Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 9PM and 10PM on the show formerly known as 24. A.K.A. Keep Your Blog To Yourself In the Workplace

Ok, ya know what? I've heard a lot of talk this week about how terrible "24" has gotten and how nus all the women are in the show, but it's got to stop here. Don't get me wrong. I agree whole heartedly. "24" has hit bottom and is currently lying in an alley sipping a forty with Fred Savage and the former dancers for New Kids On the Block. The writers have lost their minds as well as the ability to play with my emotions (and if I were their parent they would lose their priveleges to play video games and watch Everybody Loves Raymond during dinner). But you know what? NONE OF THAT MATTERS! Because 24 took itself to a place I never thought they'd go this week: ANTI-SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.

Two words: Sherry Roethlisberg. As if to make up for Hot Carrie's quick entrance/exit, "24" has given us Sherry to replace Edgah. Sherry is best described as follows: You know that chick from Sliders and Numb3rs? You know how she's cute, but whenever you looked at her there was just somethin' sliiiightly off about her that didn't put her over the top? Sherry is that girl version 2.0 with the somethin' dead on. She's also from Cal-Tech and has accused Homeland Skeaz-urity Agent of sexual harassment. She's the perfect storm.

Before we get to the amazing moment at the end of the show, we have to wade through the first forty minutes. Soon after Aubdrey is taken into custody, Jack rushes in the room, and makes like Wayne Palmer (chokes a bitch). Without any needles, guns, lamps or batteries, Jack gives her the Larry David "stare down to see if someone's telling the truth" look and proclaims her innocent. This is proof that Jack Bauer has lost his edge. Next time he runs into terrorists, he's more likely to pull out the Care Bear Stare than dual hand guns. Next, Jack tries to fight off some CTU security in order to keep Aubdrey from further torture. To me, this is a perfect example of how important intangibles such as motivation and determination affect an athlete or, in his case, Killing Machine. Ordinarily, Jack could takeout three terrorists no problem. Not even an issue, just one, two, three, and then hitup a KFC for a snacker or two. But when he faces off against these three CTU agents, he rattles off one choke slam before getting tangled and tazered. So what happened? Easy. Jack doesn't give a crap about Aubdrey or the show this season. It was a good faith action, taken only so he could count on Aubdrey down the stretch and keep his audience happy. If Jack Bauer played his heart out every year, he'd easily surpass Hank Aaron's home run record...or something like that.

Sexual Harassment update: Home-landsecurity-star Runner confronts Chloe about the alleged sexual harassment case and I make the joke, "How funny would it be if it's all crap and 24 takes a sexual harassment suits are bullshit stance?"...foreshadowing..I learned about this in school.

The terrorists now take over a gas distribution plant, killing everyone in their way and convincing some dude to help them set off the nerve gas. Here's the PSA the govt needs to have on tv and radio right now: Andy Dick, a cast member from ER, and that chick from Just Shoot Me saying - "If terrorists currently running rampant through your city resulting in a curfew come upon you, shooting your friends and asking for you to do whatever it is they want you to do, don't do it, because they're just going to kill you as soon as you've given them what you"

Aaron and Wayne Palmer find each other in the woods and buddy up. Were there multiple objects in the air making it difficult to focus on any one? because 24 just dropped the ball. How do you not show us how Wayne got that gun (and throaty killer voice)? Instead they show us Jack and Abdrey making up, proving that somehow their relationship is more resilient than Nickelodeon Gak. Will somebody please show Jack the new girl Sherry, so he can move on? Sherry alerts Buchanan that most nerve toxins become inert under high pressure...JUST LIKE PRESIDENT DROOPY DOG! I'm still waiting for Aaron to confront him and say, "You were elected president??" and having him say, "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Ok, so the next five minutes of action sequence were ridiculous. Yes, I was happy for the action and yes, I know i've been asking for more action scenes, but they choreographed it EXACTLY like a video game. I felt like I was watching a screenshot from 24: The Game, and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time, I was totally rocking out to the soundtrack during this week's show, as it continues to rule. I want to go driving, wash dishes, and label mail at work to the 24: Season 5 soundtrack. There's a major shootout in the control room, but the gas is still released making me wonder why they didn't call in The Unit for this infiltration? I am convinced that a cross-over 24, The Unit, The West Wing, show would takeover television forever. It would be one constant television reality. All the CSI's and Law and Orders could be integrated as well, creating one single fictional television america, operating on a 24 hour a day integrated progression. And yes, it would always include the awesome Jack Bauer running away from explosions like T1000 shot, because that was awesome.

