Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 2:00PM and 3:00PM During the Opening Ceremony at the Terrorist Olympics, where yes, Murderball IS played

While next week's episode will officially kick off Happy Hour, there was plenty to be happy about this week. So throw on some socks and grab your Glocks, here comes some 24 summarization faster than you can say, "Don't move, there's a quail on your shoulder!"

Last week's episode ended with a bang, literally, as confusingly adept gun wielding/gun materializing out of nowhere sex slave girl shot and killed Rosler. "They're gonna call back any minute now and we haven't set a location!" Jack bellowed ending the hour in desperate suspense. Kicking off this week's show, Jack apparently thought up a clever scheme to bypass the entire problem: he decided to say "Yeah" in a really low, gruff voice. He then found out where the meeting point was from the terrorist, who we now know works for The WTW Organization-- The Worst Terrorists in the World. This spurns Jacks insightful statement, "I think we jut caught a break." Yeah, a huge one. Not only did you get the meeting place, but your enemy can now be categorized as borderline retarded.

Novick just can't lose the skeaze, can he? Mike No-wayamIlosingtheskeave-vick, decides that maybe a coverup can work, so he can "Go out with some dignity, you mean, not as a traitor," offers up President Droopy Dog. Wait, what? Am I wrong in thinking that maybe he oughtta go out as a traitor? Isn't that typically what happens when you're a traitor and shoot an ex-president/cultural icon and put the country in danger of massive (but not that massive) nerve gas attacks? If Saddam kills himself in jail are we gonna say "Let the man go out as the merciless dictator he was, not some sort of depressed prisoner followed by the release that, "Saddam was just tired and stressed out, but you know...not guilty..." This new plan of action quickly angers the President's wife who is told, "You can be the one to tell his wife that Walt disgraced himself, took the coward's way out and was a traitor to his country." WHERE THE HELL IS JED BARTLETT WHEN YOU NEED HIM? When Crazy-Like-A-Fox-Wife can't bring herself to tell Walt's wife, the coverup is in full-effect, all because nobody could bring themselves to tell the wife what happened? That's ridiculous! Isn't there an aide or something who can do it? Isn't action-oriented Aaron the security guard around to do something? Actually, where is Aaron? Moving on.

Meanwhile Jack gets jumped and thrown into a van while mumbling, "we're on the move," for the benefit of his Spy Tech earpiece. This somehow gets past the WTW as well as more clever lines like, "Oh my God, you have one of the cannisters with you" and "What's the target?" He asks where's he's going because he has another appointment that day that he wants to know if he's going to make. What other appointment would Rosler possibly have? "I need to bring my dog to get groomed at 4," or, "There's this mail order bride I need to pickup at the train station at 3."

Quick Note: Jack looks just as badass dressed as an air-conditioning repairman as I will ever look on my best day.

BONUS NOTE: Curtis is following in a black suburban. This means that he fits in more than most agents at CTU, but why not go the whole nine and give him a black escalade with spinners. NOBODY would question it.

The WTW decided to set off the nerve gas in what appears to be one of those fairly unpopular somewhat suburban one floor malls. "Vee vill set oof de nerve gas in ze Hot Topic." Astin Martin and The Cannon are both big on letting the gas go off in the mall so they keep their cover, so they call the one man in the world who won't be able to make a decision...The President. It's like the anti-Bat-phone. You call it and solutions get less clear, sometimes it just rings while the Pres sits by staring frightened at the phone. "Hi, we're not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, problem, and you're preferred solution, I'll get back to you with my best guess as soon as I can." Finally after trying to pawn off the decision to CTU and Mike, the pres decides to kill all the people buying Hawaiian shirts in Pacific Sun and far too delicious pretzels at Auntie Anne's. "They dip pretzels in frosting-- they deserve to die." Jack fails to deliver a killer line, but demonstrates that he "NO LONGER WORKS FOR CTU!" and gives the WTW the wrong remote detonation code. He then gets knocked out.

QUICK NOTE: Jack Bauer doesn't succumb to unconsciouness. Unconsciousness is acquired by Jack Bauer.

BEST LINE OF THE SHOW: By the terrorists for the advancement of the plot:
"Hold on, i'm going to put you on speakerphone." Hahaha...nice.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SWEEP THE LEG JACK! AWESOME leg sweep, neck crack, gun steal, handcuff unlock sequence.

Aaaand everyone in the food court dies. That sucks man. That's just rough. I suppose i'd be alright going out having just polished off a slice of Sbarro pizza or a chicken tendercrisp sandwhich at Burger King, but dying because you couldn't decide between the Phat Thai Hut and Chinese Express would jut be sad.

The live terrorist flees the mall in a jacked hundai and calls the head terrorist. What's unusual is that he inexplicably flips his phone open with his teeth. Can he not do the one hand thumb flip like the rest of us? What is that? Anyway, CTU units follow the terrorist who then kills himself when he realizes he's been followed. "You know what to do" the head terrorist tells him to which the other terrorist says yes and shoots himself. If that were me, I'd be like, "Yeah, I know what to do," and then book it out the back door. Maybe strip down and start dancing naked just to throw em off. Mental note: never say offhand to a possible terrorist "You know what to do."

Me: Cool, i'm going to the bathroom.
Terrorist: Can I play xbox?
Me: Yeah, go for it. You know what to do.
Terrorist: ::BANG::
Me: Shit.

Somehow CTU doesn't assume that Erwick is nearby somewhere, so they just hangout and let the terrorists get away with a huge conspicuous pickup truck full of 19 cannisters of nerve gas. Maybe this will be like My Name Is Earl. Each week from now on Jack does something to gain back one cannister of nerve gas while learning about life and himself in the process. Man, I sure hope so. Until next week, try not to shoot any of your friends in the face...accidentally.

Keep It Jack,

PS. Monday Night, while 24 was being taped in my apartment, my trivia night team won pub trivia in part due to the question "Who did Julia Roberts flee to Europe to avoid marrying?" The answer: "Kiefer Sutherland." Jack Bauer has the power to make Julia Roberts flee the country. I feel safer already.


Blogger JKow said...


I think your "Jack Bauer Fact" of the day was a little off. Doesn't unconsciousness succomb to Jack Bauer? Isn't that how that would work? anywho...

I love your nickname thing. It's so much like the Tuesday AM QB (yes, I'm still slurping this guy). Post-superbowl, the guy including a huge section that explained all of his random nicknames for teams... like your teams: New Jersey/A (they play in Jersey) and the Blue Man Group (all blue uni's). (Patriots are the "Flying Elvii" b/c of their logo.)

You commented on Jack's brief appearance as an AC repairman. Did that scene bring back any memories of other JB disguises? When I saw JB in the jacket and carrying the bag, I said to the guys I was watching w/, "the last time JB looked like that, he was carrying a head in his bag." (They didn't get it).

one more thought: how much did the writers miss the boat at the end of last episode. Curtis and Jack thought they were going to have to raid the terrorist hide-out alone... 24 could have had the sickest shoot-out scene with (...wait...) DUAL- DUAL PISTOLS! (I don't stutter when I type: Curtis could have taken a page out of Jack's playbook and gone Dual Dostovels). NOTE: this reminds me: ya think a 24 game would have a cheat to get dual pistols? or would it be automatically included since it is part of the formula that makes JB's tears cure cancer.

10:41 AM  

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