They Don't Know Jack

Day 6

2007-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

It came. It stunk. It's over.

We met Jack's family. They are now dead.

Audrey is whacked. Her dad is a dick (even though he did drive his car off a cliff for JB last season).

Chloe is having a child. Can you possibly become depressed within the womb by your mother cutting down everything you do? If so, little O'Brien is gonna be one depressed baby. Please god, I hope this is the reason why she isn't on season 7.

Nadia/Milo/Ricky Schroeder/JB's sister-in-law (quasi-love-interest) good season. See you never.

Bill and Karen, happy retirement. You can only get fired/resign so many times.

JB... you were incredibly sweaty to end season 6. Once again, you saved the world from evil. You might as well join Heroes and kick Sylar's ass. Or go coach high school football in Dillion, Texas. Or move to Agrestic and grow some stuff with Nancy Botwin. Or hang with Vinnie Chase and the boys. Maybe you could go to B-more and try to bust Avon Barksdale with McNulty. But, since I doubt that you will do any of that, please leave Los Angeles. I'm tired of LA, and I assume that you are as well. LA has taken everything from you. Follow the inspiration of Nip/Tuck and give another city a shot.

Seasons 5 and 6 sucked. Here's to two (contractually obligated) much better final seasons.

- A-money

oh crap

2007-04-20T09:40:00.001-07:00

Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.

Bill Simmons: (12:22 PM ET ) Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"

A&E Shows Old 24s

2007-03-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

Since I am currently unemployed, I have been viewing old 24s on A&E (only reason to watch this channel). I recently saw a season 3 episode that I somehow had forgotten about (no, not the russian roulette game during the prison break). It was the episode where JB has to murder his boss from CTU (sidenote, a silent countdown ends the show, so the Edgah silent countdown wasn't even original). Pretty ridiculous, even after all of the stuff in season 5.

Now I bring up this episode, not only because of its craziness, but because of who else you see during the show.

Chase - After watching him in action, I'm very upset he isn't on the show anymore. He was a very solid couterpart to JB, even a possible replacement. The fact that he isn't on the show upsets me more than Michelle, as much as Tony, but not even close to Palmer.
Sylar - I completely forgot that the enemy of the Heroes was a CTU computer guy. He was kind of a Chloe slash Edgah type, before her bunkass was around (and his fatass, I'm still not upset that he died from the nerve agent). Now I tivo both shows, but I am currently more involved with Heroes (yeah I said it. drama like 24. answers, unlike lost. girl from remember the titans... all grown up. great show.)
The Korean guy from Lost - he was Chase's partner. Apparently, 24 just makes solid actors.

I don't really know what to say about this season. The torture has gone a little over the top, JBs dad is a real snake, and Droopy needs a shave. I have been in LA for the past week, and I have tried to act like I was JB as much as possible. I really have no idea how someone could fight terrorism here, the city is so spread out and there is so much traffic. JB would spend half his day beeping his horn, losing his cell signal, and flipping the bird on the highway.

But I still watch. JB is a once in a lifetime character, and I don't want to miss out on any of his adventures.

- A-Money

At script writing school, I learned how write scripts and become a script writer

2007-02-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

1. Capt. Bluetooth’s name is spelled “G-R-A-E-M”? We’re sure this isn’t Dawson’s Creek? (hmm... Pacey… he’s not doing much these days… 24 anyone?)

2. Here is a tasty lick from some recent interview… where Chloe may have made out with Rush Limbaugh:

““People will ask, 'Well, why did you kill [Counter Terrorist Unit computer technician] Edgar [Stiles]?' 'Why did you kill [agent] Tony [Almeida]?'" Surnow said. "Because this is a war, and in war, there are always casualties. You have to care about the people that are paying the price or the show doesn't work."”

Wait, you’re sure that it doesn’t have anything to do with the whole “it's important for viewers to believe that "anything can happen on the show"” schtick?

Here’s the rest:

http://www.cnsnews.com/Culture/Archive/200606/CUL20060626c.html

3. If anyone was worried if they’d ever be able to regularly watch Bates football in the near future, fear not. Tuesday AM QB has your answer:

“As broadband and cheap video production proliferate, high schools and non-football-factory colleges will start broadcasting their own games. I'm betting that within 10 years, a significant portion of America's high schools and colleges will be self-broadcasting games over the Web. Your computer will sling the image to your HD television, which by then may be your HHHD television. You'll click off Fox – 10 years from now, Jack Bauer will have just 24 hours to stop an asteroid from striking the Earth, and his dog will be kidnapped! – and you'll watch your high school play its crosstown rival, or your college play its homecoming game.”

4. Watch out, animated terrorists, even you’re not safe!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWUaQVZHzyI

5. Did anyone else notice that Jack dodged an explosion in each of the first five episodes without a scratch?
1-suicide bomber on subway
2-Hellfire rocket from attack copter
3-grenade in self-storage lot
4-nuke
5-helicopter on house

6. Finally, a response to the DashMan RE: Capt Bluetooth:

A-$$ stated:

"He was a dastardly character that you never learned much about last season, and that is exactly why he can fit into the role of Jack's brother. He was a leery BT wearing guy in a room with similar fellows, so they left it completely open for his development. He could have been anyone, making him JB's brother just adds some intrigue (makes him a character that you already knew from the past, a person with connections to JB, a person who is responsible for killing the best president ever)."

Au contrare, everything that CBT was last season is exactly why he CANNOT be a Bauer. CBT and JB being brothers does not add intrigue but adds stupidity. In the context of the plethora of mis-steps you have filed in your previous affidavit, this lame-ass move is like a (huge) cherry on top of a ten-scoop 24 eff up sundae. Not to get too legal-ese on you, I feel that it is my position to present my findings that, in fact, nobody has been “quick to forget” what has been done ad initio. Heretofore, I do not wish to proceed ad nauseum, so I willeth wrap it upeth and say Kim stayed around WAY too long and Russian Roulette was a great TV scene that can't be duplicated.

-JKow out

PS. Some non-24-related hilarity: http://podcast.wbcn.com/wbcn/37829.mp3

A Few Things

2007-02-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Since I was in a Super Bowl funk (being that I worked for the Host Committee and had to attend a plethora of events, but ultimately did not watch ESPN or read espn.com for a two week period to avoid Peyton), I had to play some catch up in the world of JB the past couple days.

First, the question of Bluetooth and JB. It is very conceivable that BT and JB are brothers. BT was introduced last season as the John Travolta in Swordfish of the 24 universe. He apparently is a person who wants to protect America by circumventing normal diplomatic solutions, and uses force whenever necessary. He had Palmer, Tony and the likes offed. Last season made it seem as if he basically controlled the President. He was a dastardly character that you never learned much about last season, and that is exactly why he can fit into the role of Jack's brother. He was a leery BT wearing guy in a room with similar fellows, so they left it completely open for his development. He could have been anyone, making him JB's brother just adds some intrigue (makes him a character that you already knew from the past, a person with connections to JB, a person who is responsible for killing the best president ever).

Second, I agree with the points about JB's dad. I would have liked to see Donald in that role too (he may be too tall for Keifer's nobody-taller-than-me rule). It seemed like the show was going to go in the direction of Indiana Jones with the father son combo (which I would have enjoyed, especially if a young ethnic child was there and yelling with a stereotypical accent). After dad pulled the "enough torturing of your brother" look on JB, it was interesting to see him kill BT.

As of right now, I have no idea where this show is going.

Miles seems to be in dire straits.
Chloe has begun to suck less, but I think that is a ploy by the writers to make some characters likeable on the show.
I want more Nadia.
I called the habeas corpus stuff in December (though this doesn't matter to the rest of America, I am throughly appreciative of this being in the show. I like whenever stuff that I learn about in law school is talked about in the real world, aka 24).
DMX is the worst president ever... ever.
The guy from Ghostbusters is really good at being annoying. I feel like he has ties to JB's Dad's company in some fashion (or the company may kill him for impeding on their rights to terrorize).

But seriously now, I cannot deal with all of this negativity. Are we so quick to forget some of the blunders of the past in 24:

The mountain lion

Speaking of that, getting rid of Elisha Cuthbert all together

Killing Palmer last season
Jack killing his boss

While cool, so ridiculous on so many levels

The russian roulette game during the prison break

I think the most laughable part of the show is the fact that the nuclear bomb went off in LA and CTU isn't dealing with a massive riot in the city (similar to season 4 with the whole blackout and shootout with Bruno the terrorist).

- A-money

My Two Cents

2007-02-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

I'll say it-- I've actually been alright with the last two weeks of 24. I've watched them late and on tape, and while I don't buy much of what they're sellin'...I'm kinda ok with watching it.

1 Cent: Jack's Dad looks exactly like Droopy Dog's Dad which means that Jack is probably ALSO related to that terrible Droopy Dog President.

2 Cents: No way Jack's dad kills Graem. I mean sure, no way they're related, but c'mon-- why once again kill off a character you could have gotten some plotline from. All my money is now on Smarmy O' Brien (also, should his last name be O' Brien? Why is it? Why is Chloe's last name O' Brien? I'm so confused.) to drop some greasy british shit on the terrorists.

Come Back To Witz Or Forever Hold Your Peace,
Witz

Not for the show: For the blog

2007-02-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

I just read an article in Bar Stool Sports (a free bi-weekly Boston paper about "things guys talk about at bars") that included a blurb about our "favorite" show. I had to post an excerpt... that made me laugh out loud on the subway...and attract awkward stares... Anywho, the excerpt:

'I just don't get how they still don't have Caller ID at CTU. Every second is priceless; Bauer can't be wasting time introducing himself to everybody. "Chloe - Bauer." "O'Brien - Bauer." "Mr. President, Jack Bauer." "Chloe, this is Jack again." My grandmother has Caller ID, surely you think they'd have that kind of technology at CTU. That said, I liked the part when they nuked Los Angeles.'

I'm glad other people laugh at this show, too.

If anyone is still reading this, I'd like to second Mr. Witz' idea that Capt. Bluetooth is NOT Jack's brother. No EFFING way.

This "fact" along with the fact that Donald Sutherland is NOT playing Jack's dad made me not watch "the show formerly known as 24" for the first time. I heard I didn't miss much. Dah-well.

-JKOW

PS: I heard the phrase "jumping the shark" in the same sentence with "24" on tv (news? Daily Show? the soup?) this weekend. Methinks they're a touch late with that one.

24: You Blew My Mind, But You Broke My Heart

2007-01-25T10:23:00.000-08:00

Ok "24" if that is your real name. You've gone too far. Clearly, as nobody has posted about this week's episode, we are all in a bit of a mind-funk from last week's show. To be honest, I can't remember too much of the show. What I remember is this-- Jack's brother is Captain Bluetooth? Yes, it blew my mind when this was revealed-- but it also broke my heart. Because no "24", Captain Bluetooth ISN'T Jack's brother. That's insane. You can't just drop on us after 5 seasons that Jack has siblings who are readily accessed and haven't been previously mentioned or accessed. This was a desperate move by arrogant writers/creators to throw in a "TWIST" that we couldn't believe. And the fact is, I can't believe it. Real writing has depth, foreshadowing, groundwork. This week you just decided to go b-a-n-a-n-a-s on us (and you have no idea how hard that was to type on a ergonomical split side keyboard) and it cut me deep. Remember: Television Audiences that stay together, buy into your plot together....if they prayed together that woulda flowed better, but that's just not what they do. With no reason to believe that Jack is related to Bluetooth, or that he has a living father (and how can't you have Donald Sutherland play his dad, seriously), we can't buy into your twist. Twists need careful planning so when we find out what happened we say, "HOLY SHIT, OF COURSE". This time we all went, "HOLY SHIT-- Huh??" This all goes back to season one when you stated on the DVD, "we killed Jack's wife because people wouldn't expect it. We wanted to show that anything can happen." Well, except for Jack dying thanks to that contract. That's all I can say right now other than Assad is still dope, Fayed cannot possibly drive fast enough to escape the nuclear blast, and I already wish Kumar didn't go to that great big White Castle in the sky.

Witz

The Word

2007-01-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Oh, boy, where to start. How's abouts:

THE FIRST WORD: "Really"... as in "Are we really doing this again?" I
can't believe I made it to the end of the fourth hour before saying "I hate
this show" for the first time.

MOLEy-MOLEy-MOLEy: Wow, it took only, what, 3 episodes before we had
our first mole? (detention center guard) At this rate, we're due for 8 moles this season. Aaaaaiieeeeyyee!

DETENTION: We've all heard the saying, "where there's smoke, there's
fire"... or something like that. I don't know why I included that, but, ah,
what is a season of 24 without an agent or two getting locked up? I can't
wait until “Agent Johnson” gets to give the freedom tickles to Morris… and Milo awkwardly comforts Chloe as he pretends he’s upset about it.

SO CLOSE... to the catchiest cross-promotion ever: Too bad saucy
brunette in CTU (Natalia?) wasn't a field agent... and she jumped in random dad's
VW... and she cruised across LA blaring John Mellencamp... before she
unexpectantly gets tagged by Jack in his beater Jeep. Um, whose country is
this?

KOOOOOMAR: Definitely a worthwhile addition to this season. Did he have to kill the idiot house-invading neighbor? I mean, the guy was just looking for a Playboy or a Frederick’s catalog so that he could throw the ball back to Schoup or Wild Thing. Anyway, I was glad to see that he didn’t reprise his mute role from Superman Returns. I was not happy, however, that he died en route to CTU. I was really looking forward to Jack getting a one-on-one with him. I honestly feel cheated. Damn you, No-Name-CTU-Blur!

JACK-EL? Finally, Witz, you are quite prophetic, bro: Curtis takes one in the throat Carlos the JACKel style. What a look on Chocolate Bear’s face as he realizes he’s D-E-D dead. And then Jack pukes. I hate this show.

-JKow

I've only got one thing to say so far...

2007-01-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

The CTU manager with the goatee looks like he's gonna put his dick in a
box.

The Following Took Place Between-- Oh Eff it, I can't Do This Again...

2007-01-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

Ok-- so I watched. I watched the first two hours in real time and the second two hours is "I'm only wasting 90 minutes by fast forwarding through the commercials" time. I liked the second two hours better, and not just for the speed.

You can't save two hours of boredom by having Jack go all Lost Boys on a terrorist. You can't. It was awesome, it was sweet, yes I did that insane giggle laugh that accompanies gruesome excessive violence. BUT I also sat bored for 115 minutes waiting for the season to grab me.

Notes from the first two hours:

-My friend Jesse stated and I agree: You might be the former President's brother, but no President, black or not, can rock the all bald and the goatee. Sorry folks. It ain't happenin. "Between stopping terrorists and running the country, I get down with the flavor saver." Get out.

-Dude from Numb3rs is the new Mike Skeaze. Lovely. He's just as annoying but with less historical importance. At least with Mike I could say, "Man, there goes Mike the Skeaze...I just can't help but like him" because I felt as though we had a relationship. Now I get some dude with acne who is inexplicably the same character and also still employed in the administration.

-This has been happening to me a lot. Particularly with Karen Hayes. "Where have I seen her before?" My girlfriend, "Last season of 24." Me. "Oh yeah, that's right!" Just like Fox, I seem to have forgotten that last season exists. Wasn't there something vaguely important about Kim or Aubdrey, or someone else? Didn't Jack leave at a somewhat crucial relationship point? And didn't Wayne Palmer do some pretty ill shit that ought to have kept him from getting elected. The man is black, has a goatee, has done illegal things, was David Palmer's brother (who remember was portrayed poorly to the public) and has no political background. Shouldn't the combination of those things kept him off the ticket or at least out of office? Did they honestly run Droopy Dog against him???

-Couldn't they just forget the entire CTU plot? It's called 24 not CTU. Jack could just act on his own accord and we could forget the inane CTU political bullshit. I don't like ANYONE that is there anymore. Milo? Chloe? The Canon? Nope. And holy lord, did they recast Chloe's smarmy british boyfriend? He's useless too. Drop the whole bit, just let Jack be Jack...which you could have done in:

-CHINA. THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO PUT AN ENTIRE SEASON IN CHINA, WITH JACK ON THE ROPES AND IN AN ENTIRELY NEW SITUATION. INSTEAD, THEY SKIPPED IT ALL, MOVED HIM BACK TO THE USA, AND STARTED OUT WITH THE SAME EXACT SETUP AS ALWAYS.

Part Two Notes:

-I liked the next 2 hours better although I still vehemently deny that it was part of the "season premier." The season premier's when it premier's. Not one night later. Anyway, I didn't care at all when they shot Curtis because the writers failed to do anything with him the entire time he existed. Maybe he can land a commercial gig and live on like the Force Entities in Star Wars of Obi Wan Canobi et al.

-The nuke going off was pretty cool, but not that cool. The problem is that the scariest weapon around right now is the nuke (diseases aside). So every season, like in the cold war, we hear "nukes, nukes, nukes." This time one went off. Fair enough, it's just tough to really care where they're going with it since ONE has already gone off.

-I love Assad. He's the only wild card left.

-Jack needs to go on tilt for like six episodes, just rampaging everyone. In other words, he needs to shed CTU and just kickass.

-I guess I understand why Curtis and Mike The Skeaze were both in World Trade Center-- they weren't in 24 anymore.

-I appreciated Kumar. Show up, show casting agents that you can be a bad guy and in an action setting, then get yourself aced by "No Name CTU Blur" as you're lookin' at Jack. Well done. On the plus side, Scott, AKA Sky High AKA Matt Heff's brother AKA Lord of Dogtown is the man and I'm glad he was around for a bit. Wish he could step it up a notch and somehow stick around though. He will be missed.

-Where's Aaron? He's A1 Sauce baby.

-There might be more, but it ain't happening right now. I might watch next week.

Boop Beep. Boop Beep?

-Witz-

Season Premier THREAD for Readers Without Permissions

2007-01-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hey All-- I haven't watched the last 2 hours of the season premier, but I wanted to put up this bit so readers who don't have permissions to start their own post can talk about whatever they want. Enjoy and thank you.

-Witz-

Oh JB, what did those Chinese do to you?

2007-01-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

Quick comments:

1 - Solid first four hours.
2 - Excited that Kumar came, was actually a terrorist (think he actually wanted to be a terrorist on the show, to toughen up his image?), and died on the way to the hospital
3 - Don't like that I had to change to "new-blogger" to write this
4 - Wayne Brady Palmer is awful. And even if there is a black president, he will be void of facial hair (cause he looks like a skinny DMX)
5 - JB took some heat, but it only takes a small half mile nuclear blast to reverse those 20 months of torture.

Don't act like you aren't happy that this is back. And I do like heroes, and I know it's gonna be at the same time, but that is what tivo is for (once you get it, you cannot remember life without it).

I like that they barely acknowledged that last season ever happened.

- A dash

The Following Takes Place Between 10am PST and 8pm PST On the Day of the Season 6 Premier

2007-01-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

10am -- Wake up. Remember 24 season premier is on tonight. Groan inwardly. Fart outwardly, hesitant look at girlfriend to make sure did not wake her up with my faltulence. The coast is clear.

10:30am -- Come to terms with the fact that another season of 24 is upon us. Season Six. How could this have happened? I suppose just how when you really can't wait for something it takes forever to arrive, when you have absolutely NO anticipation for a show, the time flies by to its return.

11:45am -- Check the Fox website. This season of 24 is quoted by Stephen King as being, "So good it's scary," which might have meant something before "Faithful" came out and I lost most respect for Stephen King (and I'm a Red Sox fan). Maybe he said that right before the car slammed into him. Maybe that's why the car hit him. "I think 24 is so good it's scar--" BAM! MOTOR-VEHICLE TO THE TORSO!

12:30pm-- lunch and snacking. 24 Put to rest.

1:53pm -- Frazier Moore says that "24 returns with a bang." For his sake, I hope he doesn't mean that as a pun. Because if he means that 24 returns with a bang, referring to a gushot or explosion I will have to track him down and make him get clubbed by baby seals. 24 is not returning with a bang. It began with a bang, continued with a bang, was EVERPRESENT AND UBIQUITOUSLY chock full 'o bang, and maybe Jack will settle down and take a breather one of these days if the show would just end with a bang. Aubdrey. Kim. Poor lady. New Chick. Chloe. Whoever. Release the beast, Jack.

3:45pm -- Start to come to terms with this season's existence. Last year's premier was fantastic despite the rest of the season's misery. Droopy Dog was the worst ever, but remember when EVERYONE WE LIKED died in the first 4 hours? Remember that hope? The hope of good writing? Remember Kim's Pornstar Boyfriend? That was funny. Right? Right?

5:30pm -- Consider starting a "King of Queen's Blog" and leaving this one.

5:35pm -- Remember "King of Queen's" is done after this season. Sad. Realize that I've probably only seen 10 KoQ's in my whole life and have over 100 I still haven't seen. Happy.

6:03pm -- Eat dinner. Contemplate how this is my last meal before 24 Season 6 begins. Pour a sip out for my future homies. Receive glare from girlfriend at slowly spreading stain on the carpet.

7:25pm -- Maybe I won't do it. Maybe I'll just opt out. I can do that right? Right?

7:43pm -- What Would Jack Do? Sign on for a gigantic multi-million dollar contract-- oh-- right. Well then.

7:50pm -- Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Cant Lose. Dammit, Friday Night Lights is so much better.

7:55pm -- It's not about the show. It's about the friends. It's about watching a show for better or worse because we can gather here on a weekly basis to complain, laugh, score movie trivia points, and cry together. Because They Don't Know Jack, but we do. And at least here, we have each other. That's more than Jack can say. And like a former Red Sox current Seahawks fan might say, "Maybe this year is the year..." because Curtis is due, Chloe can't survive too much longer, and nobody said David Palmer didn't have a secret twin who's running for office. Maybe this year is the year.

7:59pm -- Beep boop. Beep boop. Beep boop.

WITZ

Trailer for New Season

2006-10-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

2 months and 22 days (I would put the hours and minutes, but you know how those 24 clocks are),

The trailer is up, I thought I should post it www.24trailer.com

Before you watch it, I just want you to prepare yourself.
The President - No way you would see this coming.
President's Advisor - Goddammit

I won't note anything else, but it's pretty interesting

And in honor of the clip and the coming season, just think about JB saying "Drop your weapon! I'm a federal agent!"

- A dash

(24+6)*3 Days To Go Until My Life Gets A Little Worse

2006-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have to commend A-Dash on being the first to stir up the memories and the hatred of the show I will no doubt end up watching in the coming months. He is indeed "the first" and it will give him more authority and legitimacy this coming season than he's ever had. All I know is that Jack better make some life adjustments quick, because his shit is boring-- and here's why.

The reason for all of the hype of last season and even more so for next season is that "you've never seen Jack with so little-- he's totally in the gutter." Well great, but as I think we stated last season, I KNOW JACK BAUER IS GOING TO BE SWEET AND OVERCOME ODDS-- that's no longer unexpected. So make the damn show interesting and don't base all the Emmy's and season prestige on how shitty you can make Jack's life and still have him shoot three dudes just in time to save the Postmaster General. I think this started right at the end of the 1st season and I just didn't quite realize it at the time. The director's commentary on why they killed Jack's wife was because "nobody expected it." Not because she got a new contract, not to teach Jack or the audience a lesson about "getting it all." but simply because as the audience we didn't see ANY reason for her to die so they killed her. God, I'm am NOT looking forward to this season.

A-Dash Was Here First,
Witz

3+ More Months

2006-10-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah I had to do it. I dont care what you say. I'm first. "The first to what?" you might question. The first to discuss the impending season of 24 (Dia numero seis).

Okay, so we left Jack being tortured by the Chinese over some spilled milk (in the 24 world, killing ambassadors on embassy soil is considered "spilling milk"). Nobody knew where Jack was, except for us (on a boat leaving America, similar to the ending of Fantastic Four, with Dr. Doom leaving to go back to become a less sucky villain). Also, a side note on the FF, as I like to call them; that movie was made by fox as well, nice to see them end their biggest summer blockbuster of 05 the same way they ended 24.

In the time since this occurred some fun stuff has happened in the real world.
1. 24 won lots of emmys
1a. for the debatable worst season
2. The US decided that real life CIA agents can act like JB
2a. Some stupid conservative lady justified the actions of the real world CIA by citing the popularity of 24
2b. No more habeas corpus, gurantee that comes up on the show
3. NorKor decided to set off some nukes
3a. Hopefully they use the puppet from Team America to represent Kim Jong Illa on 24.
4. No more JB's girl (shes on the nine now)

Now I will list the new stars:
Chad Lowe
Peter MacNicol (Ally McBeal),
Regina King (Ray),
James Cromwell (Babe),
Kal Penn (Harold & Kumar),
Marisol Nichols (In Justice),
Alexander Siddig (Syriana)
Harry Lennix (Commander in Chief).

Wow, Kumar (how do you spell that, with a Q or with 3 O's?) is on 24. I thought it was bad enough when Rudy (Rudy, Rudy) was on the show, but at least he got killed quickly. But seriously, what the hell? The fact that they only have people on for a season now stinks. I want Tony, Palmer, and the likes back. (If I was writing the movie, it would take place between seasons 2 and 3, when JB was developing his heroin habit with the mexicanos).

Also, this season takes place 20 months after last season. I think it would be cool if the Chinese use JB to kill people in the US (especially Kumar), but then he will turn and dominate the Chinese.

Honestly, this season cannot be worse then the last one.

- A dash

The following took place 11 days after the "MOST EXPLOSIVE Finale in 24 History" originally aired

2006-06-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

First in the Q: Sorry I’m late w/ this: it took me a week and a half to get a tape of the episode. Good to see that everybody came out and posted something for the finale...

Second Down: I think Fox missed the boat with the superlatives of this finale. I think this could have actually been the “Most Unintentionally Comedic Two-Hour Season Finale of a Drama EVER”. Some choice examples:
-RAINESonmyparade is on the IM AGAIN!
-Chloe's British ex-husband
-Ewww…old people sex
-Jack "Dark Helmet" Bauer (*noted independently of BG)
-More tazers
-Droopy bitching at his Secret Service detail as they "escort" him
away
-Buchanon wants breakfast
… and last but SURELY not least:
-Ninjas

This guy's a machine: I'm ok with the idea that Christopher "Never just Chris" Henderson would know that the Russian Alpha had 12 multiple-target cruise missiles (I mean, who doesn't?) ... but the launch deactivation code to said missiles?!? Come on, now.

Bates Rates (revisited):

Down: NOT having George Takei (Mr. Sulu) play the Chinese baddy
Up: NOT having Kim appear in this episode
Down: Wayne Palmer staying in the closet
Up: Me staying until the VERY end of the credits of X-Men 3
Down: Playing poker on a Friday night
Up: Playing Russian Roullette with a Mexican terrorist... during a prison riot

Another blown opportunity: Instead of taking Jack, the ninjas should have taken KIM. I mean, the kidnapping Kim storyline hasn't been used in a while, and it would have dramatically increased the unintentional comedy of the end of the season.

Season 6: I call right now that Jack will spend several hours next season made up as an Asain ala Sean Connery in that one Bond movie (You Only Live Twice?).

The Most Important Thing: Tell me again why Jack went into the Chinese Embassy last season?