Anyway, Jack and Bezerko blow up towards each other, Bezerko pulls the fake knocked out gig which Jack apparently didn't learn from Tony about, and then stuff blows up while Jack and Bezerko make out in the back of the Bezerko's toyota. End of show. Oh, but wait, we seem to have skipped over a scene.

Just after Sherry uses her Cal-Tech chem knowledge to find the gas plant, Buchanan praises her good work and gives her a slight touch on the shoulder, leading to me already starting to laugh when she says it: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong. He shouldn't have done that."......BAMMM! BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! 24 just Shaq-Fu'd the television viewer audience. Laughter commenced, phone calls were made, and 24 made my night. 24 officially just took an anti-sexual harassment in the workplace stance and set back the women's movement eighty years. And ya know why they did it, I bet? Because we wouldn't see it coming. Bravo, "24", you got us again. And surprises are what makes television shows good, right? Right?

Just remember: Fact: "If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12"." Season Five is making me question if that is true anymore.

Keep It...Palmer,

PS. Funniest fact I've read recently: "The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music."


Blogger JKow said...

Ouch, what'd Fred Savage do to you, mano?

I wonder if one of the writers got played by a woman named Sherry/i. I mean, this is the SECOND psycho-bitch named Sherry/i on the show. Writer-guy, you need to relax. She's not going to call you back.

Are you STILL obsessed with the snacker?

Jack Bauer will not surpass Hank Aaron's record without taking human growth hormone, the cream, the clear, and all the other nasty crap Barry "Is Barry Bonds gonna have to choke a mistress?" Bonds has "allegedly" been taking.

Where did Wayne get that gun? That thing was sick. BTW: how did the terrorists not take Aaron and Wayne out? Surrounded from an elevated position... didn't anyone see the shower scene in The Rock???

I love that you used "Holiday Inn Express." Definitely a great and greatly underused phrase.

Beserko note: the guy is really selling terrorism as a career choice by wearing that tie. The tie is almost as entertaining as Jack's napsack bag thing. But not as cool as Jacks pulling up his hoody when went through the Syntox gas vents in CTU.

So, ah, is Sherry going to go all Section 112 Peaches and Cream on the Cannon now? Agh.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous notyourmomula said...

Monday, 4/3
6 a.m. - get up. try.
7:54 a.m. - drop off DAU @ KO. wo0t! REAL TIME ON TIME!
8:34 a.m. - arrive @ office, turn on computer. Check "24: The Post-College Years"? No, not yet. Get some work done.
12:33 p.m. - lunch via microwave ... read "24: The Post-College Years"! Hilarious!
uh-oh - C.O.S. (co-worker over shoulder) - minimize! minimize!!
:) You guys rock.
Every Monday I drop breathlessly onto the couch at 8:59 p.m. to watch The Show, fighting the impulse to grab a pen & notebook to take notes so that I can post a clever, in-the-know comment on your blog the next day, but I stop and picture my family eyeing me curiously.
HUS: "Making a grocery list, hon?"
DAU: "Whatcha doin', Mom?"
ME: "Uh ... taking notes ... on the show ... so that I can ... uh ..."

This is same conundrum that I face several times a week: my head cries out for dignity, but my soul wants JACK! TERRORISTS! NERVE GAS! EXPLOSIONS! KA-CHUNG KA-CHUNG KA-CHUNG!

So, for 26 minutes per week, I re-live the show through your blog. For this, I thank you.

keep it jack, & witz, & siri-ously,
notyourmomula, lurking

P.S. I agree the show is not up to previous seasons' standards, but it's still the most exciting thing on network TV.

10:41 AM  

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