Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 5AM and 7AM While Curtis, Wayne Palmer and Kim Bauer fired their agents: A Live Diary of The 24 Finale

I knew the only way to capture the final two hours of 24 was to fully harness the spur of the moment emotions running through me, and what better way to finish off a season of Bill Simmons inspired commentary than to copy for the 2nd or 3rd time, a Bill Simmons live journal entry format. So here it is: my live reactions to the final two hours of a season that should never have happened. And it doesn't begin until.....

8:08 – The first “we’re running out of time” in weeks. I swore I wouldn’t kick this off until a Jack Bauer moment and we finally had one. Boo Yah.

8:10: “Are you right handed or left handed?” Jack asks engineer guy. “Right.” he replies. “Kill him with your left hand, it will feel like somebody else is doing it,” Jack tells him, and laughs like a middle-schooler. I gotta say, the army much be cringing when he says "I wasn't trained to do that." That's silly though, we all know The Army watches The Unit and Big Love.

8:12: "Cut him deep, and cut him fast." Jack is back on board, baby. Where was this alllll season?

8:13: 24 the video game begins. “You have less than 7 minutes before missile launch,” Chloe informs us. It takes Russian subs 7 minutes to fire their missiles? No wonder they’re eating there own army instead of ruling Eurasia like they ought to. By the way, how over-hyped was "Eurasia" in elementary school? Total over-promotion.

8:16 Where’d agent McCullough come from? …This is gonna be sweet. YEP! Complete with “Badass Moment of the Season”: saying “we’re all clear, before the Knifed-in-Throat-Terrorist was dead.

8:18 Agent McCullough’s dead. He lasted like…two minutes….

8:20 Jack just killed Greg Giraldi that was always on The Colin Quinn Show via ridiculous pipe steam death and then went all Bloodsport on Berzerko. Cool beans.

8:21 Jack gets all “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,“ on Henderson’s ass and guns him down In Cold Blood (Capote was overrated). INCONCEIVABLE! I give the first 20 minute segment of the finale an 8 out of 10—which is higher than I’ve given the last 8 episodes.

8:23 – Wait, is Spoon making a push for a merchandise comeback with this cell phone commercial??? What can I say, Molly was a sweet song.

8:24 – I’m still hyped up for X3, but all these commercials have taken away the edge. I wish they hadn’t moved past, “start commercial, ::whisper:: X-Men: The Last Stand, end commercial.” That’s how to keep a movie special.

8:25 – Uhhh, Jack didn’t show ANY ID and he just got all the officers’ guns holstered AND got a vehicle. “And I’m supposed to be happy cuz he’s wearing a backpack (see satchel).” No wonder Jack’s had 5 reallllly bad days, if you talk firmly and directly to special forces, they will react like a dog and do whatever you want. Incidentally, I want season six to be “the sixth worst day in Jack Bauer’s life” and just have a normal shit day…you know, debit card doesn’t work, no dress socks to wear, can’t find his gun, looks a little balder than usual, has his soft taco spill out onto his shirt…. Just a shit day.

8:31 – Mike The Skeaze Novick versus Toby Ziegler: FIGHT!

8:32 – “It’s probably better if we don’t have any contact” – Aaron. Wait for it.

8:32 – 3
8:32 – 2
8:32 – 1
8:33 – CONTACT. Ha! Aaron LOVES the crazy booty.

8:36 – 1 in 5 children get sexually predatored online…what they don’t tell you is that 1 in 5 Predators get sexually harassed by Aliens on Yahoo! Messenger.

8:40 – 24 lost its shit on camera and created Chloe’s ex-husband “Morris.” Lucky for 24 he’s bald, british, and sporting an exhorbitant amount of chest hair. Do I smell spinoff…or is that just Morris’ Italian aftershave? The second 20 minutes of the finale gets a 2 out of 10.

8:42 – Somewhere, someone in this world is cueing up Wayne Palmer’s music.

8:46 – For those of you who are wondering, over in the “NeXt” Van, the narrator refers to the “4 hard-bodies in the van” despite the fact that one of them is, clearly, a fattie.

8:52 – President Droopy kisses like he’s in Cool World. Priceless shot, though, of the Droopster getting his shirt unbuttoned and giving Martha the “Everything’s comin up Droopy!” smile. And why not? The man’s on a roll.