The Following Took Place Between 5AM and 7AM While Curtis, Wayne Palmer and Kim Bauer fired their agents: A Live Diary of The 24 Finale

2006-05-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

I knew the only way to capture the final two hours of 24 was to fully harness the spur of the moment emotions running through me, and what better way to finish off a season of Bill Simmons inspired commentary than to copy for the 2nd or 3rd time, a Bill Simmons live journal entry format. So here it is: my live reactions to the final two hours of a season that should never have happened. And it doesn't begin until.....

8:08 – The first “we’re running out of time” in weeks. I swore I wouldn’t kick this off until a Jack Bauer moment and we finally had one. Boo Yah.

8:10: “Are you right handed or left handed?” Jack asks engineer guy. “Right.” he replies. “Kill him with your left hand, it will feel like somebody else is doing it,” Jack tells him, and laughs like a middle-schooler. I gotta say, the army much be cringing when he says "I wasn't trained to do that." That's silly though, we all know The Army watches The Unit and Big Love.

8:12: "Cut him deep, and cut him fast." Jack is back on board, baby. Where was this alllll season?

8:13: 24 the video game begins. “You have less than 7 minutes before missile launch,” Chloe informs us. It takes Russian subs 7 minutes to fire their missiles? No wonder they’re eating there own army instead of ruling Eurasia like they ought to. By the way, how over-hyped was "Eurasia" in elementary school? Total over-promotion.

8:16 Where’d agent McCullough come from? …This is gonna be sweet. YEP! Complete with “Badass Moment of the Season”: saying “we’re all clear, before the Knifed-in-Throat-Terrorist was dead.

8:18 Agent McCullough’s dead. He lasted like…two minutes….

8:20 Jack just killed Greg Giraldi that was always on The Colin Quinn Show via ridiculous pipe steam death and then went all Bloodsport on Berzerko. Cool beans.

8:21 Jack gets all “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,“ on Henderson’s ass and guns him down In Cold Blood (Capote was overrated). INCONCEIVABLE! I give the first 20 minute segment of the finale an 8 out of 10—which is higher than I’ve given the last 8 episodes.

8:23 – Wait, is Spoon making a push for a merchandise comeback with this cell phone commercial??? What can I say, Molly was a sweet song.

8:24 – I’m still hyped up for X3, but all these commercials have taken away the edge. I wish they hadn’t moved past, “start commercial, ::whisper:: X-Men: The Last Stand, end commercial.” That’s how to keep a movie special.

8:25 – Uhhh, Jack didn’t show ANY ID and he just got all the officers’ guns holstered AND got a vehicle. “And I’m supposed to be happy cuz he’s wearing a backpack (see satchel).” No wonder Jack’s had 5 reallllly bad days, if you talk firmly and directly to special forces, they will react like a dog and do whatever you want. Incidentally, I want season six to be “the sixth worst day in Jack Bauer’s life” and just have a normal shit day…you know, debit card doesn’t work, no dress socks to wear, can’t find his gun, looks a little balder than usual, has his soft taco spill out onto his shirt…. Just a shit day.

8:31 – Mike The Skeaze Novick versus Toby Ziegler: FIGHT!

8:32 – “It’s probably better if we don’t have any contact” – Aaron. Wait for it.

8:32 – 3
8:32 – 2
8:32 – 1
8:33 – CONTACT. Ha! Aaron LOVES the crazy booty.

8:36 – 1 in 5 children get sexually predatored online…what they don’t tell you is that 1 in 5 Predators get sexually harassed by Aliens on Yahoo! Messenger.

8:40 – 24 lost its shit on camera and created Chloe’s ex-husband “Morris.” Lucky for 24 he’s bald, british, and sporting an exhorbitant amount of chest hair. Do I smell spinoff…or is that just Morris’ Italian aftershave? The second 20 minutes of the finale gets a 2 out of 10.

8:42 – Somewhere, someone in this world is cueing up Wayne Palmer’s music.

8:46 – For those of you who are wondering, over in the “NeXt” Van, the narrator refers to the “4 hard-bodies in the van” despite the fact that one of them is, clearly, a fattie.

8:52 – President Droopy kisses like he’s in Cool World. Priceless shot, though, of the Droopster getting his shirt unbuttoned and giving Martha the “Everything’s comin up Droopy!” smile. And why not? The man’s on a roll.

8:54 – End of the first hour by my clock. I give the last twenty minutes a 3 out of 10. For those of you keeping score at home, Morris has had more screentime than Curtis so far this finale. I predict a “Bare-Chest Showdown” in the final hour. Also, Morris will end up being part of a giant Jewish Liberal Media Conspiracy that will spiral into a movie.

THE FINALE PART II

The following took place between 6 am and 7 am:

8:59 – Jack watches Silverhawks and eats Lucky Charms.

9:00 – Jack ditches his satchel and hoodie for a flight suit! NO! How could he ditch his emo-gear after this long???

9:02 – Jack puts on Dark Helmet's helmet from Spaceballs and gets into the chopper.

9:04 – If I were the President, or terrorists, or drug-dealers, at this point in life, I would just run a routine “Jack Bauer search” before boarding any vehicle or running any operation.

COME ON TORTURE SCENE! COME OOOOOOOON! Jack should perform all the “urban legends” on him. First make him drink coke and eat pop rocks, then stab him with an AIDS needle at a concert, and then—oh shit, Jack just went all Private Pyle on Droopster!

9:11 – Haha, I love Morris. Hi chest hair screams “Ocean’s 13.” Why didn’t they drop him on us earlier? Oh yeah, and for those of you keeping score at home, that’s Morris 3, Curtis 0. Apparently, Wesley Snipes was wrong, you should never bet on black. Curtis has had more screen time on the tv guide channel this season than he has on 24.

9:15 – HOLY STANDOFF! Ron Livingston and a Bones look-a-like are in a new show together about negotiators! Of course, that’s balanced by Gina Torres being in the show, but WHO CARES?? Ron Livingston is back on a weekly basis!

9:20 – Satchel-less and hoodie-less, Jack is still sooo emo right now. WHERE THE EFF IS THE TORTURE! TORTURE IS PROOF THAT YOU WILL KILL! TORTURE HIM! AAAAAGH, THE WRITERS HAVE TORTURED US THIS SEASON MORE THAN JACK HAS TORTURED ANYONE! AT THE VERY LEAST HE COULD HAVE KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS! THAT’S A MORAL VICTORY! Where’d Wayne Palmer’s music go? What happened to Curtis? I miss Morris! How can Prison Break have a third season??? Were the writers like, “we need the main character to be someone who’s pretty good at breaking out of prison…but not THAT good.”

….
….
9:23 – alright, I’m calmer now. So here’s a question: If the pres wants Jack Bauer gone so badly, why not just turn him over to THE FREAKING CHINESE?

9:30 – Ew, Droopy just said, “making love.”

9:35 – Wow, Walt must have made quite the splash with the critics, huh? Gotta say, I didn’t see “Vanished” cummings. Does this mean that “Empathetic and helpful banker guy” is gonna get a show as an off the wall trial lawyer or something?

9:38 – If a Wayne Palmer comes out and sees his shadow— it means six more weeks of no Wayne Palmer.

9:40 – Am I crazy or is the 24 music sounding exactly like the end of the X-Men theme song right now? I hope Droopy’s trial takes place on Boston Legal, full of quips and what not.

9:44 – Has anyone cared less about a love story plot than with Jack and Aubdrey? Why not just drop that? Oh my god, Jack just fell for the “Your estranged daughter called for you on that un-listed phone in that brokedown-ass shack” trick.

9:55 – THE CHINESE! That move is officially the writers acknowledging that this season was WORTHLESS and they have to get back on track to a plotline that had some semblance of entertaining television. Having said that, this finale was total crap. The conclusion was known weeks ago, and when it’s here, they didn’t even do anything to surprise us! Ok, the wife helped…crazy, what clever television. I was more surprised by the Walt Cummings spinoff and more excited by the Standoff preview. The only consolation is that next season they'll pick up where they left off last season, thereby negating all of this season. Does this mean Jack is gonna be in Shanghai for his next 24 hours? Goodbye ALL OF THE CHARACTERS THUS FAR. Maybe 24 needs a fresh start, though, but I can't say I'll necessarily be there watching it. Until my final post, I gotta go ahead and say,

Keep It Jack,

Witz

Justice League

2006-05-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I started a (crappy) post late last week that just didn't happen. Given the pending (potential) demise of this forum, I felt that I had to make a (short) contribution before "THE MOST RE-DONK-U-LOUSLY ACTION-PACKED FINALE YET!" or whatever Fox is saying in their radio ads about tonight's ep.

I know I always say to NOT watch the end-of-the-episodes (and I still do), but I happened to see the finale ad this weekend. I'm sorry, but Jack's threat at the end to the Droopy cracked me up. Furthermore, after seeing the ad, I might have to take back my proclamation that Droopy will kill himself. I now say/hope that Aaron will kill him... and Barry Bonds.

Close to the End

2006-05-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

So, we are nearing another close to a random 24 hour period in Jack "Keifer is a girl's name" Bauer's life, and this period has been quite possibly the most random. JB comes out of hiding, airport is taken hostage, he is going to save russia, now the US, some nerve gas, every major character dies, robocop's face is a bad guy, homeland security takes over CTU, JB takes over a plane, the president is evil and isnt as stupid as we thought (oh wait, yes he is). I think I covered most of the major plot points, except for one... the recording (which warrants its own paragraph).

Now this one stupid recording is the only piece of evidence against the president. If I had it in my possession, I would call every person programmed in my phone and play it to them (more people to hear the evidence), and the people who didn't pick up, they would have a nice message waiting for them in the morning (oh wait, that would also be duplicate recordings). I mean JB came into possession of this thing around midnight-ish, at least 75% of his programmed numbers would be fast asleep and he would have tons of copies of the recording (unless he only has Kim, Aubdrey, CTU and Tony programmed in his phone... and on that note, 25% would be dead [sorry Tony]). I get pissed everytime I see that thing, because even I know that I could make a copy of it.

So with the most random 24 hours (sans 2 hours) under our collective belts, let us realize one thing: If you have a recording of something that could be used against someone else, play it on some one else's voicemail, just so you know there is another copy floating around.

- A dash

Note: I don't even need to get into the fact that I almost broke my living room table when I thought Curtis was going to be dead after being shot by a god damn mexican hacker terrorist

The Following Took Place Between 10am and 11am This Morning

2006-05-17T14:18:00.001-07:00

So I wrote an entire long ass inciteful as all hell post today and it got lost thanks to my work's internet somehow. So no good post from me right now, but look for something sometime soon when I build my initiative back up.

Witz

The Following Took Place Between 10am and 11am This Morning

2006-05-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I wrote an entire long ass incitement as all hell post today and it got lost thanks to my work's internet somehow. So no good post from me right now, but look for something sometime soon when I build my initiative back up.

Witz

Homeland Sith-curity

2006-05-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, we all know how I’ve been calling for a Droop-icide for a while now. Well, I was one evil, crater-faced bastard away from “I TOLD YOU SO!” Gah! Miles can eat dog poop.

Side note: This reminds me of an interesting point asked many times by my roommate Chris: “Why are the bad guys on 24 always ugly?”

Speaking of the nefarious Darth Crater, what did he do with the all-important recording at the end of the episode? Did he take it from Chloe's side without saying “YOINK!”?? What about those flashing red lights? For the sake of the Alliance, I hope that Chloe “Apparently Hot” O’Brien already transferred the message to R2D2 and jettisoned the lifepods.

The Following Ought to Take Place: A 24 Transcript

2006-05-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

The following transcript was taken from a future roundtable discussion featuring Jack Bauer/Kiefer Sutherland, Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Curtis, The Ghost of David Palmer, President Droopy Dog, Mike Novick, Aaron the Security Guard, and Charlie Sheen. The conversation is moderated by Mariners Designated Hitter: Carl Everett.

Carl: Aight, thank ya'all for comin'. Let's get right to it, 'cause I'm not one to beat around the bush. Jack Bauer, what would you say to those who claim that "24" itself, is a hoax perpetrated by terrorists to undermine our country's security?

JB: I'm not sure I understand the question. Who believes that--

Carl: --Me, for starters.

JB: Well, that's absurd, it's a television program--

Carl: --exactly. It's already fraudulent.

Bill Buchanan: Let me step in here, Jack, you see Carl, 24 is simply a show designed to entertain and occasionally to educate on homeland security procedures. I don't see any basis for--

Carl: --Any basis? Alright Bill, I didn't want to have to do this, but I will. The basis of your entire show is false. "24" meaning "24" hours simply don't exist.

Chloe: What is he talking about? Ugh.

President Droopy: Now, now, I think he might be onto something.

Mike Novick: ::glares sternly::

Carl: Time doesn't exist. It's that simple. God gave us the sun and whudda we do? We measure it? We ENSLAVE the sun. Does that remind you of anything else?

Chloe: Slavery, of course. Ew.

Bill: Slavery.

President Droopy: (whispers, awed) indentured servitude...

Carl: EXACTLY! Indentured servitude. 24 cannot exist because time don't exist. Do you see minutes? Can you fill my cupboard with hours? When's the last time calendar companies have filed bankruptcy? Exactly. Time itself is a scam cooked up by the military-industrial complex to destroy God.

................silence....................

President Droopy (to Mike): Is that true? Did you know that?

Mike: ::glowers at president::

Ghost of David Palmer: Who voted for you?

President Droopy: Why, I-- my wife, for one.

Palmer: Wasn't she clinically insane?

President Droopy: She was a lot of things.

Palmer: Mike, wouldn't you rather be by my side in the afterlife, or in The Unit? We could use a good unathletic skeazy type.

Mike: I thought you'd never ask.

Carl: HEY! Who's runnin' this discussion? Me. Now, Charlie Sheen, you aren't in the show...why are you here?

Charlie Sheen: Hello Carl, and thank you for asking. The fact that I'm not in 24 I see as an oversight by the directors. Given my previous acting experience, my rollercoaster likeability, and my classic Sheen jawline, I basically have already been on the show, and it's only a matter of time before I arrive there again.

Chloe: Two and A Half Men sucks.

Bill: Chloe, please!

Chloe: Your viewers are the people who elected President Logan.

Bill: President Logan, i'm very sorry she--

President Logan: Hm? No, no, she's quite right.

Jack: We're running out of time! Carl, the next question!

Carl: What?

Jack: GIMME THE NEXT QUESTION!

Carl: Why?

Jack: I'll explain later, right now I need you to move forward with the discussion as though nothing has happened, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Carl: I--

Jack: --DAMMIT CARL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??

Carl: President Logan, in the most recent episode, you almost had to commit suicide, but were saved at the last minute. Can you discuss your emotions for us?

President Logan: Well, Carl, that was actually an improvisation I made at the last minute. Originally, I was just supposed to weep like a little girl, but I had been thinking about it before the take and thought, "yeah, this guy would off himself." I hesitated slightly before taking out the gun, however, because I wasn't sure if Logan would be able to actually shoot himself or not-- I mean physically. There was a good chance you would end up missing and shooting only part of himself, or possibly someone in another room, or the Russian President.

Mike Novick: ::laughs:: I was totally thinking the same thing.

Aaron: Quick question for Jack. Where'd you get that satchel and hoodie? They look fantastic!

Jack: Ha, thanks for noticing Aaron, I've been waiting for someone to ask. The satchel, which is actually listed as a "male side-carry purse" ran me just under a hundred bucks at Banana Republic and the hoodie cost just a little more at J.Crew. It was pre-worn, so that accounts for the extra expense, as I didn't have to break it in myself. Though I could have. I can break in anything, human or otherwise.

Bill: We know Jack, we know.

Carl: (pause) Mr. Buchanan, also in this recent week's episode, you were quoted as saying, "They are scrambling the jets from Fort McGoo"...is that the stupidest sounding line you've ever had to deliver with a straight face, or were there others?

Bill: No no, that was the goofiest line ever, although in season one they originally gave Nina a husband named Oscar and I was signed on as an extra. I was supposed to walk over to Jack Bauer's desk with a hot dog and say, "I have a hot dog for an Oscar Myers? This is Oscar Myers' hot dog." And then Jack was supposed to shoot me in the face luckily the scene was cut, and I was later signed as as Bill Buchanan.

Carl: About that. What would you say to the rumors that you are in fact Terry from Survivor?

Bill: Clearly, I'm not.

Jack: How can we be sure?

Bill: What?

Jack: Nothing. Nevermind. That was weird.

Carl: Mike Novick, here's one for ya. You are a man of many scowls. How do you go about preparing your role every week?

Mike Novick: Well Carl, many people think I can just go out there and wrinkle my brow on command, but it's not that easy. The level of skeaze I emit is off the charts. Look at any previous skeaze-ball actor and you'll find they might have the face for it, but they don't have the inspiration behind it. I look at Mike as a New York City face model. With that in mind, every camera shot is a chance to show my newest look. I have scowl, dreary, glare, glower, haha, of course there's confused-glower and shocked-scowl-smirk. But lately i've really been going with "WTFmate-superglare-wrinkle-brow-uber-squint. It's been doing wonders for my skeaze ranking.

Charlie Sheen: Hey, you guys ever see Zoolander?

Jack: No.

Bill: No.

Mike: No.

Aaron the Security Guy: Haha, yeah, I love that movie.

Charlie: I coulda been in that.

Chloe: No, you couldn't have! You don't know how much work goofball comedy takes. Take Dude's Where My Car for example. I had to wear bubble wrap. Have you ever had to wear bubble wrap?

Charlie: I never HAD to...

Carl: Don't get me started on bubble wrap.

Jack: Wasn't Curtis supposed to be here?

Curtis: I AM here.

Jack: Oh. Hi, sorry, I didn't hear from you in a while.

Curtis: Typical.

Aaron: Awkwaaard.

Palmer: I have a question for Jack. How do you see 24 continuing for three more seasons. Follow-up question: When it doesn't, will you quit being a little bitch and join The Unit?

Jack: Well, I see it continuing for 40 million more seasons, if you know what I mean. But seriously, I think there's far more of the 24 universe to explore than people think. We haven't even breached the subject of international healthcare conspiracy for instance, and immigrant worker terrorism is long overdue...and topical. And how about Where's the Beef? Cuz I don't know yet, do you? Plus, Jack still hasnt' found his one true love-- uhp-- spoiler alert!-- Aubdrey's great, but do we really see her sticking around for another season? Let's be honest, there are many more women Jack needs to live with platonically before he can settle down with just one.

Carl: You hit that?

Jack: I hit all sorts of things Carl.

Carl: No, I mean HIT that?

Jack: Oh. Yeah, I tortured her...and her husband actually, nice guy, tough name to pronounce...

President Logan: Hey, lemme ask YOU guys a question...how do you get your cell phone to vibrate without ringing?

Jack, Chloe, Bill, Aaron, Mike, Palmer: Manner mode.

Edgah: Juthst' preth tha atharithk key.

Chloe: Edgar??

Bill: No, sorry, that was me. I was just doing my Edgar impression. ::giggles:: Sorry, ahem..that was wrong.

Carl: Well, that concludes this discussion. We hope to have more in the future, but thanks for being with us. This is Carl Everett saying black people are a myth propagated by the media.

Chloe: But you are--

Carl: Goodnight.

my word

2006-05-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

I think tonight is the night. Droopy is going to fall and his cabinet will think he's an idiot. He can't just shoot down a hijacked plane if it's filled with diplomatic people from other countries, at least not without consulting some of his people. I feel Mike's going to step up the plate tonight.

And with that let's see what happens tonight...

it should be raining.

2006-05-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

first off, why didnt the writers have jack just steal one of those reflector jackets off a luggage guy to at least make his boarding the plane a little more believable ? how hard is that.

secondly, isn't the whole plot line of this season dangerously similar to the plot of season, or should i say 'day', two ?? ever since they came out with the plot when jb jacked whitey...i cant remember his name...the suicide guy...the one aubrey banged...you know who im talking about. so i forgot what i was trying to say...

ok, i re-read and im back on track

so this plot is a word-for-word replica of season two. america secretly attacks itself / proves there is a serious terrorist threat so that we can attack the middle east / central asia and control the oil flow and blah blah blah. it's not that im mad about this plot recycling that is going on, im just waiting for the main terrorist behind season two to show up now in season five.

"how can someone they caught / killed in season two wind up in season five" you may ask ?

i'll feed you baby birds...

if you remember the end of day two they kill the sleazy-guy-who-doesn't-button-up-his-shirts-all-the-way in that stadium when he goes to meet sherry "what a crazy bitch" palmer, may she rest in peace. but they never do find the man who gives the hairy chested bandit his orders. and at the end of the season this faceless terrorist orders the hit on president palmer by way of a sexy brunette who obviously didn't wash her hands after using the ladies room. yadda yadda yadda this is the same chick who is involved in the gang-bang with secretary heller's son. aka - ryan's brother on the oc

did anyone else see the deleted scenes from the season two finale ? they had one where nina was supposed to be on the boat with the head terrorist who gets away. but then realized that this didn't make any sense and there was no way they could tie the two characters storylines together.

so if you start thinking about it, this season could end in some huge storyline twisting back to when sherry brought a nuclear bomb onto us soil, kate warner still had jack's leather jacket and some other stuff i really cannot remember. with that said im back to having faith in twenty-four.

24 Magazine

2006-05-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Odds-maker
20-to-1: Jack will opt for dual tazers over dual pistols some time soon.
2-to-1: We still get a “Get off my plane” quip before Jack’s hijacking ends.
1-to-2: Droopy blows his brains out at the end of the season. (That’s right, I’m sticking to it)

Your own personal IMDb

To answer my own question from Saturday, the Bluetooth guy is, in fact, a recognizable actor. I remembered Tuesday morning that he played a higher-up on ER. More importantly, I’m pretty sure he was a dick in that show, too.

How sketchy was the Air Marshall’s (Band of Brother’s Joe Toye) mustache? I think we now have a quadrilogy of super sketchers this season: Mr. Kim Bauer, Mike “the Skeeze” Novick, and (A)VP. Side note: where’d the veep go? To bed?!? Sider note: what happened to Aubdrey, Curtis and Christopher “Never shortened” Henderson? I know LA has bad traffic, but at 2 AM? During martial law? Sidest note: Wayne? Aaron? Anybody?

This week’s sign of the APOCALYPSE:

Chloe gets hit on… within 24 hours of having a co-worker for a bed-buddy. Yikes!

Bates Rates

Hoodies- Thumbs Up (way up)
Note: I can now explain to my boss in two words (“Homeland Security”) why I wear a hoody every day.

Use of the word “Bowels”- Thumbs… um…down, I guess
Note: What an image: Jack climbing out of something’s bowels.

BuCANNON in a Beater- Thumbs Down
Note: Where was the Tall Boy?

Wax Beans- Thumbs Up
Note: They needed a confidence builder after a bully picked a fight with the most harmless kid on the playground.

Crazy Homeless People- Thumbs Down
Note: Supposedly my roommate’s girlfriend’s friend got KICKED by a homeless person last Saturday night. Don’t get any ideas, Witz.

Chloe Action Sequences- Thumbs Up
Note: Keep ‘em coming.

Zen and the Art of Being Homeless While Watching 24

2006-05-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

So i'm literally between homes right now-- actually not literally, I don't just wander aimlessly in geographic regions between large domestic spaces-- look, i'm not HOMELESS is what i'm trying to say. I'm just home-less. Without home. Between A and B where A and B represent places where I can take a crap and not worry about the repercussions. You understand. ANYWAY:

24 Blogger's Gal and I found ourselves in the home of a friend, watching 24 on a different television for the first time this season. Here are some things which happen in your life on the day when you watch 24 while being home-less.

-You wander around after work, musing at the irony of FINALLY having a fulltime job, but now having NO FREAKING HOME! You then wander into The Quarter Lounge where you grab a few beers while watching the Sox/Yankees game, and start to truly feel the vagabond as Doug Mirabelli comes to the plate when you had previously assumed him still on San Diego. Is the past mixing with the present in your suddenly malnourished, pants-optional world? Should you not have eaten the buffalo snacker even though it was only a dollar? The old man full of whiskey next to you asks for milk, is rejeceted, but immediately accepts an 8 oz glass of half-and-half in its place and proceeds to pound (and i mean POUND) TWO FULL GLASSES. All is not well.

-When your friend gets home from work, you make it over to his apartment and begin almost immediately to make tacos. Despite your speed and focus, it takes nearly TWO HOURS to make the tacos, but when they're done, they taste so delicious you would think you haven't eaten in weeks-- Have You?

-Thousands of hispanic immigrants march by. Illegal immigrants might be taking your job. Is this your concern? Would you have a job, and family, and home, if you were only allowed to scrub toilets or pick crops, or clean houses for well below minimum wage? More than likely.

-Time becomes blurry and the television in front of you begins moving backwards and forwards with ease, refusing to accept the bounds of chronology. Your friend laughs and announces he has DVR and you worry at this technology, planning in your head what to do when this D-V-R begins attacking humans to control our minds and possibly take away our free shipping with purchases of 25 dollars or more.

-Then it happens...24 comes on the television. "I thought we were watching SWAT." "We were, but now it's 24"...."But where's Colin Farrell?"..."He's not in this."..."Well if this is 24, then where is Wayne Palmer? Or Curtis? Or Chase?"........."......"........

-You watch as Jack Bauer sneaks up from the bowels of the plane and ponder two things: 1) your own bowels 2) How come minutes before Jack was disguised as a baggage guy and was able to sneak onto the plane, but now he's being taken for a passenger. And where did he get a hoodie like that because you want one. Can you be homeless and emo at the same time? Or is being homeless the ultimate emo?

-You wonder why the bad guys didn't wait another year or two so that they set the terrorist plan into action with a president in office who was even mildly capable of generating respect. Is there a single person around him who believes that the laws of the USA are still in effect when it comes to protocol? Mike, the VP, Aaron, Prez's wife, Elisha Cuthbert, and AC Slater have all treated the President with less respect than a three year old can of generic brand wax beans (yeah, not even the "good kind" of wax beans). If they had done this with a legit president, people might actually stay out of his way when he says stay out of my way.

-You wonder why when Jack comes out of the baggage area of the plane after controlling the movement of the plane with the wires, he then sticks the air marshall into the baggage area with the random guy who saw how Jack used the wires to control the movement of the plane. You then wonder why the hell the air marshall hasn't started using the damn wires yet to manipulate the movement of the plane to get out of the GODDAMN BAGGAGE AREA OF THE PLANE! YOU THEN WONDER WHY THE HELL A PLANE IS CONTROLLED BY A FAIRLY EASILY ACCESSIBLE BUNCH OF WIRES ACCESSIBLE FROM THE BAGGAGE AREA WHERE THEY STORE DOGS, CATS, and YES, SNAAAAKES!

-Why are there 2 people on this one commercial flight with fairly strong connections to Chris Henderson?? This leads you to think maybe he's one of those people with a "salesman" persona who meets a lot of people (The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell). You then start playing Six Degrees of Chris Henderson....and end at Harry (of "and the Hendersons").

