Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Following Ought to Take Place: A 24 Transcript

The following transcript was taken from a future roundtable discussion featuring Jack Bauer/Kiefer Sutherland, Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Curtis, The Ghost of David Palmer, President Droopy Dog, Mike Novick, Aaron the Security Guard, and Charlie Sheen. The conversation is moderated by Mariners Designated Hitter: Carl Everett.

Carl: Aight, thank ya'all for comin'. Let's get right to it, 'cause I'm not one to beat around the bush. Jack Bauer, what would you say to those who claim that "24" itself, is a hoax perpetrated by terrorists to undermine our country's security?

JB: I'm not sure I understand the question. Who believes that--

Carl: --Me, for starters.

JB: Well, that's absurd, it's a television program--

Carl: --exactly. It's already fraudulent.

Bill Buchanan: Let me step in here, Jack, you see Carl, 24 is simply a show designed to entertain and occasionally to educate on homeland security procedures. I don't see any basis for--

Carl: --Any basis? Alright Bill, I didn't want to have to do this, but I will. The basis of your entire show is false. "24" meaning "24" hours simply don't exist.

Chloe: What is he talking about? Ugh.

President Droopy: Now, now, I think he might be onto something.

Mike Novick: ::glares sternly::

Carl: Time doesn't exist. It's that simple. God gave us the sun and whudda we do? We measure it? We ENSLAVE the sun. Does that remind you of anything else?

Chloe: Slavery, of course. Ew.

Bill: Slavery.

President Droopy: (whispers, awed) indentured servitude...

Carl: EXACTLY! Indentured servitude. 24 cannot exist because time don't exist. Do you see minutes? Can you fill my cupboard with hours? When's the last time calendar companies have filed bankruptcy? Exactly. Time itself is a scam cooked up by the military-industrial complex to destroy God.


President Droopy (to Mike): Is that true? Did you know that?

Mike: ::glowers at president::

Ghost of David Palmer: Who voted for you?

President Droopy: Why, I-- my wife, for one.

Palmer: Wasn't she clinically insane?

President Droopy: She was a lot of things.

Palmer: Mike, wouldn't you rather be by my side in the afterlife, or in The Unit? We could use a good unathletic skeazy type.

Mike: I thought you'd never ask.

Carl: HEY! Who's runnin' this discussion? Me. Now, Charlie Sheen, you aren't in the show...why are you here?

Charlie Sheen: Hello Carl, and thank you for asking. The fact that I'm not in 24 I see as an oversight by the directors. Given my previous acting experience, my rollercoaster likeability, and my classic Sheen jawline, I basically have already been on the show, and it's only a matter of time before I arrive there again.

Chloe: Two and A Half Men sucks.

Bill: Chloe, please!

Chloe: Your viewers are the people who elected President Logan.

Bill: President Logan, i'm very sorry she--

President Logan: Hm? No, no, she's quite right.

Jack: We're running out of time! Carl, the next question!

Carl: What?


Carl: Why?

Jack: I'll explain later, right now I need you to move forward with the discussion as though nothing has happened, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Carl: I--


Carl: President Logan, in the most recent episode, you almost had to commit suicide, but were saved at the last minute. Can you discuss your emotions for us?

President Logan: Well, Carl, that was actually an improvisation I made at the last minute. Originally, I was just supposed to weep like a little girl, but I had been thinking about it before the take and thought, "yeah, this guy would off himself." I hesitated slightly before taking out the gun, however, because I wasn't sure if Logan would be able to actually shoot himself or not-- I mean physically. There was a good chance you would end up missing and shooting only part of himself, or possibly someone in another room, or the Russian President.

Mike Novick: ::laughs:: I was totally thinking the same thing.

Aaron: Quick question for Jack. Where'd you get that satchel and hoodie? They look fantastic!

Jack: Ha, thanks for noticing Aaron, I've been waiting for someone to ask. The satchel, which is actually listed as a "male side-carry purse" ran me just under a hundred bucks at Banana Republic and the hoodie cost just a little more at J.Crew. It was pre-worn, so that accounts for the extra expense, as I didn't have to break it in myself. Though I could have. I can break in anything, human or otherwise.

Bill: We know Jack, we know.

Carl: (pause) Mr. Buchanan, also in this recent week's episode, you were quoted as saying, "They are scrambling the jets from Fort McGoo" that the stupidest sounding line you've ever had to deliver with a straight face, or were there others?

Bill: No no, that was the goofiest line ever, although in season one they originally gave Nina a husband named Oscar and I was signed on as an extra. I was supposed to walk over to Jack Bauer's desk with a hot dog and say, "I have a hot dog for an Oscar Myers? This is Oscar Myers' hot dog." And then Jack was supposed to shoot me in the face luckily the scene was cut, and I was later signed as as Bill Buchanan.

Carl: About that. What would you say to the rumors that you are in fact Terry from Survivor?

Bill: Clearly, I'm not.

