Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Question...

What material do they make "nerve gas cannister/nuclear bomb/anthrax/the plague" all-purpose stick-on automatic timers out of? They look like the free Brookstones clocks that you get with every purchase of $12.00 or more, which would explain why every terrorist has the same one. But the real question... what makes 'em stick? Do terrorists peel off the sticky paper before they place them? Or are they Brookstones clock MAGNETS?

They stay attached to anything (flat, round, metallic), and somehow, by sticking it on the outside of the cannister, the cannister knows when to open up and infect everyone (if it was a bomb and blew the cannister up that would make sense, but often they dont.. they just tell the cannister when to open up- ie. season 3 when Jack axed off Chase's arm) because I have't quite figured out how to fit a bomb in a brookstone clock yet... But I picked up 3 of em in December when I got my dad's girlfriend a parafin wax foot treatment, so I'll keep trying and let y'all know...

ps: if you don't see any more posts from me, you'll know that google finally sold out to the Feds and they came a'knockin at my door for those bomb comments...

Monday, January 30, 2006

Bauer Hour: The Following Took Place Between 12:00PM and 1:00PM the Day of Audrey Raines's Acting School Midterms

Noon to one is a good solid time. It's a time for brisk walks, corporate lunches, or in my case, waking up. It's a time when you might receive the mail, espn replays old world's strongest man competitions, and when The Silo runs out of salami. For Jack Bauer, it's the time when lunch gets put on hold indefinitely, bathroom breaks are out of the question (see "Jack Bauer's Urinary Tract Infection" in a future post), and TIME IS RUNNING OUT!

This week's episode ran the gamut from classic "24" glorifery to brand-new levels of "24" woe. Despite this easily organized pro/con format I just established, I will inexplicably discuss the show in chronological order, because what is "24" really, if not a series of real time events presented in chronological order? I would venture to say...nothing? Perhaps?

Jack lights actions fuse right off the bat when he tells Bill Buchanan that THERE IS NO TIME (to build a case against Walt Cummings) and that he has to go in and sort things out himself. In another awkward "There's a good shot that the 24 audience remembers more about 24 than the writers do" moment, Jack says that he'll talk to Mike Novick because he can be trusted....does anyone else besides me remember the season when Mike was part of a con-skeaze-piracy to undermine President Palmer and take control of the govt? That seemed like something I might characterize as "untrustworthy."

Regardless, Jack gets the go ahead, which leads to the MOST EMBARASSING AND RIDICULOUS MOMENT IN 24 HISTORY! So embarrassing, that it got the sarcastic clap n' laugh, a "wow", and an empathetic post clap n' laugh giggle out of me. I am of course referring to the moment when Jack sends an instant message to Mike Novick's BLACKBERRY! "It's Jack Bauer. Call me on a secure line," Jack writes followed at least 20 seconds later by, "Tell no one." Now, I understand the whole suspension of disbelief aspect of fiction, but this is too much. Product placement aside, the idea of Jack IMing anyone is hilarious, and in my memory the exchange went like this:

BauerPower123: Call me on a secure line
M-N-M4eva: ...
BauerPower123: ;)
M-N-M4eva: ...
BauerPower123: Tell no one
M-N-M4eva: That's what you always say
BauerPower123: You know you want to
M-N-M4eva: It'll wake up my parents
BauerPower123: Just do it
M-N-M4eva: lol, I can't
BauerPower123: gg, call me l8er!

Second of all, this means that CTU has Mike's number/screenname/whatever those things have. This means at some point, Mike had to utter the sentence, "This is the number to my Blackberry," which just amuses me. More importantly, it seems to me like maybe Jack could have typed those two sentences together given their importance and the secrecy needed. My biggest problem with this incident, however, has to do with shear middle-school logic: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S JACK? Most of my friends have either posed as lesbians, parents, or teachers at one point in their lives in a chat room or instant message. I spent half of middle school and high school worried that I wasn't talking to the girl who I was told I was talking to, and ya know what? HALF THE TIME I WASN'T! All i'm saying is that if this were the real world, Mike Novick would be instant messaging back and forth with Jack Bauer's mom, sister, best friend, or jealous boyfriend. Regardless, the blackberry incident will forever live on as 24's most embarrassing moment. Very uncool.