8:54 – End of the first hour by my clock. I give the last twenty minutes a 3 out of 10. For those of you keeping score at home, Morris has had more screentime than Curtis so far this finale. I predict a “Bare-Chest Showdown” in the final hour. Also, Morris will end up being part of a giant Jewish Liberal Media Conspiracy that will spiral into a movie.

THE FINALE PART II

The following took place between 6 am and 7 am:

8:59 – Jack watches Silverhawks and eats Lucky Charms.

9:00 – Jack ditches his satchel and hoodie for a flight suit! NO! How could he ditch his emo-gear after this long???

9:02 – Jack puts on Dark Helmet's helmet from Spaceballs and gets into the chopper.

9:04 – If I were the President, or terrorists, or drug-dealers, at this point in life, I would just run a routine “Jack Bauer search” before boarding any vehicle or running any operation.

COME ON TORTURE SCENE! COME OOOOOOOON! Jack should perform all the “urban legends” on him. First make him drink coke and eat pop rocks, then stab him with an AIDS needle at a concert, and then—oh shit, Jack just went all Private Pyle on Droopster!

9:11 – Haha, I love Morris. Hi chest hair screams “Ocean’s 13.” Why didn’t they drop him on us earlier? Oh yeah, and for those of you keeping score at home, that’s Morris 3, Curtis 0. Apparently, Wesley Snipes was wrong, you should never bet on black. Curtis has had more screen time on the tv guide channel this season than he has on 24.

9:15 – HOLY STANDOFF! Ron Livingston and a Bones look-a-like are in a new show together about negotiators! Of course, that’s balanced by Gina Torres being in the show, but WHO CARES?? Ron Livingston is back on a weekly basis!

9:20 – Satchel-less and hoodie-less, Jack is still sooo emo right now. WHERE THE EFF IS THE TORTURE! TORTURE IS PROOF THAT YOU WILL KILL! TORTURE HIM! AAAAAGH, THE WRITERS HAVE TORTURED US THIS SEASON MORE THAN JACK HAS TORTURED ANYONE! AT THE VERY LEAST HE COULD HAVE KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS! THAT’S A MORAL VICTORY! Where’d Wayne Palmer’s music go? What happened to Curtis? I miss Morris! How can Prison Break have a third season??? Were the writers like, “we need the main character to be someone who’s pretty good at breaking out of prison…but not THAT good.”

….
….
9:23 – alright, I’m calmer now. So here’s a question: If the pres wants Jack Bauer gone so badly, why not just turn him over to THE FREAKING CHINESE?

9:30 – Ew, Droopy just said, “making love.”

9:35 – Wow, Walt must have made quite the splash with the critics, huh? Gotta say, I didn’t see “Vanished” cummings. Does this mean that “Empathetic and helpful banker guy” is gonna get a show as an off the wall trial lawyer or something?

9:38 – If a Wayne Palmer comes out and sees his shadow— it means six more weeks of no Wayne Palmer.

9:40 – Am I crazy or is the 24 music sounding exactly like the end of the X-Men theme song right now? I hope Droopy’s trial takes place on Boston Legal, full of quips and what not.

9:44 – Has anyone cared less about a love story plot than with Jack and Aubdrey? Why not just drop that? Oh my god, Jack just fell for the “Your estranged daughter called for you on that un-listed phone in that brokedown-ass shack” trick.

9:55 – THE CHINESE! That move is officially the writers acknowledging that this season was WORTHLESS and they have to get back on track to a plotline that had some semblance of entertaining television. Having said that, this finale was total crap. The conclusion was known weeks ago, and when it’s here, they didn’t even do anything to surprise us! Ok, the wife helped…crazy, what clever television. I was more surprised by the Walt Cummings spinoff and more excited by the Standoff preview. The only consolation is that next season they'll pick up where they left off last season, thereby negating all of this season. Does this mean Jack is gonna be in Shanghai for his next 24 hours? Goodbye ALL OF THE CHARACTERS THUS FAR. Maybe 24 needs a fresh start, though, but I can't say I'll necessarily be there watching it. Until my final post, I gotta go ahead and say,

Keep It Jack,

Witz

Monday, May 22, 2006

Justice League

So I started a (crappy) post late last week that just didn't happen. Given the pending (potential) demise of this forum, I felt that I had to make a (short) contribution before "THE MOST RE-DONK-U-LOUSLY ACTION-PACKED FINALE YET!" or whatever Fox is saying in their radio ads about tonight's ep.

