Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Zen and the Art of Being Homeless While Watching 24

So i'm literally between homes right now-- actually not literally, I don't just wander aimlessly in geographic regions between large domestic spaces-- look, i'm not HOMELESS is what i'm trying to say. I'm just home-less. Without home. Between A and B where A and B represent places where I can take a crap and not worry about the repercussions. You understand. ANYWAY:

24 Blogger's Gal and I found ourselves in the home of a friend, watching 24 on a different television for the first time this season. Here are some things which happen in your life on the day when you watch 24 while being home-less.

-You wander around after work, musing at the irony of FINALLY having a fulltime job, but now having NO FREAKING HOME! You then wander into The Quarter Lounge where you grab a few beers while watching the Sox/Yankees game, and start to truly feel the vagabond as Doug Mirabelli comes to the plate when you had previously assumed him still on San Diego. Is the past mixing with the present in your suddenly malnourished, pants-optional world? Should you not have eaten the buffalo snacker even though it was only a dollar? The old man full of whiskey next to you asks for milk, is rejeceted, but immediately accepts an 8 oz glass of half-and-half in its place and proceeds to pound (and i mean POUND) TWO FULL GLASSES. All is not well.

-When your friend gets home from work, you make it over to his apartment and begin almost immediately to make tacos. Despite your speed and focus, it takes nearly TWO HOURS to make the tacos, but when they're done, they taste so delicious you would think you haven't eaten in weeks-- Have You?

-Thousands of hispanic immigrants march by. Illegal immigrants might be taking your job. Is this your concern? Would you have a job, and family, and home, if you were only allowed to scrub toilets or pick crops, or clean houses for well below minimum wage? More than likely.

-Time becomes blurry and the television in front of you begins moving backwards and forwards with ease, refusing to accept the bounds of chronology. Your friend laughs and announces he has DVR and you worry at this technology, planning in your head what to do when this D-V-R begins attacking humans to control our minds and possibly take away our free shipping with purchases of 25 dollars or more.

-Then it happens...24 comes on the television. "I thought we were watching SWAT." "We were, but now it's 24"...."But where's Colin Farrell?"..."He's not in this."..."Well if this is 24, then where is Wayne Palmer? Or Curtis? Or Chase?"........."......"........

-You watch as Jack Bauer sneaks up from the bowels of the plane and ponder two things: 1) your own bowels 2) How come minutes before Jack was disguised as a baggage guy and was able to sneak onto the plane, but now he's being taken for a passenger. And where did he get a hoodie like that because you want one. Can you be homeless and emo at the same time? Or is being homeless the ultimate emo?

-You wonder why the bad guys didn't wait another year or two so that they set the terrorist plan into action with a president in office who was even mildly capable of generating respect. Is there a single person around him who believes that the laws of the USA are still in effect when it comes to protocol? Mike, the VP, Aaron, Prez's wife, Elisha Cuthbert, and AC Slater have all treated the President with less respect than a three year old can of generic brand wax beans (yeah, not even the "good kind" of wax beans). If they had done this with a legit president, people might actually stay out of his way when he says stay out of my way.

-You wonder why when Jack comes out of the baggage area of the plane after controlling the movement of the plane with the wires, he then sticks the air marshall into the baggage area with the random guy who saw how Jack used the wires to control the movement of the plane. You then wonder why the hell the air marshall hasn't started using the damn wires yet to manipulate the movement of the plane to get out of the GODDAMN BAGGAGE AREA OF THE PLANE! YOU THEN WONDER WHY THE HELL A PLANE IS CONTROLLED BY A FAIRLY EASILY ACCESSIBLE BUNCH OF WIRES ACCESSIBLE FROM THE BAGGAGE AREA WHERE THEY STORE DOGS, CATS, and YES, SNAAAAKES!

-Why are there 2 people on this one commercial flight with fairly strong connections to Chris Henderson?? This leads you to think maybe he's one of those people with a "salesman" persona who meets a lot of people (The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell). You then start playing Six Degrees of Chris Henderson....and end at Harry (of "and the Hendersons").

-You wonder if that Bluetooth guy really is the guy from the phone commercial and if so, you can't wait for him to square off with Jack in a Verizon vs. Other Company duel. You already get all excited everytime someone starts yelling on the phone to see if the provider DROPS THE CALL and to see if the person would then DROP THE PROVIDER!...Apparently you watch a lot of tv for a homeless guy.

-You see that the co-pilot was the celebrity mole and that he was the one with the recorder. You then wonder why he stored it in his front shirt pocket, when that is the ONLY place he could have stored it where people would look at him funny and wonder "What is that in your shirt pocket where NOBODY stores things EVER?". Why would you do that??

-You wonder what ever happened to "The Mole" and "Celebrity The Mole" and then wonder if Woody Allen's "Celebrity" movie is on demand, so you start scrolling through the digital cable when you remember that 24 is on and--

---The Bald Eagle (new supervillain name) tells Droops that he has to blow up the plane or else he will be accused of treason. You think there's no way they can blow up a diplomatic passenger flight middair with everyone around the president knowing what's going on and it would be ridiculous to even consider it, and then you think what will Jack do to stop it and what did Wesley Snipes do in Passenger 54 and the answer was "Always bet on black" which turned out not to be true at all when you went to Foxwoods and lost a lot of money on black and that gets you thinking about how you're currently between homes and how maybe that five dollars in your pocket could become 500 if you could only hop a bus to Muckleshoot Casino and bet it all on red just like Jack Bauer would except for one time every five hours or so in honor of Wayne Palmer, Curtis, and yes, David Palmer, who is still keeping it real over on The Unit where he routinely dispenses the smack down while you sit comfortably in the place that used...to be...your home.

Keep It Jack,


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