Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 7:00PM and 8:00PM on-- Oh Eff It, I'm Just As Pissed As Everyone Else

The writers of 24 need to be grounded. Effing grounded. There is a corner in a dark, dank room, in the basement of a building missing its occupants. There's a twelve story building missing its suicide jumpers. There's an abusive parent who can't find his "kids"...too far? Tough. Because life is tough. Just ask Edgah.

Edgah was a love-able fat chump whose fingers were too stubby to even lookup the internet porn he so desperately desired. And he died from nerve gas...that happens to about one in three-hundred million people, but one of them was unlucky in love, unlucky in life Edgah. Edgah didn't have a heart attack Big Ho, he was just too fat to twitch and froth. How can I be so mean to Edgah? Because he isn't real. He's a character invented by naive puppet-masters of a television show. That's the only way I can reconcile what has happened with 24 this season. Life is tough because David Palmer was shot in the first ten minutes of the show. BAM. Thanks for playing. To quote JKow, "He got all 0's in plinko, the bankrupt on wheel of fortune," or the "No Deal" in Deal or No Deal.

I understoof Palmer's death. Tough call, but a HUGE intro, and it got us hooked. Dead Palmer, dead Desler (i'm shocked we didn't turn Desler is a Tesla - Desla nickname). I assumed the writers shocked us and proved that anythng could happen. That's what they told us was the reason for killing Jack's wife at the end of season one, "to show that anything could happen." Except of course Jack dying which is the only surprise I would actually find surprising, especially now. Chappelle, Mason, Astin, Myers, these were good deaths. I remember in the first seasons how I raved about 24 for being able to manipulate us so well and have us hating Tony the first week of the show and loving him the next. Tony.

Tony's dead. Maybe. Maybe not. I feel like if Tony were dead he'd be lying prone on the ground by the end of the episode, otherwise, they're lookin to trick us again. But who knows. And it's not just that Tony might be dead, it's how he died. First of all, he died at the hands of "Manican." By the time Henderson popped out of his faux-ma (fake coma), he'd been pumped so full of drugs that Barry Bonds said, "Damn!" Lying on that medical table, he looked more like one of Barry's Real-Dolls than a living being. Second of all, Tony uses a needle? Why? Wouldn't suffocating him be easier and more satisfying if you choose not to use the gun and make a mess? The "coming out of a coma" death that Tony may or may not have suffered is pure hack work. Most of all, Tony died without serving a purpose. All of the good deaths in 24 were deaths that served some sort of purpose. Dropping a nuke in the desert, meeting the terrorists demands, or most recently, Astin Martin rebooting the computer. Tony's was cheap and meaningless, like some sort of physical relationship that I hear happens at big universities.

And what about Sean Astin? What was that about? Fine, he's dead, good. But did that scene play out like two writers having an argument or what? "We're all gonna die because you were embarrassed to report a missing ID Card???" should have been followed by, "You expect the audience to believe that motivation???" I love 24 plot filling speaches.

Everyone's right. Carrie WAS hot. Now she's dead. Kim is AWFUL (but her hair IS bette). She's still alive and apparently listening to Modest Mouse's "Barry Me". When Jack walked over and grabbed his neck, that was totally off-script. Barry might be a writer cameo. I won't be surprised if Jack goes back to shooting the junk, adopts Barus (where'd Barus go? Is he dead? I forget), and starts hanging around Taco Bells during the day, and killing everybody who makes the "Modern Classic, Good to Go" gesture to the clerk when they order. Or maybe he'll just run off and start killing EVERYONE, testing out different ways to kill as he goes: "Foot through the skull...THAT WORKED!...Icicle in the eye...THAT WORKED!"

I'm fed up with 24. It's times like these that i'm glad we have each other. My only guess as to what is happening is that they're killing off all the characters that wouldn't do voices for 24: The Game. Redeam yourself 24. Help us. We're all suffering...in real-time.

Keep It Jack (because it's all you can count on in this world),

PS. I don't know if I can handle another "outsider regime taking over CTU plotline" with Homeland Security. I dont even care that the VP is probably a terrorist or that President Droopy in all his terrible-ness (worse than Grape Nuts Cereal)didn't even make my rant this week because everything else was so bad. Just don't give us ANOTHER rerun plot. (and this is coming from a guy who watched all the syndicated Mad About You episodes with him family at dinner).


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