NOW, after Mike returned Jack's call, a call we are later shown to have been monitored and eavesdropped on by Walt Cummings and possibly the dude in the white house closet named Nathanson(?), Jack heads over to meet Mike-- almost. First, he must waste at least 8 of my real-time minutes talking to Faked Death Fodder and Audrey about who kissed who on the playground. I'll tell ya what; I don't like either of em and neither does Jack. Huxley was dead on arrival and any love Jack had for Audrey went out the window the moment she donned those Vince Lombardi glasses for his episode. I know it's noon, but what kind of half-time decision is that? She looked like the offspring of Lisa Loeb and John Kerry (which I could totally see happening). Speaking of which, while binging on The West Wing DVD's this week, I realized that Sean Astin looks exactly like a young Martin Sheen, WHICH MAKES EVERYTHING FIT-- Sean Astin Martin. Just like I said! It's like the Da Vinci code for people with, well, you know, a brain. Side note: Bill Buchanan is the pilot of Air Force One in The West Wing season four. Back to business.

Once Jack gets to the meeting spot, Audrey feels the need to call him on his cell phone, because, you know, he's probably not busy. She asks him if he loves her and he tells her in great length, that yes, she should shut the hell up and never call him again. Now based on previous events, I have to assume (and points to The Kapps Report for mentioning this) that Walt and Nathanson overheard this conversation too, meaning that Jack Bauer just lost ALL of his street cred. I predict that conversation will be used as leverage later on in the season when the terrorists force Jack to shoot everybody's favorite forensic anthropologist Bones(she woke up at 8am five days a week for the Criminology Short Term).

Somewhere in here we find out that the nerve gas is going to take EIGHT DAYS to reach Russia where it will then be a problem for a foreign nation. It's about this time that we know that's not going to happen. I mean, 8 days? That's a long ass time. Are they using an uninsured redneck from uShip or something (www.uship.com)?? And Russia? No, a vague threat to a foreign nation eight days down the road is not going to set the dramatic tone that 24 depends on. So the rest of the episode of pretty much implied once we have that knowledge.

So Walt tells President "I'm Melting!" Jowlsberg that he's done a berry berry bad fing and Jack and Mike get captured. While this is poetic justice for Mike who locked others in closets during his trustworthy Palmer upheaval, I was momentarily annoyed at the slowdown. But then something awesome happened. FIRST, Bill Buchanan sounded like a giddy schoolgirl groupie when he suggested that they disobey the President's order to turn over power. "We can disregard the order." Buchanan tells Astin Martin who says blah blah blah no way. "That's because you don't have experience with this sort of thing," Buchanan goes on, oblivious to his role last season. "Yeah, see, I've seen Jack do this, it's pretty neat. You see, what you do is, you actually DON'T do what someone tells you to do, and you know, it's pretty cool and whatnot, and there's some dual handguns involved and sometimes some sniping and triple super secret double-agent work!" He concludes by saying, "You also need to make decisions faster," with such Jack Bauer protege fan-club earnesty that it made me want to hug him and put a band-aid on his knee. First rule of Jack Bauer: We're running out of time.

XxTheCannonXx: Hey, you there?
BauerPower123: What.
XxTheCannonXx: I just...I love you. I just wanted to say that.
BauerPower123: roflmao
XxTheCannonXx: Whatever. XxTheCannonXx has signed off

This is promptly followed up by Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce stepping up and fulfilling his potential per my previous post and proving that at the very least, Aaron Pierce reads this blog. Aaron listens to what Jack has to say, determines that if Jack Bauer's story is corroborated by a possibly insane woman, then it stands as truth (If Jack Bauer's story is corroborated by the Ashlee Simpson box set it stands as truth). He sets Jack free and follows him into the President's office where Jack kicks the crap out of Walt and, YES, TORTURES HIM A LITTLE! Aaron stands by confidently as Jack threatens to cut a man's eye out and then hands the President his badge when the treasonous conduct is concluded. At that moment it is revealed that Jack Bauer is Aaron Pierce's "Made" Coach and that Aaron was just officially "Made".

Predictably, the episode ended with the cannisters of nerve gas going missing, and a threat against the US which made no sense. If the terrorists wanted so badly to steal the nerve gas for their cause, why would they then waste it on the US when they finally had sole possession of it? This I don't know, but it will certainly make for better action packed non-stop action season...next week. I could have used an extraneous bomb being rigged to kill all the soldiers looking for the gas. Or how about a snipe? It's been at least 3 hours, couldn't someone go hunting, if only for food like in The Oregon Trail? It'll be a week before we know for sure what else we have to look forward to. Until then, keep checking back for more posts, keep spreading the word, and as always,

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz

Get Cage and Connery on The Phone, Now!

If the terrorists decide to take the gas north to San Francisco and hide out on Alcatraz we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Nick Cage and Sean Connery have dealt with this before, and they had to battle Ed Harris!

