season premier's when it premier's. Not one night later. Anyway, I didn't care at all when they shot Curtis because the writers failed to do anything with him the entire time he existed. Maybe he can land a commercial gig and live on like the Force Entities in Star Wars of Obi Wan Canobi et al.

-The nuke going off was pretty cool, but not that cool. The problem is that the scariest weapon around right now is the nuke (diseases aside). So every season, like in the cold war, we hear "nukes, nukes, nukes." This time one went off. Fair enough, it's just tough to really care where they're going with it since ONE has already gone off.

-I love Assad. He's the only wild card left.

-Jack needs to go on tilt for like six episodes, just rampaging everyone. In other words, he needs to shed CTU and just kickass.

-I guess I understand why Curtis and Mike The Skeaze were both in World Trade Center-- they weren't in 24 anymore.

-I appreciated Kumar. Show up, show casting agents that you can be a bad guy and in an action setting, then get yourself aced by "No Name CTU Blur" as you're lookin' at Jack. Well done. On the plus side, Scott, AKA Sky High AKA Matt Heff's brother AKA Lord of Dogtown is the man and I'm glad he was around for a bit. Wish he could step it up a notch and somehow stick around though. He will be missed.

-Where's Aaron? He's A1 Sauce baby.

-There might be more, but it ain't happening right now. I might watch next week.

Boop Beep. Boop Beep?


Monday, January 15, 2007

Season Premier THREAD for Readers Without Permissions

Hey All-- I haven't watched the last 2 hours of the season premier, but I wanted to put up this bit so readers who don't have permissions to start their own post can talk about whatever they want. Enjoy and thank you.


Oh JB, what did those Chinese do to you?

Quick comments:

1 - Solid first four hours.
2 - Excited that Kumar came, was actually a terrorist (think he actually wanted to be a terrorist on the show, to toughen up his image?), and died on the way to the hospital
3 - Don't like that I had to change to "new-blogger" to write this
4 - Wayne Brady Palmer is awful. And even if there is a black president, he will be void of facial hair (cause he looks like a skinny DMX)
5 - JB took some heat, but it only takes a small half mile nuclear blast to reverse those 20 months of torture.

Don't act like you aren't happy that this is back. And I do like heroes, and I know it's gonna be at the same time, but that is what tivo is for (once you get it, you cannot remember life without it).

I like that they barely acknowledged that last season ever happened.

- A dash

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Following Takes Place Between 10am PST and 8pm PST On the Day of the Season 6 Premier

10am -- Wake up. Remember 24 season premier is on tonight. Groan inwardly. Fart outwardly, hesitant look at girlfriend to make sure did not wake her up with my faltulence. The coast is clear.

10:30am -- Come to terms with the fact that another season of 24 is upon us. Season Six. How could this have happened? I suppose just how when you really can't wait for something it takes forever to arrive, when you have absolutely NO anticipation for a show, the time flies by to its return.

11:45am -- Check the Fox website. This season of 24 is quoted by Stephen King as being, "So good it's scary," which might have meant something before "Faithful" came out and I lost most respect for Stephen King (and I'm a Red Sox fan). Maybe he said that right before the car slammed into him. Maybe that's why the car hit him. "I think 24 is so good it's scar--" BAM! MOTOR-VEHICLE TO THE TORSO!

12:30pm-- lunch and snacking. 24 Put to rest.

1:53pm -- Frazier Moore says that "24 returns with a bang." For his sake, I hope he doesn't mean that as a pun. Because if he means that 24 returns with a bang, referring to a gushot or explosion I will have to track him down and make him get clubbed by baby seals. 24 is not returning with a bang. It began with a bang, continued with a bang, was EVERPRESENT AND UBIQUITOUSLY chock full 'o bang, and maybe Jack will settle down and take a breather one of these days if the show would just end with a bang. Aubdrey. Kim. Poor lady. New Chick. Chloe. Whoever. Release the beast, Jack.

3:45pm -- Start to come to terms with this season's existence. Last year's premier was fantastic despite the rest of the season's misery. Droopy Dog was the worst ever, but remember when EVERYONE WE LIKED died in the first 4 hours? Remember that hope? The hope of good writing? Remember Kim's Pornstar Boyfriend? That was funny. Right? Right?

5:30pm -- Consider starting a "King of Queen's Blog" and leaving this one.

5:35pm -- Remember "King of Queen's" is done after this season. Sad. Realize that I've probably only seen 10 KoQ's in my whole life and have over 100 I still haven't seen. Happy.

6:03pm -- Eat dinner. Contemplate how this is my last meal before 24 Season 6 begins. Pour a sip out for my future homies. Receive glare from girlfriend at slowly spreading stain on the carpet.

7:25pm -- Maybe I won't do it. Maybe I'll just opt out. I can do that right? Right?

7:43pm -- What Would Jack Do? Sign on for a gigantic multi-million dollar contract-- oh-- right. Well then.

7:50pm -- Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Cant Lose. Dammit, Friday Night Lights is so much better.

7:55pm -- It's not about the show. It's about the friends. It's about watching a show for better or worse because we can gather here on a weekly basis to complain, laugh, score movie trivia points, and cry together. Because They Don't Know Jack, but we do. And at least here, we have each other. That's more than Jack can say. And like a former Red Sox current Seahawks fan might say, "Maybe this year is the year..." because Curtis is due, Chloe can't survive too much longer, and nobody said David Palmer didn't have a secret twin who's running for office. Maybe this year is the year.

7:59pm -- Beep boop. Beep boop. Beep boop.