Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM While Kim Bauer Watched Laguna Beach on MTV

HAPPY HOUR! That's what 3:00 PM marks for most people in the United States. Not for Jack Bauer though. Remember, your happy hour is only happy because Jack Bauer is doing his job. The minute Jack steps outta the game is the minute Happy Hours begin being known as "Getting sniped in the face" Hour, "This beer tastes like nerve gas" Hour, or in Salt Lake City, still just "Happy Hour" (Because nobody messes with Salt Lake City. Nobody.). I've decided just to go with the Bill Simmons comparison and do this diary style in the hopes that it might keep things shorter or at least more interesting. As I was forced to watch a taped episode this week, I will keep time in "24" time, which is, in fact, real. time.

3:00:15 - Wait for it...
3:00:32 - Wait for it....
3:00:47 - WAIT FOR IT.....
3:01:10 - BOO YAH!! NEW TERRORIST LEADER! Just as I finally figured out that the main terrorist's name was Erwick, it's superfluous. Don't ask me where they came from or why we didn't know about them before, but it was only a matter of time, and thanks to both entry level script writing manuals we now have a new bad guy with a far more distinguishable accent...he's from Terroristria, right? Anyway, I look forward to learning about this new bad guy since I haven't managed to learn much about Erwick in the last 7 hours. Splendid.

3:02 - Biercko? Is that the new bad guy's name? I dub him Berserko

3:03 - Oh, cool. Astin Martin's drugged out sister is back. And there's her loser boyfriend. Images of cougars and abusive husbands chasing teenage girls are dancing in my head. Make it stop. Please, make it stop! Why do we need these bonus crappy plots? Isn't it enough to believe that these massively elaborate terrorist attacks involving multiple Villain hand-offs keep happening? Why does it also have to be the same day that the groundhog sees his shadow and it causes him to buy cigarettes?

3:05 - Remarkably underqualified Astin Martin decides to bring in Jack Bauer again. Buchanan, the only 24 character ever to learn from his mistakes, tells him it's a bad idea, but it's no use. We're forced to relive the deja vu that is the "Jack getting arrested by CTU" plot.

3:06 - Curtis tells Jack that he needs to bring him back to CTU for holding, so he asks Jack to turn over his guns. Jack gives Curtis his hand gun and then proceeds to rip off both of his own arms and turns them over as well. "There. Now you have all my guns."

3:07 - James Nathanson is on the line, and I think he's about to tell Jack Bauer the secret recipe for Bush's Baked Beans!

3:09 - Nope. Goddamnit, we're never gonna find out.

3:09:30 - Curious note: My timer tells me 24's been on for 9:30 minutes, but the bottom just flashed that it's 3:11:something. On another note, there is no Santa Claus.

3:11 - Jack RUINS Curtis. So bad I gotta spell it RA-HOOHOOHOO-INS HIM.

3:15 - Oh boy, now don't get too excited, but there's a good chance I smell an inter-CTU political turmoil!

3:17 - Chloe and Aubdrey work together to create the least interesting onscreen duo ever seen by 24. Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?

3:18 - Berserko calls Mike No-Vick No-Problem and wants to talk to President Droopy Dog eliciting this response, "I don't want to talk to the terrorists, YOU talk to them!" Mick responds, "Are you fucking kidding me? David Palmer's left testicle has more presidential talents than you. Remember how we got you elected? Remember when your primary platform was increasing circulation of The Family Circus? Remember when we got the other party to nominate Marvin the Martian to run against you? Remember how many beers we had to buy them? Ireland. We had to buy them Ireland to get them drunk enough, but we did it. And do you remember what I said to you? I said, "Mr. Assistant Janitor, being President isn't as easy as cleaning toilets and pushing a mop. Do you remember what you said? You said, 'Pee-pee ha-ha, sparkle sparkle.' Then you licked your own nipple. And still I trusted in you. I'd seen the best, and now I was ready to see the worst. So Sir, take your hand out of your ass, pull up your pants, and get on the goddamn phone. Because I don't want to have to report to a left testicle. But I will." This was met by the "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face and this comment by my girlfriend (24 Blogger's Gal), "Is Mike doing the hand over the phone move? Is he really using the hand over the receiver move on the terrorists?" The answer is yes. There is no chance this is going to turn out well.