First of all, I would like to say that the writers of this show have set back my respect for television women 60 years, to the point where I am likely to begin calling them "dames." Audrey actually calls Jack up in the middle of exposing an insider white house conspiracy involving terrorists and nerve gas to ask if when it's all over he will come back to her? And hug her and love her and buy her a puppy?? C'MON. Take a look in Jack's stylish olive drab messanger bag ($49.99 from banana republic) and see what's in there. Is it breath mints? No... Is it cologne and roses? Nope... A valentines day card? No. It's a fucking gun. And probably some ether. And deffinately a little concealed eyeball remover. 24 is sweet enough already. It doesn't need a half-hearted effort at a plot b romance to keep our attention. And girls are yucky.

Aside from this miniscule gripe, which I really played out more than necessary for joke potential, tonight's episode was sweet, proving once again that I get super excited every time Jack threatens to hurt someone in a gruff voice.

Prediction: Now that the first lady has credibility, her true crazy will kick in and people WILL believe her which will lead to trouble. Good night and good luck.

love, James

Friday, January 27, 2006

a little mid-week action

wow... this thing is a flourish of activity post-monday 9:00pm EST... and then...

Here's something for you to chew on: how effing fast is this season moving through the plot? first season it took 12 episodes to get through the Gaines group and another 12 for the drazens... now it's 4 shows and the airport goons are done.

And another one: How is it that the terrorists are so smart that they plan diversion after diversion to get to their ultimate goal? They should try to KISS (keep it simple stupid)... especially considering the audience of fox and their news outlet.

Finally: if CTU has become better and better at sniffing out ridiculous terrorist plans (see above), how come they still have the worst HR(hiring moles... and KIM!!!)/medical(everyone effing dies) and security departments (how many times has someone snuck in/out, shot a terrorist after their husband died of a weaponized plague, drugged their boss, done heroin, snuck a baby in, gotten sniped on the loading dock, etc, etc, etc)?

-jkow

PS: who would win in a fight between Curtis/Palmer (big and black)? Chappelle/Mike Novik (squirly, white, and bald)?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Jesus Christ, Witz

Did you steal some of my adderall last year and blow a couple lines of it before you wrote that last post? Unfortunately it was as funny as it was long, so I had to keep scrolling down using my laptop's touch pad. Anyone who has ever had to do this will affirm that this means I deffinately appreciated what you wrote. Anyway, get a real job so I don't have to deal with the logistics of your humor any more.

I believe I have an interesting point of view on our beloved show because I watch it with my grandfather, who I'm sure would prefer to be watching the weather channel. (Old people know something we don't, I swear. He's always talking about how foggy it is in Oregon, or whether they need rain in Wichitaw. More later, as I discover their secrets). My Grandpa indulges my 24 habit, but unfortunately, the only people more ADD than I am are old people, so I am constantly fielding questions such as "Who is that?" and "How about a little bourbon on the rocks?" I am usually able to handle these questions, but last night's episode had a few that I just couldn't compute myself.

Question I could handle: "Is she that woman from before with the son? Are they shackin' up together?" Answer: "Yes, she is, and no, I don't think so, although they seem to be keeping that ambiguous to unnecesarily thicken the plot between her and Aub-drey." P.S., when's the last time you "shacked up" with someone? I think that's brilliant- I am officially submitting it to be added to modern vernacular as something that "the cool kids are callin' it now."

Question I couldn't handle: "Why do they ride on the side of the van like that?" I can only assume that was meant to be some kind of "car surfing" outtake to later be cut in with scenes of Curtis and his S.W.A.T. team "backyard wrestling."

Question I could handle, but will be asked again and again, regardless: "So that's the bad guy there?" Answer: "No, Grandpa, that's the head of CTU- he's the good guy." The fundamental problem here is that the lighting on the set of the big bad terrorist mastermind hideout control room ($59.95 at KB Toys) is exactly the same as the lighting on the set of CTU. Until one of them hassles maintenence into changing the dead light bulbs I will be forced to field this same question every week.

Well I'm probably guilty of long-bloggin' it myself now (although ladies do love the long-blog) so I'll let you go with Grandpa's tip of the day: "Save your empties."

love,

James "Go Shack Up With Yourself" Getomer

Q&A (not to be confused w/ T&A)

in no particular order (other than when i thought of them)

Q: did anyone else notice how effing funny last night's episode was?
A: no? "DAMNIT!!" I think chloe should be up for a golden globe for the "funniest awkward sidekick in a musical, comedy, drama, documentary, drama-dy, mockumentary or real-time show "

Q: how awesome was the scene at the beginning at the airport w/ Curtis' strike team hanging onto the side of the SUV?
A: very

Q: when i said "awesome", did I mean "funny" more than anything else?
A: yes

Q: who wanted a three-some w/ Audrey (Q: or is it Aubrey? A: who the eff cares!), the hot redhead Diane (from the short-lived baywatch hawaii, btw [no, I did NOT imdb that shit, i just knew it], and jack?
A: me (though I'll have to TM my buddy Tilden on that one)

Q: was the redhead my favorite on baywatch?
A: ...obviously

Q: Has Egdah gotten fatter since last season?
A: no, seriously, did he? I thought so, too. (side note, I wish Edgah would start doing the Edgar Renteria obnoxious oblique/side stretch that he did all the effing time!!)