I know I always say to NOT watch the end-of-the-episodes (and I still do), but I happened to see the finale ad this weekend. I'm sorry, but Jack's threat at the end to the Droopy cracked me up. Furthermore, after seeing the ad, I might have to take back my proclamation that Droopy will kill himself. I now say/hope that Aaron will kill him... and Barry Bonds.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Close to the End

So, we are nearing another close to a random 24 hour period in Jack "Keifer is a girl's name" Bauer's life, and this period has been quite possibly the most random. JB comes out of hiding, airport is taken hostage, he is going to save russia, now the US, some nerve gas, every major character dies, robocop's face is a bad guy, homeland security takes over CTU, JB takes over a plane, the president is evil and isnt as stupid as we thought (oh wait, yes he is). I think I covered most of the major plot points, except for one... the recording (which warrants its own paragraph).

Now this one stupid recording is the only piece of evidence against the president. If I had it in my possession, I would call every person programmed in my phone and play it to them (more people to hear the evidence), and the people who didn't pick up, they would have a nice message waiting for them in the morning (oh wait, that would also be duplicate recordings). I mean JB came into possession of this thing around midnight-ish, at least 75% of his programmed numbers would be fast asleep and he would have tons of copies of the recording (unless he only has Kim, Aubdrey, CTU and Tony programmed in his phone... and on that note, 25% would be dead [sorry Tony]). I get pissed everytime I see that thing, because even I know that I could make a copy of it.

So with the most random 24 hours (sans 2 hours) under our collective belts, let us realize one thing: If you have a recording of something that could be used against someone else, play it on some one else's voicemail, just so you know there is another copy floating around.

- A dash

Note: I don't even need to get into the fact that I almost broke my living room table when I thought Curtis was going to be dead after being shot by a god damn mexican hacker terrorist

The Following Took Place Between 10am and 11am This Morning

So I wrote an entire long ass inciteful as all hell post today and it got lost thanks to my work's internet somehow. So no good post from me right now, but look for something sometime soon when I build my initiative back up.

Witz

The Following Took Place Between 10am and 11am This Morning

So I wrote an entire long ass incitement as all hell post today and it got lost thanks to my work's internet somehow. So no good post from me right now, but look for something sometime soon when I build my initiative back up.

Witz

Friday, May 12, 2006

Homeland Sith-curity

So, we all know how I’ve been calling for a Droop-icide for a while now. Well, I was one evil, crater-faced bastard away from “I TOLD YOU SO!” Gah! Miles can eat dog poop.

Side note: This reminds me of an interesting point asked many times by my roommate Chris: “Why are the bad guys on 24 always ugly?”

Speaking of the nefarious Darth Crater, what did he do with the all-important recording at the end of the episode? Did he take it from Chloe's side without saying “YOINK!”?? What about those flashing red lights? For the sake of the Alliance, I hope that Chloe “Apparently Hot” O’Brien already transferred the message to R2D2 and jettisoned the lifepods.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Following Ought to Take Place: A 24 Transcript

The following transcript was taken from a future roundtable discussion featuring Jack Bauer/Kiefer Sutherland, Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Curtis, The Ghost of David Palmer, President Droopy Dog, Mike Novick, Aaron the Security Guard, and Charlie Sheen. The conversation is moderated by Mariners Designated Hitter: Carl Everett.

Carl: Aight, thank ya'all for comin'. Let's get right to it, 'cause I'm not one to beat around the bush. Jack Bauer, what would you say to those who claim that "24" itself, is a hoax perpetrated by terrorists to undermine our country's security?

JB: I'm not sure I understand the question. Who believes that--

Carl: --Me, for starters.

JB: Well, that's absurd, it's a television program--

Carl: --exactly. It's already fraudulent.

Bill Buchanan: Let me step in here, Jack, you see Carl, 24 is simply a show designed to entertain and occasionally to educate on homeland security procedures. I don't see any basis for--

Carl: --Any basis? Alright Bill, I didn't want to have to do this, but I will. The basis of your entire show is false. "24" meaning "24" hours simply don't exist.