3:26 - Back at CTU Astin Martin is pulling his CTU Queen Bitch from that other season impersonation, so he better be careful when he decides to send his sister to the infirmary later in the season. I got 10 bucks riding on that death.

3:29 - Nathanson and Bauer are BFF. And I'm on board.

3:30 - See! Nathanson knows enough to upgrade weapons! I love this guy!.....and he just got shot.

3:32 - Hmm. Again. Because he didn't listen to Jack. "Dude, just hold on while I shoot down this helicopter with my hand gun...YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO....Dude? DUDE! OH COME ON!"


3:34 - Nope. Back to plan b: gettin' that talkin' dog drunk.

3:35 - SERIOUSLY THOUGH! Everything fits into Jack's phone! JKow is right, man, my battery can't even hold a charge and packs a x2 zoom, meanwhile Jack's phone can fit gameboy games into its mysterious disk drive.

3:36 - Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercials Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posie or dancing down a street while drinking Diet Pepsi. Jimmy Fallon, fine, that's a step up in his career, but Parker Posie? The Queen of Indie? What could possibly have led to this? These are the people who voted for President Logan.

3:40 - Cut back to "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face by Logan. Is there a vice-president involved anywhere in this administration? When Logan was VP and the Pres died, he deferred to an ex-president for guidance. That didn't come back to bite him in the ass? Is it that nobody wanted to run with him?

3:43 - AWESOME. Chloe and Aubdrey are IMing each other. This proves that EVERYONE IM's people at work, not just all the friends I have.

RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, is it just me or do you think Lynn might be into Buchanan?
O'Brien (worst sn ever by the way: Totally. God. What's wrong with everyone?
RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, do you think Jack likes me? Like, Likes me likes me?
O'Brien: I guess, maybe, if he likes that "I got my head squished in the elevator doors" look. Whatever. God.
RainesOnYourParade: RainesOnYourParade has signed off.

Then Audrey's caught by Astin Martin because her IM beeped when she closed it, proving once again that you HAVE TO TURN OFF YOUR IM SOUNDS. That's just amateur.

3:52 - The Russian president married the only unattractive Anya in Russia. Aaaand skeaziest shot of Mike in a while. Oooo, he used skeaze voice to tell Berkerko where the motorcade is going. Where are Connery and Cage when you need them? "Carla was the Prom Queen."

3:58 - It's definitely a bad sign when I a) don't care that the President's wife just got in the car with the Russian President and b) I'm wondering if Conviction is going to be any good because it has Milo in it from 24 season two.

3:59 - V For Vendetta is going to be sweet. And isn't it weird that all the A-list edgy young actresses are making female starred comic book movies action movies? And how appropriate is it that Paul Walker is Running Scared? Maybe in his next movie he'll Go to Camp, Save Christmas, or Ride Again. Whattya think...brah.

4:00 Beep-buh, beep-buh. After this episode, I know what Jack Bauer's gravestone is going to say. A quote from John Mason from The Rock. "I'm fed up saving your ass. I'm amazed you made it past puberty."

Well, this week Jack Bauer'd all over the terrorists, Erwick got kicked to the curb for Berserko, and Nathanson might have passed on the secret for his hot dogs buried inside DOD code. Incidentally, Chris Dodd could have defeated Logan. Big Ho was right. Logan must have been wearing a Palmer mask when he was elected. WAIT! What if that means that Logan was wearing a Palmer mask on the morning Palmer was shot! Maybe Logan was shot and Palmer was wearing a Bill Buchanan mask (think about it, that makes a lot of sense). I mean, someone was already wearing a Jack Bauer mask for that security camera. TRICK ENDING! Double Trick Ending: Bauer was wearing a Tony mask and is currently in a coma. Only time will tell. Until next week.

Keep It Jack,


Blogger Big Ho said...

The last paragraph of this entry blew my mind. Seriously. What if Jack is Tony, or Jack was really Michelle and the real Jack died in the explosion?

Also, I think the paragraph where you mention the terrorist phone call will eventually lead to my getting fired. I laughed so hard that I think it was pretty obvious that I wasn't doing work. "OH! MAN! These GP monthly Models are hilarious! WOW! I'm tearing over here!"

Not exactly believable

12:36 PM  

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