Finally:
Q: can you TM "snipe"?
A: ehh....

Most lazy "explain the terrorist plot" line

The missing "yellow tie" hostage (now in a warmer sweater and leather jacket) to his terrorist teammate: "Now those Russians will know what happens to people who occupy our land. We are going to turn Moscow into a graveyard"

His teammate's repsonse? "OBVI ALL CAPS"

What the writers almost used for Yellow Tie's terrorist plot explanation to his fellow terrorist:

"I am so happy that we have unearthed this nerve gas that has been secretly stashed here since the Cold War, and that the Chief-of-Staff of the United States is in on it with us, and that we had to kill Palmer (tear) because he was going to tell Marty, and that it is all perfect timing with the Russian/US anti-terrorist treaty signing.. aren't you? Moohoohahaha"



ps: caitlin sent me this link. I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 11:00AM and 12:00PM the Day of Sean Astin's Bar Mitzvah

Real time never felt so real. Aside from the driving, cell phoning (When Jack says, "We're running out of time" from now on, i'm going to assume he means that his minutes are running out and that he can't afford the overages), and rat corpse finding, I feel like "24" went out to brunch this week. They did a lot to move the plot, which I respected, but they also didn't fire a shot until the last 2 minutes of the show when they remembered that Jack Bauer was a fine tuned killing machine. While there wasn't very much action, the espionage kicked in, so although I felt like I watched more commercials in real time than usual, I enjoyed this week's episode.

How could I not like the show when it began with rat corpses!? Curtis stepped up into his apparent new role as The Man (with bling!) and immediately used his skills to find what warty old homeless women and young mentally challenged girls have been finding for years: dead rats. The difference between Curtis and I is that while his first assumption was nerve gas, mine was Crispin Glover. I'm not saying anybody in America saw Willard, but I did suspect Fox had a cameo up its sleeve. Unfortunately/fortunately, the threat is not pretentious actors, but nerve gas, and the only cameo thus far is from now credited guest star Sean Astin who will now go by Astin Martin for his lightning fast thinking and his ability to handle the turns that CTU throws his way.

Before we get to trouble at CTU I have to mention the "Nobody believes the truth because its messenger is effing nuts" plotline which is slowly working out the vein in my forehead. When David Palmer was just assassinated, Jack Bauer is not actually dead, and Skating With the Stars precedes "24" on Fox, isn't it possible that you should believe your wife when she says she might possibly have information to tell you? At the very least it will shut her up! Politically, I'd thinking being 5 minutes late to a meeting would workout better than releasing a "the first lady throws her feces" memo to the press. NOT TO MENTION, when somebody passes out, barely lives and there is no medical evidence to prove that she did it to herself, MAYBE instead of giving her the heave ho, it would make some sense to see what the doctor believes. I mean, couldn't they call in House for this? Or what about Bones? Just because she shares her name with a serial killer played by Snoop Dogg doesn't mean that she couldn't see what's what. But what should I expect, really, given President "Weapon X" Logan's inability to do more than gawk at life and occasionally look like there's something in his pants where there wasn't something a few minutes ago? I have to give Jeff and Bill Simmons credit for bringing up The Peyton Manning Face in the previous post, because there is a new face in town-- The President Logan Face. It's that look he gets when everythings going to hell (but still fairly easy to understand) when he's forced to respond to something or make a decision, and all of a sudden the jowls drop, the eyes swivel back and forth and all you see running through his brain is, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." Unless one of the fifty states is run by Dachshunds and Basset Hounds, I don't know which votes he was pulling as vice president on the ticket. Now back to CTU.

