Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Following Took Place Between 7:00 AM and 11:00 AM The Day of David Palmer's Assassination...And Other Knock-Knock Jokes

Before I get started in on my uber-analysis/drinking game post of last week's episodes, I need to clear one thing up. This site is in fact called, "THEYDontKnowJack" not "YOU" which would be sweeter. The reason of course is because some douchebag who likes JACK RUSSELL TERRIERS took YOU and hasn't posted sice 2002. The blog has useful information like, "They're a type of dog" and "More information later." So we've been assigned to the less sensical, but easily more edgy title of "THEYDontKnowJack", but as I think we'll prove, WE do know Jack, but perhaps THEY don't, HmmmmmMMMmmmm?

Anyway, here comes the good stuff faster than you can say "Oh, good David Palmer's ba--." I'm sitting there on the couch, pumping my fist and trying to figure out if Palmer's brother was in Hotel Rwanda and feeling like i'm in good hands with David Palmer when all of a sudden...SNIPED(tm)!!! This both shook me and got me pumped (I know, but wait). When Palmer when down it was like Johnny swept the leg and I couldn't believe it. I love David Palmer like the black television father I didn't have (never got that into The Cosby Show), and when he got sniped I wanted to weep like the black son who was apparently cut from the show and will probably be recast when they decide to use him later in the season. BUT, and this is a big but, THE SEASON BEGAN WITH A SNIPE! Not only is this the first snipe for our Jack In the Box Presents The Snipe Tally, but think about it. This was the PENULTIMATE SNIPE! (The ultimate snipe is obviously sniping Jack Bauer) This is tragic, but also, it bodes well for the sweetness of this season. There, that is the most I will sound like a Jr. High girl in this post. Anyway, we'll miss you David Palmer, I guess Jabu didn't come through for you this time.

Minutes later (I know because it's filmed in REAL TIME! EFFING REAL TIME, BABY! LIVE IT!), A car explosion ends Michelle and Tony's super-awkward home life, and proves to us three things.
1) Nobody likes Michelle.
2) Everybody Loves Tony (8PM on CBS)
3) Tony will die, come back as a ghost (more powerful entity!) and save Jack's ass just when we think he's done for. Like last season when Tony utilized either a time machine or hover car in order to reach that warehouse where Jack was about to die.
**THEORY**
Tony was not put into a coma by the car bomb, but by his haircut going into hibernation.

Unfortunately, this now means Chloe, Edgah, Bill Buchanan, Audrey, and Curtis are our new offensive line. Does anyone else think this looks like the Pats at the beginning of the season when Bruschi was out and nobody thought they had a shot at the playoffs? It feels like the Uconn Basketball team where just a few years ago El Amin, Voskul, and Hamilton were ruling the court, and now everyone's cheering for Rudy Gay (More on Rudy related news later). It's not the team you fell in love with, but they're stepping up and now we have to deal with it. They're a little more awkward on the court, certainly more out of shape, and maybe a little Bad News Bears-esque, but they knew that if they sat on the bench long enough, they'd eventually move up to the limelight. It was just a matter of carbombs, snipers, fake deaths, and Nina Myers.

Speaking of Nina, what's Audrey's deal? Not only is she confusingly present in every scene, but she's acting like she had to give up Jack when he went into hiding. Didn't she choose her husband over Jack? She's like the forth string quarterback after his Nina, his wife, and that blond chick, who quit the team and then wants to get some front row tickets to the championship game. JGeto-ver-it. He's moved on. He's moved on to an even more annoying woman. What is with Jack getting involved with AWFUL women? I'm sure a whole other rant can be written about this, so I'll let it go. Let's get some psych majors involved.

Moving forward, Jack Bauer aka Frank Flynn (an alias he will now have in his file FOREVER) comes out of hiding, promptly kills the man who told him that he was being framed (nice) and once again proves to us that he's really into greasy teenagers. He's immediately sweet, killing everyone in his path, but then suddenly settles down, hides in the ventilation and takes it ease. WHAT HAPPENED TO JACK'S AWESOME RAMPAGE! Apparently, he's settled down, gotten control of his "kill" emotions and is welcomed back into the world (best line in the show: "I think it's obvious that Jack faked his own death, changed his name to Frank Flynn, and is currently wearing very cool sunglasses." - Bill Buchanan paraphrased) Regardless, this settling down led to one of the worst let-downs in 24 history. The line from the previews, "Let's get one thing straight Bill, I don't work for you!" was delivered at the absolute worst moment, when Jack wanted to use single ply toilet paper instead of Bill’s safer suggestion of two-ply.

Despite these setbacks, the show hooked me again and i'm ready for those former-hockey players to set off some nerve gas in a fictional airport (Ontario! Take THAT Canada!) and am ready to stand behind my new president....President Bipolar Distrusting Skeazey White Guy who makes Mike Novick look like Charles In Charge. Speaking of which, new comer White Houser Walt Cummings wins the Skeazier Than Mike Novick Award, while simultaneously being the most trusted man around. Probably because he looks like Kyle Mchlachlan from Twin Peaks. Plus, he uses ringback-tones so he's loved by terrorists and congressman alike. I am ready for the new season, ready for the action or passive aggression of Jack Frankly Baurflynn, and when that terrorist mastermind steps out of the janitor's closet in the White House, you heard it here first.

FINAL POINTS:
-Rumors of Kim coming back better be exaggerated, or else the show better move to HBO so we can see "the actresses."
-Edgah getting upstaged by new guy banging Chloe better turn into either an arm wrestling, food eating, or slam-dancing competition.
-RUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY! As long as Sean Astin Martin is onscreen, I can't help but be on edge, knowing that at some point, he will make that big tackle. GO TEAM.

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz

1 Comments:

Anonymous notyourmomula said...

your comments re: the show are HILARIOUS!
Don't be too hard on Chloe - she's obviously the real brains left in that office - witness when she was arrested, taken in, and then sent back to her desk to save the world, or at least the airport.
I also predict Edgar's gettin' out of his chair to kick the butt of Chloe's boy-toy, and prove that he's in cahoots with Walt @ the WH.
Ka-chung! Ka-chung!

10:01 AM  

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