-You wonder if that Bluetooth guy really is the guy from the phone commercial and if so, you can't wait for him to square off with Jack in a Verizon vs. Other Company duel. You already get all excited everytime someone starts yelling on the phone to see if the provider DROPS THE CALL and to see if the person would then DROP THE PROVIDER!...Apparently you watch a lot of tv for a homeless guy.

-You see that the co-pilot was the celebrity mole and that he was the one with the recorder. You then wonder why he stored it in his front shirt pocket, when that is the ONLY place he could have stored it where people would look at him funny and wonder "What is that in your shirt pocket where NOBODY stores things EVER?". Why would you do that??

-You wonder what ever happened to "The Mole" and "Celebrity The Mole" and then wonder if Woody Allen's "Celebrity" movie is on demand, so you start scrolling through the digital cable when you remember that 24 is on and--

---The Bald Eagle (new supervillain name) tells Droops that he has to blow up the plane or else he will be accused of treason. You think there's no way they can blow up a diplomatic passenger flight middair with everyone around the president knowing what's going on and it would be ridiculous to even consider it, and then you think what will Jack do to stop it and what did Wesley Snipes do in Passenger 54 and the answer was "Always bet on black" which turned out not to be true at all when you went to Foxwoods and lost a lot of money on black and that gets you thinking about how you're currently between homes and how maybe that five dollars in your pocket could become 500 if you could only hop a bus to Muckleshoot Casino and bet it all on red just like Jack Bauer would except for one time every five hours or so in honor of Wayne Palmer, Curtis, and yes, David Palmer, who is still keeping it real over on The Unit where he routinely dispenses the smack down while you sit comfortably in the place that used...to be...your home.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

Saturday Afternoon Blogger

2006-04-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm really wondering who is on the sketchy diplomatic plane. Considering how quick things move in 24-verse nowadays, I'm actually surprised that they DIDN'T show us at the end of last week. So, in the spirit of the blog formerly known as "They Don't Know Jack", I'm going to throw out a few ideas in the form of questions:

-Is the Bluetooth Gang in the plane? Where they on the plane the whole episode? What was that bald guy in? Why do I think he was really annoying in that show, too?

-Who else is hoping that the lack of freedom tickles and suicides this season is leading to a ... um, "meeting" between Jack and Droopy that leads to a climactic nationally broadcast Presidential suicide? I'm going all in w/ this one.

-Was anyone else psyched when Jack's hooded sweatshirt/baggage carrier disguise worked? Forget a Swiss Army knife, Jack has his hoody... and his gay little rucksack... that just happens to have C4 in it. Anyway, who did Jack think he was... a 15-year-old kid trick-or-treating without a real costume? Come on, now.

-In the spirit this season's "bring everybody back" shtick, the mystery person on the plane is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Robo-Nina.

He's Back

2006-04-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Curtis "C-Money" is back. I was fistpumping like a madman when he snuck up behind Audrey. Apparently now that bitch smacking Wayne Palmer cannot be on the show for a couple episodes, because of the "token" factor.

Side note - there was a black guy who questioned the white bluetooth guy... actually they all were wearing bluetooths, so I will call them the bluetooth gang from now on.

Droopster is going down. I also hope his wife hits the bottle with a side of zanex, because I cannot deal with that screaming anymore.

What is the chances that JB makes a line similar to "Get off my plane" in his little airplane rendevous? I say 1 in 5. (I sneaky hope the guy on the plane is Barry, and JB says "this is for banging my daughter," and he punches Barry. Then he holds the recorder high and says, "This is for the future of America." And then he punches Barry again, or pistol whips him, or hits him in the face with a fire extinguisher)

Fistpumping in Miami,
- A dash

Quickhitz

2006-04-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

(Late) Kudos:
First up, thank you, A-Team (a full-length movie supposedly "in production"). Thank you for breaking the proverbial ice for last week. If not for you and your law school rants, I don't know if we would have been blessed by the words of wisdom of the Big "Huh? That whistle! It's the HOoooo-Train!” Jose. I'm glad they don’t work the future public defenders of America too hard.

Hose, your insight last week: couldn't be more accurate. On the other hand, Scott Cooper's Nalgene hammer throw: not so accurate. I think that your post would make Cosmology professors around the world very proud... if I can figure out what the class is about.

Listen up:
Chloe: As much as I wanted you to give Sex-Ed a Chloe Chop (ala the assault rifle scene from a year or two ago), I'm glad that I could again witnessed the hilarity of your blackmail. Excellent.

Aubdrey: As much as I wanted Jack to cauterize your arm with those electrical cables, I was hoping for a better death that what you'll probably get. Gah.

Curtis: ...

The Cougar: As much as I make fun of you, please forgive me and come come back this season. Just don't attack Aaron. Take Karen or CTU CRAhater face.

The Cannon: What'd you do with Wayne? Please tell me you didn't have to choke a bitch.

Jack: UPGRADE! Come on, don't you know that 24 has been "Reloaded-ed and Revolutions-ized" like the original Matrix?!? This is just a video game. Complete with weird (though cool) music...

Droopy: As much as you might enjoy the cheesey TV over there, don't go to Spain. Stay here. In a grave. After you commit suicide. Cuz we're due.

Other Notes:
Check out the mini article after the big Kiefer article in the recent Rollingstone. Quite the expose on 24.

I was legitmately pissed that the Bank Manager got the ax two weeks ago. At the very least, he could have done a crappy Kate Warner impression.

Finally:
If A-Dash is the last one to realize that Joe-Boo is Palmer, then does that mean that "I am the last one" to realize that the actor that plays the Skeez was in Sin City?

JKow

PS: What exactly is sensitivity training and is it bad that “my friend” was told he needed it?

Since U Been Gone: The Following Took Place and Didn't Take Place Between Three Weeks Ago and Tonight

2006-04-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on the site in three weeks and it's not just because I've been using my 160,000 dollar education to use zots and color change glue sticks at work. It's also because "24" has made me ask some deep personal questions about my television viewing. Three weeks ago, when the president was shown to be responsible for this whole conspiracy, I knew I had to take pause, and think things over. I needed some me time. Having taken some time, and continued to watch the show silently, I feel I have regained some of my composure and can return to posting without fear of making references and comparisons to shows such as "The Magic Hour" or "Love Monkey." In the spirit of "24" (or what's left of it) I will post as far as things which Did and DID NOT take place over the last three weeks.

DID: The president was revealed to be somehow responsible for everything that has gone down in the last season. I spent most of the week trying to fit my fist up an uncomfortable orifice, in the hopes of pulling a similar plot twist out of my own ass.

DID NOT: Get it twisted.

DID: Take the sexual harassment test at work. I will no longer leave "sexual knick-knacks" on other people's desks, or have "elevator eyes" when I first meet a new co-worker. Of course, I was tested through the antics of the fictional character "Rod Penson." I shit you not.

DID NOT: The vice president was NOT found to be responsible for said plot. While I understand why this was the case in terms of shock value, the writing was not justified. Every clue led to the VP (keeping people in their house via martial law for the gas releasing and The Krang Forehead) but these clues were merely misdirection. This would be alright if ANY clues had been used to set the president up (even really subtle clues) to be the bad guy. Instead, NO clues were given to foreshadow this event, thereby making it come out of nowhere and highly implausible. Good writing does not simply shock, but shock you while at the same time making you slap yourself in the forehead while saying "OF COURSE! How could I have missed it!" (see The Bible when Judas betrays Jesus or Fraggle Rock when the Doozers steal a watch to make a clocktower). This twist was the Tipping Point (by Malcolm Gladwell) for me, and it is where I went into Dark Territory (aka Under Siege II).

DID: I started watching the 6-7pm hour of Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals on The Food Network and by watching the "new" episode followed by the "old" episode, realized that Rachel Ray's meals induce both pep and an ever rising pantline. Also, there are a crapload of ways to make pork chops, but saying EVOO instead of Extra Virgin Olive Oil is still very uncool.

DID NOT: Watch Bones. The dream is still alive.

DID: The president was revealed to only be responsible for the first part of the plot and not the whole gassing everyone, dealing with confusingly ethnic (unethnic??) terrorists who were less capable of frightening me than Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark. Still, the idea that the president faked anything besides an erection ("Charles, is that-- did you tie a popsicle stick to your penis?" "What, no, don't make me send you to that crazy house again...") Haha...President Droopy...took me half a season to hit that one outta the park.

DID NOT: There hasn't been a sniping, legit Bauer Torture, a car bomb, or a "we're running out of time" in months. In fact, "they're running out of time" to make me remember why "24" is what it is. Everything that needs to be said here is contained in--

DID: --Big Ho's brilliantly conceived and executed post about what makes 24 what it is and why it has lost track of it's own success.

DID NOT: Find the "24" soundtrack in stores. Will resort to using my playschool microphone recorder to record directly off the television.

DID NOT: Use the bank manager in last week's episode for any good use. This is the epitome of the problem with this season. The bank manager could have not complied, he could have not recognized Wayne Palmer, or he could have died in the initial shooting. Instead, the writers had him recognize Palmer, BELIEVE what he was told, and OFFERED to help Jack and Wayne. This was a huge opportunity for the writers to make use of a character and take the show and the character in a direction they haven't gone before. Instead, they waited until they left the bank and then killed off the bank manager. What good is this? Where moments before they had an intriguing multi-dimensional NEW character who could have done something interesting, they now had a guy who died thanks to Jack Bauer who now leaves behind a family for no apparently reason. AKA, he was 24 fodder. 24 keeps writing itself into corners instead of using the same situations to open up more hallways and doors to areas they haven't been before. It's like Doom, basically. But with less upgrading of weapons.

DID: Start watching "Lost". Despite my solid year and a half of protests, I finally got bored enough and heard enough good feedback about the show to actually watch it from the beginning and I was instantly hooked. "Lost" reminded me of how good "24" used to be, and how good storytelling can be when done correctly. I recommend everybody checkout Lost who hasn't already (from the beginning)-- especially if you are currently able to follow the ongoing plotlines of Deal or No Deal.

DID NOT: Manage to avoid watching Deal or No Deal. After all of my comments, I gave in and have seen a couple of episodes of the stupidest game show of all time. While Howie Mandel continues to wait for the rights to the Bobby's World movie, his shaven skull stand as a reminder to those contestants who forgot how bad gambling and losing a bet can be. Some people shave their heads because their friends have cancer. It is the unfortunate case of Howie Mandel that his only friend is a bald eagle named Lenny. I will say, however, that Deal or No Deal manages to PERFECTLY capture the high and subsequent crashing low that accompany a night of gambling addiction. The adrenaline of the high and the emptiness and loneliness of the low are practically tangible in our living room each and every night. They should have named the show, "Stayin' Poor" or as JGeto-Verit mused, "the pitch for the show: You know when you're in a gas station and you watch all those people buying scratch tickets and losing all their money? It's like that." No Deal.

DID: Have the Cabo Chicken Sandwhich from Quiznos. I am still reeling from the deliciousness.

DID NOT: Care about 24 this week.

DID: Watch it. And it was alright. I'm not ready to say that 24's back on track after the misplaced plot twists of the past couple weeks, but part of me hopes that what we witnessed was a "spring cleaning" of sorts. Out with the old, start with the new. Maybe the exchange was rocky, but it just might be time to forget about the past and be willing to accept the future. After all, "each day is a gift, that's why they call it the present."......accept you know, for Jack Bauer...for whom each day is the worst day of his life......and David Palmer...who got sniped...and Sean Astin...who died a terrible nerve gas related death....or Chase...whose arm and contract were both ax-ed....or Charlie Sheen, who once starred in The Chase......

DID NOT: Know how to end this post. I apologize for all The Chase references and for a lone "My Super Sweet Sixteen" reference which I chose not to make. Look. All i'm saying is this: If they would just bring back Singled Out and Undressed, we could all be happy...even Mark Bellhorn (the saddest man in baseball).

Hugs, Kisses, and Sniping Wishes (Keep It Jack),
Witz

I like it

2006-04-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

This was a good episode, and I will write mean comments under anybody's post who tries to question this. The conversations alone made this episode good. Like when the President put Novick in his place (The President naps when he wants, dammit!). Also the power play between the droopster and the secretary of defense, this is the stuff that has been missing from this season. Some freaking dialogue that is meaningful, which brings me back to something that I meant to talk about earlier. Remember when that guy Erwich (terrorist number like 3 of this season) called Audrey and demanded to talk to Jack? Well in about 20 minutes of that show, they repeated the same sentence, "Erwich made (blank) do it, so that Jack can talk to him." (go back and look, if you have Tivo, Erwich says it to Audrey, then Audrey says it to JB, Chloe and Buchannon, then JB says it Curtis). I think this may be one of my stinks about this season, and I didn't realize it until there were some much needed power plays this week. Also, where the crap is Curtis these days? Apparently they filled their token quota with Wayne Palmer, so Curtis had to go out on assignment.

I also agree with the ealier post by Witz about the video game status that the show has reached. When the chopper came down I was play by playing it like I had a controller in my hand.
- Hide behind the wheel of the plane
- Pop out and shoot the guys with the biggest guns that comes out of the chopper
- Oh crap, DOD agent just got shot, go get his gun for the ammo
- Take out the random gas tanker near the hanger, bad guys done
- Level over... cut scene the entry to the hanger
- Dun dun dunnnnnnn... boss fight time!

The action scenes are getting kind of ridiculous, but I appreciate a good explosion and shootout with the best of them.

One closing note, if Audrey is to die, think of who is left from the previous seasons:
- Jigga JB (bigga baaaybeee)
- Buchannon and Chloe (running CTU out of Buchannon's den apparently)
- Curtis (out on assignment obviously)
- Wayne P (who can't even hold a gun right, so he is bound to get shot)
- Novick (because no President on 24 can operate without him)
- The craptastic President right now, who will go down, somehow (unless Fox is planning season 2 of Prison Break and season 6 of 24 to coincide, with JB going to jail, and then Michael Scofield getting another tattoo and working with JB to get out of jail in 24 hours).

Nobody steal that Prison Break and 24 idea, I think I could sell that to the WB or UPN (or their new joint station).
- A dash

I think I've figured it out

2006-04-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

OK, I think I've got a pretty good idea of what is going on wtih 24 right now, and I think it's pretty common. 24 became such a huge phenomenon (cue LL Cool J), that the writers got cute. They thought that they had a responsibility to become more than they really are.

Take South Park, for instance. When the show came out, it was a show about Anal Probes, fat middle schoolers, anal abortions, Terrence and Phillip the retarded Canadians, a pimp-ass Chef, stupid parents, and other meaningless but hilarious things. Now they have a vendetta against organized religion, the President, pop culture, Paris Hilton, Scientology, etc. Now, with South Park it works, because they're equally hilarious right now as they were day one, and they didn't lose their roots, but South park is the exception rather than the norm.

Let me give you a profile of what is going on in terms of the President and the Vice President. The President comes across to the general public as ridiculously incompetent, a down to earth "aww shucks, golly, our Country sure is great" kinda guy. Meanwhile the Vice President has a dark, sinister aura about him. We weren't even aware he existed until he appeared a couple episodes ago. Can anyone else think of a VP that fits this description? Yes, Mr Cheney. All they're missing is the VP accidentally shooting Aaron in the face with a shotgun and Aaron apologizes to the American people. I'm serious. This is coming.

Now what we've seen is that this "Dummy President" persona has caught us all by surprise, and the guy we've all been making fun of for two seasons now, is actually quite deviant and much more cunning than we've given him credit for. Hell, even his own wife is fooled! I've decided the Logan's development is actually quite genius. This isn't your typical "24 goes completely 180 degress on us", cuz this is real. This is our President. This is our situation. Don't you understand? Logan is using fear to control the citizens of the United States. He has manufactured a state of fear, including implementing Marshall Law, to further an agenda which i'm sure will be revealed to us in coming episodes.

Now here's the part where 24 may be crossing the line, or implying things that I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with: the sacrifice of American Lives to further the President's agenda. Obvious sacrifices had to be made, sacrifices which were accepted by Logan, in order for his goals to be met, in order to justify some of his actions. Look through American history, this is not uncommon, and if I knew more about World History, I'm sure I could mention a few other instances where this is true. Here are a few famous ones

-In 1898, the USS Maine explodes while off the coast of Spanish-controlled Cuba. US uses this as an excuse to start the Spanish American war. It is later revealed that the Maine actually exploded from the inside, implying some dirty business on the part of the United States. Minor note: thus began the ridicule of Puerto Rico and future "Shut up, Jose, my country owns you" jokes. No, really, I'm not bitter

-Pearl Harbor: I don't usually buy into conspiracy theories, but plenty of people believe the US knew about the coming attacks and let it happen as a means for us to have a reason to join WW2 (not that I think we really needed it)

- Some documents were released a short time ago revealing a meeting between Tony Blair and President Bush in mid 2001 or so. It details their plans to go to war with Iraq, specifically detailing their search for a justifiable reason to go to war. Among the plans thrown out by the leaders of the Western World: painting a US or British plane with United Nations colors, and having the plane fly low in order to be shot down by the Iraqi's, thus having the Iraqi's instigating the war.

This is the first instance I can think of where 24 has gone outside of the "Look how awesome Jack Bauer is and now the world is safe" storyline, and has put more of an emphasis on Presidential abuse of power, concession of essential rights, a Machiavelian "Ends Justify the Means" view of politics.

Season one was about Jack and Nina, Jack and Presidenial Candidate Palmer, Jack and Terri, Jack and his daughter, infiltration, moles, and especially: snipe shots. Maybe Season one wasn't the best, but it knew what it was good at and it stuck to it. Let me explain.

I'm reading a book by Douglas Rushkoff titled "Get back in the Box". It's a business book (Nerd Alert!), and it talks about how so many companies fail because they ignore the core competencies that made them successful int he first place. Companies start thinking they're bigger than they are, that they can offer more than they do. The world's leading Advertising company in the 70's got so power hungry and cocky that they stopped being an advertising company.

Take Seinfeld, for instance. Seinfeld was a show about nothing, but they were debatebly the most popular show of all time, at least of my generation. Now what if Seinfeld had forgotten that what they provided was a show about nothing, and they had done a spinoff with George and another with Kramer, and the show switched it's focus. One could argue that this is what happened with the Seinfeld finale. The final show wasn't about nothing. The finale Seinfeld homage wasn't Seinfeld at all, it was everything every other show has ever done, and that's why it was such a big flop: Seinfeld got away from (at least in the last episode) what made them so successful.

And in short, I think that's what happened to Jack Bauer and 24. I fell in love with 24 season was because Jack Bauer was what every hero should always be: tragic. He wasn't a good husband, he wasn't a good father. He was a self-righteous government agent who trusted the wrong people and paid for it.

Now what is Jack bauer? He's an extreme killing machine, detached from all emotion, capable of doing anything with the help of his ridiculously ugly and annoying sidekick Chloe. He has no relationships outside of Audrey. He has no family. I know, he's not perfect, and I think they tried to show this when Kim made her (thankfully) short appearance on the show this season. But even that was forced. Nothing that happened was Jack's fault, but Kim still pinned it on him. It's like people who are faced with facts on why their feelings are stupid but won't accept it:

"Why DIDN'T YOU GET ME THE F*&*ING SPRITE FROM THE STORE?!?!"
"Cuz the store didn't have any, and I wasn't about to drive 20 miles in 2 feet of snow when we have Diet Pepsi in the Fridge"
"...I know.... But Still... I hate you"

It's almost like they know they need to keep Jack human, but have gone too far in making him super-human. And this blog is a perfect example of how they've failed to do this. We compare Jack's awesomeness to "Chuck Norris facts",
we make up catchy phrases like "Keep it Jack", or as with my first post on this blog, we refuse to call Jack by his real name, as it is a disservice to the omnipotent being that is JB.

So here's where I stand: after careful deliberation, I've decided that the Logan development is actually quite ingenius, but ultimately misguided, and 24 continues to separate itself from it's core competencies. I'm willing to ride out the rest of the season, and who am I kidding, I'll probably watch it until the show ends. But I'd like to see more things like what we saw in season one.

Word to JB

-Big Ho

PS, i've decided to put together an "alltime worst rotation" for the Red Sox since I've been a fan, and here's what I've come up with. Some basic rules:

1) You can't choose guys who made like 2 starts in their career
2) These players must have spent at least a whole season as a Red Sox, must have been considered a part of the rotation
Here's my rotation:

1) Frank Castillo
2) Hipolito Pichardo
3) Rolando Arrojo,
4) Pete Shourek
5) Casey Fossum

I'm insane

Somebody Has to Talk About This Week

2006-04-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, since nobody has stepped up, I guess I will have to come through. I don't have a ton to comment on this week's episode, but I'm currently in a Con Law class and there isn't much else to do.

My big question about this week: Why does Droopster sound intelligent and confident when being sneaky, yet still stupid and out-of-touch when he is under his "President" persona?

I really don't know what to think about this. Initially I thought that it is trying to make him into a decent villian. He could be one of the only other holdovers after this season, so why not make him act intelligently and end up getting away to his estate in Andora, Spain, or something like that. Then he could become a threat to America.

My other thinking is that this is supposed to be a commentary on politicians in America right now. On the face many of them seem unintelligent, passive, stubborn to ideas, and ulitmately just not good leaders. But are they actually smarter than we ever expected, doing the things that emperors and kings did? (In emperors and kings, I mean the shady behind the scenes things that get done, like killing off people who work against you [like palmer] and faking attacks to strengthen people's support) I don't really know where they are going to go with this season, but this Presidential stuff is somewhat keeping me on my toes.

Also, who is gonna be President for next season? I think my "President Bauer" may have been a little aggressive, but it will happen before the show ends. My mother actually thinks that Buchannon will be the President somehow next season. And then he will do something shady with Audrey and she will get in some trouble with terrorists, and they JB will have to whoop some ass.

Well, my humor is lacking lately, because finals are creeping up and the Uniform Commercial Code isn't very interesting. One thing funny: am I the only person who didn't realize that Palmer was in Major League as Pedro? I saw this online the other day and was astounded (I also haven't watched the movie in a couple years, but I should know this stuff).

Thats all for now,
A dash

Over-analysizing

2006-04-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

So Droopy is behind everything. Unexpected? Definitely. Believable? Mmm, no.

With this new plot development, the complexity of this season’s plot just broke new ground on the “all-time ridiculous-schemes-in-entertainment” scale. What I mean is that S5 baddies’ plan just surpassed the “Ocean’s 11” heist in practicality and “The World Is Not Enough” in believability. I mean, is the character “Pres. Logan” really able to act “shocked and awed” in face of the days events? I don’t think so. However, maybe I’m inadvertently explaining a season-long phenomenon here: the actor who plays Pres. Logan is such a good actor that the famous “Droopy face” is, in fact, a face that the character is making as he attempts to act within the show. You know what I’m saying? No? Your head just exploded, too? Damnit.

So anyways, the plan is just “too much.”

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe the monkeys-writing-Shakespeare experiment just stumbled upon something brilliant. We’ll have to wait and see. There’s still a bunch of show left for them to have Kim fall into an animal exhibit at a zoo, have Novick unexpectantly kill Aaron (the coolest character left) in a cowboy style duel, and bring Nina back from the dead.

Yikes.

???

2006-04-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. The president? Why? I swear it was the vice president and everyone else was on that train, I don't care who you are everyone was pinning it on the vp. He's such a political bastard but wait, now we have the president being even more a tart than he was before? Seriously, what has happened. I think I can say that nobody has any idea where they're taking this now, and that troubles me.

Something to ponder: When does JB refuel? SUVs don't exactly have the best mileage...

a good day

2006-04-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

A not so realtime prescription for a case of the mondays:

11:00A Telling your boss that you're not working next Tuesday b/c you're going to Opening Day at Fenway.
3:00P Schilling seeming like the Schilling of old (at least over the radio).
7:15P Watching a Hurling?!? team run laps at the park near your appt.
8:00P Eating BBQ meatball sub for dinner (with American cheese).
8:42P Understanding a little bit more about Prison Break
9:35P Hearing a deep voice mysteriously saying "UPGRADE!!" halfway through your favorite show. Oh, wait, that was me.

BULLSHIT

2006-04-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

That's all I'm saying to last night's episode. It never happened. Bullshit. I needed a night to think this over, but now I'm pissed. This is the most disappointed I've been Television since Soul Train came on every saturday morning to signal the end of cartoons.

They'd better have something good lined up for this lastest "twist", or I'm bailing ship and pretending season Five never happened, just like the last Rocky Movie and the Star Wars "prequels"

-Big Ho

Prison Break

2006-04-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. Droopster decided to put himself on the map of the mega-twists. I really don't have much of a reaction to this episode, other than I can't wait to see Jack Bauer versus a tank next week. The following is what i was writing during the beginning of this weeks episode, I actually had that little faith in 24 for this week that I was writing while the show was going on and not really paying attention. It's my feelings on Prison Break:

OK, so this is my first quasi-non-24 post. And it will be very quick. But after ripping Prison Break a couple weeks ago, I would like to make a short list of reasons why it is actually better than 24 right now.

1 - Mike "Still Tippin on Four-Fours" Jones was on the show

2 - Micheal "I have the largest tattoo ever" Scofield is quite possibly more itelligent than every character on 24 right now , even miss-sexual-harrassment-sassy-ginnger-from-CalTech (except JB, which doesn't even need mentioning).

3 - Pretty good lookin group of ladies, with a lawyer and a doctor taking care of the fellas. And they put out, which apparently never happens on 24 (and thinking of stuff that doesn't happen on 24: eating, sleeping, urination, taking a breather... but oh wait, they have dealt with cougars before)

In closing, the Break grew on me when it started, but now it's starting to be my Monday night show. The Droopster will go down and his wife will be the reason. My prediction on season six... prepare yourself... for this... President Bauer. Momma Faison thinks that he will be on secret service, but then she remembered The Sentinel, and said that JB won't appreciate talking into his wrist that much.

Wait for it, and when it happens, remember that I said it.

Thats all for now,
- A dash

The Following Took Place Between 9PM and 10PM on the show formerly known as 24. A.K.A. Keep Your Blog To Yourself In the Workplace

2006-04-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, ya know what? I've heard a lot of talk this week about how terrible "24" has gotten and how nus all the women are in the show, but it's got to stop here. Don't get me wrong. I agree whole heartedly. "24" has hit bottom and is currently lying in an alley sipping a forty with Fred Savage and the former dancers for New Kids On the Block. The writers have lost their minds as well as the ability to play with my emotions (and if I were their parent they would lose their priveleges to play video games and watch Everybody Loves Raymond during dinner). But you know what? NONE OF THAT MATTERS! Because 24 took itself to a place I never thought they'd go this week: ANTI-SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.

Two words: Sherry Roethlisberg. As if to make up for Hot Carrie's quick entrance/exit, "24" has given us Sherry to replace Edgah. Sherry is best described as follows: You know that chick from Sliders and Numb3rs? You know how she's cute, but whenever you looked at her there was just somethin' sliiiightly off about her that didn't put her over the top? Sherry is that girl version 2.0 with the somethin' dead on. She's also from Cal-Tech and has accused Homeland Skeaz-urity Agent of sexual harassment. She's the perfect storm.

Before we get to the amazing moment at the end of the show, we have to wade through the first forty minutes. Soon after Aubdrey is taken into custody, Jack rushes in the room, and makes like Wayne Palmer (chokes a bitch). Without any needles, guns, lamps or batteries, Jack gives her the Larry David "stare down to see if someone's telling the truth" look and proclaims her innocent. This is proof that Jack Bauer has lost his edge. Next time he runs into terrorists, he's more likely to pull out the Care Bear Stare than dual hand guns. Next, Jack tries to fight off some CTU security in order to keep Aubdrey from further torture. To me, this is a perfect example of how important intangibles such as motivation and determination affect an athlete or, in his case, Killing Machine. Ordinarily, Jack could takeout three terrorists no problem. Not even an issue, just one, two, three, and then hitup a KFC for a snacker or two. But when he faces off against these three CTU agents, he rattles off one choke slam before getting tangled and tazered. So what happened? Easy. Jack doesn't give a crap about Aubdrey or the show this season. It was a good faith action, taken only so he could count on Aubdrey down the stretch and keep his audience happy. If Jack Bauer played his heart out every year, he'd easily surpass Hank Aaron's home run record...or something like that.

Sexual Harassment update: Home-landsecurity-star Runner confronts Chloe about the alleged sexual harassment case and I make the joke, "How funny would it be if it's all crap and 24 takes a sexual harassment suits are bullshit stance?"...foreshadowing..I learned about this in school.

The terrorists now take over a gas distribution plant, killing everyone in their way and convincing some dude to help them set off the nerve gas. Here's the PSA the govt needs to have on tv and radio right now: Andy Dick, a cast member from ER, and that chick from Just Shoot Me saying - "If terrorists currently running rampant through your city resulting in a curfew come upon you, shooting your friends and asking for you to do whatever it is they want you to do, don't do it, because they're just going to kill you as soon as you've given them what you wanted....The..more..you..knoooow."

Aaron and Wayne Palmer find each other in the woods and buddy up. Were there multiple objects in the air making it difficult to focus on any one? because 24 just dropped the ball. How do you not show us how Wayne got that gun (and throaty killer voice)? Instead they show us Jack and Abdrey making up, proving that somehow their relationship is more resilient than Nickelodeon Gak. Will somebody please show Jack the new girl Sherry, so he can move on? Sherry alerts Buchanan that most nerve toxins become inert under high pressure...JUST LIKE PRESIDENT DROOPY DOG! I'm still waiting for Aaron to confront him and say, "You were elected president??" and having him say, "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Ok, so the next five minutes of action sequence were ridiculous. Yes, I was happy for the action and yes, I know i've been asking for more action scenes, but they choreographed it EXACTLY like a video game. I felt like I was watching a screenshot from 24: The Game, and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time, I was totally rocking out to the soundtrack during this week's show, as it continues to rule. I want to go driving, wash dishes, and label mail at work to the 24: Season 5 soundtrack. There's a major shootout in the control room, but the gas is still released making me wonder why they didn't call in The Unit for this infiltration? I am convinced that a cross-over 24, The Unit, The West Wing, show would takeover television forever. It would be one constant television reality. All the CSI's and Law and Orders could be integrated as well, creating one single fictional television america, operating on a 24 hour a day integrated progression. And yes, it would always include the awesome Jack Bauer running away from explosions like T1000 shot, because that was awesome.

Anyway, Jack and Bezerko blow up towards each other, Bezerko pulls the fake knocked out gig which Jack apparently didn't learn from Tony about, and then stuff blows up while Jack and Bezerko make out in the back of the Bezerko's toyota. End of show. Oh, but wait, we seem to have skipped over a scene.

Just after Sherry uses her Cal-Tech chem knowledge to find the gas plant, Buchanan praises her good work and gives her a slight touch on the shoulder, leading to me already starting to laugh when she says it: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong. He shouldn't have done that."......BAMMM! BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! 24 just Shaq-Fu'd the television viewer audience. Laughter commenced, phone calls were made, and 24 made my night. 24 officially just took an anti-sexual harassment in the workplace stance and set back the women's movement eighty years. And ya know why they did it, I bet? Because we wouldn't see it coming. Bravo, "24", you got us again. And surprises are what makes television shows good, right? Right?

Just remember: Fact: "If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12"." Season Five is making me question if that is true anymore.

Keep It...Palmer,
Witz

PS. Funniest fact I've read recently: "The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music."

Chasing the Dragon: Real Time, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How 24 Got Big

2006-04-01T04:58:00.000-08:00

The following attempts to explain the illicit pattern of substance abuse on "the Show formerly known as 24."

Events occur in real time.

“Just for a second, just to see how it feels” (Season 1)
Surnow and Cochran took a huge gamble with 24. The show was so loosely thrown together that that Sarah Clarke (Nina) had to wear her own clothing during the entire season. (Imdb that one. I dare ya.). Anywho, during Season 1, the creators were like the flying dog from Half Baked. Except that they weren’t on Sampson’s stuff. These stoners were high on “doing the completely unexpected.”
And we loved it.
Some prime examples of Season 1’s glory: Gaines caps Rick’s buddy. Jack in the limo. Rick helps Terri and Kim escape from Gaines. Dennis Hopper’s Victor Drazen. And finally, Nina kills Terri.

“We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons” (Season 2)
At this point, S & C were rolling. Literally.
Choice cuts: Marie Warner (of Nickelodeon’s “Fifteen”-fame), not the Middle-Easterner Reza, is the terrorist. Mason flies his Cessna to glory. CTU fakes murdering the one terrorist’s wife and kids.
However, Season 2 also had some notable “questionable” calls.
Examples: Lynn takes a fall (and reappears in Prison Break). Nina’s back?!? And obviously, Kim and the cougar.

“I don’t even know what’s goin’ on” (Season 3)
Season 3: the worst season… before this one, of course. As cool as the Russian Roulette scene was, S & C have a siri-ous problem here. We, the viewers, should have seen the signs (Jack and H??) and intervened.
Chasing the Dragon: Kim works for CTU. Nina’s back… AGAIN?!? Nina attacks CTU with a computer virus. Gael’s wife kills Saunders in CTU. And the precursor to the debauchery of this season: Jack kills Nina. Yikes!

“Back in the Saddle” (but what color was the horse?...Season 4)
At the beginning of this season, it seemed that S & C may have recovered from the atrocious S3. We got a revamped CTU (Curtis, Edgah, head of CTU from La Femme Nikita, etc) and a new president (what was his name again?). It was almost as though they were distancing themselves from the previous season and saying, “Hey, everyone! We’re in rehab!”
Was all forgiven?
Ah, no. After they roll out Tony (and his Cubs mug), Michelle, Mike “The Skeeze” Novick, and “Oh, wait, is that? It’s Pres. Palmer’s music!” we quickly find out that that S & C’s buddy/brother/mother was smuggling them junk into rehab. (What’s movie reference here?) BTW: how did Kim not make an appearance this season? Was Elisha Cuthbert busy or something?

“Back to the Future” (current season)
In retrospect, we should have seen it coming… the signs were all there. It was only last season that the ghosts of seasons past began their steady march back from hanging out with Mike Tyson in Bolivion. After S4, it was a natural progression to bring back the likes of AARONningstart, Wayne “Choke a Bitch” Palmer, and “Even Jack Hates” Kim. If S & C hadn’t randomly killed her in S3, Nina would probably be back. Quick Question: Where’s Chase and his MegaMan arm?
Alas, fellow bloggers, 24 is no more. We are unfortunately stuck with “The show formerly known as 24,” a shadow of its old self. And, like many of our favorite addicts in the creative arts, 24 will end up: choking on its own vomit (numerous), blowing its head off with a shotgun (obvious), attempting to drink 40 shots of vodka (John Bonham), decaying for days before anyone notices (Layne Staley), dying for a few minutes in a hotel (Slash), or doing whatever Scott Weiland ultimately does to kill himself.

Conclusion:
As I have masterfully proven, we are stuck in the back of a mid-80’s Camaro with a drunk “Show” at the wheel. (“I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You’re in the backseat.”) And we can’t get out.
But that fact won’t stop us from hoping: hoping that S & C can put down the pipe, check into rehab, and go out on top… without unretiring and playing for the Wizards.

-Anyone for a hit of Season 6: Operation Nightfall? I’ll warm up the spoon.

-JKow

"The Sentinel" Is Going to Rock Our Worlds

2006-03-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

I can't remember the last time I saw a preview for a movie and spontaneously started jumping around like a little girl giggling, "omigod, omigod, omigod!!!" But that's what happened the other day when all of a sudden a preview came on the television for The Sentinel. The film stars Kiefer Sutherland as some sort of counter terrorist unit federal agent type do-sweeter. Sounds like 24 which could go either way, but here's the glory: Michael Douglas is the co-star. While Michael Douglas is most likely a womanizer, cheating, egotistical bastard, I love the man on film. From Wall Street to The Game to Wonder Boys, the man can act, and i'm constantly happy with his work. The combo of Kiefer and Michael Douglas made me not only giggle and jump around the apartment, it made me have to run over and call somebody. Like I just got engaged or got a job or had my first taste of red meat on pizza.

The Sentinel is like 24: The Movie without suffering the indignation which comes with making a full film out of a tv show. Coincidentally, last week I made a reference to the made for tv movie that Saved By the Bell did before going off the air, and this week I see an ad for a 24 ripoff movie? A) I'm the man and B) I'd say 24 is definitely in its last season. Aside from everybody being dead, Kiefer has started looking for other work, and with typecasting in full effect, who would ever want to see Kiefer on a small screen again, when he can shoot, kill, torture, swear and bare his nudicles on the big screen? 24 is back...only it's not called 24 and I have to pay money to see it...but i'll be the first in line when Kiefer and Michael face off.

Keep It Jack (or whatever his new character's name is),
Witz

Slapping the 24 writers with a section 112

2006-03-29T12:10:00.000-08:00

Remember when Curtis slapped Rudy with a section 112 and stripped him of his command? I'm doing that to the writers of 24 right now, right this instant. But here's the problem, I don't know what a section 112 is. I mean, they could have accused Rudy of a dozen legitimate things, like "being way too short" or "filling CTU with homo-eroticism" or "being a really terrible annoying character". Either of those work. But I'm assuming a section 112 refers to an employee or member of the organization losing control of a situation, where subsequently someone must say "Hey, hey you, sit the F*$% down and let me take over for a while. That's right, sit in the corner, bitch".

And with that definition in my head, I'm slapping the creators / writers of 24 with a section 112.

Fellow bloggers, fans of 24, Jack Bauer followers, Gentlemen and Gentlewomen, it's time we did somethign about this atrocity we call 24: Season Five. I'm tempted to carry this out like a trial for crimes against humanity with we, the bloggers, as the lead prosecutors, but frankly, I don't have the time. As such, I invite you all to take the torch and run. Instead, i will present my thoughts in Bulletpoint format.

-When Aubrey was named as the inside person in CTU / DOD, for the first time in weeks, I was PUMPED! Sure, the whole "Jack's female interest being a terrorist" role has been played out. It was so good the first time, that I'm glad they dropped it. Frankly, Aubrey cannot pull off the terrorist thing like Nina Myers could. She was dark and sinister in a sexy way. So on one side, I loved the plot twist, but on the other side, Aubrey just can't pull it off. That's like being the royals and you've had Ruben Gotay playing second base for a whole season, so Allard Baird announces you've acquired a second baseman! Only... it's Mark Grudzielanek, and he sucks, just not as bad as Ruben Gotay. That's what we are, my friends. We are a group of fans following a once-proud franchise of people who lost their way.

-There was a new hot chick introduced recently, and let me just say that she is REALLY Hot. But, like Carrie, I knew not to get attached cuz something would go wrong shortly after her introduction to the show. Sure enough, there it is. We all thought the sleazy looking dude from Homeland Security sexually harassed her, right? Well, after curiously-hot-CalTech-grad saves the day by finding the natural gas plant, Bill "The Man" Buchanon" gets so excited he brushed her shoulder. To which she responds "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong"

...

That would be shocked silence coming from Big Ho. It took them 34 minutes to change "curiously hot chick" into "ok, now I get it" chick. I mean, come on. This is crazy. If you're gonna give a girl baggage, don't make it baggage that every man watching is going to get uncomfortable with. Make her a nympho that can't get enough sex. Make her a hardcore baseball fan. Give her a shoe addiction, make her a cage fighter, something!

And this is just part of a trend with 24. They have been unable to sustain anything good for more than a quarter of an episode. CTU got attacked by Centox! Holy crap! Edgar is dead! Rudy is dead! WOW!! Wait... wait what? They killed Tony? Is this for real. F*%& this s*!t

Audrey is the spy! The daughter of the secretaty of defense sold the country out! Oh man! Oh Crap! Wait... they already did this. Oh, you mean she's not the spy? Oh, and she forgave Jack in like 13 seconds for throwing her against the wall and bitching her our for being a slut? Great, keep up the good work, gentlemen.

-This season has featured:

1) The death of some of the coolest characters to ever grace a TV screen

2) Some of the most randomly generated Terrorists of all time

3) Said terrorists have nothing special about them, no evilness, no creepyness, no "this guy is completely capable of doing absolutely anything at any time"-ness about them. They're just a weird looking dude with a blond haircut and cheesy accent. What happened to the mummy? What happened to the Drazens? What happened to Nina Myers? Did the 24 people think they could just throw a random terrorist up there and we would just be scared?

4) I'm calling it right now: Jack is becoming a wuss. And I've realized something: Jack Bauer is the embodiment of America. Jack was once a man's man, capable of shooting old women in the knee caps, capable of killing anything that moved without feeling bad, a torture expert, and more importantly, a complete emotionally unattached killing machine. What is he now? He's broken.

Jack: TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!!
Audrey: I didn't do it Jack! I love you
Jack: NO! TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!
Audrey: Jack... no....
Jack: Ok, guys. She's innocent!

What the hell, JACK!? Are you really willing to sell your country out like that? I know you were furious cuz the traitor got some nookie, but come on. Ridiculous. But really, isnt that what's happened to the United States? Completely overreact, overly violent, we'll eat anything we're told with a spoon, and then we apologize like bitches cuz we're afraid of hurting people's feelings.

One last thought before I leave this: If Curtis doesn't start kicking some ass REALLY soon, he's going to become the Corey Patterson of the 24 world. Curtis got a lot of credit for looking like an absolute badass, much like Patterson had gotten a lot of credit for having "tools" and "athleticism". But what has Curtis done? Nothing. If he doesn't start performing (I.e. working a walk every now and again and maybe start inching that OBP over .290) I may send him to 24 purgatory.

Hollah at a playa when you see him in the street

-Big Ho

P.S. Some of you will notice that I no longer refer to Jack Bauer as JB, per my first post in this blog so many episodes ago. As Stephen Colbert would say: Jack Bauer, you're on notice.

Women have lost their goddamn Minds

2006-03-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm at the end of my rope with 24. Jack did return to his Bauer-esque torturing and terrorist-owning statuse, but the chicks (sorry girls who read this) are going crazy. As is my usual, a simple list of the zany ladies that fill the 5th day in the 24 universe:

1) Kimpossible - now suffering from post-traumatic-jack-disorder, she is drawn to her porn star like psychiatrist or therapist or analyst (maybe an "analrapsit"... second consecutive shout to Arrested). Didn't even hang around CTU after almost dying to say, "Hey pops, glad you are still alive and saved my porn star boyfriend's life."

2) Chloe - grumpiest of the grumpsters. But she may be losing the grumpness, on the pure fact that she is one of the only holdovers and people are just getting used to her ugly mug and scowl. Like the fact that she stood up for the busty-ginger (who is obviously crazy as well). Even though I am starting to hate her less, I present some actual quotes from my roommate about her:
"Gross, I don't know how you watch this show with this bitch on it"
"Again, fuck, get her off the screen."
"There are so many hot girls in the world, and they pick her, she isn't even a good actress, she just looks like she is doing what she does everyday."
"Dude, I have to go in the other room, she is that gross."

3) Audrey - also suffered from post-traumatic-jack-disorder by hooking up with former chief of staff Will "I'm Cummings on you." (I thought of that 10 minutes into this episode and have been giggiling ever since). Not too crazy, but she cries too much for me. Also, she is way too forgiving for a woman. Oh wait, Jack tortured and killed your husband (they were still married at the time), Jack faked his death and didn't tell you, and Jack smacked you around for selling information to a little vixen. Yeah, she's crazy for being in the same building as Jack.

4) Michelle - shit, the most normal is also the most dead.

5) Female terrorists - Subcategories on this one.
The vixen right now. Didn't she have a gun in her face last episode and she said Audrey gave her the info? Now this time, oh wait it was robocop that gave me the info. Stupid.
Nina Fuckin Meyers. Don't even get me started. Nothing will crush me more than the final hour of season 1 (just remember where you were when you watched it, then think about this season... crap).
Every other CTU vixen that got caught. Obviously they weren't good at what they did, so Jack took them down. Just crazy for thinking they could get past Jack Bauer.

In closing, women on veinte cuatro (24 for those of you who no hablo espanol) are bonkers. In terms of this week, he is fine. No way they are gonna keep the show going sans-Bauer. I couldn't deal with watching Chloe look at a computer screen for an hour a week.

In JB I trust,
- A dash

The Following Took Place Between 8PM and 9PM the Week After I Broke Up With 24, but then Gave It Another Shot Because It Cried

2006-03-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on??? The show started with a "Welp, I guess Tony's dead, moving on" and ended with a "Jack sure knows how to pick em" ending. Why do I keep getting the feeling that they're trying out that "Monkeys writing Hamlet" theory and having 20 chimps typing furiously away until something vaguely resembling a 24 episode emerges?

The episode starts out with Jack leaving Tony's warm corpse to go track down a terrorist who is so diabolical that she gives customs the ACTUAL name of the hotel she's staying at. There's a logical plot gap for ya. He rushes off to meet Curtis without even saying a single goodbye to the daughter he was just reunited with and might lose again in the next 15 minutes if things go badly. Fact remains: Even Jack hates Kim. Remember, Jack chose to climb into air vents possibly filled with deadly gas rather than spend half an hour in a room with Kim last week. So he rushes out of CTU while Barry's laying some pipe in the CTU Murder Room (not to be confused with the CTU Morgue which is more commonly known as CTU Medical Room).

Next we get some luscious Droopy Dog footage as he follows the VP's advice and alerts the media that a curfew is being put into effect for LA County. He, does, however deliver the best acted line of his career, saying, "Are you crazy?" to his wife, who hours before he accused of actually being crazy.

Jump ahead to the homeland security folks arriving at CTU. Thanks guys, I can't get enough of your "Asshole superiors inexplicably treating a well-established government organization like shit" plotlines. I can only describe the new "annoying/bad guy" from homeland security as a Goober. Chloe starts to talk back to him before realizing that her character will probably be dead in the next hour or so, so she hands over her ID card to a guy who says, "Egdah's dead, so I guess I can take his seat," showing his full sensitive side by adding, "Holy crap, this seat is so short and wide, was this Edgar a fat sack of fat or what?? I'm serious Chloe, I am from Homeland Security, answer me!"

Mrs. Droops tells Aaron she doesn't trust the VP followed by Wayne's World Palmer calling up A-Train and telling him he needs to see him in person. Meanwhile the VP says, "Don't worry, we're aware of the legal situation, our people are working on it right now" with such menace that I had to laugh. I mean, c'mon, 24 just tried to make, "Are you aware of the subtleties of the constitutional law process" scary and imposing.

Next, Me-so Mischa Barton and the soon to be found out undercover German agent aka German Jesus, part ways, leading to the inevitable Mischa Barton: Part Deux being a terrorist who will get taken down by Jack. Do we even have to see this plot play out? Hot Terrorist Women are the equivalent of the Spanish Announcer's Table in wrestling. They do their usual routine on the sideline until all of a sudden they're slammed into by Jack Bauer (and that's in a confusingly sexual-inuendo free way. I mean, c'mon, Jack did heroine, but he can't hook up with a single terrorist chick? Apparently terrorist women are the single hottest demographic in the world besides "Deal or No Deal Girls". Even Nicholas Cage banged the drug dealer's wife in Face-Off!) and left wondering how this could happen.

On to the terrorists whose script sounds like it was written by Flowers For Algernon. "Do' she' ha' da schematics an' access codes?" "Ye." Could they write the plot exposition any more obviously? They might as well say, "Ok, let's recap." And ramble off everything that's happened so far and what will happen next. They DO however show us schematics and say, "Here is where the bomb will go off" pointing to a vague area on a map. Unfortunately, they're foreign and out of touch, so they selected The Staples Center during an LA Kings game. 40 people will die while wondering why nachos taste so good when they're dipped in that spicy nacho cheese. I can't help going back to them saying that 200,000 people die, which is still the worst act of 24 terrorism around. Why did they lower the bar? Remember when EVERY NUCLEAR POWER PLANT IN AMERICA was supposed to melt-down? Now the terrorists are trying to wipe out the audience at an Eminem concert. I wouldn't put it past Fox to have them bombing the American Idol Finale. I also wouldn't fault the terrorists.

WHAT MOVIE WAS THE HOMELAND SECURITY WOMAN FROM? The Bourne Identity? Man, that's gonna bother me. J-Kow, you're on it.

I'm about to Buch-anon all over the place. Another ousting of the CTU head plot. 24 needs a "Hawaiian Vacation" episode so badly right now. Can someone please get Dustin Diamond on the phone? Maybe Zak Morris' cell phone that the terrorists always use has him on speed dial.

There is an inverse proportion of 24 show quality and 24 music quality. The soundtrack is owning this season.

Curtis is jumped by German Jesus and immediately takes a Black Chuck Norris pose while the guy is holding a gun. "Never bring Bear Claw Technique to a gun fight" Sean Connery says. This just proves that Curtis needs more to do so he stops wasting all his time on the internet looking at Top 30 Fact sites.

German Jesus says he can't give Jack the info because he can't risk German lives. Jack says they'll be risking 200,000 American lives. Which got me thinkin. Is there ever going to be a time when The Holocaust CAN'T be thrown back in the German faces as a rebuttal? It's the "Infiniti+1" of world politics.

Is "Unan1mous" really just Saw: The TV Series? On another note, I'm so much happier wanting to see Bones than actually ever sitting down to watch Bones.

Can we cut out the line between "Lemme have a minute with the terrorist/informant/etc. alone" and "Alright"? Is the "Jack, what are you doing?" really still necessary? We know what he's doing. He's either talking or torturing. There aren't any fruit roll-ups getting passed around that you're gonna miss out on by leaving the room.

Chloe spills coffee on Goober Agent who says, "What's wrong with you??" I guess the 24 writers still have a little power over me because I actually respond to the tv, "How about she just survived a nerve gas attack and 60% of CTU is dead!" I think this officially makes me a middle-aged black woman.

Me-so Mischa Barton gives the terrorists the pass key for the whatever, i don't know what's happening on the terrorists end, but I do know that nobody shoots her on the way out. What the hell is wrong with these terrorists? Nobody survives the post-giving information or services phase of the evil plan, especially hot contract terrorists!

The VP thanks "Governor" on the phone for enforcing the curfew. I can't help but laugh knowing that "Governor" is Ahnold. It's just a matter of time before he gets involved and takes out the conspiracy all by himself. Also, has anyone else noticed that the Vice President looks EXACTLY like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It's uncanny.

"Miss Hayes, that's not a threat, that's a FACT!" Sick quote. Fact: Even Jack Bauer Reads "Jack Bauer Facts". For a guy who "Doesn't work for CTU" Jack sure does work for CTU. "There will be repercussions!" Hayes tells Jack. "Fine!" Jack responds, adding, "besides killing my wife, making me shoot heroine, faking my death, killing all of my friends, and having my daughter get schtooped by a skeazy porn-star, what repercussions will I be facing?"

Who cut funding to these terrorists??? THERE IS NO WAY that Me-so Mischa Barton doesn't get sniped out in the open like that in seasons 1-4. NO WAY. Did Terrorist Sniper School hold students back this year? Did they recruit football players instead of capable riflemen? Is there a Jay Feely of snipers out there, firing so wide under pressure that nobody even knows he's shooting? This is totally unacceptable. The three things that make 24 what it is: Jack Bauer, Torture, and Snipers. Often a combination of the three. The torture is lacking, Jack Bauer is calming down, and Snipers are off the map.

Now the Wayne Palmer (Jeff Golfblum in Independence Day) getting owned by the "Oasis Shuttle." If this were the 24 game, somebody set the Terrorists to "Sporadically Dangerous." The van somehow chases down Wayne's sportscar and drives him off he road. Even OJ made it for a few hours on the freeway in a Ford Bronco. The terrorists (well, Krang's minions) shoulda shot him while he was driving though, because unless PreFontaine is in that van, nobody's gonna catch up to Palmer running through those woods.

I've been dreading getting to it, but finally, Jack interrogates Barton by saying, "We're running out of time" as non-chalantly as I've ever heard. He decides not to torture her because...well nobody knows why really, and decides to give her Immunity For Schematics-- the deal, not the future Indie band. NO DEAL! (it's always No Deal) She concludes by dropping the "fact" that Aubdrey sold her the information. Boy does Jack know how to pick em. Now there's obviously no way that Aubdrey is a terrorist. Not only would it be repetitive plot, but she hasn't even managed to be in the room where the cameras are for most of the season, so I'd be surprised if she could find her way to any useful information. However, if 24 tries to pull that she is a terrorist, I will be forced to turn this blog into the 60 Minutes blog (also in real time). Andy Rooney is the terrorist (definitely worse than Berserko), and Ed Bradley is Jack Bauer-- they even have that ticking clock! Anyway, next week is the real-time, real-time episode, so I expect a better episode, but who knows. This season has been the "Limbo" of television shows-- each week they lower the bar a little and see if they can still squeak by without completely falling on their ass. Until next week,

Keep It Jack,
Witz

PS. www.elementandfriends.com is the best ad campaign in years.

There is NO way that Aubdrey is coordinated enough to be a terrorist

2006-03-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

Guys? Hello? Where'd everybody go? Where'd all the postings go?

Maybe you're all "too busy" with your "new jobs" to entertain us anymore.

Or maybe everyone is too angry/sad/depressed to keep watching the show formerly-known-as-"24." (Insert random Prince symbol here:_________)

I pose some questions during this lunchtime post:

-Are the real writers locked up somewhere while their doppelgangers eff everything up?
-Did the "Show" really just brush off Tony "the man" Almedia like that? What an awful death. I don't need to get into this... this fact was beaten into the ground last week. i should note, however, that Tony's death was quite similar to Nina's in Season 3 in that the writers were like "I don't know, what do you think we should do? Eh, let's kill her/him."

i hate this show
-jkow

too mad to think up a clever title

2006-03-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

what the hell happened tonight ?? i feel as if the show took a huge turn in the wrong direction. well, they've been easing into the turn for the past week and finally decided to pull a tyler durden and drive us all into oncoming traffic. german secret agents ? exploding memory cards ?? redundant sexy terrorists [the warner girl from season two is still my favorite] ?? wayne palmer ? you expect a man in a four thousand dollar suit to run through a drainage ditch...COME ON !!

im a little too mad to write anything that makes much sense right now, but is this going to be the final season or what ?? they've left the show entirely on jack's broad, sexy, chissled shoulders...but really...he hasn't even been carrying the load that well this season. and dont even get me started with curtis ? what is he jeane-claude van damme ?? you too scared you'll get your face hurt so you just choose to have your character completely void of all action and plotlines ?? come to think of it where is the action this season ? this time last year, jack had already killed the population of a small country, and this year people like henderson are running right out of ctu while jack is crying on the floor like a little bitch. damn you fox. damn you to hell.

i really dont know where we're going next week but i can only hope it's far from where the show was tonight. so until nine pm comes around, i am pretty sure that twenty-four and i are not speaking.

Wet lists, Wayne's World and Wonderful Vixens

2006-03-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

First, fuck homeland security. Don't really like them in real life, and hate them in 24. I love that they still threaten Jack Bauer with "reprocussions" for his actions. Also, they are fucking Billy Boy Buchannan. He has had his power taken away one too many times for my liking.

Second, how the crap did Chloe get the wet list from NSA with a couple mouse clicks? Did it not take Mr. Tom "Scientology" Cruise as Ethan Hunt, a whole movie to accomplish the same thing? Didn't he have to break into an NSA facility to get it, using a cable system and trying not to produce sweat? Also, although I'm not as upset about Edgah "Doughboy" Stiles being killed, why didn't they just have Chloe killed?

Third, I like seeing "Wayne's World" Palmer back in the mix. He is as shady as they come in the 24 world, but you need a snake to hunt a mongoose (or is it mongoose to hunt a snake). Anyways, he is a snake, and the vice president is a mongoose (or the reverse of that). I like the fact that he is gonna shake things up, and that 24 has decided to bring back every character still alive. Also, apparently he cannot drive a benz faster than an A-Team van, but that is ok.

Fourth, I love that sexy information swapping little vixen. She is sassy and I love that accent. She has a little Mischa "OC" Barton going on, but minus the OC. If I don't get to see Kimpossible, then she will suffice for a couple episodes (where did Kimpossible go anyways, she and Barry are fine now?) And, I won't talk about what this vixen divulges, but how many times are people going to sell information to shady (yet sexy) information dealers?

Finally, I'm tired of the "Unan1mous" commercials. If I was on that show, I would be a poor grown up crack baby that had AIDS and cancer, but a cure would in my future if I could get my hands on that money. No, I would not vote for anybody else, unless I was in a little alliance with the possibility to get a decent cut of the cash. And Prisonbreak, I watched the episode tonight. I'm not impressed. Break out, then the show will be over. Great planning by Fox (the same channel that axed the best comedy on television starring the Bluth family).

Thats all for now.
- A dash

Denial

2006-03-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

The Following Realization Took Place Between 7:00AM and 8:30 AM Several Days After the Writers of 24 Effed Us!

As I told JWitz on the Instant Messenger Thursday night, I feel like my dog died. (Well, I think this is how I would feel… I’ve never had a dog.) I’m so bummed right now that I can’t even write. I mean, I think it took me like 8 tries to put a first sentence down.

You may ask, “Tuesday AM Blogger, why are you so down all of the sudden? Tony died on Monday night.”

And I would respond, “I was in denial. For 3 days.” (My posts from the week clearly prove that point.)

And it’s not as though I just watched a recording for the first time, either. On Monday night, I watched the needle go into Tony’s heart. I saw Jack cry. I dropped an F-bomb, and I slammed my sandals on the Ottoman. I saw it. I reacted. And yet it didn’t register.

He’s not dead. Not Tony.

I don’t know if I rationalized him coming back or something. I mean, Tony wasn’t really trying to kill Henderson with a needle, was he? He was probably giving Henderson something to wake up… so that the bastard would feel cold steel in his mouth before his brains were splattered across the infirmary. Right?

I was in denial. And I didn’t get it until I looked at Tony’s profile… “DECEASED”.

Honestly, I was in a haze my whole ride into work after I read that one word. I was sad that I can’t use Tony “Scarface Montana” Almeida (which I had been holding onto for a week now.) I was embarrassed at the absolute BULLSHIT that I posted this week. And most importantly, I was PISSED!!! Effing TONY! I really want to know wtf the writers were thinking! As JWitz said the other night, “they killed Edgah, Lynn, and Tony in way too short a period of time.” But I counter with, “who gives a isht, THEY KILLED TONY!” Big Ho was completely right, Keifer was crying when Tony died, not Jack.

No Palmer. No Dessler. And now, no Almeida. J-NOT-effing-over-it was completely right: the writers are dicks! And they effed us. (“But dicks also eff assholes”… but that’s not the point here.)

WTF!

Apparently CTU doesn't learn.

2006-03-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

What is truly pathetic in the art of TV writing is how BAD the security is at CTU. Personally, the inconsistencies just anger me. How was Sean Astin able to get back into CTU without his badge/key card? I mean, really... And what about idiot Kim's boyfriend/therapist - what - you just let anyone WALTZ into a highly confidential government building? Lame FOX, so lame. If you think about it, a lot more people would be alive during the CTU series if they just had better security. And what's even more upsetting is the fact that after the first "inside CTU headquarters" death there wasn't some crazy psycho security protocol that was installed. There should be retinal scans or SOMETHING that's less easy to fake than a stupid key card!
Pathetic. Sad. And tragic.

And what's with Jack crying with Tony dying in his arms? When his daughter said that she didn't want to see him again Jack didn't cry? His character is so poorly developed at this point (even though I totally wouldn't cry about losing that whore of a daughter because Tony is/was WAY hotter). Which begs the question, is Jack gay? I mean, you come back after faking your own death, see the woman you loved and you don't try to pull her into those "non-security-camera" rooms and get it on? (btw, the only advantage to have shitty security). There's something missing here... It just doesn't make sense why Jack was all worried and went rushing to Tony, but was avoiding Audrey like she was carrying some infectious disease (no comment). I know you may not like hearing that your testosterone poster child could quite possibly be homosexual, but this is what bad writing does to a person.

My Feelings on an Awful Episode

2006-03-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

Should I feel bad that I was chanting "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" when Leslie was running through CTU to turn off that switch? Should I feel worse that I was doing the same thing when he started dying? And Tony cannot be dead by my standards, no montage of non-beeping at the end of the show, and the fact that he always survives (a mere 8 hours got him past his car exploding).

This had to be one of the worst episodes of 24 in the 5 years (or days have you). People standing in a room in CTU and the President being a bitch is a complete description of that episode. I have very little to comment on, because my observational humor can only go so far. On that note I have some 24 and non-24 stuff to tackle.

First - Edgah is lashing out from the dead (or at least Mr. Lombardi is). An article online has his description of when he learned that he was being killed off. "My character was loved more than any character on that show and you kill him?" Also, "I don't know why they did it," he says. "And, to be honest, I think it's a silly move. I think it's a move that they will probably regret. The character was so loved it's not even funny." He also says that it was an attack on Louis Lombardi, and not just on Edgah. (Read it all at www.thestar.com)

Second - Non-24 related, does anyone here watch The Shield? I'm not the biggest fan of the show, but my roommate insists that a Vic Mackey v. Jack Bauer fight would be one for the ages, and I now agree. So anyways, I was watching last night and one of the guys is going to jail but he opts to go to Mexico instead, no big deal. Then a mere 15 minutes later I was at a bar in Coconut Grove (where to go in Miami when you don't go to South Beach), and that guy was standing right next to me at the bar.
I opened with, "Hey man, I just saw you on TV."
He came back with, "Nice, glad to hear you like the show."
Then I said, "I didn't say I liked the show, I said I just saw you on TV, but I appreciate what you are doing."
He said, "Well do you like the show?"
Me, "It's ok, I'm more of a 24 fan myself. But you boss [Vic] is badass. Are you going to die next week? And why aren't you on South Beach?"
Him, "Yeah he [Michael Chikilis] is pretty badass. I can't tell you if I'm gonna die, or they could take away some of my money. I can't go to South Beach everynight."
Me, "Well, do you want a beer?" (I don't know why I bought an actor a beer, because he could buy me one. I think I was trying to get him to hang out, even though I didn't really have much else to talk to him about)
Him, "Yeah sure, make it a Corona."

So that was my brush with TV greatness last night. There is no way that guy doesn't get killed next week, because he was shooting a new pilot in Miami. Otherwise, I'm still upset about the crappiness of this weeks episode. They need to get Jack back in the field to kick some ass, because he can only choke Barry so many times. They also need to get Kimpossible out in the field, hopefully on a strip club assignment.

- A dash Money

WARNING: Post Contains Potential False Hope. Pregnant Women and Those With Heart Conditions Do Not Read

2006-03-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

Question: Was the shot that Tony prepared for Henderson, but then received himself, simply another shot of what Henderson had already been getting, or was it a totally new drug that would instantly be fatal? If Tony thought that one more dose of what Henderson had already been getting would put him over the edge since he was supposedly in a coma, there is a chance that Tony lives. Are you following me? Because in that case, what would be an OD for Henderson, who had been getting the drug all day, would simply be a large dose for Tony, and not necessarily fatal.

I would not propigate potentially heartbreaking false hope for no reason. Thinking about Tony's character as a writer, it simply doesnt make sense to bring him back for about 5 minutes of screentime just to kill him again. The only reason that I can think of is so that they get to space out the dramatic material better instead of blowing it all in episode 1.

I think they're bluffing. If Tony really is dead, there are only two explainations: 1. The writers are dicks
2. Tony's contract didn't get renewed

I think that might have been what happened with Palmer since he would be busy with the Unit. Yes, that's the only funny sentence in this post.

The only other explaination I have for everyone dying is this: Season 6 takes place entirely in a zombie world, and everyone is back. Someone find out what George Romero is working on.

Fingers crossed,

-JNot-over-it

I'm Holding My Breath For Next Week's Episode to be Good or I'm Leaving...SO WHY THE HELL DIDNT THEY??

2006-03-14T20:12:00.000-08:00

SIRI-OUSLY! I forgot to write this in my first post. Remember how Anonymous Soon To Be Dead Security Guard and Sean Astin held their breath for like 5 minutes? Why didn't they hold their breath for five minutes and LEAVE CTU!??? I don't care if they locked it down or what. You can leave that building or you damn well TRY. You don't just sit there and wait until the floppin and foamin' at the mouth sets in (can Nerve Gas death spasms be referred to as The Foam Dance from now on?). My point is this: You ever take a shower in a communal dorm bathroom and all of a sudden, you know someone just took care of bidness and it's all you can do to not throw-up? What do you do? Do you breath gasping breaths and pass out on the floor that moments before weren't trusted with your bare feet? NO! YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH, FINISH THAT SHOWER, AND GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM because YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! This same principle applies to nerve gas and CTU. It's a flawless analogy.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

The Following Took Place Between 7:00PM and 8:00PM on-- Oh Eff It, I'm Just As Pissed As Everyone Else

2006-03-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

The writers of 24 need to be grounded. Effing grounded. There is a corner in a dark, dank room, in the basement of a building missing its occupants. There's a twelve story building missing its suicide jumpers. There's an abusive parent who can't find his "kids"...too far? Tough. Because life is tough. Just ask Edgah.

Edgah was a love-able fat chump whose fingers were too stubby to even lookup the internet porn he so desperately desired. And he died from nerve gas...that happens to about one in three-hundred million people, but one of them was unlucky in love, unlucky in life Edgah. Edgah didn't have a heart attack Big Ho, he was just too fat to twitch and froth. How can I be so mean to Edgah? Because he isn't real. He's a character invented by naive puppet-masters of a television show. That's the only way I can reconcile what has happened with 24 this season. Life is tough because David Palmer was shot in the first ten minutes of the show. BAM. Thanks for playing. To quote JKow, "He got all 0's in plinko, the bankrupt on wheel of fortune," or the "No Deal" in Deal or No Deal.

I understoof Palmer's death. Tough call, but a HUGE intro, and it got us hooked. Dead Palmer, dead Desler (i'm shocked we didn't turn Desler is a Tesla - Desla nickname). I assumed the writers shocked us and proved that anythng could happen. That's what they told us was the reason for killing Jack's wife at the end of season one, "to show that anything could happen." Except of course Jack dying which is the only surprise I would actually find surprising, especially now. Chappelle, Mason, Astin, Myers, these were good deaths. I remember in the first seasons how I raved about 24 for being able to manipulate us so well and have us hating Tony the first week of the show and loving him the next. Tony.

Tony's dead. Maybe. Maybe not. I feel like if Tony were dead he'd be lying prone on the ground by the end of the episode, otherwise, they're lookin to trick us again. But who knows. And it's not just that Tony might be dead, it's how he died. First of all, he died at the hands of "Manican." By the time Henderson popped out of his faux-ma (fake coma), he'd been pumped so full of drugs that Barry Bonds said, "Damn!" Lying on that medical table, he looked more like one of Barry's Real-Dolls than a living being. Second of all, Tony uses a needle? Why? Wouldn't suffocating him be easier and more satisfying if you choose not to use the gun and make a mess? The "coming out of a coma" death that Tony may or may not have suffered is pure hack work. Most of all, Tony died without serving a purpose. All of the good deaths in 24 were deaths that served some sort of purpose. Dropping a nuke in the desert, meeting the terrorists demands, or most recently, Astin Martin rebooting the computer. Tony's was cheap and meaningless, like some sort of physical relationship that I hear happens at big universities.

And what about Sean Astin? What was that about? Fine, he's dead, good. But did that scene play out like two writers having an argument or what? "We're all gonna die because you were embarrassed to report a missing ID Card???" should have been followed by, "You expect the audience to believe that motivation???" I love 24 plot filling speaches.

Everyone's right. Carrie WAS hot. Now she's dead. Kim is AWFUL (but her hair IS bette). She's still alive and apparently listening to Modest Mouse's "Barry Me". When Jack walked over and grabbed his neck, that was totally off-script. Barry might be a writer cameo. I won't be surprised if Jack goes back to shooting the junk, adopts Barus (where'd Barus go? Is he dead? I forget), and starts hanging around Taco Bells during the day, and killing everybody who makes the "Modern Classic, Good to Go" gesture to the clerk when they order. Or maybe he'll just run off and start killing EVERYONE, testing out different ways to kill as he goes: "Foot through the skull...THAT WORKED!...Icicle in the eye...THAT WORKED!"

I'm fed up with 24. It's times like these that i'm glad we have each other. My only guess as to what is happening is that they're killing off all the characters that wouldn't do voices for 24: The Game. Redeam yourself 24. Help us. We're all suffering...in real-time.

Keep It Jack (because it's all you can count on in this world),
Witz

PS. I don't know if I can handle another "outsider regime taking over CTU plotline" with Homeland Security. I dont even care that the VP is probably a terrorist or that President Droopy in all his terrible-ness (worse than Grape Nuts Cereal)didn't even make my rant this week because everything else was so bad. Just don't give us ANOTHER rerun plot. (and this is coming from a guy who watched all the syndicated Mad About You episodes with him family at dinner).

Liberal arts essays, religious fanatics, and 24-induced tears...

2006-03-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

If I were still at Bates, this particular episode of 24 would have been a perfect subject to base an 8-10 page paper on. Preferably for a Gender Issues or Soc class, but really, liberal arts is liberal arts. After juxtaposing the breathing patterns of Jack (chooses to hold his breath) and newcomer Barry Landes ("Is taking a deep breath your answer to everything?" -Chloe), I'd tie it all together by analyzing Kim Bauer's search for a father figure. Then again, this is coming from a girl who got a C in Cosmology after writing a final paper based around a line from "Dazed and Confused." I'm glad this blog is semi-anonymous.

Back to Barry Landes, I'm still pretty surprised he's not uber Christian. I could have easily seen Kim turning to God in her time of need... especially since she's made such major transformations in the four and a half years we've known her. She's gone from unruly teenager to nanny to highly unqualified CTU agent (HELLO, she dropped out of high school). I don't see why she can't be born-again next.

Also, in my 4 years of watching 24, I don't think I've cried very often during the show. I can't really remember crying at all, except for when that old guy who ran CTU was dying of something or other and had to say goodbye to his son, or almost said goodbye to his son, or something along those lines. And didn't he get shot in the head by Jack by some railroad tracks, or was that another guy? Also, I ALMOST cried when I thought Aaron was dead after the Russian prez's limo was attacked.

ANYWAY, I DID cry when that random security guard was saying goodbye to his daughter. WHAT A CHEAP SHOT, FOX!! I was all cried out by the time Jack Bauer actually shed some tears for Tony, which only made me feel like a bad person.

And PS, how about "24: The Game"???

RIP: Jose's dedication to the show

2006-03-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

My wrath, my fury, they know no bounds.

Last night was the final straw. In the first show, they assasinated President Palmer, who could singlehandedly carry an entire episode by himself. He dealt with a coup d'etat, assasination attempts, terrorists, etc. I don't need to write the man's resume, the name Palmer speaks for itself. So what do they do in the first 10 minutes of the show? They kill him. Oh, Flipping sweet. What next, they're gonna kill Tony?

Well, my friends, that's exactly what they did last night. Some A-hole stuck a needle in Tony's heart and killed him. Did you see Jack Bauer's face? Jack Bauer was more upset when Tony died than when Terry, his wife died. That was a look of pain. And Kiefer didn't have to act. That was the "I can't believe they're killing off every single character who is somewhere redeeming in this show and now we're going down" look. That was the "This show is the only reason my career didn't take a dive like Vlade Divac and now I'm screwed and I'm gonna have to make movies like Taking Lives or more voice overs for The Land Before Time X". You thought I was kidding. Kiefer did one of the voices in Land Before Time 10. Look it up.

Guys, I don't even know what to do. I need someone to talk me off the ledge here. How is it possible that both Palmer and Tony are killed off and CHLOE STILL LIVES?!?!!!?

Through the years, 24 has lacked that real bombshell woman, with the exception of Kim. Except Kim was in highscool during the first show, so frankly, that was wrong. Even to me. So they bring her back this season, right? Except 1) She's an even worse person than she was before 2) She's being banged by a 45-year old porns star posing as a clinical Pyschologist and 3) Her long hair makes her look terrible. SWING AND A MISS!!

Before Kim came, there was Carrie, who was legit bangin'. Her role in the show? She got stabbed in the back 2 hours after her introduction. I'm furious about this. Absolutely furious. And it was Edgah's fault. This has been covered. I'll move on.

One thing I'm thrilled about: Rudy is dead. And his death was actually quite satisying (it does raise some questions, which I'll pose in a second). I loved the image of Rudy convulsing to the floor right before he foamed at the mouth and crumpled to a ball on the floor. It was great. Frankly, that could easily represent Sean Astin's career at this point. Who on earth would hire him? He has quickly become one of the most annoying actors in the business. His role in the Lord of the Rings was... flamboyant. In "50 first dates", I almost punched the screen every time he came on. And now, he was easily one of the least likable characters in 24 history. And you wanna know what?

Tony died because Rudy is a fruit.

Rudy A) Got his ass kicked by some random druggy. Shouldn't this dude have some training? B) He was too stupid / proud to do the right thing and tell CTU that his key-card was stolen

This all led to Tony's death. And that poor security guard who had to say goodbye to his daughter. That was tragic. Why did it happen? Cuz Rudy SUCKS.

When Edgah died, I felt bad. Edgah was just a sexually frustrated computer hacker who couldn't get any. Sure, that lisp was annoying, but that's the worst he had going for him.

Even when some of the bad guys die, I'm upset because I lose entertainment.

When Rudy Died, i was jumping up and down. Ask my neighboors.

One thing about Edgah and his death. Did you see the way Rudy and the guard died? They started shaking violently and then foamed at the mouth, then went into the fetal position and died in a pool of their own saliva, blood and piss. Edgah clutched his heart and fell to a heap, and that was that. My friends, Edgah didn't die from teh Centox gas. He died of a frikking heart attack. This cannot be debated.

I wish I had something funny to add to this blog, but frankly, it's not happening. I haven't cracked a smile the whole time I've been writing this. Not one. Not even a chuckle. If you have laughed at any point leading to this, you're a bad person. You've laughed at my misery and you would do it again. Screw you. You know who you are.

So I just have one question: where does 24 go from here? Is it all Jack Bauer? As mighty as Jack Bauer is, could you go a whole show just following Jack bauer and Chloe? Tony and Palmer had been with us since episode one. We had seen them at their best, we had seen them at their worst, we had seen them kick ass and take names. We had seen them as people. Now, halfway through the second to last season, they're both dead, and we have about 36 more hours.

ANyways, I'm rambling right now because of my fury, sadness, anger, and disappointment. It's good to see Cooper on here though. Coop a loop! We need to have a rematch.

Anyways, I'm out. I'm furious. hopefully my next blog features the resurrection of Tony or Palmer or even Nina. I would take Nina right now. She was a bad guy but she was a GREAT bad guy. I feel like we don't have that right now. We don't have a good bad guy. we don't have a good good guy other than Jack. I just feel like they're lost. I dunno...

Peace playas

-Big Ho

back in the US of A

2006-03-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

Saw my first episode of 24 since January last night. A couple of quick "I'm such a girl" comments..

- Kim's hair is WICKED pretty this season

- her nose got piggier

- her boyfriend makes me want to squeeze my legs closed REALLY tight

- Tony: that is what you get for trying to kill a man in a coma, and attempting to do it with a drawn-out needle injection scene.. jsut freakin shoot him.... was he actually surprised the guy woke up and got him???
**** At this point I would invite someone to write some rules about killing in 24, just like the nerdy movie store boy had in Scary movie (Never say..."I'll be right backkk", virgins never die (obviosuly there is a different set of rules for 24, because kim would have been killed first season after leaving the van with the rock and roll druggies, and edgah would obvi. still be alive)

- my dad thinks Tony might live.. he is wrong, right? I mean how often does Jack start BALLING like he did with Tony in his arms.. Tony is D-E-D Dead as my boss would say...right?

OK well as of Thursday I will be watching 24 from Mexico with Claudia's (Clow-deeah) son and father from season... 2? so keep up the good work...siri-ously!

The following took place when I woke up at 6:30 on saturday AM... for no reason

2006-03-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get my record 117th comment/post for the week, so I figured I'd post another ~shortie. I also wanted to see if I can wake the sleeping blogger giant in all of us and finish this week out strong.

Last call:

Edgah, I just wanted you to know how well liked you were: even Tuesday AM Cheerleader (who gave up on 24 midway through last season) was legitimately sad to here that you passed. Unfortunately, however, we must carry on without you. I admit it, though. It's going to be incredibly hard to blog... without the crutch of a fat joke anymore.

Turning the page...

Ah, I can see it now. I see some siri-ous A$$ whooping in your future:

-How ishy was it when Tony had to look at Michelle's body? I felt for the guy.
-More importanly, who else hoped Tony's face was all messed up when he removed the bandage? Not for spite, mind you (CB: one of People's 50 most beautiful, I believe). I love Tony. I always have. I was just really hoping that we could call Tony "Twoface" for the rest of the season. I just think that it would be amazingly awesome for Tony to be all mangled when he finally teams back up with Jack, and they whip out their Dostovels (sorry, I'm beating a dead horse with this one) and raise the body count.

I loves me my action:
-How'd they keep this one under the radar? X-Men 3 in what? like 3 months? sick!
-So that movie looks pretty much awesome. Even though I knew what they were bringing in Juggy and the Colorado NHL Team, I really thought they were alluding to Sentinels at the beginning. You know, all the stuff about "Mr. President, the mutant problem must be solved" and stuff. That reeks of Sentinels. And frankly, it smells great. With the key addition of 2 particularly LARGE X-men (one blue and furry and the other silver and shiny), there'd be nothing sweeter than a coupla "Fastball Specials" in this flick.

Baue down, itches!

JKow

PS: How awesome has Bill "THE MAN" BuCANNON become all of the sudden?

EEE

2006-03-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Eastern equine encephalitus??? no, it's:

"eugoogle-izing 'everyman' Edgah"

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here to pay our respects to one, Mr Edgah Stiles, a victim of a berserk terror attack.

Killed in the line of duty, Edgah died b/c of his compassion for his fellow (wo)man. Regrettably, Edgah has moved on from real time. Never forget, however, that while Edgah may be gone from real time, his memory will always remain in our real hearts and our real minds... in real time. really.

Oh, Edgah, how we loved thee. But did we really know you?

Personally, I say yes.

Over the course of a season and a half, bloggers across the WORLD have seen you blossom from an unconfidant, squirrelly fat man with a lisp/stutter to a squirrelly lisping/stuttering fat(ter?) BAD MOTHA WHO DON'T TAKE NO CRAP FROM NO ONE!!

Siri-ously, Edgah, you matured a lot during you time with us. And we grew with you (just not at the same rate... I hope). A few examples:

1.We cried with you when your "mothah just died"
2.We started the website "www.giveedgahstilesthecredithedeservesforstoppingthe catastrophicmeltdownoflike117nuclearpowerplants.com.org.clownpenis.fart"
3.We itch-slapped the TV hoping that Chloe would feel it. (wait, you had nothing to do with that).
4.This season, we prayed that you and Chloe would get together. (Or atleast give us an IMMENSELY awkward "but I love you" scene.)
5.And finally, we yearned that you could have given a more fulfilling death scene. I mean, come on, the possibilities were ENDLESS! We could have had a #4b (see above). You could have started youk-ing out your guts like like the victims of VX gas in the Rock. Or even better, your eyes could have bugged out like Ahnold at the end of Total Recall. Finally (this is one we were all secretly hoping for), you could have even had a heart attack.

But, alas, Edgah, your (massive) presense and lovable lisp/stutter will delight us on monday nights no more.

RIP

A rather long A$$-specific response post

2006-03-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

“You will be hereby known as… Pinto… and you, Flounder”(1)

Austin: as a newbie to the blog, you will be hereby known as “A$$.” That’s the way it is.(2)

I don’t know what it is, but gaining you and coop (coop, a-loop), I feel like I can drop so many more Bates references. I mean, I want to bring in Shawn “The 40 year old vir…just the 40 year old” Kingman and the Commons laughing guy (who I SAW the other day)”, Nate “the 3rd freshman year roommate” Reid, and Pablo (I don’t even need to say Pizza Guy) all the time now. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

Some A$$-specific commentary:

-In an answer to your title question: “never. They will never learn, b/c they always die before they can teach anyone anything. It’s Darwin’s Natural Selection at work… or something. I don’t know, you’re the biology major… umm, DAMNIT!
-Why do terrorists wear suits you ask? (B/c it’s cold in those dark computer-y rooms, obviously.) No, siri-ously, I answer your question with a question: why do basketball coaches wear suits? (SportsCenter Random Highlight Note: that incredibly sweaty college coach from like a week or so ago, he don’t need to look professional. He needs to not sweat.)
-DAMNIT, Austin, I was almost looking forward to The Girl Next Door returning, too. But then I remembered this universal truth: “Even Jack hates Kim.”
-I might have to put some money on Chloe smiling. I don’t know. I may not be a betting man, but I got a good feeling about it. Wait…
-I wouldn’t mess w/ the Unit. Let’s see: they got a T1000 and a man that whoops ass and sells car insurance…. And don’t forget that guy from Felicity. Random-ass group, geez.

__________________________________________________________
1. ok, probably not a direct quotation, but I didn’t see it when I imbd’d that ish
2. I keed, I keed. Good to have you w/ us, siri-ously. Keep hitting jump shots in our collective eyes.(3)
3. Ok, I’m done. I swear.

In Defense of My Fat Comments: A Sonnet in Free Verse

2006-03-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

I stand by my fat jokes. Edgah was nothing if not fat, and we would never have loved him if it were not for his lovable lack of neck and lisping overweightness that swooned Chloe into giving him the scrunched eyebrows of love. And to be honest, it might have been his fatness that killed him. Think about it: If Edgah was thin he would have been smoother with the ladies and never would have snapped at Carrie to go check it out herself. She wouldn't have even wanted to go check it out because of his shear animal magnetism. Then, even if she did go, he probably would have been too vain to care if she was ok. Finally, even if he had gone to see her, he probably could have hustled back to one of the safe rooms before they sealed up. He must have taken the route that the Huxley's took during that commercial break JKow was talking about. I wouldn't be surprised to find a 100 Grand bar in his shirt pocket when the nerve gas is cleared out. But you know what? That's why we love Edgah. I would expect no less from the brilliant eye candy (Whoppers) that is Edgah Stiles.

I predict the season will end with Jack and Tony and Chloe and Audrey and Kim's corpse (which Barry will be dancing with) all partying together in CTU and David Palmer, George Mason, and Edgah Stiles' ghosts will be hovering over Star Wars style, smiling and laughing it up and tag-teaming (Battle Royale-ing?) Michelle Desler while Tony grinds with two girls he picked up at Burning Man. And, oh yes, Jack. Jack will be there, smiling on the outside, but preparing on the inside. Preparing to fight the danger that lurks around every corner. But remember: 90 degree angles are only curves that Jack Bauer made fall in line.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

Like Jesus and ripped jeans, I'm back, in a big way.

2006-03-07T20:02:00.000-08:00

So the week after I forsook (forsaked? had forsaken?) 24 for boring and crappy plot writing, I sat down to eat a massive burrito from Baja Fresh. I chose steak, thinking myself a man, able to handle the manliest of meats. Perhaps I could have handled it on a normal day, but that day I was a marked man. I am convinced that my 24 badmouthing led none other than Jack Bauer to sneak into the kitchen and poison my burrito. The result was a three day bout with a stomach virus that no one wants to read a blog about. (www.burritochunkinsanity.com)

I missed posting on last week's episode, which, by the way, brought my faith right back around. And then, of course, came last night's blockbuster tandem combo, which blew me right back on my coal mining ass. What a great two hours.

I figured since most of what I would have to say has been said by my contemporaries, I will simply mention a few real time highlights (i took notes in real time!) from my experience watching the episodes with my grandfather.

5:10 PM Tony stumbles from his coma bed to investigate his wife's condition

Grandpa: He should have a Snickers bar. Get some energy.

5:29 Jack sneacks into Henderson's backyard

Grandpa: Long as you're up James, how bout a drink?

5:31 Jack surprises Miriam Henderson

Grandpa: He's gonna shoot her.

5:56 Jack shoots Miriam Henderson

Grandpa: HA! Right in the knee!

5:57 Buchanan calls Curtis, who has found a timer on the canister. Since it will detonate in a minute, the bomb squad won’t have time to stop it. Curtis picks the canister up and runs out of the basement into the hospital wards. He speeds out the door and gets the canister to the tac unit’s truck where it is sealed into a chemical container. They lock it in as the trigger detonates. The nerve gas is contained and the hospital is saved.

Grandpa: (doing arthritis hand excercises) You ever milk a cow?

It all got a bit blurry after that. Two final comments:

1. The hospital terrorist set the bomb timer for 10:00 minutes. Anyone who has ever played Counterstrike could neutralize him, find the bomb, disarm it and upgrade to an M-16 with the win money in 5:00.

2. Edgah should haunt CTU like Bill Cosby haunted his own house in Ghost Dad. (Spinoff!?!?)

And I'm out. JGeto-ver it.

RIP Edgah Stiles: Eulogies Welcome

2006-03-06T22:44:00.000-08:00

The Following Took Place Between 5:00PM and 7:00PM The Day "24" Needed To Make Budget Cuts To Hire Back Elisha Cuthbert (I somehow blame Kim)

2006-03-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

This is a very special, very live, two hour diary of "24." Everything is taking place in, yes, real-time. Here we go:

8:02 - Tony's awake! I sleep for longer than Tony coma's. (Even Tony doesn't remember that Michelle was killed.)

8:05 - Did the terrorists run out of snipers or what? How aren't the Subarov's getting shot out in the open right now.

8:07 - Oh shut the fuck up. (24 Blogger Gal says, "Buuullllshiiit") No way Astin Martin's deadbeat sister's boyfriend is in touch with the terrorists.

8:10 - Jack says, "He left me for dead (Henderson). I'm the last person he expects to see right now. Oh yeah? What happened to "For the record, I never thought you were dead."

812 - "Coma head" is so much worse than "bed head"

8:15 - Wouldn't it be awesome if Henderson's password is "Big Boy"

8:17 - Mark this moment as the first time Aaron has given President Droopy the "Bullshit" stare.

8:20 - I think Buchanan just gave Astin Martin a remote control to make a phone call on.

8:22 - Is deadbeat boyfriend drinking Budweiser? I don't know if that's product placement or not. I mean, if your product endorses sleazy drunks, is that free advertising or are fifty Budweiser lawyers getting their briefcases?

8:25 - Isn't bombing a hostpital kind of counter-productive? I mean, half the people there are already sick or dying. If you wanna break morale, you should bomb the physical therapy hospitals where all those uplifting stories take place. Plus, it would wipe out the USA's Murderball prospects, so Canada would be golden.

8:28 - I can pick most locks with a credit card- er, switchblade.

8:31 - "DO you know how this shit works?" - Stanley Goodspeed.

8:37 - Diet Pepsi is such a better performer than The Pussycat Dolls.

8:38 - While I have a minute here, I wanna bring up the fact that Rudy took a huge marketshare hit this week. After years as the reigning reference for underdog glory movies, that autistic kid from Athens, NY schooled Sean Astin/Rudy and took underdog glory to a whole new level. Rain Man can BALL! And...we're...back.

8:42 - Password: BIG BOY! BIG BOY!

8:43 - That terrorist is so not an orderly, he's dis-orderly. In other news, Edgah says, "We're halfway through the database." Do you get the feeling he'd be all the way through the database if he hadn't rocked that dozen doughnuts with lunch?

8:45 - Hey, that nerve gas cannister/bomb has a steady heartbeat.

8:47 - From now on, i'm not buying any cell phone that doesn't have five blades and shaving gel.

8:48 - What the hell? Martha Logan just appeared on my local news preview wearing a cat in the hat hat and reading to children. That's not gonna help her "crazy lady" image any. Did anyone else see this news clip or is Seattle just that action packed that a C-List actress makes the news for reading a book? Newsguy says, "We'll ask her the fate of her character this season." That's hard-hitting journalism, right there. WHOAH! X-Men 3 trailer trailer!

8:53 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, "I SHOT HER ABOVE THE KNEECAP!" WOW, the first torture scene in ages, if not this season just paid out. Fact: Bread Executives refer to their sliced product as the best thing before Jack Bauer.

8:59 - I knew that Gary Oleman look-a-like terrorist would come back again. He eliminated the most annoying element of the show, and i'm praying that he'll take care of the other two most hated; Kimpossible and Droopy.

9:00 - Alright, baby, 6PM and 7PM. The time when Love Connection and Frasier used to dominate the syndicated airwaves. When "I'm hungry" turns to "I'm starving" as it comes out of little kids' mouths. The time when- i'm missing the show. MORE 24!

9:02 - Mark it. Right as I got "Hey, it's Carrie" out of my mouth Carrie told us that "Kim Bauer is here." Sending the hot new chick to break the news is like breaking up with your girlfriend in a crowded restaurant. I wouldn't be surprised if Carrie only showed up last week for this purpose.

9:05 - "It's about your father...He's alive....and he HATES you!" There is no way that Barry Landis is Kimpossible's boyfriend. He looks like a forty year old porn star with the proto-typical terrorist face.

9:06 - THERE IS A VICE PRESIDENT! AND HE WAS IN SALT LAKE CITY "today!" I told you Salt Lake City was safe from terrorists. "Slurp Salt Lake much? - JKow" I guess the VP does too. And he already seems about five million times better than the Droopster. He's totally gonna be a terrorist.

9:11 - There is absolutely no way that with all the drama going on, that security guy at the door doesn't know what Astin "Lynne" Martin looks like. NO WAY. But on the bright side, Kim is very close to a possible death. Aubdrey could go with her. Look, as long as Tony and Carrie make it out alive so they can procreate, I don't care who dies.

9:13 - Brown and bubbly has to be the worst ad slogan of all time. Did they reject, "Like a volcano takin' a dump?"

9:16 - How do you go from Robo-Chase to Pornstar Barry. Oh man! Speaking of Robo-Chase, could Robo-Chase battle RoboCop for ultimate CTU supremacy? "I barry'd you!" Ya know what? God wasn't that great a dad either.

9:19 - Wow. The terrorists actually have a handheld map that leads them to the skeazy back room. These are the details that 24 finally needs to divulge.

9:22 - Henderson's "willing to tolerate in inhuman about of pain." Of course he is. You need to make him deal with a "Robocop-ian amount of pain." They need to do some more psychological torture instead of pain based. Like pour honey in his ears and let out the fire ants. Or paint honey on his body and let out the Edgah. "Mm, is dat glazed?" Man, now i'm just playa hating.

9:26 - I finally just said, "Oo, that looks good!" to an episode of House. House vs Bones: FIGHT!

9:33 - "You acted like the President of the United States" says Mrs Droopy. "Yes, I did," replies President Droopy. Really? He did?? What about that whole, I gave the terrorists the limo route? Oh crap, Carrie's gonna die. Crap. Yep, Carrie's dead. Never bring a cell phone to a knife fight.

9:39 - X-MEN III: The Last Stand looks SICK. Brett Ratner or not, no Bryan Singer or not, X3 just eclipsed 24.

9:40 - 24 Blogger Gal says, "Ok, Kim is already sucking"

9:46 - E'erbody in CTU gittin' crunk (if crunk means blowededed up)

9:49 - Please don't tell me that Rescue Me has been replaced with "Black. White." AHH! Why are they showing us previews for next week RIGHR BEFORE CTU gets nerve-gassed??? COME ON FOX! These have to be the same people who cancelled Arrested Development, Family Guy, and Firefly.

10:00 - Uhh...I have no smart-ass comments. Sound editing should win an Emmy for the 3 seconds of silence for Edgah at the end of the episode....Dead Edgah does sound pretty catchy though as a band name....ok, one smart-ass comment. And I guess it was kinda obvious when Jack said, "Oh my God" when they saw Edgah, I mean they might as well have followed it up with, "We KNOW him!"...and even if Kim had to make it into the room, did Barry have to? Still, Edgah, we hardly knew ye.

.....
.....
.....
Keep It Jack,
Witz

Terrorists... when will they ever learn

2006-03-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

So, this is my first post, taking place between the hours of 12am and 1am (east coast time), my name is Austin. Witz and I had a little talk earlier and he invited me to post about 24, and being that Jack Bauer decides the fate of the world with every passing second, I thought it would be a good idea to post.

I would never doubt the abilities of Jack Bauer and CTU, but the terrorists are getting dumber and dumber. Like tonight, would it kill a terrorist to ever wear a hat so the overhead cameras couldn't see them. Once you get behind closed doors, bam, throw on a trusty Sox cap and CTU could never identify you. And why even challenge Jack? If you are being interrogated and not cooperating, somebody is getting shot in the knee. Don't terrorists realize that Jack has killed 93 of their kind in the first 96 hours? (I have no idea how many this season) Also, why do terrorists always hang out in dimly lit rooms with some computers? Why do they always use satellite phones with huge antennas? Why do the head terrorists always wear suits? (Look back, all of them always do)

Some other quick thoughts
1) I disagree with Witz, because I am extremely happy that Kimpossible Bauer is back. When 24 is in day 25, she will be President and Tony Almeida will be running a rebel group outside of Nicaragua.
2) What do you think Edgah's last thoughts were? God, I love that bitch Chloe? Or, dammit I'm so pissed I won't be alive for Microsoft to premiere Windows Vista, which will finally shut up those goddam Mac lovers?
3) My Aunt went to private school with Audrey Raines (not a good point, just wanted to show my connection to 24)
4) I heard the line for Chloe smiling this season is at about .0004%
5) I hope the show "The Unit" (ridiculous name for a non-pornographic show anyways) will fail miserably. Only in the hope that day 6 will actually take place before day 5, so that David Palmer can return to the 24 universe.

Thats all for now,
- A Money

the world needs more teddy bears

2006-03-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would say everyone is upset that Edgar was sent on hiatus tonight. That's right, he'll never die. Why? Because he's Edgar, the dude has a photographic memory! I mean it's not like the fact that he's this big teddy bear doesn't help or anything...um...but he's just too cool to go. I am upset. I'm considering even a Bring Back Edgar facebook group i'm that upset. The dramatic finish with the clock not making any noise for the last 3 seconds, however, was burned into my skull and I think fox did a good job with it. I'd like to raise a question though: how good is fox's ability to write a story this season? I think the season is going really well, but somehow I've been able to predict a lot of things in-episode. For example, tonight I predicted that gas was going to be released at CTU while watching the first episode. And before that I predicted something...but it's too late for me to remember what it was. Edgar-trauma. It's crazy stuff. Point is everyone around me was getting annoyed because I was revealing what would happen every 20 minutes. I should write for fox. I'd bring back Edgar.

And Witz, I also noticed our president looks like a pug dog.

The following took place while the WEST SIDE!! was still watching this ish

2006-03-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

Opening word: "wow"

2 thoroughly enjoyable hours of tv right there. Tony got up and the ish went down. I was so compelled by the return of Kim-othy "I-can't-act-but-I'm-a-really-hot-blonde-and-my-new-bf-is attempting-to-contend-with-Novick-for-title-of-the-'head skeaze'" Bauer, that i had to post before I went to bed. (come on now. I'm full of crap. who am I kidding. I'm just obsessed w/ this thing).

so Kim's back. I was hoping for at least a "oh she's hot" initial feeling. eeeeennggt! (that's a buzzer sound)-try again. so then I was hoping she would make a quick exit and suck some syntox right in front of daddy. that obviously didn't have a prayer of happenning. instead of kim, edgah eats it. siri-ously, wtf!?! now we'll never get the awkward Edgah-Chloe affectionate embrace taht I've been hoping for all season.

(writers dropping the ball the ball note: who wasn't hoping that Edgah expressed his love for Chloe as he ate it?) Or maybe he's "not dead yet"?? if there was ever a body that had the mass to disperse the toxins, it's Edgah. but then again, that didn't work for Farley. (is that inappropriate? i thought so, too.) Moving on... but not really... what's the status of Tony, RoboHenderson, and A-Mart? I'm assuming Tony will live. why you ask? b/c if tony and jack don't team up, I'm out. Done. I don't care about RoboH. did he say a word the whole episode other than "I", "can't" and "say" all episode??? eff him. JB shoulda popped 'em when he had the chance. and finally, Lynn. oh, boy. i'm lost here. I'm gonna go w/ goner here. Just a gut feeling. I don't know. I suppose he dies b/c he was a wuss and didn't say anything about the card. 24-Karma and all.

More downer ish:
My favorite little thing Carrie (she's mine, witz). stabbed in the back. literally. gah. that's a shame. we're (again) stuck w/ the Rats of Kimh as the token eye candy. "DAMNIT!" This pill was even harder to take today b/c my roommate was watching Season 2 on tv(?) and michelle was so hot. I should also note that this episode also included the dynamic duo of JB and KATE WARNER!

(yeah, but you never thought that name would get dropped in this blog, didja?!?) what a team that was.

ok, i'm out. chew on that anticlimax.

-JKow

ps: before it gets too old. witz: what's the deal w/ your mom? calling and telling you about kim last week? I wish I could have heard that convo. this brings me to my next point, don't smoke crack... er, DON'T WATCH THE PREVIEWS!!!!

Joining The "24" Blog Group

2006-03-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post this before the episodes tonight in the hopes of getting more posts from more people this week. A lot of people have mentioned to me that they would like to post or know people who would like to post on the site. There are two ways to post on the site. The first method is just to use the "comments" sections at the bottom of each post, which is great and I encourage everyone who reads an article to post a comment to at least let the rest of us know that someone is reading what we write. The comments, however, are mostly a response to someone else's ideas and aren't always noticed or read by everyone. The second way to post, and the one I would love to see of, is the actual "posts" that show up on the main page. To do this, you need an invite, which is very very easy to get. Just email TheyDontKnowJack@gmail.com with your email address, and I will send an invite from the blog for you to accept and get posting immediately. I also want to reiterate that not all the posts have to be funny which has apparently been intimidating some people who would otherwise be posting. The more people we have posting the more interesting, amusing, hilarious, and insightful the blog will be.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

FYI

2006-03-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, here's the deal. "the most dreaded words" is a new post. I wrote it before I read Witz' new posting, too. (you can see some weird similarities, too). moving on... It didn't post to the top b/c i started working on it a while ago. So read it.

no effing joke

2006-03-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

scene: about 1 minute after WWJBD gets OWNED!!!! by Christopher Henderson:

My buddy Tilden ("Tildo" to some): "hey, do you know who he [Henderson] is?"
Jkow: "is he someone?"
Tilden: "Yeah"
...10 second pause...
Jkow: (tentatively) "Robocop?" (1)
Tilden nods... (2)
Jkow: "did you know? I mean ahead of time?"
Tilden: "yeah"
Jkow does the slow double fist raise ala HHH: "HOLY ISH!!! THAT'S EFFING AWESOME!!! I should get like major, um, points for that!" (3)

end scene. (4)

_____________________________________________________________________
1. to quote myself here: "IMDB THAT ISH"
2. ...his huge head.
3. A very eloquent statement on my part here.
4. The following took place last night, er, this AM between 12:15 AM and 1:05 AM when Tilden and I watched this week's episode for the first time.

The Following Took Place Between 4PM and 5PM Exactly 39 Years, 2 Months, and 6 Days Since God Turned the Reins Over to Jack Bauer

2006-03-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

Holy crap! That means that Jack Bauer/K-Suth's birthday is the same as "JGeto-ver it!" Maybe this is just another piece of the ever-less interesting mystery of "24" season five. The only way to find out is to watch and summarize, so here comes the fun faster than you can say, "The East Coast broadcast went out three hours earlier and my mom called me specifically to tell me the tragic news that Kim Bauer will be back next week!" More on that later.

Alright, i'm feeling good about this episode because a dude that kinda looks like Gary Oleman is involved. Why isn't HE in charge? Mike points out where the most likely point of attack is on the Russian's limo adding, "If an attack were to occur..." followed by President Droopy Dog stating confidently, "It's going to happen Mike. We gave the terrorists their route." Good. So he CAN be confident. But only when recapping for the television audience or stating facts about his own failure. This is followed by Mike telling Droops that his wife got into the limo. For a guy who was ready to send his wife to the crazy house earlier in the day, the president takes this really badly. The best is yet to come, however, as Mike asks if he should alert the security team. Droopy is so confused by his lack of options and the tight spot he's in, that he has a physical and mental breakdown for us, proving that maybe JKow is right and the man deserves an emmy. Saying, "Yes, no, wait" and then balling up into the fetal position, I have to imagine, like the rest of us, Mike started slapping his arm to his chest and making a "Mehhh" sound.(It looked a lot like

this

Even Corky from Life Goes On is laughing at Droopy on this one. Rain Man is better on the fly.

"Where are they?" "They're still on the 118." Man, product placement is outta control.

Am I the only one who thinks that it doesn't matter if Martha tells the Subarov's the truth about the attack? If Martha is forced out of the vehicle, and she tells the two people who are about to die what's up, and they don't have any way of telling anyone else, who cares? You know, it's like that tree falling in the forest, or Steve Guttenberg standup.

Aubdrey, Chloe, and Edgah (back in action) all get down in the mystery activity room and find out that Chris Henderson (of Harry and the Henderson's) could be a bad guy at Omacron. This proves that "24" is actually stealing the plot from Metal Gear Solid 2. Jack took down Henderson in CTU and now he's gonna have to do it again all because they refuse to strap a cannon on Chase's arm so he can fight for justice.

"What am I missing, Mike!? There's gotta be something i'm not seeing!" says President Logan, making a charge for most ironic statement of the season. "All I can see is the terrorists are gonna bomb the limo, a spleen, and some intestines!" to which Mike replied, "Ah, that's because your head is up your ass, sir."

Astin Martin fires a new hot techie named Carrie that none of us had any idea existed. It's like killing the black guy in an action or horrow movie. Still, Astin Martin's driving off the road. This leads to the best line in "24" history, usurping anything President Droopy might have said, even moments ago. Sean Astin Martin Lynne informs Aubdrey that, "We're leading a REAL-TIME investigation here." REAL TIME! WOW! I'm not sure you have to remind people operating in the real-world that real-time is in effect, but at least 24 is completely content to rest on its laurels. "Look, man, our television show is in real-time, so why don't you go ahead and shut on up and enjoy the show. If you don't like it, go ahead, be our guest, flip on Deal or No Deal. No? Two and A Half Men? Smallville? See? You need us. Our show is in REAL TIME."

Jack's thumbs lie better than Richard Nixon. He gets into Omacron with a fake ID, buys himself a drink, and then heads straight to Chris Henderson's office where he...GETS...TAZERED? Wha' happened? "Just for the record, I never thought you were dead."(Henderson says)...alright. Thanks. Jack follows Henderson (who looks a lot like Bill Buchanan..TWIST?) to some info bunker, apparently trusting him. "He's gotta be bad. Jack's never wrong about bad guys," says 24 Blogger Gal.

Ohhh boy, another "I don't believe your crazy theory" plotline ensues with Astin Martin not believing Chloe, Curtis, Aubdrey or Edgah that there might be a threat on the limo which is awesome, because the main reason I watch tv is to get angry and raise my stress and blood pressure levels. "24" viewing would not bode well for The Hulk. Luckily, moments later (i could tell you exactly how many moments later because it's in real time, but I'm gonna leave that little bit of allure alive) Astin Martin presses down on his crazy accelerator, tells Aubdrey to shut up (scoring points in my book), and tries to arrest Edgah, Chloe, Aubrey, and Curtis. Unfortunately, he comes off as a little insane to the CTU Security Guards (shouting, "if he does that, shoot him" referring to Curtis couldn't have helped), and Curtis takes control of the situation. It was exactly like that scene in Gladiator when the Emperor shouts, "sword" to his legion around him, but they all just stand there and let Russell Crowe get all Romper Stomper on his ass (If this makes any of you want to watch a Russel Crowe movie, throw on TNT because The Quick and the Dead is ALWAYS ON TNT). It's also like that same scene in The Last Castle when James Gandolfini takes on Robert Redford and I almost cried Robert Redford Man Tears. Curtis reinstates everyone including Carrie, the random new cute techie. Maybe now they won't need Elisha Cuthbert. I think this episode was written specifically for black history month what with the Giant Black Dude thwarts Uppity Tiny White Guy plotline.

CTU alerts the motorcade about the attack and shows President Droopy's face which reads very clearly, "I can't do anything right, even when i'm trying to fail, I fail at it." The motorcade is still blowededed up and in trouble until Aaron wakes up from being unconscious (scary few minutes when I thought Aaron was dead which woulda been jumping the shark in my mind), pops out of the door, and shoots EVERYBODY! It's about time Aaron got his sweet action scene. Aaron should run for President...or maybe he'd be better off running for vice-president on the same ticket as a rag on a stick since that's what America seemed to want.

Finally, back to Jack and Henderson in something which looks nothing like a bunker. Henderson complains about getting kicked out of CTU and says that he was framed. "By who" Jack says. "Nina Myers, George Mason...who knows" Henderson replies. I gotta say, he threw out a coupla zingers, I mean, those are some good guesses and even Jack knows it. "Jack was wrong about Nina Myers" says 24 Blogger Gal. Minutes later, Henderson scoots outta the room and leaves Jack alone with a bomb in a suitcase. This begs the question, does Henderson just have a bomb in a suitcase ready to go? And does he have multiple suitcases or does he have to make a new one each time one of them blows up? Are they cheaper in bulk? Locked in the room without a phone Jack quips, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by, "If only I'd had my Verizon Cell Phone Service the signals Henderson was sending out would have been so much clearer. Plus, with their extended network, I could have called for help, even in this tiny bunker." Henderson's bomb plan still fails because Jack's a champ and uses the bomb to escape, but still, was Jack right or wrong about Henderson? Before I can answer this question, my mind is shattered by the previews for next week's 2 hour (finally) show.

I was warned, but I still can't believe it when I see Kim Bauer making the Kim Bauer face again. Maybe they'll kill her off. That's all I can hope, and on a brighter note, Tony appears to be up and at them again, because comas can't last forever (or more than 8 hours). Remember that Michelle's dead? Yeah, me either. We have a whole week to bitch about The Kimpossible Dream coming back. Until then,

Keep It Jack,
Witz

the most dreaded words

2006-03-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

The SKINNY:

I'm late... w/ my post for the week. my apologies. (I didn't see the episode until thursday night). moving on...

So I originally planned to post during lunch on friday. I made a joke about how it was going to be a "nooner" and crap like that. And then I realized that I had nothing, repeat NOTHING to say... b/c I couldn't remember the show... b/c I was a little drunk when I watched it... and then went right to bed. It's ok though: I remembered the Robocop thing and everything came back to me. (I have to say this again: Robocop OWNED wwjbd... TWICE* in one episode!!! that's insane! (*can we count the bomb as a second "owning"?)

The OLD:

Some quick commments to get going.

-Madrid? Damn. you better hope Bill Simmons does some more running diaries so you can get a real-time recap of the real-time show... in real-time (or is it Greenwich Mean Time over there?)

-droopy="president" Charles "Let's-take-a-moment-to-pray" Logan. I love the pics, Witz! you just took this thing to another level.

-that t-shirt is sick! i just might have to buy it... and wear it to work on days that I have to sacrifice (euthanize) my test rats. I'm inappropriate like that. (personal aside/inner monologue: "Wow, I'm a moron. I have a Punisher shirt that I could wear... and now I want to have a choice for executioner shirts. wtf.")

-anonymous commenters... okay. (I originally said "yikes!" instead of "okay" here. I figured I'd be better off NOT discouraging the virgin posters)

-I witnessed a particularly atrocious "drop-off" last night. My buddy Sak (siri-ously, that's his name) and I had 2 UFO's. I then get a Bass. What does he get? a Busch Light. aaaiieeyyeee!

The NEW:

-Is it me or did Edgah put on some weight? I know it's hard to tell when a 310 lb man goes to 330, but come on. I think he's been eating donuts during every commercial break (that's like, every 13 minutes in the 24 verse). This leads me to my next point, (that I've been making for YEARS now) can't they show someone eat or pee during the heat of the action? I would love it if just once, jack was like, "DAMNIT, I gotta piss" or something like that. It would make my day. (jack eating breakfast at the beginning of this season doesn't count. nor does the girl next door eating at the beginning of the second season.) Now, my memory might be a little off here. I have a small inkling that someone ate something in one of the first 2 seasons. but I don't remember. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

-Why is it that all of the sudden, I want to like everyone at CTU? except a-martin, of course. he's a douche. It's like the writers decided to give everyone balls (even Edgah... but he got really tiny ones... and taht was only b/c he wants to get in Chloe's pants). I mean, Audrey: she was the man last episode! and she sucks at life. routinely. (CTU side note: was anyone else mildly attracted to carrie (the analyst, not the psycho telekinetic teebager) and disappointed that she got fired 12 seconds after she made her first screen appearance? No? go shack up w/ yourselves)

-I know WWJBD's the man and all, but dodging the bomb in an enclosed bunker like that? come on now. he's no Neo. or maybe he is... which brings me to my next point: If Jack is the man (and a god), what does that make Henderson?

okay, that's it for now.
bauer down,

jkow

This Is Awesome

2006-03-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

Thought ya'all might appreciate this. I found it

Here!

To Tide You Over...(Full Post Coming Very Soon!)

2006-03-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

This is what I've been talking about:

Tell me that's not eerie.

A new belated-post coming very soon.

Witz

I just want to say....

2006-02-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

You can add Madrid to the posting zones.. I have been here since early feb, and have not seen 24 since then!!!!!!!!!!!! I turn on my space heater, get cozy, and read the blog for my updates. Youd think that if they have fresh prince of bel-air dubbed en espanol (one of the best of the best) then they would ahve 24!!!!!!! or should I say VEINTE CUATRO... and the beeps would be a little different too, just like the telephone ring here!

Meat-normous response post

2006-02-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

E-gads, look at all the hilarity that's been posted this week! It's great. I have so much material that I can make stupid comments about now. Booyeah! (wait, I hate stuart scott. "DAMNIT")

Paying my respects to Witz, I'm going to give a running commentary of this weeks posts. hmmm, where to begin...

Jo-ly crap, Jose! Glad you're back w/ us! (Just don't get fired now.) I think you might have taken the "Where's your crown king" RANDOM award for the week. I mean, K-Fed, Cesar Crespo and VORP in the same column?!?! damn, son! RANDOM STAT NOTE: I'm posting from the FLA today. I think this blog may now officially have the highest SPF ratio now. I'm not talking about sunscreen but the "States Posted From" per blogger ratio. A better stat... with all this talk about double-you-em-dee's (WMD's) in the Middle East, I came up with "bee-pee-em-dee's" for this blog. BPMD= between poster mean distance. With Compton, Starbuck's, Beantown, one of (don't mess with) Texas' "-sten"cities (austin? houston?), and now O-town, (and of course "points unknown"...105.1 WTOS, skowheegan, augusta, waterville, the mountain of rock") we should definitely have the highest average distance between posting locations.

I'm sorry, I digress...Back to the big HO:

-I love that you wasted ZERO time in giving it to A-Fraud and Peyton (feel free to rip Eli, too. "DAMNIT" you're prolly a Giants fan.)
-My BloggerGal's papi made a good point: "the guy who plays "President" Droopy should win an Emmy. It takes some serious acting skills to look like that much of a moron and make EVERYBODY hate him." Sound logic here. unless of course he is just a moron... that eveyrbody hates.
-Did "Pres" Droopy get elected? Or is this still the end of the term from Air Force 1 downed president's term?
-I'm going to make a few offers for "big(gest) drop-offs". These are not necessarily "well-thought-out" or "insightful" if you will (NOTE: the previous 2 sets of quotation marks would have come with air quotes in real life. I don't know how to signify that w/ text...) Simply a couple of quick thoughts: Clinton to Bush; Cabrera to Edgah Rentareck; Sean Connery to whoever-came-after-him-as-007; whoever-came-before-ETH to ETH; The original MTV unplugged (included bands like Nirvana, AIC, Live, PJ) to the unplugged 2.0 (including Shakira, Dashboard Confessionals, Lauryn Hill, Staind (and I like Staind))
-How can anyone NOT miss the homosexuality of the hobbits? It's freakin over the top! btw: I don't buy Astin as the hard-ass type. (Brokeback note: is it me, or does Aston Martin always play characters with androgenous names like Lynn, Rudy and Sam?)
-"freedom tickles"... excellent!

Nobody beats the witz:

-In case anyone didn't get it before, this blog can officially be titled: "SportsGuy Impersonators' 24 Blog"
-Slurp Salt Lake much? geez
-Dude, don't diss "Ear"wick. He was the most....um, bland terrorist yet. Where was he from again? What were his issues? I have no idea. (Name note: Erwick? that's the best they could come up w/ for a Russian/Chechen terrorist name? come on! How about "Strysinsky" or "Nymzymsky" (such a cooler name than "Neems"). Heck, they could've called "Ear"wick "Kowaleski"... wait, that was the name of the skilled assassin posing as a Ukranian teen sex slave!)
-I have one word for the lame-o side plots: AAAIIEEEYYEEEEE!! (TM the Tuesday AM QB) (plot note: It's not surprising that the massively elaborate terrorist schemes don't work- they need to KISS!!! or then again, there's that jack bauer/diety thing.)
-The "jack-arrested-by-CTU" bit is SOOO old... as old as the CTU mole, WHICH THEY BROUGHT BACK AGAIN! aaaiiieeeyyyyeee!! Hopefully, the writers will keep the rogue bauer thing short this time (just like the spencer is the accidental mole thing)
-I almost spat my drink out about the "Jack ripping his arms off" bit. I'm willing to guess that this is why Jose was crying.
-droopy=left testicle... priceless. Maybe droopy is the actual brother of michael chikless (Det. Scroats, I think) that makes an appearance in the Family Guy movie. A (hairy?) black testicle and a shaved white scrotum: that duo would MURDER Audrey and Chloe!
-Nathanson was the man! and he upgraded! why'd he have to die???? oh, right, as witz pointed out, he didn't listen to god. (NAMING NOTE: I might have to refer to Jack as WWJBD for a while) The nathanson bit was some quality video game-like cinema. But nothing compared to Michael Douglass' making the logical "briefcase-bat-knife-bag o' guns-i forget what he gets after this-does he get a rocket launcher by the end" progression in Falling Down!! (btw: jamie (the first ever CTU mole) is in FD. She's like 14...
-IM sounds: I've been saying that they need to be off for years!! (by "years", I mean "since going to Bates"). alas, 24 has finally vindicated me.
- Vanessa "Carla-the prom queen" Marcil: way too hot for both stanley goodspeed and nic cage. Connery... I could see that, though. "Hello, pussy"
-WTF are you talking about w/ the masks? is this "eyes wide shut" or something? (to be honest here, i don't even know what that last sentence means... )

on to Geto:

-The writers not only dropped the ball this week, the did so at the opponents' 1-yard-line. AHHHH!!!
-Nathanson was sweet! you think they coulda kept the WWJBD-Nathanson combo alive for a bit longer than they did.
-prior to that, the writers just HAD to have WWJBC go rogue again. I mean, WWJBD owning Curtis was cool, but the prospects of dueling dual pistols are SO much cooler than a diety on the run.
-i totatlly agree about the helicopter crash, what happened there? gah, dropping the ball
-In an answer to your question: "I don't care if the Russian Pres gets aced w/ nerve gas. I'd actually prefer it simply b/c the "pres"' wife is in the limo. I'll just have to IM Aaron to get out first." (I'll let someone else do my IM convo w/ Aaron)

ok, my fingers are tired... even though it took me four (that's 4) separate sessions to complete this post. I hope you all appreciate my hard work.

Baue-r before your savior,

jkow

"BLASPHEMY!" or "Are You There, 24? It's Me, James."

2006-02-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

I was so mad when Nathanson turned out to be awesome and then subsequently destroyed that I almost vowed to switch from 24 to House. I think Dr. House and Jack Bauer may be related somehow, anyway. They both seem to have godlike omniscience and clutchness.

And yes, I did just use "omniscience" (a ninth-grade vocabulary word) in the same sentance as "clutchness."

Regardless, I would like to see Bauer and House together at a cocktail party, shitting on the detective from "Numbers."

Ok, so I didn't turn my back on 24, but goddammit, they are stringing me along by a hair. Why couldn't Jack propose that Curtis go rogue with him? Why couldn't Nathanson have survived all those gunshots like Fitty, and put out a patriotic rap single? Why can't Edgah whip out dual shotguns and declare war on Chechnya? If we have to lose our heavy action hitters besides Jack, and rely on plot twists and conspiracies more than bullets, they have to be more creative with it. I think most of us could have filled in the blanks of that episode on our own. "Jack has a hot lead on the terrorists, but CTU has ordered Jack into custody. Jack ___________ sleeper hold, and __________ microchip." We didn't even get to see a highly anticipated helicopter crash. And who the fuck cares if the president of Russia gets sniped? Who the fuck cares about these canisters of gas? The terrorists havn't even threatened anything concrete yet. I would feel completely comfortable living in the "24" version of L.A. right now. Shit, I feel more threatened driving home from work on Wilshire every day.

I am a drunk who fell off the wagon and turned his back on God. I know I will come around next week, but for the moment I lie soaked in the gutter screaming to the heavans, "Why have you forsaken me?"

(Just the show, though, not Jack Bauer.... he's still incredible.)

(Just in case he's listening...)

(I'm sleeping under my bed tonight...)

The Following Took Place Between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM While Kim Bauer Watched Laguna Beach on MTV

2006-02-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOUR! That's what 3:00 PM marks for most people in the United States. Not for Jack Bauer though. Remember, your happy hour is only happy because Jack Bauer is doing his job. The minute Jack steps outta the game is the minute Happy Hours begin being known as "Getting sniped in the face" Hour, "This beer tastes like nerve gas" Hour, or in Salt Lake City, still just "Happy Hour" (Because nobody messes with Salt Lake City. Nobody.). I've decided just to go with the Bill Simmons comparison and do this diary style in the hopes that it might keep things shorter or at least more interesting. As I was forced to watch a taped episode this week, I will keep time in "24" time, which is, in fact, real. time.

3:00:15 - Wait for it...
3:00:32 - Wait for it....
3:00:47 - WAIT FOR IT.....
3:01:10 - BOO YAH!! NEW TERRORIST LEADER! Just as I finally figured out that the main terrorist's name was Erwick, it's superfluous. Don't ask me where they came from or why we didn't know about them before, but it was only a matter of time, and thanks to both entry level script writing manuals we now have a new bad guy with a far more distinguishable accent...he's from Terroristria, right? Anyway, I look forward to learning about this new bad guy since I haven't managed to learn much about Erwick in the last 7 hours. Splendid.

3:02 - Biercko? Is that the new bad guy's name? I dub him Berserko

3:03 - Oh, cool. Astin Martin's drugged out sister is back. And there's her loser boyfriend. Images of cougars and abusive husbands chasing teenage girls are dancing in my head. Make it stop. Please, make it stop! Why do we need these bonus crappy plots? Isn't it enough to believe that these massively elaborate terrorist attacks involving multiple Villain hand-offs keep happening? Why does it also have to be the same day that the groundhog sees his shadow and it causes him to buy cigarettes?

3:05 - Remarkably underqualified Astin Martin decides to bring in Jack Bauer again. Buchanan, the only 24 character ever to learn from his mistakes, tells him it's a bad idea, but it's no use. We're forced to relive the deja vu that is the "Jack getting arrested by CTU" plot.

3:06 - Curtis tells Jack that he needs to bring him back to CTU for holding, so he asks Jack to turn over his guns. Jack gives Curtis his hand gun and then proceeds to rip off both of his own arms and turns them over as well. "There. Now you have all my guns."

3:07 - James Nathanson is on the line, and I think he's about to tell Jack Bauer the secret recipe for Bush's Baked Beans!

3:09 - Nope. Goddamnit, we're never gonna find out.

3:09:30 - Curious note: My timer tells me 24's been on for 9:30 minutes, but the bottom just flashed that it's 3:11:something. On another note, there is no Santa Claus.

3:11 - Jack RUINS Curtis. So bad I gotta spell it RA-HOOHOOHOO-INS HIM.

3:15 - Oh boy, now don't get too excited, but there's a good chance I smell an inter-CTU political turmoil!

3:17 - Chloe and Aubdrey work together to create the least interesting onscreen duo ever seen by 24. Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?

3:18 - Berserko calls Mike No-Vick No-Problem and wants to talk to President Droopy Dog eliciting this response, "I don't want to talk to the terrorists, YOU talk to them!" Mick responds, "Are you fucking kidding me? David Palmer's left testicle has more presidential talents than you. Remember how we got you elected? Remember when your primary platform was increasing circulation of The Family Circus? Remember when we got the other party to nominate Marvin the Martian to run against you? Remember how many beers we had to buy them? Ireland. We had to buy them Ireland to get them drunk enough, but we did it. And do you remember what I said to you? I said, "Mr. Assistant Janitor, being President isn't as easy as cleaning toilets and pushing a mop. Do you remember what you said? You said, 'Pee-pee ha-ha, sparkle sparkle.' Then you licked your own nipple. And still I trusted in you. I'd seen the best, and now I was ready to see the worst. So Sir, take your hand out of your ass, pull up your pants, and get on the goddamn phone. Because I don't want to have to report to a left testicle. But I will." This was met by the "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face and this comment by my girlfriend (24 Blogger's Gal), "Is Mike doing the hand over the phone move? Is he really using the hand over the receiver move on the terrorists?" The answer is yes. There is no chance this is going to turn out well.

3:26 - Back at CTU Astin Martin is pulling his CTU Queen Bitch from that other season impersonation, so he better be careful when he decides to send his sister to the infirmary later in the season. I got 10 bucks riding on that death.

3:29 - Nathanson and Bauer are BFF. And I'm on board.

3:30 - See! Nathanson knows enough to upgrade weapons! I love this guy!.....and he just got shot.

3:32 - Hmm. Again. Because he didn't listen to Jack. "Dude, just hold on while I shoot down this helicopter with my hand gun...YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO....Dude? DUDE! OH COME ON!"

3:33 - I THINK HE'S GONNA TELL US THE BAKED BEANS SECRET!

3:34 - Nope. Back to plan b: gettin' that talkin' dog drunk.

3:35 - SERIOUSLY THOUGH! Everything fits into Jack's phone! JKow is right, man, my battery can't even hold a charge and packs a x2 zoom, meanwhile Jack's phone can fit gameboy games into its mysterious disk drive.

3:36 - Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercials Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posie or dancing down a street while drinking Diet Pepsi. Jimmy Fallon, fine, that's a step up in his career, but Parker Posie? The Queen of Indie? What could possibly have led to this? These are the people who voted for President Logan.

3:40 - Cut back to "Something's in my pants that wasn't there before" face by Logan. Is there a vice-president involved anywhere in this administration? When Logan was VP and the Pres died, he deferred to an ex-president for guidance. That didn't come back to bite him in the ass? Is it that nobody wanted to run with him?

3:43 - AWESOME. Chloe and Aubdrey are IMing each other. This proves that EVERYONE IM's people at work, not just all the friends I have.

RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, is it just me or do you think Lynn might be into Buchanan?
O'Brien (worst sn ever by the way: Totally. God. What's wrong with everyone?
RainesOnYourParade: Chloe, do you think Jack likes me? Like, Likes me likes me?
O'Brien: I guess, maybe, if he likes that "I got my head squished in the elevator doors" look. Whatever. God.
RainesOnYourParade: RainesOnYourParade has signed off.

Then Audrey's caught by Astin Martin because her IM beeped when she closed it, proving once again that you HAVE TO TURN OFF YOUR IM SOUNDS. That's just amateur.

3:52 - The Russian president married the only unattractive Anya in Russia. Aaaand skeaziest shot of Mike in a while. Oooo, he used skeaze voice to tell Berkerko where the motorcade is going. Where are Connery and Cage when you need them? "Carla was the Prom Queen."

3:58 - It's definitely a bad sign when I a) don't care that the President's wife just got in the car with the Russian President and b) I'm wondering if Conviction is going to be any good because it has Milo in it from 24 season two.

3:59 - V For Vendetta is going to be sweet. And isn't it weird that all the A-list edgy young actresses are making female starred comic book movies action movies? And how appropriate is it that Paul Walker is Running Scared? Maybe in his next movie he'll Go to Camp, Save Christmas, or Ride Again. Whattya think...brah.

4:00 Beep-buh, beep-buh. After this episode, I know what Jack Bauer's gravestone is going to say. A quote from John Mason from The Rock. "I'm fed up saving your ass. I'm amazed you made it past puberty."

Well, this week Jack Bauer'd all over the terrorists, Erwick got kicked to the curb for Berserko, and Nathanson might have passed on the secret for his hot dogs buried inside DOD code. Incidentally, Chris Dodd could have defeated Logan. Big Ho was right. Logan must have been wearing a Palmer mask when he was elected. WAIT! What if that means that Logan was wearing a Palmer mask on the morning Palmer was shot! Maybe Logan was shot and Palmer was wearing a Bill Buchanan mask (think about it, that makes a lot of sense). I mean, someone was already wearing a Jack Bauer mask for that security camera. TRICK ENDING! Double Trick Ending: Bauer was wearing a Tony mask and is currently in a coma. Only time will tell. Until next week.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

Ok, i've got some questions

2006-02-21T20:48:00.001-08:00

24: The Post-College Years

Ok, I'm back. It's been a while since I've posted, but this past week's episode really got me thinking, and I have to express my thoughts somewhere.

I thought that no one annoyed me like Chloe, but I've been proven wrong. President Logan makes me want to Vote President Bush into office for another 17 terms. Did he hire Jimmy Carter as his "Terrorist negotiating specialist"? Isn't there some class you can take as a President called "How to deal with situations without your version of the Peyton Manning face"? Here's an important question: is Arod more clutch than President Logan? If President Logan were a baseball player, what would his average with runners in scoring position be? .000? Would he even be capable of the occasional sacrifice fly? We need the good people at Baseball Prospectus to take care of this.

Which of course begs the question: Who in the hell was running against President Logan in the previous election? Carlos Mencia? Buster from Arrested Development? Jim Bowden, the worst Baseball GM I've seen in my lifetime? Did Gilbert Grape make an appearance on the ballot? The only other viable option is Kevin Federline, but he had to be too lazy to research what a "President" was.

Was he running against Ray Frikkin Nagin, the insane Mayor of New Orleans? Did Nagin run on a campaign based on making LA "A Chocolate Haven" or something like that? Seriously, we need to know more about this. Maybe Logan was wearing a mask of David Palmer during his entire election tour, and only took it off after he had won. If not, what does this say about we, the American People (well, you the American people. I'm from Puerto Rico and as far as I'm concerned that's another country)? I'm pretty sure this is Fox's way of telling us we're stupid. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, I dunno.

Think about this: the country was being run by David Palmer. The man trusted JB (remember, we're not allowed to write His name; if you need further explanation, see my first post; The one about orthodox Jews), stopped terrorists about 400,000 times, punk-slapped his cheating, lying wife, saved the World more times than i've fantacized about Denise Richards, and did this all as our first black President. And he did it while looking good. AND he did All-State insurance commercials on the side. By Contrast, "President" Logan (I put this in quotations because I don't think he deserves the title, much like "President" Bush") has screwed up more times in two seasons than Courtney Love has been in rehab. No one is worse at dealing with adversity than he is. I mean, have you agreed with a single decision he's made? Logan is the guy who makes what my friends and I call BLD's, or "Bad Life Decisions". You know him, we all have friends like him: he's the guy who will go on a date with the girl from Craig's list when everyone knows she's at least a deuce, deuce and a half on a good day. He's the GM who signs Adrian Beltre to a 5 year 64-million dollar deal when the rest of the GM's in baseball are softly chuckling to themselves, and even Scott Boras is giggling like a raving idiot. Or in basketball, he's the guy who signs Mark Blount to a long term, expensive deal. In female form, this is the girl who sleeps with Shawn Kemp, asking "what's the worst that could happen?".

(note: this is not to be confused the the DLD, or Dominos life decision. The DLD comes from a common college problem: being ragingly drunk and thinking that only thing in the world that would make you more happy would be a Pepperoni Pizza from Dominos along with the Buffalo Chicken Kickers, and maybe 2 litters of Coke. You know you'll regret it in the morning when you wake up with delicious buffalo-chickeny goodness all over your pillow, but at the time it seems brilliant. It's just not important enough to be called a "Bad Life Decision". Other common examples of DLDs are going to see "Flight of the Phoenix" with friends, or buying the "Wild Things Box set", when you know you could download everything you need off the internet.)

My point is this: is Palmer to Logan the biggest drop of all time? Has there ever been anything as dramatic as this? And I'm not restricting this to politics; I'm talking sports, entertainment, literature, anything. Off the top of my head, I can think of only one comparison: remember the year when the Sox traded with San Diego for Cesar Crespo, and Nomar ended up missing most of the seaosn, and Crespo was the least productive player any of us have ever seen? I mean, Crespo had a .165 batting average AND On base percentage in 80 AB's. 2 RBI. If Crespo had gotten 400 Ab's that season, he would have accumulated 10 RBI, which Vlad Guerrero got in one game off Pedro martinez a couple seasons ago. Nomar -> Crespo isn't even as bad as Palmer -> Logan. There are a lot of very smart people coming up with crazy stats for baseball, namely VORP (or Value Over Replacement Player). So my question is this: can we quantify things like Palmer -> Logan? Can someone come up with VORPr (Value over replacement President)? What about Value Over Replacement Comedian, or Value Over Replacement Really Hot Hollywood Actress Whose Career Is Only Alive Because We're Waitng To See When She'll Get Naked (Or VORRHHAWCIOABWWTSWSGN for short).

I'm gonna draw this to a close, but two more thoughts before I go:

1) Sean Astin / Samwise Gamgee CANNOT play a serious guy. When he told Audrey in this past episode "Don't threaten me! You do NOT want to threaten me!", I giggled. Out loud. For like a minute. Has a show as good as 24 ever featured a such a blatantly horrible casting job? I mean, whoever plays Chloe is a really really bad actress, but at least she can play a very annoying unattractive cyber-Geek well, right? Did someone owe Samwise a favor? Was this their way of getting the Dungeons and Dragons crowd into the show?

(note: while watching the Lord of the Rings movies, it was impossible to ignore the ridiculous home-erotic atmosphere between Frodo and Sam. This whole time I felt very weirdly about it, like I was missing something. I found out what it is: it had nothing to do with Elijah wood, it was all Sean Astin. I watched "Rudy" and "50 first dates" recently, and Sean Astin just FILLS the screen with homosexuality wherever he goes. it's really really really creepy. Go back and watch Rudy and tell me Sean Astin isn't eyeing the janitor or some of the other players a little bit)

2) I have a prediction on how 24 will progress, but I'm going to save it for another time. Maybe later this week if you're lucky.

Remember, JB doesn't torture, he "Freedom Tickles"

Ice Breakers

2006-02-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

I supppossseee I'll start things off this week. Here we go:

-I will refer to Mike Novick as "Wormtongue" from now on. (Not to be confused to "wormtail" from harry potter... ). OMG is he creepy!!! and for no reason. gah! Sidenote: his dome is huge!! are his glasses so damn big to try to hide the fact that his head is that big? stew on that one.

-Higher ups in the US govt don't have "undo" buttons on their computers. They have "Jack Bauer" buttons.

-What hour are we in this season? Are we 1/3 of the way? Must be... cuz we just had the 1/3 of the way terrorist turnover. Should have seen that coming.

-As my buddy Joe noted, how is it that everything plugs into/attaches to every cell phone in the 24 world? (EX: the chip from Nathanson) geez, in the real world, you can't even plug a different battery charger into a phone.

Unfortunately, "WE'RE OUT OF TIME" for now...

jeff KAUERleski

David Palmer's Big Unit and other TV Spinoffs

2006-02-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

This is certainly 24 related enough to post: HOW SICK DOES "THE UNIT" LOOK? David Palmer was like, "Eff this, i'm way cooler than you" and is now part of a SWAT like team where he will definitely be wielding at least one side-arm. Oh hell yeah! It's like Palmer's Revenge. In fact, i'll be calling it Palmer's Revenge up until they make the movie Palmer's Revenge which will actually be an un-related horror movie about either a) Arnold Palmer's Texas Golf Club Rampage b) A really tall basketball player's killing spree involving mostly open palmed smacks, or c) A magician's sleight of hand murders involving numerous paper cuts from playing cards that are never to be seen again. Either way, The Unit has several barely recognizable actors, and I'm sure will be a smash hit. Marketing, baby, marketing.

Keep It Jack Unless Palmer's Involved In Which Case You Can Palmer If You Want To,
Witz

Lowering the Bar

2006-02-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hey! Slacker! Are you really intimidated to post here because you don't think you're funny? That's just plain silly. You are smart, friendly and keep good dental hygene. Jon loves you, Jeff loves you, I have had a crush on you since kindergarten. The 24 Blog is obsessed with you. You know that little flip you do with your hair when you're concentrating? That kills us. You have so many friends and the whole football team/cheerleading squad wants to date you. So post a message.

In an attempt to lower the intimidation factor I will now post a completely unfunny entry:

Today at work I was reading the trades and noticed that our man Bauer has started a record label! Apparently the man has been collecting Gibson guitars for years, and he is friends with these artists, and so he started his own label- Ironworks! www.ironworksmusic.com I don't really understand what his collecting guitars has to do with this, but that's what the article said... Are you a struggling singer/songwriter who needs an edge? Kiefer Sutherland will lend you a guitar and record your songs. Maybe. Who knows. I don't get it. Just go to the website. I think I saw a dijeridoo on there. Uh oh, Jack Bauer + dijeridoo has serious joke potential. Better finish up now.

If no one new has posted by next tuesday, funny or unfunny, I will start killing bugs at random and without remorse. I will kill one for every person I have ever met who has not written anything on this blog.

I Agree With JKow

2006-02-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

I posted this as a comment, but I want to make sure people read it. I agree with JKow. What's surprising is that I've been getting more and more people telling me how much they're enjoying reading the posts, and yet we're getting fewer posts as time goes on. My "uship" reference the other week was even read by someone at the company who referred to us as "one of the most popular 24 blogs on the net" which is both awesome and proof that people really ARE reading this.

Someone told me they were intimidated to write because they didn't think they were funny enough, to which I would say fair enough if life were fair. BUT IT'S NOT. If life were fair, Jack would be sitting at home next to his wife drinking a Milwaukee's Best watching Deal Or No Deal (it's always no deal) and musing silently on how Kim really filled out. Don't worry about being funny or what other people wrote. If you want to post, just write your thoughts and see what conversation it starts, or even just respond to what other people are saying. Either way, let other people know someone's reading, because ultimately, that's where the motivation is. One luv.

Witz

Jack Bauer's Gonna Kill YOU...

2006-02-16T10:14:00.000-08:00

...if you don't post more often! This amazing medium for 24 is slowing down like in season 3 when Nina infected CTU w/ a computer virus.

For my personal effort, I am going to respond to every posting. I encourage you to do the same.