CTU was really where the ish went down this week. It's where the terrorists got their groove on, where Audrey got her "I forget what happened last season relationship-wise with us" on, and where Jack got his Bauer on. First and foremost, however, it is where Edgah got the line of the show on. This line wins the award for best line of the show AND most blatant attempt at bypassing real time television. Mad at Chloe for not telling him about Spenser's Toys and Games and about Frank Flynn's existence, Edgah angrily yawps at Chloe, "How could you not tell me about you two? We've known each other for years!" Really? Have you? Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's been like, a year and a half TOPS. Before that, i'm pretty sure you were living in Jersey collecting points from Hesh. And what time you had seems like it's mostly a working relationship. I've known people for fourteen years that I sometimes lie to for no reason at all. "Did you like Jersey Girl?" Fuck it, yeah, it was delightful. Stuff like that. I mean, JACK FAKED HIS OWN DEATH AND CHLOE WAS IN DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR. Move on. And that's exactly what we're gonna do here.
Because back in CTU The Huxley's have arrived. Obviously written as a black mother and son, but changed by Fox due to its Cops target audience (not so big on the interracial dating), Diane and Derek Huxley awkwardly move back into Jack's life. It's very obvious this was not his plan. Diane was probably hot to him when he could pack up and leave at any minute (proven by the line, "You're mother's a lucky woman to have someone love her like you do." -Jack to Derek implying that he get off his tip), but now he has to treat them like they weren't "I Faked My Own Death" fodder. The first thing that happens when they arrive is Jack sends Derek to the infirmary. "But I'm fine," Derek tells him. "You look like you have rabies," Jack replies, and off he goes. "Hi Jack," Diane coos. "You're cute when I'm drunk," Jack woos and Diane is shuffled off to an interview room.
The biggest moment at CTU and of the show really, was when Spenser revealed himself to be (inadvertently, The Recruit style) both a terrorist and a bad Keanu Reeves impersonator. We all knew what was happening when his PAGER went off and he shuffled away to the "Bad Guys Utility Room." First of all, what the hell was he doing with a pager? Nobody found that odd in CTU? Were the terrorists planning on planting a bomb inside Jack Bauer's WALKMAN? Are they wearing sambas and gazelle's so they can run away faster?? IS WALT HIDING NIKE PUMPS IN THE CLOSET?? "You have until the end of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to meet our demands. After that, we will force the Bills to lose the superbowl three times in a row!" The more notable aspect of Spenser's betrayal is that one of our own members PREDICTED IT A WEEK AGO. The Xtreme Ops Award for snooping out a plot twist goes to Notyourmomula (comments, last week's summary post) for this sniping of plot. It's about time somebody sniped something around here.
My problem with the handling of Spenser (and I think others would agree) is that Buchanan did the old "C'mon, tell us" bit instead of the Jack Bauer The Untouchables impersonation where he sticks the gun in the guys' mouth. "We, uh, really need you to, uh, help us...Spenser." Has there ever been a more necessary time to give Johnson a call? I mean, where is he with his eighteen inch needles and truth syrum? Was it really that long ago that The Secretary of Defense's son was strapped down and tortured with VR Boy until he admitted that yes, he did have plans to go on The OC and date rape his brother's girlfriend? I'm just saying that yes, Jack did get the answer out him later, but that's not how CTU should present itself. AND the only reason it was so simple was because the terrorist assassin tried to kill Jack down in medical. This once again proves my theory that CTU has THE WORST MEDICAL ROOM IN THE WORLD. I don't think there's been a single person who left medical in better shape than they went in. Audrey's husband- dead, not enough doctors. That old Female CTU Head's daughter- dead, suicide. Dr. Paulsen- dead, shot for his scrubs. His name was Dr. Paulsen. His name was Dr. Paulsen. The odds on Tony coming out of that coma just went down. Place a parlay bet on Tony surviving and Chase re-emerging with a cannon fused on his arm Mega-Man style and you just might win a lot of money.

In the end, as we all know, Jack went buck on the assassin and they finally connected Spenser with Pastey Skeazeball Cummings. My money is on Mike Novick taking him out with his very own Skeaze-Eye, but Jack is apparently totally free to track Walt down himself and deal with it off the payroll. Let's just note hat the last time he said he would do it by himself he was caught on camera, dealt to the Chinese Government, and had to fake his own death. That really worked out for him. Good ole Jack.

Extra Credit:

Do a character study of Aaron the presidential security guard. What is his moral compass? Is he too loyal? Have we mistaken loyalty with blind adherence to the rules of his superiors? Why wasn't he selected to stay with Palmer's ex-presidential security group after Palmer left office? And how did Mike get away with locking someone in a closet? Did Aaron let that happen?

Keep It Jack,
Witz

insert witty 24 title here

Some thoughts from the desk of Jeff Kowaleski:
fyi: I ate my lunch as fast as possible so I could make my first post)

-"Even jack bauer hates kim"- that's priceless.

-Good call w/ 24 taking out the #2 and #3 characters (or maybe 2a and 2b). wtf? wait, i got it, palmer will come back as joe boo (sp?, that's right from major league) using voodoo. tony came back from a point-blank shot to the neck... pfff... what's a car-bomb to the cubs-mug-toting man? he'll shrug that shit off like the panthers shrugged off the giants. (OHHHH!!! shit, that's right! eli and peyton can have "manning" face competitions back in nahlins together now.)

