Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I just want to say....

You can add Madrid to the posting zones.. I have been here since early feb, and have not seen 24 since then!!!!!!!!!!!! I turn on my space heater, get cozy, and read the blog for my updates. Youd think that if they have fresh prince of bel-air dubbed en espanol (one of the best of the best) then they would ahve 24!!!!!!! or should I say VEINTE CUATRO... and the beeps would be a little different too, just like the telephone ring here!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Meat-normous response post

E-gads, look at all the hilarity that's been posted this week! It's great. I have so much material that I can make stupid comments about now. Booyeah! (wait, I hate stuart scott. "DAMNIT")

Paying my respects to Witz, I'm going to give a running commentary of this weeks posts. hmmm, where to begin...

Jo-ly crap, Jose! Glad you're back w/ us! (Just don't get fired now.) I think you might have taken the "Where's your crown king" RANDOM award for the week. I mean, K-Fed, Cesar Crespo and VORP in the same column?!?! damn, son! RANDOM STAT NOTE: I'm posting from the FLA today. I think this blog may now officially have the highest SPF ratio now. I'm not talking about sunscreen but the "States Posted From" per blogger ratio. A better stat... with all this talk about double-you-em-dee's (WMD's) in the Middle East, I came up with "bee-pee-em-dee's" for this blog. BPMD= between poster mean distance. With Compton, Starbuck's, Beantown, one of (don't mess with) Texas' "-sten"cities (austin? houston?), and now O-town, (and of course "points unknown"...105.1 WTOS, skowheegan, augusta, waterville, the mountain of rock") we should definitely have the highest average distance between posting locations.

I'm sorry, I digress...Back to the big HO:

-I love that you wasted ZERO time in giving it to A-Fraud and Peyton (feel free to rip Eli, too. "DAMNIT" you're prolly a Giants fan.)
-My BloggerGal's papi made a good point: "the guy who plays "President" Droopy should win an Emmy. It takes some serious acting skills to look like that much of a moron and make EVERYBODY hate him." Sound logic here. unless of course he is just a moron... that eveyrbody hates.
-Did "Pres" Droopy get elected? Or is this still the end of the term from Air Force 1 downed president's term?
-I'm going to make a few offers for "big(gest) drop-offs". These are not necessarily "well-thought-out" or "insightful" if you will (NOTE: the previous 2 sets of quotation marks would have come with air quotes in real life. I don't know how to signify that w/ text...) Simply a couple of quick thoughts: Clinton to Bush; Cabrera to Edgah Rentareck; Sean Connery to whoever-came-after-him-as-007; whoever-came-before-ETH to ETH; The original MTV unplugged (included bands like Nirvana, AIC, Live, PJ) to the unplugged 2.0 (including Shakira, Dashboard Confessionals, Lauryn Hill, Staind (and I like Staind))
-How can anyone NOT miss the homosexuality of the hobbits? It's freakin over the top! btw: I don't buy Astin as the hard-ass type. (Brokeback note: is it me, or does Aston Martin always play characters with androgenous names like Lynn, Rudy and Sam?)
-"freedom tickles"... excellent!

Nobody beats the witz:

-In case anyone didn't get it before, this blog can officially be titled: "SportsGuy Impersonators' 24 Blog"
-Slurp Salt Lake much? geez
-Dude, don't diss "Ear"wick. He was the most....um, bland terrorist yet. Where was he from again? What were his issues? I have no idea. (Name note: Erwick? that's the best they could come up w/ for a Russian/Chechen terrorist name? come on! How about "Strysinsky" or "Nymzymsky" (such a cooler name than "Neems"). Heck, they could've called "Ear"wick "Kowaleski"... wait, that was the name of the skilled assassin posing as a Ukranian teen sex slave!)
-I have one word for the lame-o side plots: AAAIIEEEYYEEEEE!! (TM the Tuesday AM QB) (plot note: It's not surprising that the massively elaborate terrorist schemes don't work- they need to KISS!!! or then again, there's that jack bauer/diety thing.)
-The "jack-arrested-by-CTU" bit is SOOO old... as old as the CTU mole, WHICH THEY BROUGHT BACK AGAIN! aaaiiieeeyyyyeee!! Hopefully, the writers will keep the rogue bauer thing short this time (just like the spencer is the accidental mole thing)
-I almost spat my drink out about the "Jack ripping his arms off" bit. I'm willing to guess that this is why Jose was crying.
-droopy=left testicle... priceless. Maybe droopy is the actual brother of michael chikless (Det. Scroats, I think) that makes an appearance in the Family Guy movie. A (hairy?) black testicle and a shaved white scrotum: that duo would MURDER Audrey and Chloe!
-Nathanson was the man! and he upgraded! why'd he have to die???? oh, right, as witz pointed out, he didn't listen to god. (NAMING NOTE: I might have to refer to Jack as WWJBD for a while) The nathanson bit was some quality video game-like cinema. But nothing compared to Michael Douglass' making the logical "briefcase-bat-knife-bag o' guns-i forget what he gets after this-does he get a rocket launcher by the end" progression in Falling Down!! (btw: jamie (the first ever CTU mole) is in FD. She's like 14...
-IM sounds: I've been saying that they need to be off for years!! (by "years", I mean "since going to Bates"). alas, 24 has finally vindicated me.
- Vanessa "Carla-the prom queen" Marcil: way too hot for both stanley goodspeed and nic cage. Connery... I could see that, though. "Hello, pussy"
-WTF are you talking about w/ the masks? is this "eyes wide shut" or something? (to be honest here, i don't even know what that last sentence means... )

on to Geto:

-The writers not only dropped the ball this week, the did so at the opponents' 1-yard-line. AHHHH!!!
-Nathanson was sweet! you think they coulda kept the WWJBD-Nathanson combo alive for a bit longer than they did.
-prior to that, the writers just HAD to have WWJBC go rogue again. I mean, WWJBD owning Curtis was cool, but the prospects of dueling dual pistols are SO much cooler than a diety on the run.
-i totatlly agree about the helicopter crash, what happened there? gah, dropping the ball
-In an answer to your question: "I don't care if the Russian Pres gets aced w/ nerve gas. I'd actually prefer it simply b/c the "pres"' wife is in the limo. I'll just have to IM Aaron to get out first." (I'll let someone else do my IM convo w/ Aaron)

ok, my fingers are tired... even though it took me four (that's 4) separate sessions to complete this post. I hope you all appreciate my hard work.

Baue-r before your savior,


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

"BLASPHEMY!" or "Are You There, 24? It's Me, James."

I was so mad when Nathanson turned out to be awesome and then subsequently destroyed that I almost vowed to switch from 24 to House. I think Dr. House and Jack Bauer may be related somehow, anyway. They both seem to have godlike omniscience and clutchness.

And yes, I did just use "omniscience" (a ninth-grade vocabulary word) in the same sentance as "clutchness."

Regardless, I would like to see Bauer and House together at a cocktail party, shitting on the detective from "Numbers."

Ok, so I didn't turn my back on 24, but goddammit, they are stringing me along by a hair. Why couldn't Jack propose that Curtis go rogue with him? Why couldn't Nathanson have survived all those gunshots like Fitty, and put out a patriotic rap single? Why can't Edgah whip out dual shotguns and declare war on Chechnya? If we have to lose our heavy action hitters besides Jack, and rely on plot twists and conspiracies more than bullets, they have to be more creative with it. I think most of us could have filled in the blanks of that episode on our own. "Jack has a hot lead on the terrorists, but CTU has ordered Jack into custody. Jack ___________ sleeper hold, and __________ microchip." We didn't even get to see a highly anticipated helicopter crash. And who the fuck cares if the president of Russia gets sniped? Who the fuck cares about these canisters of gas? The terrorists havn't even threatened anything concrete yet. I would feel completely comfortable living in the "24" version of L.A. right now. Shit, I feel more threatened driving home from work on Wilshire every day.

I am a drunk who fell off the wagon and turned his back on God. I know I will come around next week, but for the moment I lie soaked in the gutter screaming to the heavans, "Why have you forsaken me?"

(Just the show, though, not Jack Bauer.... he's still incredible.)

(Just in case he's listening...)

(I'm sleeping under my bed tonight...)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM While Kim Bauer Watched Laguna Beach on MTV

HAPPY HOUR! That's what 3:00 PM marks for most people in the United States. Not for Jack Bauer though. Remember, your happy hour is only happy because Jack Bauer is doing his job. The minute Jack steps outta the game is the minute Happy Hours begin being known as "Getting sniped in the face" Hour, "This beer tastes like nerve gas" Hour, or in Salt Lake City, still just "Happy Hour" (Because nobody messes with Salt Lake City. Nobody.). I've decided just to go with the Bill Simmons comparison and do this diary style in the hopes that it might keep things shorter or at least more interesting. As I was forced to watch a taped episode this week, I will keep time in "24" time, which is, in fact, real. time.

3:00:15 - Wait for it...
3:00:32 - Wait for it....
3:00:47 - WAIT FOR IT.....
3:01:10 - BOO YAH!! NEW TERRORIST LEADER! Just as I finally figured out that the main terrorist's name was Erwick, it's superfluous. Don't ask me where they came from or why we didn't know about them before, but it was only a matter of time, and thanks to both entry level script writing manuals we now have a new bad guy with a far more distinguishable accent...he's from Terroristria, right? Anyway, I look forward to learning about this new bad guy since I haven't managed to learn much about Erwick in the last 7 hours. Splendid.

3:02 - Biercko? Is that the new bad guy's name? I dub him Berserko

3:03 - Oh, cool. Astin Martin's drugged out sister is back. And there's her loser boyfriend. Images of cougars and abusive husbands chasing teenage girls are dancing in my head. Make it stop. Please, make it stop! Why do we need these bonus crappy plots? Isn't it enough to believe that these massively elaborate terrorist attacks involving multiple Villain hand-offs keep happening? Why does it also have to be the same day that the groundhog sees his shadow and it causes him to buy cigarettes?