Chloe: What is he talking about? Ugh.

President Droopy: Now, now, I think he might be onto something.

Mike Novick: ::glares sternly::

Carl: Time doesn't exist. It's that simple. God gave us the sun and whudda we do? We measure it? We ENSLAVE the sun. Does that remind you of anything else?

Chloe: Slavery, of course. Ew.

Bill: Slavery.

President Droopy: (whispers, awed) indentured servitude...

Carl: EXACTLY! Indentured servitude. 24 cannot exist because time don't exist. Do you see minutes? Can you fill my cupboard with hours? When's the last time calendar companies have filed bankruptcy? Exactly. Time itself is a scam cooked up by the military-industrial complex to destroy God.

................silence....................

President Droopy (to Mike): Is that true? Did you know that?

Mike: ::glowers at president::

Ghost of David Palmer: Who voted for you?

President Droopy: Why, I-- my wife, for one.

Palmer: Wasn't she clinically insane?

President Droopy: She was a lot of things.

Palmer: Mike, wouldn't you rather be by my side in the afterlife, or in The Unit? We could use a good unathletic skeazy type.

Mike: I thought you'd never ask.

Carl: HEY! Who's runnin' this discussion? Me. Now, Charlie Sheen, you aren't in the show...why are you here?

Charlie Sheen: Hello Carl, and thank you for asking. The fact that I'm not in 24 I see as an oversight by the directors. Given my previous acting experience, my rollercoaster likeability, and my classic Sheen jawline, I basically have already been on the show, and it's only a matter of time before I arrive there again.

Chloe: Two and A Half Men sucks.

Bill: Chloe, please!

Chloe: Your viewers are the people who elected President Logan.

Bill: President Logan, i'm very sorry she--

President Logan: Hm? No, no, she's quite right.

Jack: We're running out of time! Carl, the next question!

Carl: What?

Jack: GIMME THE NEXT QUESTION!

Carl: Why?

Jack: I'll explain later, right now I need you to move forward with the discussion as though nothing has happened, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Carl: I--

Jack: --DAMMIT CARL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??

Carl: President Logan, in the most recent episode, you almost had to commit suicide, but were saved at the last minute. Can you discuss your emotions for us?

President Logan: Well, Carl, that was actually an improvisation I made at the last minute. Originally, I was just supposed to weep like a little girl, but I had been thinking about it before the take and thought, "yeah, this guy would off himself." I hesitated slightly before taking out the gun, however, because I wasn't sure if Logan would be able to actually shoot himself or not-- I mean physically. There was a good chance you would end up missing and shooting only part of himself, or possibly someone in another room, or the Russian President.

Mike Novick: ::laughs:: I was totally thinking the same thing.

Aaron: Quick question for Jack. Where'd you get that satchel and hoodie? They look fantastic!

Jack: Ha, thanks for noticing Aaron, I've been waiting for someone to ask. The satchel, which is actually listed as a "male side-carry purse" ran me just under a hundred bucks at Banana Republic and the hoodie cost just a little more at J.Crew. It was pre-worn, so that accounts for the extra expense, as I didn't have to break it in myself. Though I could have. I can break in anything, human or otherwise.

Bill: We know Jack, we know.

Carl: (pause) Mr. Buchanan, also in this recent week's episode, you were quoted as saying, "They are scrambling the jets from Fort McGoo"...is that the stupidest sounding line you've ever had to deliver with a straight face, or were there others?

Bill: No no, that was the goofiest line ever, although in season one they originally gave Nina a husband named Oscar and I was signed on as an extra. I was supposed to walk over to Jack Bauer's desk with a hot dog and say, "I have a hot dog for an Oscar Myers? This is Oscar Myers' hot dog." And then Jack was supposed to shoot me in the face luckily the scene was cut, and I was later signed as as Bill Buchanan.

Carl: About that. What would you say to the rumors that you are in fact Terry from Survivor?

Bill: Clearly, I'm not.

Jack: How can we be sure?

Bill: What?

Jack: Nothing. Nevermind. That was weird.

