Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 5AM and 7AM While Curtis, Wayne Palmer and Kim Bauer fired their agents: A Live Diary of The 24 Finale

I knew the only way to capture the final two hours of 24 was to fully harness the spur of the moment emotions running through me, and what better way to finish off a season of Bill Simmons inspired commentary than to copy for the 2nd or 3rd time, a Bill Simmons live journal entry format. So here it is: my live reactions to the final two hours of a season that should never have happened. And it doesn't begin until.....

8:08 – The first “we’re running out of time” in weeks. I swore I wouldn’t kick this off until a Jack Bauer moment and we finally had one. Boo Yah.

8:10: “Are you right handed or left handed?” Jack asks engineer guy. “Right.” he replies. “Kill him with your left hand, it will feel like somebody else is doing it,” Jack tells him, and laughs like a middle-schooler. I gotta say, the army much be cringing when he says "I wasn't trained to do that." That's silly though, we all know The Army watches The Unit and Big Love.

8:12: "Cut him deep, and cut him fast." Jack is back on board, baby. Where was this alllll season?

8:13: 24 the video game begins. “You have less than 7 minutes before missile launch,” Chloe informs us. It takes Russian subs 7 minutes to fire their missiles? No wonder they’re eating there own army instead of ruling Eurasia like they ought to. By the way, how over-hyped was "Eurasia" in elementary school? Total over-promotion.

8:16 Where’d agent McCullough come from? …This is gonna be sweet. YEP! Complete with “Badass Moment of the Season”: saying “we’re all clear, before the Knifed-in-Throat-Terrorist was dead.

8:18 Agent McCullough’s dead. He lasted like…two minutes….

8:20 Jack just killed Greg Giraldi that was always on The Colin Quinn Show via ridiculous pipe steam death and then went all Bloodsport on Berzerko. Cool beans.

8:21 Jack gets all “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,“ on Henderson’s ass and guns him down In Cold Blood (Capote was overrated). INCONCEIVABLE! I give the first 20 minute segment of the finale an 8 out of 10—which is higher than I’ve given the last 8 episodes.

8:23 – Wait, is Spoon making a push for a merchandise comeback with this cell phone commercial??? What can I say, Molly was a sweet song.

8:24 – I’m still hyped up for X3, but all these commercials have taken away the edge. I wish they hadn’t moved past, “start commercial, ::whisper:: X-Men: The Last Stand, end commercial.” That’s how to keep a movie special.

8:25 – Uhhh, Jack didn’t show ANY ID and he just got all the officers’ guns holstered AND got a vehicle. “And I’m supposed to be happy cuz he’s wearing a backpack (see satchel).” No wonder Jack’s had 5 reallllly bad days, if you talk firmly and directly to special forces, they will react like a dog and do whatever you want. Incidentally, I want season six to be “the sixth worst day in Jack Bauer’s life” and just have a normal shit day…you know, debit card doesn’t work, no dress socks to wear, can’t find his gun, looks a little balder than usual, has his soft taco spill out onto his shirt…. Just a shit day.

8:31 – Mike The Skeaze Novick versus Toby Ziegler: FIGHT!

8:32 – “It’s probably better if we don’t have any contact” – Aaron. Wait for it.

8:32 – 3
8:32 – 2
8:32 – 1
8:33 – CONTACT. Ha! Aaron LOVES the crazy booty.

8:36 – 1 in 5 children get sexually predatored online…what they don’t tell you is that 1 in 5 Predators get sexually harassed by Aliens on Yahoo! Messenger.

8:40 – 24 lost its shit on camera and created Chloe’s ex-husband “Morris.” Lucky for 24 he’s bald, british, and sporting an exhorbitant amount of chest hair. Do I smell spinoff…or is that just Morris’ Italian aftershave? The second 20 minutes of the finale gets a 2 out of 10.

8:42 – Somewhere, someone in this world is cueing up Wayne Palmer’s music.

8:46 – For those of you who are wondering, over in the “NeXt” Van, the narrator refers to the “4 hard-bodies in the van” despite the fact that one of them is, clearly, a fattie.

8:52 – President Droopy kisses like he’s in Cool World. Priceless shot, though, of the Droopster getting his shirt unbuttoned and giving Martha the “Everything’s comin up Droopy!” smile. And why not? The man’s on a roll.