3:05 - Remarkably underqualified Astin Martin decides to bring in Jack Bauer again. Buchanan, the only 24 character ever to learn from his mistakes, tells him it's a bad idea, but it's no use. We're forced to relive the deja vu that is the "Jack getting arrested by CTU" plot.

3:06 - Curtis tells Jack that he needs to bring him back to CTU for holding, so he asks Jack to turn over his guns. Jack gives Curtis his hand gun and then proceeds to rip off both of his own arms and turns them over as well. "There. Now you have all my guns."

3:07 - James Nathanson is on the line, and I think he's about to tell Jack Bauer the secret recipe for Bush's Baked Beans!

3:09 - Nope. Goddamnit, we're never gonna find out.

3:09:30 - Curious note: My timer tells me 24's been on for 9:30 minutes, but the bottom just flashed that it's 3:11:something. On another note, there is no Santa Claus.

3:11 - Jack RUINS Curtis. So bad I gotta spell it RA-HOOHOOHOO-INS HIM.

3:15 - Oh boy, now don't get too excited, but there's a good chance I smell an inter-CTU political turmoil!

3:17 - Chloe and Aubdrey work together to create the least interesting onscreen duo ever seen by 24. Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?

3:18 - Berserko calls Mike No-Vick No-Problem and wants to talk to President Droopy Dog eliciting this response, "I don't want to talk to the terrorists, YOU talk to them!" Mick responds, "Are you fucking kidding me? David Palmer's left testicle has more presidential talents than you. Remember how we got you elected? Remember when your primary platform was increasing circulation of The Family Circus? Remember when we got the other party to nominate Marvin the Martian to run against you? Remember how many beers we had to buy them? Ireland. We had to buy them Ireland to get them drunk enough, but we did it. And do you remember what I said to you? I said, "Mr. Assistant Janitor, being President isn't as easy as cleaning toilets and pushing a mop. Do you remember what you said? You said, 'Pee-pee ha-ha, sparkle sparkle.' Then you licked your own nipple. And still I trusted in you. I'd seen the best, and now I was ready to see the worst. So Sir, take your hand out of your ass, pull up your pants, and get on the goddamn phone. Because I don't want to have to report to a left testicle. But I will." This was met by the "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face and this comment by my girlfriend (24 Blogger's Gal), "Is Mike doing the hand over the phone move? Is he really using the hand over the receiver move on the terrorists?" The answer is yes. There is no chance this is going to turn out well.

3:26 - Back at CTU Astin Martin is pulling his CTU Queen Bitch from that other season impersonation, so he better be careful when he decides to send his sister to the infirmary later in the season. I got 10 bucks riding on that death.

3:29 - Nathanson and Bauer are BFF. And I'm on board.

3:30 - See! Nathanson knows enough to upgrade weapons! I love this guy!.....and he just got shot.

3:32 - Hmm. Again. Because he didn't listen to Jack. "Dude, just hold on while I shoot down this helicopter with my hand gun...YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO....Dude? DUDE! OH COME ON!"


3:34 - Nope. Back to plan b: gettin' that talkin' dog drunk.

3:35 - SERIOUSLY THOUGH! Everything fits into Jack's phone! JKow is right, man, my battery can't even hold a charge and packs a x2 zoom, meanwhile Jack's phone can fit gameboy games into its mysterious disk drive.

3:36 - Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercials Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posie or dancing down a street while drinking Diet Pepsi. Jimmy Fallon, fine, that's a step up in his career, but Parker Posie? The Queen of Indie? What could possibly have led to this? These are the people who voted for President Logan.

3:40 - Cut back to "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face by Logan. Is there a vice-president involved anywhere in this administration? When Logan was VP and the Pres died, he deferred to an ex-president for guidance. That didn't come back to bite him in the ass? Is it that nobody wanted to run with him?

3:43 - AWESOME. Chloe and Aubdrey are IMing each other. This proves that EVERYONE IM's people at work, not just all the friends I have.

RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, is it just me or do you think Lynn might be into Buchanan?
O'Brien (worst sn ever by the way: Totally. God. What's wrong with everyone?
RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, do you think Jack likes me? Like, Likes me likes me?
O'Brien: I guess, maybe, if he likes that "I got my head squished in the elevator doors" look. Whatever. God.
RainesOnYourParade: RainesOnYourParade has signed off.

Then Audrey's caught by Astin Martin because her IM beeped when she closed it, proving once again that you HAVE TO TURN OFF YOUR IM SOUNDS. That's just amateur.

3:52 - The Russian president married the only unattractive Anya in Russia. Aaaand skeaziest shot of Mike in a while. Oooo, he used skeaze voice to tell Berkerko where the motorcade is going. Where are Connery and Cage when you need them? "Carla was the Prom Queen."

3:58 - It's definitely a bad sign when I a) don't care that the President's wife just got in the car with the Russian President and b) I'm wondering if Conviction is going to be any good because it has Milo in it from 24 season two.