Carl: Mike Novick, here's one for ya. You are a man of many scowls. How do you go about preparing your role every week?

Mike Novick: Well Carl, many people think I can just go out there and wrinkle my brow on command, but it's not that easy. The level of skeaze I emit is off the charts. Look at any previous skeaze-ball actor and you'll find they might have the face for it, but they don't have the inspiration behind it. I look at Mike as a New York City face model. With that in mind, every camera shot is a chance to show my newest look. I have scowl, dreary, glare, glower, haha, of course there's confused-glower and shocked-scowl-smirk. But lately i've really been going with "WTFmate-superglare-wrinkle-brow-uber-squint. It's been doing wonders for my skeaze ranking.

Charlie Sheen: Hey, you guys ever see Zoolander?

Jack: No.

Bill: No.

Mike: No.

Aaron the Security Guy: Haha, yeah, I love that movie.

Charlie: I coulda been in that.

Chloe: No, you couldn't have! You don't know how much work goofball comedy takes. Take Dude's Where My Car for example. I had to wear bubble wrap. Have you ever had to wear bubble wrap?

Charlie: I never HAD to...

Carl: Don't get me started on bubble wrap.

Jack: Wasn't Curtis supposed to be here?

Curtis: I AM here.

Jack: Oh. Hi, sorry, I didn't hear from you in a while.

Curtis: Typical.

Aaron: Awkwaaard.

Palmer: I have a question for Jack. How do you see 24 continuing for three more seasons. Follow-up question: When it doesn't, will you quit being a little bitch and join The Unit?

Jack: Well, I see it continuing for 40 million more seasons, if you know what I mean. But seriously, I think there's far more of the 24 universe to explore than people think. We haven't even breached the subject of international healthcare conspiracy for instance, and immigrant worker terrorism is long overdue...and topical. And how about Where's the Beef? Cuz I don't know yet, do you? Plus, Jack still hasnt' found his one true love-- uhp-- spoiler alert!-- Aubdrey's great, but do we really see her sticking around for another season? Let's be honest, there are many more women Jack needs to live with platonically before he can settle down with just one.

Carl: You hit that?

Jack: I hit all sorts of things Carl.

Carl: No, I mean HIT that?

Jack: Oh. Yeah, I tortured her...and her husband actually, nice guy, tough name to pronounce...

President Logan: Hey, lemme ask YOU guys a question...how do you get your cell phone to vibrate without ringing?

Jack, Chloe, Bill, Aaron, Mike, Palmer: Manner mode.

Edgah: Juthst' preth tha atharithk key.

Chloe: Edgar??

Bill: No, sorry, that was me. I was just doing my Edgar impression. ::giggles:: Sorry, ahem..that was wrong.

Carl: Well, that concludes this discussion. We hope to have more in the future, but thanks for being with us. This is Carl Everett saying black people are a myth propagated by the media.

Chloe: But you are--

Carl: Goodnight.

Monday, May 08, 2006

my word

I think tonight is the night. Droopy is going to fall and his cabinet will think he's an idiot. He can't just shoot down a hijacked plane if it's filled with diplomatic people from other countries, at least not without consulting some of his people. I feel Mike's going to step up the plate tonight.


And with that let's see what happens tonight...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

it should be raining.


first off, why didnt the writers have jack just steal one of those reflector jackets off a luggage guy to at least make his boarding the plane a little more believable ? how hard is that.

secondly, isn't the whole plot line of this season dangerously similar to the plot of season, or should i say 'day', two ?? ever since they came out with the plot when jb jacked whitey...i cant remember his name...the suicide guy...the one aubrey banged...you know who im talking about. so i forgot what i was trying to say...

ok, i re-read and im back on track

so this plot is a word-for-word replica of season two. america secretly attacks itself / proves there is a serious terrorist threat so that we can attack the middle east / central asia and control the oil flow and blah blah blah. it's not that im mad about this plot recycling that is going on, im just waiting for the main terrorist behind season two to show up now in season five.

"how can someone they caught / killed in season two wind up in season five" you may ask ?

i'll feed you baby birds...

if you remember the end of day two they kill the sleazy-guy-who-doesn't-button-up-his-shirts-all-the-way in that stadium when he goes to meet sherry "what a crazy bitch" palmer, may she rest in peace. but they never do find the man who gives the hairy chested bandit his orders. and at the end of the season this faceless terrorist orders the hit on president palmer by way of a sexy brunette who obviously didn't wash her hands after using the ladies room. yadda yadda yadda this is the same chick who is involved in the gang-bang with secretary heller's son. aka - ryan's brother on the oc

did anyone else see the deleted scenes from the season two finale ? they had one where nina was supposed to be on the boat with the head terrorist who gets away. but then realized that this didn't make any sense and there was no way they could tie the two characters storylines together.

so if you start thinking about it, this season could end in some huge storyline twisting back to when sherry brought a nuclear bomb onto us soil, kate warner still had jack's leather jacket and some other stuff i really cannot remember. with that said im back to having faith in twenty-four.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

24 Magazine

Odds-maker
20-to-1: Jack will opt for dual tazers over dual pistols some time soon.
2-to-1: We still get a “Get off my plane” quip before Jack’s hijacking ends.
1-to-2: Droopy blows his brains out at the end of the season. (That’s right, I’m sticking to it)


Your own personal IMDb

To answer my own question from Saturday, the Bluetooth guy is, in fact, a recognizable actor. I remembered Tuesday morning that he played a higher-up on ER. More importantly, I’m pretty sure he was a dick in that show, too.

How sketchy was the Air Marshall’s (Band of Brother’s Joe Toye) mustache? I think we now have a quadrilogy of super sketchers this season: Mr. Kim Bauer, Mike “the Skeeze” Novick, and (A)VP. Side note: where’d the veep go? To bed?!? Sider note: what happened to Aubdrey, Curtis and Christopher “Never shortened” Henderson? I know LA has bad traffic, but at 2 AM? During martial law? Sidest note: Wayne? Aaron? Anybody?


This week’s sign of the APOCALYPSE:

Chloe gets hit on… within 24 hours of having a co-worker for a bed-buddy. Yikes!


Bates Rates

Hoodies- Thumbs Up (way up)
Note: I can now explain to my boss in two words (“Homeland Security”) why I wear a hoody every day.

Use of the word “Bowels”- Thumbs… um…down, I guess
Note: What an image: Jack climbing out of something’s bowels.

BuCANNON in a Beater- Thumbs Down
Note: Where was the Tall Boy?

Wax Beans- Thumbs Up
Note: They needed a confidence builder after a bully picked a fight with the most harmless kid on the playground.

Crazy Homeless People- Thumbs Down
Note: Supposedly my roommate’s girlfriend’s friend got KICKED by a homeless person last Saturday night. Don’t get any ideas, Witz.

Chloe Action Sequences- Thumbs Up
Note: Keep ‘em coming.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Zen and the Art of Being Homeless While Watching 24

So i'm literally between homes right now-- actually not literally, I don't just wander aimlessly in geographic regions between large domestic spaces-- look, i'm not HOMELESS is what i'm trying to say. I'm just home-less. Without home. Between A and B where A and B represent places where I can take a crap and not worry about the repercussions. You understand. ANYWAY:

24 Blogger's Gal and I found ourselves in the home of a friend, watching 24 on a different television for the first time this season. Here are some things which happen in your life on the day when you watch 24 while being home-less.

-You wander around after work, musing at the irony of FINALLY having a fulltime job, but now having NO FREAKING HOME! You then wander into The Quarter Lounge where you grab a few beers while watching the Sox/Yankees game, and start to truly feel the vagabond as Doug Mirabelli comes to the plate when you had previously assumed him still on San Diego. Is the past mixing with the present in your suddenly malnourished, pants-optional world? Should you not have eaten the buffalo snacker even though it was only a dollar? The old man full of whiskey next to you asks for milk, is rejeceted, but immediately accepts an 8 oz glass of half-and-half in its place and proceeds to pound (and i mean POUND) TWO FULL GLASSES. All is not well.

-When your friend gets home from work, you make it over to his apartment and begin almost immediately to make tacos. Despite your speed and focus, it takes nearly TWO HOURS to make the tacos, but when they're done, they taste so delicious you would think you haven't eaten in weeks-- Have You?

-Thousands of hispanic immigrants march by. Illegal immigrants might be taking your job. Is this your concern? Would you have a job, and family, and home, if you were only allowed to scrub toilets or pick crops, or clean houses for well below minimum wage? More than likely.

-Time becomes blurry and the television in front of you begins moving backwards and forwards with ease, refusing to accept the bounds of chronology. Your friend laughs and announces he has DVR and you worry at this technology, planning in your head what to do when this D-V-R begins attacking humans to control our minds and possibly take away our free shipping with purchases of 25 dollars or more.

-Then it happens...24 comes on the television. "I thought we were watching SWAT." "We were, but now it's 24"...."But where's Colin Farrell?"..."He's not in this."..."Well if this is 24, then where is Wayne Palmer? Or Curtis? Or Chase?"........."......"........

-You watch as Jack Bauer sneaks up from the bowels of the plane and ponder two things: 1) your own bowels 2) How come minutes before Jack was disguised as a baggage guy and was able to sneak onto the plane, but now he's being taken for a passenger. And where did he get a hoodie like that because you want one. Can you be homeless and emo at the same time? Or is being homeless the ultimate emo?

-You wonder why the bad guys didn't wait another year or two so that they set the terrorist plan into action with a president in office who was even mildly capable of generating respect. Is there a single person around him who believes that the laws of the USA are still in effect when it comes to protocol? Mike, the VP, Aaron, Prez's wife, Elisha Cuthbert, and AC Slater have all treated the President with less respect than a three year old can of generic brand wax beans (yeah, not even the "good kind" of wax beans). If they had done this with a legit president, people might actually stay out of his way when he says stay out of my way.

-You wonder why when Jack comes out of the baggage area of the plane after controlling the movement of the plane with the wires, he then sticks the air marshall into the baggage area with the random guy who saw how Jack used the wires to control the movement of the plane. You then wonder why the hell the air marshall hasn't started using the damn wires yet to manipulate the movement of the plane to get out of the GODDAMN BAGGAGE AREA OF THE PLANE! YOU THEN WONDER WHY THE HELL A PLANE IS CONTROLLED BY A FAIRLY EASILY ACCESSIBLE BUNCH OF WIRES ACCESSIBLE FROM THE BAGGAGE AREA WHERE THEY STORE DOGS, CATS, and YES, SNAAAAKES!

-Why are there 2 people on this one commercial flight with fairly strong connections to Chris Henderson?? This leads you to think maybe he's one of those people with a "salesman" persona who meets a lot of people (The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell). You then start playing Six Degrees of Chris Henderson....and end at Harry (of "and the Hendersons").

-You wonder if that Bluetooth guy really is the guy from the phone commercial and if so, you can't wait for him to square off with Jack in a Verizon vs. Other Company duel. You already get all excited everytime someone starts yelling on the phone to see if the provider DROPS THE CALL and to see if the person would then DROP THE PROVIDER!...Apparently you watch a lot of tv for a homeless guy.

-You see that the co-pilot was the celebrity mole and that he was the one with the recorder. You then wonder why he stored it in his front shirt pocket, when that is the ONLY place he could have stored it where people would look at him funny and wonder "What is that in your shirt pocket where NOBODY stores things EVER?". Why would you do that??

-You wonder what ever happened to "The Mole" and "Celebrity The Mole" and then wonder if Woody Allen's "Celebrity" movie is on demand, so you start scrolling through the digital cable when you remember that 24 is on and--

---The Bald Eagle (new supervillain name) tells Droops that he has to blow up the plane or else he will be accused of treason. You think there's no way they can blow up a diplomatic passenger flight middair with everyone around the president knowing what's going on and it would be ridiculous to even consider it, and then you think what will Jack do to stop it and what did Wesley Snipes do in Passenger 54 and the answer was "Always bet on black" which turned out not to be true at all when you went to Foxwoods and lost a lot of money on black and that gets you thinking about how you're currently between homes and how maybe that five dollars in your pocket could become 500 if you could only hop a bus to Muckleshoot Casino and bet it all on red just like Jack Bauer would except for one time every five hours or so in honor of Wayne Palmer, Curtis, and yes, David Palmer, who is still keeping it real over on The Unit where he routinely dispenses the smack down while you sit comfortably in the place that used...to be...your home.

Keep It Jack,
Witz