Jack: How can we be sure?

Bill: What?

Jack: Nothing. Nevermind. That was weird.

Carl: Mike Novick, here's one for ya. You are a man of many scowls. How do you go about preparing your role every week?

Mike Novick: Well Carl, many people think I can just go out there and wrinkle my brow on command, but it's not that easy. The level of skeaze I emit is off the charts. Look at any previous skeaze-ball actor and you'll find they might have the face for it, but they don't have the inspiration behind it. I look at Mike as a New York City face model. With that in mind, every camera shot is a chance to show my newest look. I have scowl, dreary, glare, glower, haha, of course there's confused-glower and shocked-scowl-smirk. But lately i've really been going with "WTFmate-superglare-wrinkle-brow-uber-squint. It's been doing wonders for my skeaze ranking.

Charlie Sheen: Hey, you guys ever see Zoolander?

Jack: No.

Bill: No.

Mike: No.

Aaron the Security Guy: Haha, yeah, I love that movie.

Charlie: I coulda been in that.

Chloe: No, you couldn't have! You don't know how much work goofball comedy takes. Take Dude's Where My Car for example. I had to wear bubble wrap. Have you ever had to wear bubble wrap?

Charlie: I never HAD to...

Carl: Don't get me started on bubble wrap.

Jack: Wasn't Curtis supposed to be here?

Curtis: I AM here.

Jack: Oh. Hi, sorry, I didn't hear from you in a while.

Curtis: Typical.

Aaron: Awkwaaard.

Palmer: I have a question for Jack. How do you see 24 continuing for three more seasons. Follow-up question: When it doesn't, will you quit being a little bitch and join The Unit?

Jack: Well, I see it continuing for 40 million more seasons, if you know what I mean. But seriously, I think there's far more of the 24 universe to explore than people think. We haven't even breached the subject of international healthcare conspiracy for instance, and immigrant worker terrorism is long overdue...and topical. And how about Where's the Beef? Cuz I don't know yet, do you? Plus, Jack still hasnt' found his one true love-- uhp-- spoiler alert!-- Aubdrey's great, but do we really see her sticking around for another season? Let's be honest, there are many more women Jack needs to live with platonically before he can settle down with just one.

Carl: You hit that?

Jack: I hit all sorts of things Carl.

Carl: No, I mean HIT that?

Jack: Oh. Yeah, I tortured her...and her husband actually, nice guy, tough name to pronounce...

President Logan: Hey, lemme ask YOU guys a do you get your cell phone to vibrate without ringing?

Jack, Chloe, Bill, Aaron, Mike, Palmer: Manner mode.

Edgah: Juthst' preth tha atharithk key.

Chloe: Edgar??

Bill: No, sorry, that was me. I was just doing my Edgar impression. ::giggles:: Sorry, ahem..that was wrong.

Carl: Well, that concludes this discussion. We hope to have more in the future, but thanks for being with us. This is Carl Everett saying black people are a myth propagated by the media.

Chloe: But you are--

Carl: Goodnight.


Blogger Brodie said...


6:29 PM  
Blogger JKow said...

Wait... that music! My gawd, my gawd! Here comes Sean Connery!

8:44 PM  
Blogger JKow said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:47 PM  
Blogger JKow said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:47 PM  
Anonymous puffteddy said...

OK....I was watching Mr. Baseball (it was the best thing on at 3 AM) and who was playing a pre-Cerrano role? Yup, our favorite dead-ex-president, David "I can't hit a curve ball or dodge a bullet, but the Secretary of Defense can survive a plung off a 150 foot cliff into the ocean" Palmer. He could actually hit the curveball in Mr. Baseball though. Do they have an insurance policy for the curveball? If so, can Wily Mo get some of that?

4:06 AM  
Blogger JKow said...

Speaking of WMP and insurance, is there any chance that teh big guy could get All-State to reimburse him an "l" for his first name?

5:43 AM  
Anonymous notyourmomula said...

I had no idea Carl Everett was so ... erudite.

There's a security guard at my office building who looks JUST LIKE Mike Novick, squints & all! What does this mean??

6:44 AM  
Blogger WitzPickz said...

It means that Mike Novick isn't coming back for next season of 24...

9:05 AM  
Blogger WitzPickz said...

JKow-- As of yet, watching Wily Mo play, i've yet to find any WMP's (Weapons of Mass Pena). Ya gotta think Francona is kicking himself for that one everytime Lenny DiNardo comes out to pitch and Arroyo lays down 8 scoreless innings over in Cinnci.

9:07 AM  
Blogger JKow said...

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: why did that trade occur? Is Theo's memory so short that he forgot that 'Pitching wins championships?' Hello, 05 white sox, 04 red sox, 03 marlins, 02 angels, 01 diamond backs... Gah! btw, somethings wrong when the biggest guy on the field is playing center.

side note: the word "brilliant" is an understated description of your round table discussion post.

4:22 PM  

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