-audrey raines is the worst... why did they bring her back? maybe edgah "traded after hanley was already gone and the red sox are paying a bunch of his salary and Retcharia will probably have an all-star year w/ the braves" stiles will eat her... during the competition with the guy schlo-mo is with. (btw, how funny was the scene w/ chloe and the guy in bed. i wish i could remember some awkward chloe quotations.)

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Top Jack Bauer Facts (In the tradition of Chuck Norris and Mr. T)

Top 10 Jack Bauer Facts:

1.) While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.

2.) When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

3.) Jack Bauer doesn’t dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.

4.) Jack Bauer’s parents were an Austrian boxing legend named Otmar and a black Hummer H2.

5.) When Jack Bauer uses the phrase, “We’re running out of time,” he really means that when time is up, he will be forced to use his time machine to reload the level and play again.

6.) Jack Bauer avoided The Grim Reaper twice in his life; once by wearing Blue Blockers, and again by telling him his name was Frank Flynn.

7.) Jack Bauer has no problem using the oversized xbox controllers…but is still terrible at Madden 2005.

8.) Jack Bauer invented hammer pants by accident, but created Vanilla Ice on purpose.

9.) Jack Bauer can animate himself.

10.) Haley’s comet only passes by the earth once every 75 years because of a misunderstanding with Jack Bauer millions of years ago.

11.) Jack Bauer can dance the tango, the waltz, the samba, and on the graves of those he’s conquered.

12.) Jack Bauer knows that the end of Superman 2, when Superman flies around the earth to turn back time, is bullshit…because he’s done it. Twice.

13.) Jack Bauer is both circumcised and un-circumcised.

14.) Jack Bauer invented the internet, snapping, and dual hand-guns.

15.) Even Jack Bauer hates Kim.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

The Following Took Place Between 7:00 AM and 11:00 AM The Day of David Palmer's Assassination...And Other Knock-Knock Jokes

Before I get started in on my uber-analysis/drinking game post of last week's episodes, I need to clear one thing up. This site is in fact called, "THEYDontKnowJack" not "YOU" which would be sweeter. The reason of course is because some douchebag who likes JACK RUSSELL TERRIERS took YOU and hasn't posted sice 2002. The blog has useful information like, "They're a type of dog" and "More information later." So we've been assigned to the less sensical, but easily more edgy title of "THEYDontKnowJack", but as I think we'll prove, WE do know Jack, but perhaps THEY don't, HmmmmmMMMmmmm?

Anyway, here comes the good stuff faster than you can say "Oh, good David Palmer's ba--." I'm sitting there on the couch, pumping my fist and trying to figure out if Palmer's brother was in Hotel Rwanda and feeling like i'm in good hands with David Palmer when all of a sudden...SNIPED(tm)!!! This both shook me and got me pumped (I know, but wait). When Palmer when down it was like Johnny swept the leg and I couldn't believe it. I love David Palmer like the black television father I didn't have (never got that into The Cosby Show), and when he got sniped I wanted to weep like the black son who was apparently cut from the show and will probably be recast when they decide to use him later in the season. BUT, and this is a big but, THE SEASON BEGAN WITH A SNIPE! Not only is this the first snipe for our Jack In the Box Presents The Snipe Tally, but think about it. This was the PENULTIMATE SNIPE! (The ultimate snipe is obviously sniping Jack Bauer) This is tragic, but also, it bodes well for the sweetness of this season. There, that is the most I will sound like a Jr. High girl in this post. Anyway, we'll miss you David Palmer, I guess Jabu didn't come through for you this time.

Minutes later (I know because it's filmed in REAL TIME! EFFING REAL TIME, BABY! LIVE IT!), A car explosion ends Michelle and Tony's super-awkward home life, and proves to us three things.
1) Nobody likes Michelle.
2) Everybody Loves Tony (8PM on CBS)
3) Tony will die, come back as a ghost (more powerful entity!) and save Jack's ass just when we think he's done for. Like last season when Tony utilized either a time machine or hover car in order to reach that warehouse where Jack was about to die.
**THEORY**
Tony was not put into a coma by the car bomb, but by his haircut going into hibernation.