3:59 - V For Vendetta is going to be sweet. And isn't it weird that all the A-list edgy young actresses are making female starred comic book movies action movies? And how appropriate is it that Paul Walker is Running Scared? Maybe in his next movie he'll Go to Camp, Save Christmas, or Ride Again. Whattya think...brah.

4:00 Beep-buh, beep-buh. After this episode, I know what Jack Bauer's gravestone is going to say. A quote from John Mason from The Rock. "I'm fed up saving your ass. I'm amazed you made it past puberty."

Well, this week Jack Bauer'd all over the terrorists, Erwick got kicked to the curb for Berserko, and Nathanson might have passed on the secret for his hot dogs buried inside DOD code. Incidentally, Chris Dodd could have defeated Logan. Big Ho was right. Logan must have been wearing a Palmer mask when he was elected. WAIT! What if that means that Logan was wearing a Palmer mask on the morning Palmer was shot! Maybe Logan was shot and Palmer was wearing a Bill Buchanan mask (think about it, that makes a lot of sense). I mean, someone was already wearing a Jack Bauer mask for that security camera. TRICK ENDING! Double Trick Ending: Bauer was wearing a Tony mask and is currently in a coma. Only time will tell. Until next week.

Keep It Jack,

Ok, i've got some questions

24: The Post-College Years

Ok, I'm back. It's been a while since I've posted, but this past week's episode really got me thinking, and I have to express my thoughts somewhere.

I thought that no one annoyed me like Chloe, but I've been proven wrong. President Logan makes me want to Vote President Bush into office for another 17 terms. Did he hire Jimmy Carter as his "Terrorist negotiating specialist"? Isn't there some class you can take as a President called "How to deal with situations without your version of the Peyton Manning face"? Here's an important question: is Arod more clutch than President Logan? If President Logan were a baseball player, what would his average with runners in scoring position be? .000? Would he even be capable of the occasional sacrifice fly? We need the good people at Baseball Prospectus to take care of this.

Which of course begs the question: Who in the hell was running against President Logan in the previous election? Carlos Mencia? Buster from Arrested Development? Jim Bowden, the worst Baseball GM I've seen in my lifetime? Did Gilbert Grape make an appearance on the ballot? The only other viable option is Kevin Federline, but he had to be too lazy to research what a "President" was.

Was he running against Ray Frikkin Nagin, the insane Mayor of New Orleans? Did Nagin run on a campaign based on making LA "A Chocolate Haven" or something like that? Seriously, we need to know more about this. Maybe Logan was wearing a mask of David Palmer during his entire election tour, and only took it off after he had won. If not, what does this say about we, the American People (well, you the American people. I'm from Puerto Rico and as far as I'm concerned that's another country)? I'm pretty sure this is Fox's way of telling us we're stupid. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, I dunno.

Think about this: the country was being run by David Palmer. The man trusted JB (remember, we're not allowed to write His name; if you need further explanation, see my first post; The one about orthodox Jews), stopped terrorists about 400,000 times, punk-slapped his cheating, lying wife, saved the World more times than i've fantacized about Denise Richards, and did this all as our first black President. And he did it while looking good. AND he did All-State insurance commercials on the side. By Contrast, "President" Logan (I put this in quotations because I don't think he deserves the title, much like "President" Bush") has screwed up more times in two seasons than Courtney Love has been in rehab. No one is worse at dealing with adversity than he is. I mean, have you agreed with a single decision he's made? Logan is the guy who makes what my friends and I call BLD's, or "Bad Life Decisions". You know him, we all have friends like him: he's the guy who will go on a date with the girl from Craig's list when everyone knows she's at least a deuce, deuce and a half on a good day. He's the GM who signs Adrian Beltre to a 5 year 64-million dollar deal when the rest of the GM's in baseball are softly chuckling to themselves, and even Scott Boras is giggling like a raving idiot. Or in basketball, he's the guy who signs Mark Blount to a long term, expensive deal. In female form, this is the girl who sleeps with Shawn Kemp, asking "what's the worst that could happen?".

(note: this is not to be confused the the DLD, or Dominos life decision. The DLD comes from a common college problem: being ragingly drunk and thinking that only thing in the world that would make you more happy would be a Pepperoni Pizza from Dominos along with the Buffalo Chicken Kickers, and maybe 2 litters of Coke. You know you'll regret it in the morning when you wake up with delicious buffalo-chickeny goodness all over your pillow, but at the time it seems brilliant. It's just not important enough to be called a "Bad Life Decision". Other common examples of DLDs are going to see "Flight of the Phoenix" with friends, or buying the "Wild Things Box set", when you know you could download everything you need off the internet.)

My point is this: is Palmer to Logan the biggest drop of all time? Has there ever been anything as dramatic as this? And I'm not restricting this to politics; I'm talking sports, entertainment, literature, anything. Off the top of my head, I can think of only one comparison: remember the year when the Sox traded with San Diego for Cesar Crespo, and Nomar ended up missing most of the seaosn, and Crespo was the least productive player any of us have ever seen? I mean, Crespo had a .165 batting average AND On base percentage in 80 AB's. 2 RBI. If Crespo had gotten 400 Ab's that season, he would have accumulated 10 RBI, which Vlad Guerrero got in one game off Pedro martinez a couple seasons ago. Nomar -> Crespo isn't even as bad as Palmer -> Logan. There are a lot of very smart people coming up with crazy stats for baseball, namely VORP (or Value Over Replacement Player). So my question is this: can we quantify things like Palmer -> Logan? Can someone come up with VORPr (Value over replacement President)? What about Value Over Replacement Comedian, or Value Over Replacement Really Hot Hollywood Actress Whose Career Is Only Alive Because We're Waitng To See When She'll Get Naked (Or VORRHHAWCIOABWWTSWSGN for short).

I'm gonna draw this to a close, but two more thoughts before I go:

1) Sean Astin / Samwise Gamgee CANNOT play a serious guy. When he told Audrey in this past episode "Don't threaten me! You do NOT want to threaten me!", I giggled. Out loud. For like a minute. Has a show as good as 24 ever featured a such a blatantly horrible casting job? I mean, whoever plays Chloe is a really really bad actress, but at least she can play a very annoying unattractive cyber-Geek well, right? Did someone owe Samwise a favor? Was this their way of getting the Dungeons and Dragons crowd into the show?

(note: while watching the Lord of the Rings movies, it was impossible to ignore the ridiculous home-erotic atmosphere between Frodo and Sam. This whole time I felt very weirdly about it, like I was missing something. I found out what it is: it had nothing to do with Elijah wood, it was all Sean Astin. I watched "Rudy" and "50 first dates" recently, and Sean Astin just FILLS the screen with homosexuality wherever he goes. it's really really really creepy. Go back and watch Rudy and tell me Sean Astin isn't eyeing the janitor or some of the other players a little bit)

2) I have a prediction on how 24 will progress, but I'm going to save it for another time. Maybe later this week if you're lucky.

Remember, JB doesn't torture, he "Freedom Tickles"

Ice Breakers

I supppossseee I'll start things off this week. Here we go:

-I will refer to Mike Novick as "Wormtongue" from now on. (Not to be confused to "wormtail" from harry potter... ). OMG is he creepy!!! and for no reason. gah! Sidenote: his dome is huge!! are his glasses so damn big to try to hide the fact that his head is that big? stew on that one.

-Higher ups in the US govt don't have "undo" buttons on their computers. They have "Jack Bauer" buttons.

-What hour are we in this season? Are we 1/3 of the way? Must be... cuz we just had the 1/3 of the way terrorist turnover. Should have seen that coming.

-As my buddy Joe noted, how is it that everything plugs into/attaches to every cell phone in the 24 world? (EX: the chip from Nathanson) geez, in the real world, you can't even plug a different battery charger into a phone.

Unfortunately, "WE'RE OUT OF TIME" for now...

jeff KAUERleski

Friday, February 17, 2006

David Palmer's Big Unit and other TV Spinoffs

This is certainly 24 related enough to post: HOW SICK DOES "THE UNIT" LOOK? David Palmer was like, "Eff this, i'm way cooler than you" and is now part of a SWAT like team where he will definitely be wielding at least one side-arm. Oh hell yeah! It's like Palmer's Revenge. In fact, i'll be calling it Palmer's Revenge up until they make the movie Palmer's Revenge which will actually be an un-related horror movie about either a) Arnold Palmer's Texas Golf Club Rampage b) A really tall basketball player's killing spree involving mostly open palmed smacks, or c) A magician's sleight of hand murders involving numerous paper cuts from playing cards that are never to be seen again. Either way, The Unit has several barely recognizable actors, and I'm sure will be a smash hit. Marketing, baby, marketing.

Keep It Jack Unless Palmer's Involved In Which Case You Can Palmer If You Want To,

Lowering the Bar

Hey! Slacker! Are you really intimidated to post here because you don't think you're funny? That's just plain silly. You are smart, friendly and keep good dental hygene. Jon loves you, Jeff loves you, I have had a crush on you since kindergarten. The 24 Blog is obsessed with you. You know that little flip you do with your hair when you're concentrating? That kills us. You have so many friends and the whole football team/cheerleading squad wants to date you. So post a message.

In an attempt to lower the intimidation factor I will now post a completely unfunny entry:

Today at work I was reading the trades and noticed that our man Bauer has started a record label! Apparently the man has been collecting Gibson guitars for years, and he is friends with these artists, and so he started his own label- Ironworks! www.ironworksmusic.com I don't really understand what his collecting guitars has to do with this, but that's what the article said... Are you a struggling singer/songwriter who needs an edge? Kiefer Sutherland will lend you a guitar and record your songs. Maybe. Who knows. I don't get it. Just go to the website. I think I saw a dijeridoo on there. Uh oh, Jack Bauer + dijeridoo has serious joke potential. Better finish up now.

