Friday, March 03, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 4PM and 5PM Exactly 39 Years, 2 Months, and 6 Days Since God Turned the Reins Over to Jack Bauer

Holy crap! That means that Jack Bauer/K-Suth's birthday is the same as "JGeto-ver it!" Maybe this is just another piece of the ever-less interesting mystery of "24" season five. The only way to find out is to watch and summarize, so here comes the fun faster than you can say, "The East Coast broadcast went out three hours earlier and my mom called me specifically to tell me the tragic news that Kim Bauer will be back next week!" More on that later.

Alright, i'm feeling good about this episode because a dude that kinda looks like Gary Oleman is involved. Why isn't HE in charge? Mike points out where the most likely point of attack is on the Russian's limo adding, "If an attack were to occur..." followed by President Droopy Dog stating confidently, "It's going to happen Mike. We gave the terrorists their route." Good. So he CAN be confident. But only when recapping for the television audience or stating facts about his own failure. This is followed by Mike telling Droops that his wife got into the limo. For a guy who was ready to send his wife to the crazy house earlier in the day, the president takes this really badly. The best is yet to come, however, as Mike asks if he should alert the security team. Droopy is so confused by his lack of options and the tight spot he's in, that he has a physical and mental breakdown for us, proving that maybe JKow is right and the man deserves an emmy. Saying, "Yes, no, wait" and then balling up into the fetal position, I have to imagine, like the rest of us, Mike started slapping his arm to his chest and making a "Mehhh" sound.(It looked a lot like
  • this

  • Even Corky from Life Goes On is laughing at Droopy on this one. Rain Man is better on the fly.

    "Where are they?" "They're still on the 118." Man, product placement is outta control.

    Am I the only one who thinks that it doesn't matter if Martha tells the Subarov's the truth about the attack? If Martha is forced out of the vehicle, and she tells the two people who are about to die what's up, and they don't have any way of telling anyone else, who cares? You know, it's like that tree falling in the forest, or Steve Guttenberg standup.

    Aubdrey, Chloe, and Edgah (back in action) all get down in the mystery activity room and find out that Chris Henderson (of Harry and the Henderson's) could be a bad guy at Omacron. This proves that "24" is actually stealing the plot from Metal Gear Solid 2. Jack took down Henderson in CTU and now he's gonna have to do it again all because they refuse to strap a cannon on Chase's arm so he can fight for justice.

    "What am I missing, Mike!? There's gotta be something i'm not seeing!" says President Logan, making a charge for most ironic statement of the season. "All I can see is the terrorists are gonna bomb the limo, a spleen, and some intestines!" to which Mike replied, "Ah, that's because your head is up your ass, sir."

    Astin Martin fires a new hot techie named Carrie that none of us had any idea existed. It's like killing the black guy in an action or horrow movie. Still, Astin Martin's driving off the road. This leads to the best line in "24" history, usurping anything President Droopy might have said, even moments ago. Sean Astin Martin Lynne informs Aubdrey that, "We're leading a REAL-TIME investigation here." REAL TIME! WOW! I'm not sure you have to remind people operating in the real-world that real-time is in effect, but at least 24 is completely content to rest on its laurels. "Look, man, our television show is in real-time, so why don't you go ahead and shut on up and enjoy the show. If you don't like it, go ahead, be our guest, flip on Deal or No Deal. No? Two and A Half Men? Smallville? See? You need us. Our show is in REAL TIME."

    Jack's thumbs lie better than Richard Nixon. He gets into Omacron with a fake ID, buys himself a drink, and then heads straight to Chris Henderson's office where he...GETS...TAZERED? Wha' happened? "Just for the record, I never thought you were dead."(Henderson says)...alright. Thanks. Jack follows Henderson (who looks a lot like Bill Buchanan..TWIST?) to some info bunker, apparently trusting him. "He's gotta be bad. Jack's never wrong about bad guys," says 24 Blogger Gal.

    Ohhh boy, another "I don't believe your crazy theory" plotline ensues with Astin Martin not believing Chloe, Curtis, Aubdrey or Edgah that there might be a threat on the limo which is awesome, because the main reason I watch tv is to get angry and raise my stress and blood pressure levels. "24" viewing would not bode well for The Hulk. Luckily, moments later (i could tell you exactly how many moments later because it's in real time, but I'm gonna leave that little bit of allure alive) Astin Martin presses down on his crazy accelerator, tells Aubdrey to shut up (scoring points in my book), and tries to arrest Edgah, Chloe, Aubrey, and Curtis. Unfortunately, he comes off as a little insane to the CTU Security Guards (shouting, "if he does that, shoot him" referring to Curtis couldn't have helped), and Curtis takes control of the situation. It was exactly like that scene in Gladiator when the Emperor shouts, "sword" to his legion around him, but they all just stand there and let Russell Crowe get all Romper Stomper on his ass (If this makes any of you want to watch a Russel Crowe movie, throw on TNT because The Quick and the Dead is ALWAYS ON TNT). It's also like that same scene in The Last Castle when James Gandolfini takes on Robert Redford and I almost cried Robert Redford Man Tears. Curtis reinstates everyone including Carrie, the random new cute techie. Maybe now they won't need Elisha Cuthbert. I think this episode was written specifically for black history month what with the Giant Black Dude thwarts Uppity Tiny White Guy plotline.

    CTU alerts the motorcade about the attack and shows President Droopy's face which reads very clearly, "I can't do anything right, even when i'm trying to fail, I fail at it." The motorcade is still blowededed up and in trouble until Aaron wakes up from being unconscious (scary few minutes when I thought Aaron was dead which woulda been jumping the shark in my mind), pops out of the door, and shoots EVERYBODY! It's about time Aaron got his sweet action scene. Aaron should run for President...or maybe he'd be better off running for vice-president on the same ticket as a rag on a stick since that's what America seemed to want.

    Finally, back to Jack and Henderson in something which looks nothing like a bunker. Henderson complains about getting kicked out of CTU and says that he was framed. "By who" Jack says. "Nina Myers, George Mason...who knows" Henderson replies. I gotta say, he threw out a coupla zingers, I mean, those are some good guesses and even Jack knows it. "Jack was wrong about Nina Myers" says 24 Blogger Gal. Minutes later, Henderson scoots outta the room and leaves Jack alone with a bomb in a suitcase. This begs the question, does Henderson just have a bomb in a suitcase ready to go? And does he have multiple suitcases or does he have to make a new one each time one of them blows up? Are they cheaper in bulk? Locked in the room without a phone Jack quips, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by, "If only I'd had my Verizon Cell Phone Service the signals Henderson was sending out would have been so much clearer. Plus, with their extended network, I could have called for help, even in this tiny bunker." Henderson's bomb plan still fails because Jack's a champ and uses the bomb to escape, but still, was Jack right or wrong about Henderson? Before I can answer this question, my mind is shattered by the previews for next week's 2 hour (finally) show.

    I was warned, but I still can't believe it when I see Kim Bauer making the Kim Bauer face again. Maybe they'll kill her off. That's all I can hope, and on a brighter note, Tony appears to be up and at them again, because comas can't last forever (or more than 8 hours). Remember that Michelle's dead? Yeah, me either. We have a whole week to bitch about The Kimpossible Dream coming back. Until then,

    Keep It Jack,


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