Unfortunately, this now means Chloe, Edgah, Bill Buchanan, Audrey, and Curtis are our new offensive line. Does anyone else think this looks like the Pats at the beginning of the season when Bruschi was out and nobody thought they had a shot at the playoffs? It feels like the Uconn Basketball team where just a few years ago El Amin, Voskul, and Hamilton were ruling the court, and now everyone's cheering for Rudy Gay (More on Rudy related news later). It's not the team you fell in love with, but they're stepping up and now we have to deal with it. They're a little more awkward on the court, certainly more out of shape, and maybe a little Bad News Bears-esque, but they knew that if they sat on the bench long enough, they'd eventually move up to the limelight. It was just a matter of carbombs, snipers, fake deaths, and Nina Myers.

Speaking of Nina, what's Audrey's deal? Not only is she confusingly present in every scene, but she's acting like she had to give up Jack when he went into hiding. Didn't she choose her husband over Jack? She's like the forth string quarterback after his Nina, his wife, and that blond chick, who quit the team and then wants to get some front row tickets to the championship game. JGeto-ver-it. He's moved on. He's moved on to an even more annoying woman. What is with Jack getting involved with AWFUL women? I'm sure a whole other rant can be written about this, so I'll let it go. Let's get some psych majors involved.

Moving forward, Jack Bauer aka Frank Flynn (an alias he will now have in his file FOREVER) comes out of hiding, promptly kills the man who told him that he was being framed (nice) and once again proves to us that he's really into greasy teenagers. He's immediately sweet, killing everyone in his path, but then suddenly settles down, hides in the ventilation and takes it ease. WHAT HAPPENED TO JACK'S AWESOME RAMPAGE! Apparently, he's settled down, gotten control of his "kill" emotions and is welcomed back into the world (best line in the show: "I think it's obvious that Jack faked his own death, changed his name to Frank Flynn, and is currently wearing very cool sunglasses." - Bill Buchanan paraphrased) Regardless, this settling down led to one of the worst let-downs in 24 history. The line from the previews, "Let's get one thing straight Bill, I don't work for you!" was delivered at the absolute worst moment, when Jack wanted to use single ply toilet paper instead of Bill’s safer suggestion of two-ply.

Despite these setbacks, the show hooked me again and i'm ready for those former-hockey players to set off some nerve gas in a fictional airport (Ontario! Take THAT Canada!) and am ready to stand behind my new president....President Bipolar Distrusting Skeazey White Guy who makes Mike Novick look like Charles In Charge. Speaking of which, new comer White Houser Walt Cummings wins the Skeazier Than Mike Novick Award, while simultaneously being the most trusted man around. Probably because he looks like Kyle Mchlachlan from Twin Peaks. Plus, he uses ringback-tones so he's loved by terrorists and congressman alike. I am ready for the new season, ready for the action or passive aggression of Jack Frankly Baurflynn, and when that terrorist mastermind steps out of the janitor's closet in the White House, you heard it here first.

FINAL POINTS:
-Rumors of Kim coming back better be exaggerated, or else the show better move to HBO so we can see "the actresses."
-Edgah getting upstaged by new guy banging Chloe better turn into either an arm wrestling, food eating, or slam-dancing competition.
-RUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY! As long as Sean Astin Martin is onscreen, I can't help but be on edge, knowing that at some point, he will make that big tackle. GO TEAM.

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz

Things that piss me off about 24

One important note: from here on out, I will refer to Jack Bauer as "JB". There is an important spritual reason for this. Much like Orthodox Jews are not allowed to write God's name in print, and often write "G_D", I am not allowed to write JB's name. JB is my new Deity, and he is so much cooler than all other deities, that he encompasses all those other deities as well. For example

1) JB died for our sins
2) JB will be represented by a picture of a fat, bald Kiefer Sutherland in a loin cloth
3) JB throws thunderbolts and empregnates unsuspecting women
4) JB could kick Chuck Norris' ass. In fact, the creators of 24 toyed with the idea of introducing Norris as the main villain for this season's 24 hours of Glory, but decided he is a pussy compared to JB

Now, on to things that have angered me in the first hours of 24

1) Here is a list of characters who are almost as cool as Jack Bauer: President Palmer and Tony Almeida. One of them was killed 13 seconds into the frikking show, the other one is in a hospital in what appears to be a coma. Palmer is dead and he's not coming back (other than the awkward moments when he appears in an State Farm insurance commercial while I'm watching 24, which almost sent me into seizures when I saw it. More on this later)

The Tony situation is a lose / lose situation. The man just got screwed by a freaking car bomb. He has 20 hours to come out of his coma / the operating table and do something cool that makes people forget about JB for like 3 seconds. If he doesn't, well Fuck, we just lost out on an awesome character. If he does, I will not believe he could ever do it. Even tony can't cuz blowed up by a car bomb and save the day 4 hours later. Can't happen. Sorry.