If no one new has posted by next tuesday, funny or unfunny, I will start killing bugs at random and without remorse. I will kill one for every person I have ever met who has not written anything on this blog.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I Agree With JKow

I posted this as a comment, but I want to make sure people read it. I agree with JKow. What's surprising is that I've been getting more and more people telling me how much they're enjoying reading the posts, and yet we're getting fewer posts as time goes on. My "uship" reference the other week was even read by someone at the company who referred to us as "one of the most popular 24 blogs on the net" which is both awesome and proof that people really ARE reading this.

Someone told me they were intimidated to write because they didn't think they were funny enough, to which I would say fair enough if life were fair. BUT IT'S NOT. If life were fair, Jack would be sitting at home next to his wife drinking a Milwaukee's Best watching Deal Or No Deal (it's always no deal) and musing silently on how Kim really filled out. Don't worry about being funny or what other people wrote. If you want to post, just write your thoughts and see what conversation it starts, or even just respond to what other people are saying. Either way, let other people know someone's reading, because ultimately, that's where the motivation is. One luv.


Jack Bauer's Gonna Kill YOU...

...if you don't post more often! This amazing medium for 24 is slowing down like in season 3 when Nina infected CTU w/ a computer virus.

For my personal effort, I am going to respond to every posting. I encourage you to do the same.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

LOST in 24

So, I was really hoping to find an entertaining (new) posting to read today (weds) during my lunch break. bastards....

I guess that means I have to post instead. "DAMNIT!!!"

Moving on:
Where'd Diane Huxley and her son go last episode? Did they finally find their way out of CTU? What I'm getting at is that 2 weeks ago, I think, the pre-commercial split screen showed them walking (somwhat speedily) somewhere in CTU... and then they were still walking post-commercial split screen. is the place really that big? I mean, there's only like 5 employees at a time (Buchanon, Chloe, Edgah, Curtis, Spencer) and then plus random hangers-ons like Audrey "go to hell and you DIE" Raines and Austin Martin-wise Gamji (sp?) and the more than useless medical and security people. Did Diane and her son get lost in the "death rooms" perhaps? See deaths of Terri, Nina, Paul Raines, CTU headmistress' daughter, British terrorist from season 3..and the list goes on (I'm sure). Or perhaps they got lost in the "Mole" room (that back shady area where Chloe caught Spencer, for this season's example).


ps: i'm thinking of starting my acting career as a Airport/Mall/other security guard on 24. I don't want to get too tied down w/ my first job.

The Following Took Place Between 2:00PM and 3:00PM During the Opening Ceremony at the Terrorist Olympics, where yes, Murderball IS played

While next week's episode will officially kick off Happy Hour, there was plenty to be happy about this week. So throw on some socks and grab your Glocks, here comes some 24 summarization faster than you can say, "Don't move, there's a quail on your shoulder!"

Last week's episode ended with a bang, literally, as confusingly adept gun wielding/gun materializing out of nowhere sex slave girl shot and killed Rosler. "They're gonna call back any minute now and we haven't set a location!" Jack bellowed ending the hour in desperate suspense. Kicking off this week's show, Jack apparently thought up a clever scheme to bypass the entire problem: he decided to say "Yeah" in a really low, gruff voice. He then found out where the meeting point was from the terrorist, who we now know works for The WTW Organization-- The Worst Terrorists in the World. This spurns Jacks insightful statement, "I think we jut caught a break." Yeah, a huge one. Not only did you get the meeting place, but your enemy can now be categorized as borderline retarded.

Novick just can't lose the skeaze, can he? Mike No-wayamIlosingtheskeave-vick, decides that maybe a coverup can work, so he can "Go out with some dignity, you mean, not as a traitor," offers up President Droopy Dog. Wait, what? Am I wrong in thinking that maybe he oughtta go out as a traitor? Isn't that typically what happens when you're a traitor and shoot an ex-president/cultural icon and put the country in danger of massive (but not that massive) nerve gas attacks? If Saddam kills himself in jail are we gonna say "Let the man go out as the merciless dictator he was, not some sort of depressed prisoner followed by the release that, "Saddam was just tired and stressed out, but you know...not guilty..." This new plan of action quickly angers the President's wife who is told, "You can be the one to tell his wife that Walt disgraced himself, took the coward's way out and was a traitor to his country." WHERE THE HELL IS JED BARTLETT WHEN YOU NEED HIM? When Crazy-Like-A-Fox-Wife can't bring herself to tell Walt's wife, the coverup is in full-effect, all because nobody could bring themselves to tell the wife what happened? That's ridiculous! Isn't there an aide or something who can do it? Isn't action-oriented Aaron the security guard around to do something? Actually, where is Aaron? Moving on.

Meanwhile Jack gets jumped and thrown into a van while mumbling, "we're on the move," for the benefit of his Spy Tech earpiece. This somehow gets past the WTW as well as more clever lines like, "Oh my God, you have one of the cannisters with you" and "What's the target?" He asks where's he's going because he has another appointment that day that he wants to know if he's going to make. What other appointment would Rosler possibly have? "I need to bring my dog to get groomed at 4," or, "There's this mail order bride I need to pickup at the train station at 3."

Quick Note: Jack looks just as badass dressed as an air-conditioning repairman as I will ever look on my best day.

BONUS NOTE: Curtis is following in a black suburban. This means that he fits in more than most agents at CTU, but why not go the whole nine and give him a black escalade with spinners. NOBODY would question it.

The WTW decided to set off the nerve gas in what appears to be one of those fairly unpopular somewhat suburban one floor malls. "Vee vill set oof de nerve gas in ze Hot Topic." Astin Martin and The Cannon are both big on letting the gas go off in the mall so they keep their cover, so they call the one man in the world who won't be able to make a decision...The President. It's like the anti-Bat-phone. You call it and solutions get less clear, sometimes it just rings while the Pres sits by staring frightened at the phone. "Hi, we're not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, problem, and you're preferred solution, I'll get back to you with my best guess as soon as I can." Finally after trying to pawn off the decision to CTU and Mike, the pres decides to kill all the people buying Hawaiian shirts in Pacific Sun and far too delicious pretzels at Auntie Anne's. "They dip pretzels in frosting-- they deserve to die." Jack fails to deliver a killer line, but demonstrates that he "NO LONGER WORKS FOR CTU!" and gives the WTW the wrong remote detonation code. He then gets knocked out.

QUICK NOTE: Jack Bauer doesn't succumb to unconsciouness. Unconsciousness is acquired by Jack Bauer.

BEST LINE OF THE SHOW: By the terrorists for the advancement of the plot:
"Hold on, i'm going to put you on speakerphone." Hahaha...nice.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SWEEP THE LEG JACK! AWESOME leg sweep, neck crack, gun steal, handcuff unlock sequence.

Aaaand everyone in the food court dies. That sucks man. That's just rough. I suppose i'd be alright going out having just polished off a slice of Sbarro pizza or a chicken tendercrisp sandwhich at Burger King, but dying because you couldn't decide between the Phat Thai Hut and Chinese Express would jut be sad.

The live terrorist flees the mall in a jacked hundai and calls the head terrorist. What's unusual is that he inexplicably flips his phone open with his teeth. Can he not do the one hand thumb flip like the rest of us? What is that? Anyway, CTU units follow the terrorist who then kills himself when he realizes he's been followed. "You know what to do" the head terrorist tells him to which the other terrorist says yes and shoots himself. If that were me, I'd be like, "Yeah, I know what to do," and then book it out the back door. Maybe strip down and start dancing naked just to throw em off. Mental note: never say offhand to a possible terrorist "You know what to do."

Me: Cool, i'm going to the bathroom.
Terrorist: Can I play xbox?
Me: Yeah, go for it. You know what to do.
Terrorist: ::BANG::
Me: Shit.

Somehow CTU doesn't assume that Erwick is nearby somewhere, so they just hangout and let the terrorists get away with a huge conspicuous pickup truck full of 19 cannisters of nerve gas. Maybe this will be like My Name Is Earl. Each week from now on Jack does something to gain back one cannister of nerve gas while learning about life and himself in the process. Man, I sure hope so. Until next week, try not to shoot any of your friends in the face...accidentally.

Keep It Jack,

PS. Monday Night, while 24 was being taped in my apartment, my trivia night team won pub trivia in part due to the question "Who did Julia Roberts flee to Europe to avoid marrying?" The answer: "Kiefer Sutherland." Jack Bauer has the power to make Julia Roberts flee the country. I feel safer already.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM the Day of Walt Cummings' Pity Party

I apologize for this post taking so long to get written, but this week's episode left me completely uninspired, and from the looks of things, it had the same effect on everyone else. A lot happened but not a lot seemed to HAPPEN. And yet, the post must go on, and I'm just the unemployed fool to do it.

The episode kicked off with promise, as Walt "Skeaze-to-the-wind" Cummings makes a subtle The Rock reference by saying that they weren't terrorists they were expecting to be patriots. In the words of Stanley Goodspeed, "SHAME ON THEM!" How many movies (or seasons of 24) do you have to watch to know that the patriot-terrorist thing rarely turns out for the better? Or maybe he meant New England Patriots; that's a lot more plausible what with the way he fumbled the ball under pressure.

They then find out that Nathanson went darker than the hershey bars left on the shelf, and Jack inexplicably says he's ready to be dead again. "I think CTU can handle it from here," he tells us in a desperate act by the writers to create conflict. Because no he doesn't. Jack NEVER thinks, nor should he he think, that CTU has it under control. Tony's in a coma, Michelle is dead, Edgah hasn't done anything in months besides horde swiss rolls, spenser is under arrest, and Chloe wore bubble wrap in her last flick. The BuCannon might have alzheimer's from the way he's been talking and making decisions, and Astin Martin is one phone call away from a role in I Am Sam II. After a few, "I'm a figurehead!" pleas from President Jowlsburg Cheese, Jack both tells us he'll stick around AND foreshadows the inevitable fall of humanity: Kim's still alive and will be in this season. I think Stanley Goodspeed said it best when he said, "You're insane, Mason. The kid'll have nightmares. I'll spend all my money on shrinks."

NEW 24 VIEWER: But who is Kim
STANLEY GOODSPEED: It's very, very horrible sir. It's one of those things we wish we could disinvent. This isn't a training exercise, is it?

Quick note: Did the casting director forget what ethnicity the terrorists were this season? They're like a mish-mash of every possible european/middle eastern ethnicity as played by a British guy who grew up in france.

Quick note: Astin Martin informs us that the nerve gas can do more damage than before, possibly in the hundreds of thousands or maybe a million casualties...which, like, sucks...but this could still be the least threatening threat they've had to deal with. I mean, nukes...meltdowns...viruses...all more than a million. Of course, this is all probably a decoy so they can actually STEAL NASA'S SPACE MISSIONS!

So apparently all you need is to have the terrorist's Zack Morris cell phone number and you can tell them anything you want them to do. In this case, some dude who I think fought Gandolf in the Lord of the Rings, knows how to reconfigure the cannisters. I would have had them put on football helmets and head butt each other. Then I would have called head-to-head contact and given them a penalty. Game over. We win.

So Jack and Aubdrey start talking again on the phone and people are arguing over letting Spenser back on the net, when all i'm thinking is what Stanley Goodspeed so eloquently put, "You know, I like history too, and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together but right now I just... I just wanna find some *rockets*!" The terrorists have gone to Monster Garage to get their nerve gas fixed...great.

Quick Note: Astin Martin's sister looks like a vampire zombie. TWIST!?

President Sleazebag is shocked that his wife is holding the whole not believing her and sneaking her into the crazy house thing against him...I feel like MTV's gonna pop out and be like, "Mrs. President, you've been with this man for 238472362 minutes, earning you 238472362 dollars...do you want to take the money or go on another marriage with this man?" Meanwhile Mike Novick, Jack Bauer, Chloe, and Buchanan are on the bus screaming "NEXT!" They somehow make up and now the president is forced not only to act during a closeup, but to tell his wife they can work on everything together, leading to a shot of Mike Novick looking from one to the other with his, "Oh, were we shooting?" face on.

Now I know people wanted 24 to move faster, and I agree that 6 hours can't be spent having Kim getting chased by a cheetah or a single-father, but it's starting to feel as if 24 is no longer being shot in real time. Jack shows up with Curtis at a terrorists house (Rosler? Roslen?) and speeds through dialogue ("What are you talking about spenser's under arrest. Fine, whatever, real time, real time, let's go, let's go!"). We finally get an infiltration scene from Jack and Curtis (classic back-of-the-head smack)and then they roll the penthouse guards and secure terrorist guy. In a massive anti-climactic moment, the girl behind the bed turns out to be a no-name fifteen year old kidnapped sex slave.

Quick Note: The kid opening the nerve gas cannisters in the metal shop learns that you can't trust a terrorist's word. Goodspeed says, "Glass or plastic, glass or plastic?"

TORTURE SCENE! It's like Christmas only...wait...where'd the torture scene go? He slapped him once! Curtis stepped on his toe! WHERE DID MY TORTURE SCENE GO? Astin Martin cuts the torture short (thanks studio execs) and Jack let's it go, so they give the terrorist everything he wants proving that we do, in fact, negotiate with terrorists, but only when we don't really have to. That's ok though, because before I can really care, Unfathomably Fifteen shoots New Terrorist Guy in an act of total predictability. This "How do you like me now, Brock?" moment backs her nickname Chicken Kiev, because she's soft and battered on the outside, but a raging ball of hot fury on the inside waiting to explode.

QUICK NOTE: This is a good one too. Edgah tells Chloe she did the right thing, and Chloe tells Edgah to shut up. Edgah then gets a one on one with the camera, where he actually appears to look directly into the camera, smile, and resume typing with a big smile on his face. Does Edgah have the power to speak directly to the audience?? This would be the best thing to happen to 24 since Jack shot Nina in the stomach for fun in season one.

Back in the White House, Walt Cummings hangs himself, prompting the immortal quip of Stanley Goodspeed, "How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?" Did they just let him hang out in that room (no pun intended)? "It was just too professional a tie for us to confiscate" the security guards said. "It was striped. Red and white striped." I don't care at all about Walt dying, but it does mean one more victim that Jack won't get to kill him in the future. Fact: Everytime a bad guy dies, Jack Bauer removes a bullet from his gun.

Since I already talked about Nickolodeon's Fifteen killing Rosler(n) Terrorist guy, I'll end the post on a happy note. Sean Astin Martin gets his ass kicked by a leather clad druggie near a dumpster. AWESOME. It was like Rudy finally got his. You just have to wonder if the thug was sitting in the shadows thinking, "This is my one chance, this is my one chance, I have to make it count." But i'm sorry, because as Stanley Goodspeed said, "I know, I'm rambling, I'm complaining, I'm sorry. What's your news, baby?"

Keep It Jack,

PS. If you were thinking of posting the "Yeah, okay, this is about the most awful thing I've ever seen" Stanley Goodspeed quote on the comments section, I applaud you.