8:54 – End of the first hour by my clock. I give the last twenty minutes a 3 out of 10. For those of you keeping score at home, Morris has had more screentime than Curtis so far this finale. I predict a “Bare-Chest Showdown” in the final hour. Also, Morris will end up being part of a giant Jewish Liberal Media Conspiracy that will spiral into a movie.


The following took place between 6 am and 7 am:

8:59 – Jack watches Silverhawks and eats Lucky Charms.

9:00 – Jack ditches his satchel and hoodie for a flight suit! NO! How could he ditch his emo-gear after this long???

9:02 – Jack puts on Dark Helmet's helmet from Spaceballs and gets into the chopper.

9:04 – If I were the President, or terrorists, or drug-dealers, at this point in life, I would just run a routine “Jack Bauer search” before boarding any vehicle or running any operation.

COME ON TORTURE SCENE! COME OOOOOOOON! Jack should perform all the “urban legends” on him. First make him drink coke and eat pop rocks, then stab him with an AIDS needle at a concert, and then—oh shit, Jack just went all Private Pyle on Droopster!

9:11 – Haha, I love Morris. Hi chest hair screams “Ocean’s 13.” Why didn’t they drop him on us earlier? Oh yeah, and for those of you keeping score at home, that’s Morris 3, Curtis 0. Apparently, Wesley Snipes was wrong, you should never bet on black. Curtis has had more screen time on the tv guide channel this season than he has on 24.

9:15 – HOLY STANDOFF! Ron Livingston and a Bones look-a-like are in a new show together about negotiators! Of course, that’s balanced by Gina Torres being in the show, but WHO CARES?? Ron Livingston is back on a weekly basis!

9:20 – Satchel-less and hoodie-less, Jack is still sooo emo right now. WHERE THE EFF IS THE TORTURE! TORTURE IS PROOF THAT YOU WILL KILL! TORTURE HIM! AAAAAGH, THE WRITERS HAVE TORTURED US THIS SEASON MORE THAN JACK HAS TORTURED ANYONE! AT THE VERY LEAST HE COULD HAVE KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS! THAT’S A MORAL VICTORY! Where’d Wayne Palmer’s music go? What happened to Curtis? I miss Morris! How can Prison Break have a third season??? Were the writers like, “we need the main character to be someone who’s pretty good at breaking out of prison…but not THAT good.”

9:23 – alright, I’m calmer now. So here’s a question: If the pres wants Jack Bauer gone so badly, why not just turn him over to THE FREAKING CHINESE?

9:30 – Ew, Droopy just said, “making love.”

9:35 – Wow, Walt must have made quite the splash with the critics, huh? Gotta say, I didn’t see “Vanished” cummings. Does this mean that “Empathetic and helpful banker guy” is gonna get a show as an off the wall trial lawyer or something?

9:38 – If a Wayne Palmer comes out and sees his shadow— it means six more weeks of no Wayne Palmer.

9:40 – Am I crazy or is the 24 music sounding exactly like the end of the X-Men theme song right now? I hope Droopy’s trial takes place on Boston Legal, full of quips and what not.

9:44 – Has anyone cared less about a love story plot than with Jack and Aubdrey? Why not just drop that? Oh my god, Jack just fell for the “Your estranged daughter called for you on that un-listed phone in that brokedown-ass shack” trick.

9:55 – THE CHINESE! That move is officially the writers acknowledging that this season was WORTHLESS and they have to get back on track to a plotline that had some semblance of entertaining television. Having said that, this finale was total crap. The conclusion was known weeks ago, and when it’s here, they didn’t even do anything to surprise us! Ok, the wife helped…crazy, what clever television. I was more surprised by the Walt Cummings spinoff and more excited by the Standoff preview. The only consolation is that next season they'll pick up where they left off last season, thereby negating all of this season. Does this mean Jack is gonna be in Shanghai for his next 24 hours? Goodbye ALL OF THE CHARACTERS THUS FAR. Maybe 24 needs a fresh start, though, but I can't say I'll necessarily be there watching it. Until my final post, I gotta go ahead and say,

Keep It Jack,



Blogger A Money said...

cutting curtis out of the finale was a fitting end to a piss poor season. maybe next season will take place in bizzaro 24 land (also known as china), where the palmers and curtis will tour the country dominating baksetball teams of chinese guys in games of 3 against 5 (Jack can't play, because he is getting water dripped on his forehead all day).

god this season sucked.

9:34 PM  

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