So instead of Palmer and Tony, the people who survive are that fat fucking slob Edgar (check the tapes, I don't think he's been in a single scene where his ass isn't glued to that chair; I cheered when his mom died in the nuclear explosion) and that amazingly unattractive blond woman who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I can't even describe how upset I was when this happened. I almost turned off 24 for good. but it would be a sin to turn your back on JB. And unlike all those other pussy deities, JB does not forgive....

Now, for my random tangent. President Palmer was assasinated early on in the first show. This was upsetting enough. I feel like a piece of me died with him. I was in shock, cried for help, but no help came, only commercials. So imagine my shock when Dennis Haysbert (Pres Palmer) shows up on my screen only a few minutes later! Hope! Glory! Salvation! It was a trick! A setup!

"A traffic accident is your worst moment. But we like to think it's where we shine. Sign up for State Farm insurance today. Like a good neighboor, State Farm is there"

My heart comes crashing to the ground. This is comparable to all those Red Sox moments. There is only one comprabale situation: your wife is pregnant, but you think the baby isn't yours, so you go to the doctor to get it checked out. he comes back and says "The Baby is yours, congratulations". What joy! your greatest fears have been allayed! You can live life with a weight off your shoulders like David Ortiz has climbed off your back. Then the doctor looks at you with a confused look and says "shit, my bad, I came into the wrong room. Well, while I'm at it, the baby is in fact not yours. Do you know someone named Kemp? Shawn Kemp?"

I have never felt so betrayed. And not just betrayed, but betrayed to STATE FARM FUCKING INSURANCE! And you know someone at Fox thought this would be HILARIOUS! I mean, are there any decent people left at the Fox Network? I doubt it.

JB would never have done that to me

Things you didn't know you could do while holding a pistol really tightly and looking really conspicuous in your Blue Blockers

1. Disappear behind a car for 5 seconds and reemerge in a completely different set of clothing, without caring about where you left your old clothes.
2. Become invisible to scores of FBI agents.
3. Teach a borderline autistic woman how to read, write, and effortlessly hack into wireless broadcast hubs from underground garages.
4. Pull off Blue Blockers and not have everyone start singing that annoying rhyme the black guy did on the commercial.
5. Successfully navigate a Mac even though you were clearly raised on a PC.
6. Read Japanese.
7. Hijack a car without resorting to the old "screwdriver in the ignition" or "filed down Honda keys work for everything" tricks.
8. Hit play on your CD changer by discharging the clip of your pistol, but the RELOAD said pistol using the natural transfer of kinetic energy from the changer back to the clip.
9. Make everyone think you still know Elisha Cuthbert.
10. Have the homemade video of when you left your keys in the house and needed to get inside so you broke in aired on national TV, just to prove that THERE WAS NOT A SPARE KEY UNDER THE FLOWER POT. That only happens if you're bush league.

Friday, January 20, 2006

I'm Depressed.

Is this the internet? Am I "blogging?" Have I finally joined my friends as well as emotionally unstable 13 year olds across the land in the wide world of online thought-posting? The free exchange of ideas across international boundaries? If so, I have something to say. I'm depressed.

I'm depressed and it's only partially due to the fact that I singed my eyebrows while grilling hot dogs over my grandfather's vintage 1930's gas range this morning. (For details visit: www.Isingedmygoddamneyebrowscookingtubedmeat.blogspot.com) No, fellow internet wizzards, I'm depressed because the title of this Blog is 24: The Post-College Years. This whole time I've been saying "College-Graduate," which sounds so full of hope! But now I see the truth. This life I've been living is not the life of a college grad, its the life of someone who is indeed "Post College."

I've got all the major warning signs: A growing collection of "interview suits," an outragously high 6-month auto insurance policy and an ever-present tummy paunch which threatens to make me look more like my father every day.

Well it stops here! From now on I am no longer post-college. I am pre-CTU. I will watch 24 religiously, honing my skills in riflery, computer hacking (blogging), and sneaking through ventilation ducts. It's important to have a goal in life, and now I've got one. Some day, I'm gonna rescue, torture, infiltrate, or snipe something. First, I will begin by safely and successfully preparing lunch with no major accidents. The future is bright my friends. Let's all take a big bite.

24: The Post-College Years Mission Statement

So I'm bored, unemployed and wanted to try this whole blog deal out, so I decided to start this "24" blog to attempt to regain some of the humor and glory of watching "24" in The Village. While we may be separated (and Karina is dead to me!), I thought we could at least have a lot of fun venting, joking, or just saying hot strange it is that David Palmer was sniped(tm) and then tried to sell me car insurance. I think it'll be fun, and can expand outside the dynamic world of "24." In closing, I'll simply say that I like my television shows like I like my women: in real time. I think you do too.

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz