Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM the Day of Walt Cummings' Pity Party

I apologize for this post taking so long to get written, but this week's episode left me completely uninspired, and from the looks of things, it had the same effect on everyone else. A lot happened but not a lot seemed to HAPPEN. And yet, the post must go on, and I'm just the unemployed fool to do it.

The episode kicked off with promise, as Walt "Skeaze-to-the-wind" Cummings makes a subtle The Rock reference by saying that they weren't terrorists they were expecting to be patriots. In the words of Stanley Goodspeed, "SHAME ON THEM!" How many movies (or seasons of 24) do you have to watch to know that the patriot-terrorist thing rarely turns out for the better? Or maybe he meant New England Patriots; that's a lot more plausible what with the way he fumbled the ball under pressure.

They then find out that Nathanson went darker than the hershey bars left on the shelf, and Jack inexplicably says he's ready to be dead again. "I think CTU can handle it from here," he tells us in a desperate act by the writers to create conflict. Because no he doesn't. Jack NEVER thinks, nor should he he think, that CTU has it under control. Tony's in a coma, Michelle is dead, Edgah hasn't done anything in months besides horde swiss rolls, spenser is under arrest, and Chloe wore bubble wrap in her last flick. The BuCannon might have alzheimer's from the way he's been talking and making decisions, and Astin Martin is one phone call away from a role in I Am Sam II. After a few, "I'm a figurehead!" pleas from President Jowlsburg Cheese, Jack both tells us he'll stick around AND foreshadows the inevitable fall of humanity: Kim's still alive and will be in this season. I think Stanley Goodspeed said it best when he said, "You're insane, Mason. The kid'll have nightmares. I'll spend all my money on shrinks."

NEW 24 VIEWER: But who is Kim
STANLEY GOODSPEED: It's very, very horrible sir. It's one of those things we wish we could disinvent. This isn't a training exercise, is it?

Quick note: Did the casting director forget what ethnicity the terrorists were this season? They're like a mish-mash of every possible european/middle eastern ethnicity as played by a British guy who grew up in france.

Quick note: Astin Martin informs us that the nerve gas can do more damage than before, possibly in the hundreds of thousands or maybe a million casualties...which, like, sucks...but this could still be the least threatening threat they've had to deal with. I mean, nukes...meltdowns...viruses...all more than a million. Of course, this is all probably a decoy so they can actually STEAL NASA'S SPACE MISSIONS!

So apparently all you need is to have the terrorist's Zack Morris cell phone number and you can tell them anything you want them to do. In this case, some dude who I think fought Gandolf in the Lord of the Rings, knows how to reconfigure the cannisters. I would have had them put on football helmets and head butt each other. Then I would have called head-to-head contact and given them a penalty. Game over. We win.

So Jack and Aubdrey start talking again on the phone and people are arguing over letting Spenser back on the net, when all i'm thinking is what Stanley Goodspeed so eloquently put, "You know, I like history too, and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together but right now I just... I just wanna find some *rockets*!" The terrorists have gone to Monster Garage to get their nerve gas fixed...great.

Quick Note: Astin Martin's sister looks like a vampire zombie. TWIST!?

President Sleazebag is shocked that his wife is holding the whole not believing her and sneaking her into the crazy house thing against him...I feel like MTV's gonna pop out and be like, "Mrs. President, you've been with this man for 238472362 minutes, earning you 238472362 you want to take the money or go on another marriage with this man?" Meanwhile Mike Novick, Jack Bauer, Chloe, and Buchanan are on the bus screaming "NEXT!" They somehow make up and now the president is forced not only to act during a closeup, but to tell his wife they can work on everything together, leading to a shot of Mike Novick looking from one to the other with his, "Oh, were we shooting?" face on.

Now I know people wanted 24 to move faster, and I agree that 6 hours can't be spent having Kim getting chased by a cheetah or a single-father, but it's starting to feel as if 24 is no longer being shot in real time. Jack shows up with Curtis at a terrorists house (Rosler? Roslen?) and speeds through dialogue ("What are you talking about spenser's under arrest. Fine, whatever, real time, real time, let's go, let's go!"). We finally get an infiltration scene from Jack and Curtis (classic back-of-the-head smack)and then they roll the penthouse guards and secure terrorist guy. In a massive anti-climactic moment, the girl behind the bed turns out to be a no-name fifteen year old kidnapped sex slave.

Quick Note: The kid opening the nerve gas cannisters in the metal shop learns that you can't trust a terrorist's word. Goodspeed says, "Glass or plastic, glass or plastic?"

TORTURE SCENE! It's like Christmas only...wait...where'd the torture scene go? He slapped him once! Curtis stepped on his toe! WHERE DID MY TORTURE SCENE GO? Astin Martin cuts the torture short (thanks studio execs) and Jack let's it go, so they give the terrorist everything he wants proving that we do, in fact, negotiate with terrorists, but only when we don't really have to. That's ok though, because before I can really care, Unfathomably Fifteen shoots New Terrorist Guy in an act of total predictability. This "How do you like me now, Brock?" moment backs her nickname Chicken Kiev, because she's soft and battered on the outside, but a raging ball of hot fury on the inside waiting to explode.

QUICK NOTE: This is a good one too. Edgah tells Chloe she did the right thing, and Chloe tells Edgah to shut up. Edgah then gets a one on one with the camera, where he actually appears to look directly into the camera, smile, and resume typing with a big smile on his face. Does Edgah have the power to speak directly to the audience?? This would be the best thing to happen to 24 since Jack shot Nina in the stomach for fun in season one.

Back in the White House, Walt Cummings hangs himself, prompting the immortal quip of Stanley Goodspeed, "How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?" Did they just let him hang out in that room (no pun intended)? "It was just too professional a tie for us to confiscate" the security guards said. "It was striped. Red and white striped." I don't care at all about Walt dying, but it does mean one more victim that Jack won't get to kill him in the future. Fact: Everytime a bad guy dies, Jack Bauer removes a bullet from his gun.

Since I already talked about Nickolodeon's Fifteen killing Rosler(n) Terrorist guy, I'll end the post on a happy note. Sean Astin Martin gets his ass kicked by a leather clad druggie near a dumpster. AWESOME. It was like Rudy finally got his. You just have to wonder if the thug was sitting in the shadows thinking, "This is my one chance, this is my one chance, I have to make it count." But i'm sorry, because as Stanley Goodspeed said, "I know, I'm rambling, I'm complaining, I'm sorry. What's your news, baby?"

Keep It Jack,

PS. If you were thinking of posting the "Yeah, okay, this is about the most awful thing I've ever seen" Stanley Goodspeed quote on the comments section, I applaud you.


Blogger JKow said...

Oh, my Goodspeed references! Geez! (I can't fault you for, though... I drop "I'd take pleasure in guttin' you, boy" and "cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE!!" pretty regularly. Great flick.

Maybe Jimmy Dean has something w/ the Rock thing, though. Maybe the special guest top terrorist of this season could be ed harris (a la dennis hopper's "daddy drazen" from s.1).

I'm so happy that the episode didn't end with Kim showing up. What a joke that would have been. (Despite the fact that she's smokin'). WAIT! I got it... she's preggers!!! YES! and the baby is Megaman. (Or would it be Protoman, since Chase would be Megaman.)

ps: nice patriots dig... you've been waiting to get me back for a while. i know... don't lie.

10:06 AM  

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