LOST in 24

2006-02-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

So, I was really hoping to find an entertaining (new) posting to read today (weds) during my lunch break. bastards....

I guess that means I have to post instead. "DAMNIT!!!"

Moving on:
Where'd Diane Huxley and her son go last episode? Did they finally find their way out of CTU? What I'm getting at is that 2 weeks ago, I think, the pre-commercial split screen showed them walking (somwhat speedily) somewhere in CTU... and then they were still walking post-commercial split screen. is the place really that big? I mean, there's only like 5 employees at a time (Buchanon, Chloe, Edgah, Curtis, Spencer) and then plus random hangers-ons like Audrey "go to hell and you DIE" Raines and Austin Martin-wise Gamji (sp?) and the more than useless medical and security people. Did Diane and her son get lost in the "death rooms" perhaps? See deaths of Terri, Nina, Paul Raines, CTU headmistress' daughter, British terrorist from season 3..and the list goes on (I'm sure). Or perhaps they got lost in the "Mole" room (that back shady area where Chloe caught Spencer, for this season's example).

-jkow

ps: i'm thinking of starting my acting career as a Airport/Mall/other security guard on 24. I don't want to get too tied down w/ my first job.

The Following Took Place Between 2:00PM and 3:00PM During the Opening Ceremony at the Terrorist Olympics, where yes, Murderball IS played

2006-02-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

While next week's episode will officially kick off Happy Hour, there was plenty to be happy about this week. So throw on some socks and grab your Glocks, here comes some 24 summarization faster than you can say, "Don't move, there's a quail on your shoulder!"

Last week's episode ended with a bang, literally, as confusingly adept gun wielding/gun materializing out of nowhere sex slave girl shot and killed Rosler. "They're gonna call back any minute now and we haven't set a location!" Jack bellowed ending the hour in desperate suspense. Kicking off this week's show, Jack apparently thought up a clever scheme to bypass the entire problem: he decided to say "Yeah" in a really low, gruff voice. He then found out where the meeting point was from the terrorist, who we now know works for The WTW Organization-- The Worst Terrorists in the World. This spurns Jacks insightful statement, "I think we jut caught a break." Yeah, a huge one. Not only did you get the meeting place, but your enemy can now be categorized as borderline retarded.

Novick just can't lose the skeaze, can he? Mike No-wayamIlosingtheskeave-vick, decides that maybe a coverup can work, so he can "Go out with some dignity, you mean, not as a traitor," offers up President Droopy Dog. Wait, what? Am I wrong in thinking that maybe he oughtta go out as a traitor? Isn't that typically what happens when you're a traitor and shoot an ex-president/cultural icon and put the country in danger of massive (but not that massive) nerve gas attacks? If Saddam kills himself in jail are we gonna say "Let the man go out as the merciless dictator he was, not some sort of depressed prisoner followed by the release that, "Saddam was just tired and stressed out, but you know...not guilty..." This new plan of action quickly angers the President's wife who is told, "You can be the one to tell his wife that Walt disgraced himself, took the coward's way out and was a traitor to his country." WHERE THE HELL IS JED BARTLETT WHEN YOU NEED HIM? When Crazy-Like-A-Fox-Wife can't bring herself to tell Walt's wife, the coverup is in full-effect, all because nobody could bring themselves to tell the wife what happened? That's ridiculous! Isn't there an aide or something who can do it? Isn't action-oriented Aaron the security guard around to do something? Actually, where is Aaron? Moving on.

Meanwhile Jack gets jumped and thrown into a van while mumbling, "we're on the move," for the benefit of his Spy Tech earpiece. This somehow gets past the WTW as well as more clever lines like, "Oh my God, you have one of the cannisters with you" and "What's the target?" He asks where's he's going because he has another appointment that day that he wants to know if he's going to make. What other appointment would Rosler possibly have? "I need to bring my dog to get groomed at 4," or, "There's this mail order bride I need to pickup at the train station at 3."

Quick Note: Jack looks just as badass dressed as an air-conditioning repairman as I will ever look on my best day.

BONUS NOTE: Curtis is following in a black suburban. This means that he fits in more than most agents at CTU, but why not go the whole nine and give him a black escalade with spinners. NOBODY would question it.

The WTW decided to set off the nerve gas in what appears to be one of those fairly unpopular somewhat suburban one floor malls. "Vee vill set oof de nerve gas in ze Hot Topic." Astin Martin and The Cannon are both big on letting the gas go off in the mall so they keep their cover, so they call the one man in the world who won't be able to make a decision...The President. It's like the anti-Bat-phone. You call it and solutions get less clear, sometimes it just rings while the Pres sits by staring frightened at the phone. "Hi, we're not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, problem, and you're preferred solution, I'll get back to you with my best guess as soon as I can." Finally after trying to pawn off the decision to CTU and Mike, the pres decides to kill all the people buying Hawaiian shirts in Pacific Sun and far too delicious pretzels at Auntie Anne's. "They dip pretzels in frosting-- they deserve to die." Jack fails to deliver a killer line, but demonstrates that he "NO LONGER WORKS FOR CTU!" and gives the WTW the wrong remote detonation code. He then gets knocked out.

QUICK NOTE: Jack Bauer doesn't succumb to unconsciouness. Unconsciousness is acquired by Jack Bauer.

BEST LINE OF THE SHOW: By the terrorists for the advancement of the plot:
"Hold on, i'm going to put you on speakerphone." Hahaha...nice.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SWEEP THE LEG JACK! AWESOME leg sweep, neck crack, gun steal, handcuff unlock sequence.

Aaaand everyone in the food court dies. That sucks man. That's just rough. I suppose i'd be alright going out having just polished off a slice of Sbarro pizza or a chicken tendercrisp sandwhich at Burger King, but dying because you couldn't decide between the Phat Thai Hut and Chinese Express would jut be sad.

The live terrorist flees the mall in a jacked hundai and calls the head terrorist. What's unusual is that he inexplicably flips his phone open with his teeth. Can he not do the one hand thumb flip like the rest of us? What is that? Anyway, CTU units follow the terrorist who then kills himself when he realizes he's been followed. "You know what to do" the head terrorist tells him to which the other terrorist says yes and shoots himself. If that were me, I'd be like, "Yeah, I know what to do," and then book it out the back door. Maybe strip down and start dancing naked just to throw em off. Mental note: never say offhand to a possible terrorist "You know what to do."

Me: Cool, i'm going to the bathroom.
Terrorist: Can I play xbox?
Me: Yeah, go for it. You know what to do.
Terrorist: ::BANG::
Me: Shit.

Somehow CTU doesn't assume that Erwick is nearby somewhere, so they just hangout and let the terrorists get away with a huge conspicuous pickup truck full of 19 cannisters of nerve gas. Maybe this will be like My Name Is Earl. Each week from now on Jack does something to gain back one cannister of nerve gas while learning about life and himself in the process. Man, I sure hope so. Until next week, try not to shoot any of your friends in the face...accidentally.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

PS. Monday Night, while 24 was being taped in my apartment, my trivia night team won pub trivia in part due to the question "Who did Julia Roberts flee to Europe to avoid marrying?" The answer: "Kiefer Sutherland." Jack Bauer has the power to make Julia Roberts flee the country. I feel safer already.

The Following Took Place Between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM the Day of Walt Cummings' Pity Party

2006-02-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

I apologize for this post taking so long to get written, but this week's episode left me completely uninspired, and from the looks of things, it had the same effect on everyone else. A lot happened but not a lot seemed to HAPPEN. And yet, the post must go on, and I'm just the unemployed fool to do it.

The episode kicked off with promise, as Walt "Skeaze-to-the-wind" Cummings makes a subtle The Rock reference by saying that they weren't terrorists they were expecting to be patriots. In the words of Stanley Goodspeed, "SHAME ON THEM!" How many movies (or seasons of 24) do you have to watch to know that the patriot-terrorist thing rarely turns out for the better? Or maybe he meant New England Patriots; that's a lot more plausible what with the way he fumbled the ball under pressure.

They then find out that Nathanson went darker than the hershey bars left on the shelf, and Jack inexplicably says he's ready to be dead again. "I think CTU can handle it from here," he tells us in a desperate act by the writers to create conflict. Because no he doesn't. Jack NEVER thinks, nor should he he think, that CTU has it under control. Tony's in a coma, Michelle is dead, Edgah hasn't done anything in months besides horde swiss rolls, spenser is under arrest, and Chloe wore bubble wrap in her last flick. The BuCannon might have alzheimer's from the way he's been talking and making decisions, and Astin Martin is one phone call away from a role in I Am Sam II. After a few, "I'm a figurehead!" pleas from President Jowlsburg Cheese, Jack both tells us he'll stick around AND foreshadows the inevitable fall of humanity: Kim's still alive and will be in this season. I think Stanley Goodspeed said it best when he said, "You're insane, Mason. The kid'll have nightmares. I'll spend all my money on shrinks."

NEW 24 VIEWER: But who is Kim
STANLEY GOODSPEED: It's very, very horrible sir. It's one of those things we wish we could disinvent. This isn't a training exercise, is it?

Quick note: Did the casting director forget what ethnicity the terrorists were this season? They're like a mish-mash of every possible european/middle eastern ethnicity as played by a British guy who grew up in france.

Quick note: Astin Martin informs us that the nerve gas can do more damage than before, possibly in the hundreds of thousands or maybe a million casualties...which, like, sucks...but this could still be the least threatening threat they've had to deal with. I mean, nukes...meltdowns...viruses...all more than a million. Of course, this is all probably a decoy so they can actually STEAL NASA'S SPACE MISSIONS!

So apparently all you need is to have the terrorist's Zack Morris cell phone number and you can tell them anything you want them to do. In this case, some dude who I think fought Gandolf in the Lord of the Rings, knows how to reconfigure the cannisters. I would have had them put on football helmets and head butt each other. Then I would have called head-to-head contact and given them a penalty. Game over. We win.

So Jack and Aubdrey start talking again on the phone and people are arguing over letting Spenser back on the net, when all i'm thinking is what Stanley Goodspeed so eloquently put, "You know, I like history too, and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together but right now I just... I just wanna find some *rockets*!" The terrorists have gone to Monster Garage to get their nerve gas fixed...great.

Quick Note: Astin Martin's sister looks like a vampire zombie. TWIST!?

President Sleazebag is shocked that his wife is holding the whole not believing her and sneaking her into the crazy house thing against him...I feel like MTV's gonna pop out and be like, "Mrs. President, you've been with this man for 238472362 minutes, earning you 238472362 dollars...do you want to take the money or go on another marriage with this man?" Meanwhile Mike Novick, Jack Bauer, Chloe, and Buchanan are on the bus screaming "NEXT!" They somehow make up and now the president is forced not only to act during a closeup, but to tell his wife they can work on everything together, leading to a shot of Mike Novick looking from one to the other with his, "Oh, were we shooting?" face on.

Now I know people wanted 24 to move faster, and I agree that 6 hours can't be spent having Kim getting chased by a cheetah or a single-father, but it's starting to feel as if 24 is no longer being shot in real time. Jack shows up with Curtis at a terrorists house (Rosler? Roslen?) and speeds through dialogue ("What are you talking about spenser's under arrest. Fine, whatever, real time, real time, let's go, let's go!"). We finally get an infiltration scene from Jack and Curtis (classic back-of-the-head smack)and then they roll the penthouse guards and secure terrorist guy. In a massive anti-climactic moment, the girl behind the bed turns out to be a no-name fifteen year old kidnapped sex slave.

Quick Note: The kid opening the nerve gas cannisters in the metal shop learns that you can't trust a terrorist's word. Goodspeed says, "Glass or plastic, glass or plastic?"

TORTURE SCENE! It's like Christmas only...wait...where'd the torture scene go? He slapped him once! Curtis stepped on his toe! WHERE DID MY TORTURE SCENE GO? Astin Martin cuts the torture short (thanks studio execs) and Jack let's it go, so they give the terrorist everything he wants proving that we do, in fact, negotiate with terrorists, but only when we don't really have to. That's ok though, because before I can really care, Unfathomably Fifteen shoots New Terrorist Guy in an act of total predictability. This "How do you like me now, Brock?" moment backs her nickname Chicken Kiev, because she's soft and battered on the outside, but a raging ball of hot fury on the inside waiting to explode.

QUICK NOTE: This is a good one too. Edgah tells Chloe she did the right thing, and Chloe tells Edgah to shut up. Edgah then gets a one on one with the camera, where he actually appears to look directly into the camera, smile, and resume typing with a big smile on his face. Does Edgah have the power to speak directly to the audience?? This would be the best thing to happen to 24 since Jack shot Nina in the stomach for fun in season one.

Back in the White House, Walt Cummings hangs himself, prompting the immortal quip of Stanley Goodspeed, "How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?" Did they just let him hang out in that room (no pun intended)? "It was just too professional a tie for us to confiscate" the security guards said. "It was striped. Red and white striped." I don't care at all about Walt dying, but it does mean one more victim that Jack won't get to kill him in the future. Fact: Everytime a bad guy dies, Jack Bauer removes a bullet from his gun.

Since I already talked about Nickolodeon's Fifteen killing Rosler(n) Terrorist guy, I'll end the post on a happy note. Sean Astin Martin gets his ass kicked by a leather clad druggie near a dumpster. AWESOME. It was like Rudy finally got his. You just have to wonder if the thug was sitting in the shadows thinking, "This is my one chance, this is my one chance, I have to make it count." But i'm sorry, because as Stanley Goodspeed said, "I know, I'm rambling, I'm complaining, I'm sorry. What's your news, baby?"

Keep It Jack,
Witz

PS. If you were thinking of posting the "Yeah, okay, this is about the most awful thing I've ever seen" Stanley Goodspeed quote on the comments section, I applaud you.

Question...

2006-01-31T11:05:00.000-08:00

What material do they make "nerve gas cannister/nuclear bomb/anthrax/the plague" all-purpose stick-on automatic timers out of? They look like the free Brookstones clocks that you get with every purchase of $12.00 or more, which would explain why every terrorist has the same one. But the real question... what makes 'em stick? Do terrorists peel off the sticky paper before they place them? Or are they Brookstones clock MAGNETS?

They stay attached to anything (flat, round, metallic), and somehow, by sticking it on the outside of the cannister, the cannister knows when to open up and infect everyone (if it was a bomb and blew the cannister up that would make sense, but often they dont.. they just tell the cannister when to open up- ie. season 3 when Jack axed off Chase's arm) because I have't quite figured out how to fit a bomb in a brookstone clock yet... But I picked up 3 of em in December when I got my dad's girlfriend a parafin wax foot treatment, so I'll keep trying and let y'all know...

ps: if you don't see any more posts from me, you'll know that google finally sold out to the Feds and they came a'knockin at my door for those bomb comments...

Bauer Hour: The Following Took Place Between 12:00PM and 1:00PM the Day of Audrey Raines's Acting School Midterms

2006-01-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

Noon to one is a good solid time. It's a time for brisk walks, corporate lunches, or in my case, waking up. It's a time when you might receive the mail, espn replays old world's strongest man competitions, and when The Silo runs out of salami. For Jack Bauer, it's the time when lunch gets put on hold indefinitely, bathroom breaks are out of the question (see "Jack Bauer's Urinary Tract Infection" in a future post), and TIME IS RUNNING OUT!

This week's episode ran the gamut from classic "24" glorifery to brand-new levels of "24" woe. Despite this easily organized pro/con format I just established, I will inexplicably discuss the show in chronological order, because what is "24" really, if not a series of real time events presented in chronological order? I would venture to say...nothing? Perhaps?

Jack lights actions fuse right off the bat when he tells Bill Buchanan that THERE IS NO TIME (to build a case against Walt Cummings) and that he has to go in and sort things out himself. In another awkward "There's a good shot that the 24 audience remembers more about 24 than the writers do" moment, Jack says that he'll talk to Mike Novick because he can be trusted....does anyone else besides me remember the season when Mike was part of a con-skeaze-piracy to undermine President Palmer and take control of the govt? That seemed like something I might characterize as "untrustworthy."

Regardless, Jack gets the go ahead, which leads to the MOST EMBARASSING AND RIDICULOUS MOMENT IN 24 HISTORY! So embarrassing, that it got the sarcastic clap n' laugh, a "wow", and an empathetic post clap n' laugh giggle out of me. I am of course referring to the moment when Jack sends an instant message to Mike Novick's BLACKBERRY! "It's Jack Bauer. Call me on a secure line," Jack writes followed at least 20 seconds later by, "Tell no one." Now, I understand the whole suspension of disbelief aspect of fiction, but this is too much. Product placement aside, the idea of Jack IMing anyone is hilarious, and in my memory the exchange went like this:

BauerPower123: Call me on a secure line
M-N-M4eva: ...
BauerPower123: ;)
M-N-M4eva: ...
BauerPower123: Tell no one
M-N-M4eva: That's what you always say
BauerPower123: You know you want to
M-N-M4eva: It'll wake up my parents
BauerPower123: Just do it
M-N-M4eva: lol, I can't
BauerPower123: gg, call me l8er!

Second of all, this means that CTU has Mike's number/screenname/whatever those things have. This means at some point, Mike had to utter the sentence, "This is the number to my Blackberry," which just amuses me. More importantly, it seems to me like maybe Jack could have typed those two sentences together given their importance and the secrecy needed. My biggest problem with this incident, however, has to do with shear middle-school logic: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S JACK? Most of my friends have either posed as lesbians, parents, or teachers at one point in their lives in a chat room or instant message. I spent half of middle school and high school worried that I wasn't talking to the girl who I was told I was talking to, and ya know what? HALF THE TIME I WASN'T! All i'm saying is that if this were the real world, Mike Novick would be instant messaging back and forth with Jack Bauer's mom, sister, best friend, or jealous boyfriend. Regardless, the blackberry incident will forever live on as 24's most embarrassing moment. Very uncool.

NOW, after Mike returned Jack's call, a call we are later shown to have been monitored and eavesdropped on by Walt Cummings and possibly the dude in the white house closet named Nathanson(?), Jack heads over to meet Mike-- almost. First, he must waste at least 8 of my real-time minutes talking to Faked Death Fodder and Audrey about who kissed who on the playground. I'll tell ya what; I don't like either of em and neither does Jack. Huxley was dead on arrival and any love Jack had for Audrey went out the window the moment she donned those Vince Lombardi glasses for his episode. I know it's noon, but what kind of half-time decision is that? She looked like the offspring of Lisa Loeb and John Kerry (which I could totally see happening). Speaking of which, while binging on The West Wing DVD's this week, I realized that Sean Astin looks exactly like a young Martin Sheen, WHICH MAKES EVERYTHING FIT-- Sean Astin Martin. Just like I said! It's like the Da Vinci code for people with, well, you know, a brain. Side note: Bill Buchanan is the pilot of Air Force One in The West Wing season four. Back to business.

Once Jack gets to the meeting spot, Audrey feels the need to call him on his cell phone, because, you know, he's probably not busy. She asks him if he loves her and he tells her in great length, that yes, she should shut the hell up and never call him again. Now based on previous events, I have to assume (and points to The Kapps Report for mentioning this) that Walt and Nathanson overheard this conversation too, meaning that Jack Bauer just lost ALL of his street cred. I predict that conversation will be used as leverage later on in the season when the terrorists force Jack to shoot everybody's favorite forensic anthropologist Bones(she woke up at 8am five days a week for the Criminology Short Term).

Somewhere in here we find out that the nerve gas is going to take EIGHT DAYS to reach Russia where it will then be a problem for a foreign nation. It's about this time that we know that's not going to happen. I mean, 8 days? That's a long ass time. Are they using an uninsured redneck from uShip or something (www.uship.com)?? And Russia? No, a vague threat to a foreign nation eight days down the road is not going to set the dramatic tone that 24 depends on. So the rest of the episode of pretty much implied once we have that knowledge.

So Walt tells President "I'm Melting!" Jowlsberg that he's done a berry berry bad fing and Jack and Mike get captured. While this is poetic justice for Mike who locked others in closets during his trustworthy Palmer upheaval, I was momentarily annoyed at the slowdown. But then something awesome happened. FIRST, Bill Buchanan sounded like a giddy schoolgirl groupie when he suggested that they disobey the President's order to turn over power. "We can disregard the order." Buchanan tells Astin Martin who says blah blah blah no way. "That's because you don't have experience with this sort of thing," Buchanan goes on, oblivious to his role last season. "Yeah, see, I've seen Jack do this, it's pretty neat. You see, what you do is, you actually DON'T do what someone tells you to do, and you know, it's pretty cool and whatnot, and there's some dual handguns involved and sometimes some sniping and triple super secret double-agent work!" He concludes by saying, "You also need to make decisions faster," with such Jack Bauer protege fan-club earnesty that it made me want to hug him and put a band-aid on his knee. First rule of Jack Bauer: We're running out of time.

XxTheCannonXx: Hey, you there?
BauerPower123: What.
XxTheCannonXx: I just...I love you. I just wanted to say that.
BauerPower123: roflmao
XxTheCannonXx: Whatever. XxTheCannonXx has signed off

This is promptly followed up by Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce stepping up and fulfilling his potential per my previous post and proving that at the very least, Aaron Pierce reads this blog. Aaron listens to what Jack has to say, determines that if Jack Bauer's story is corroborated by a possibly insane woman, then it stands as truth (If Jack Bauer's story is corroborated by the Ashlee Simpson box set it stands as truth). He sets Jack free and follows him into the President's office where Jack kicks the crap out of Walt and, YES, TORTURES HIM A LITTLE! Aaron stands by confidently as Jack threatens to cut a man's eye out and then hands the President his badge when the treasonous conduct is concluded. At that moment it is revealed that Jack Bauer is Aaron Pierce's "Made" Coach and that Aaron was just officially "Made".

Predictably, the episode ended with the cannisters of nerve gas going missing, and a threat against the US which made no sense. If the terrorists wanted so badly to steal the nerve gas for their cause, why would they then waste it on the US when they finally had sole possession of it? This I don't know, but it will certainly make for better action packed non-stop action season...next week. I could have used an extraneous bomb being rigged to kill all the soldiers looking for the gas. Or how about a snipe? It's been at least 3 hours, couldn't someone go hunting, if only for food like in The Oregon Trail? It'll be a week before we know for sure what else we have to look forward to. Until then, keep checking back for more posts, keep spreading the word, and as always,

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz

Get Cage and Connery on The Phone, Now!

2006-01-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

If the terrorists decide to take the gas north to San Francisco and hide out on Alcatraz we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Nick Cage and Sean Connery have dealt with this before, and they had to battle Ed Harris!

First of all, I would like to say that the writers of this show have set back my respect for television women 60 years, to the point where I am likely to begin calling them "dames." Audrey actually calls Jack up in the middle of exposing an insider white house conspiracy involving terrorists and nerve gas to ask if when it's all over he will come back to her? And hug her and love her and buy her a puppy?? C'MON. Take a look in Jack's stylish olive drab messanger bag ($49.99 from banana republic) and see what's in there. Is it breath mints? No... Is it cologne and roses? Nope... A valentines day card? No. It's a fucking gun. And probably some ether. And deffinately a little concealed eyeball remover. 24 is sweet enough already. It doesn't need a half-hearted effort at a plot b romance to keep our attention. And girls are yucky.

Aside from this miniscule gripe, which I really played out more than necessary for joke potential, tonight's episode was sweet, proving once again that I get super excited every time Jack threatens to hurt someone in a gruff voice.

Prediction: Now that the first lady has credibility, her true crazy will kick in and people WILL believe her which will lead to trouble. Good night and good luck.

love, James

a little mid-week action

2006-01-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

wow... this thing is a flourish of activity post-monday 9:00pm EST... and then...

Here's something for you to chew on: how effing fast is this season moving through the plot? first season it took 12 episodes to get through the Gaines group and another 12 for the drazens... now it's 4 shows and the airport goons are done.

And another one: How is it that the terrorists are so smart that they plan diversion after diversion to get to their ultimate goal? They should try to KISS (keep it simple stupid)... especially considering the audience of fox and their news outlet.

Finally: if CTU has become better and better at sniffing out ridiculous terrorist plans (see above), how come they still have the worst HR(hiring moles... and KIM!!!)/medical(everyone effing dies) and security departments (how many times has someone snuck in/out, shot a terrorist after their husband died of a weaponized plague, drugged their boss, done heroin, snuck a baby in, gotten sniped on the loading dock, etc, etc, etc)?

-jkow

PS: who would win in a fight between Curtis/Palmer (big and black)? Chappelle/Mike Novik (squirly, white, and bald)?

Jesus Christ, Witz

2006-01-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

Did you steal some of my adderall last year and blow a couple lines of it before you wrote that last post? Unfortunately it was as funny as it was long, so I had to keep scrolling down using my laptop's touch pad. Anyone who has ever had to do this will affirm that this means I deffinately appreciated what you wrote. Anyway, get a real job so I don't have to deal with the logistics of your humor any more.

I believe I have an interesting point of view on our beloved show because I watch it with my grandfather, who I'm sure would prefer to be watching the weather channel. (Old people know something we don't, I swear. He's always talking about how foggy it is in Oregon, or whether they need rain in Wichitaw. More later, as I discover their secrets). My Grandpa indulges my 24 habit, but unfortunately, the only people more ADD than I am are old people, so I am constantly fielding questions such as "Who is that?" and "How about a little bourbon on the rocks?" I am usually able to handle these questions, but last night's episode had a few that I just couldn't compute myself.

Question I could handle: "Is she that woman from before with the son? Are they shackin' up together?" Answer: "Yes, she is, and no, I don't think so, although they seem to be keeping that ambiguous to unnecesarily thicken the plot between her and Aub-drey." P.S., when's the last time you "shacked up" with someone? I think that's brilliant- I am officially submitting it to be added to modern vernacular as something that "the cool kids are callin' it now."

Question I couldn't handle: "Why do they ride on the side of the van like that?" I can only assume that was meant to be some kind of "car surfing" outtake to later be cut in with scenes of Curtis and his S.W.A.T. team "backyard wrestling."

Question I could handle, but will be asked again and again, regardless: "So that's the bad guy there?" Answer: "No, Grandpa, that's the head of CTU- he's the good guy." The fundamental problem here is that the lighting on the set of the big bad terrorist mastermind hideout control room ($59.95 at KB Toys) is exactly the same as the lighting on the set of CTU. Until one of them hassles maintenence into changing the dead light bulbs I will be forced to field this same question every week.

Well I'm probably guilty of long-bloggin' it myself now (although ladies do love the long-blog) so I'll let you go with Grandpa's tip of the day: "Save your empties."

love,

James "Go Shack Up With Yourself" Getomer

Q&A (not to be confused w/ T&A)

2006-01-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

in no particular order (other than when i thought of them)

Q: did anyone else notice how effing funny last night's episode was?
A: no? "DAMNIT!!" I think chloe should be up for a golden globe for the "funniest awkward sidekick in a musical, comedy, drama, documentary, drama-dy, mockumentary or real-time show "

Q: how awesome was the scene at the beginning at the airport w/ Curtis' strike team hanging onto the side of the SUV?
A: very

Q: when i said "awesome", did I mean "funny" more than anything else?
A: yes

Q: who wanted a three-some w/ Audrey (Q: or is it Aubrey? A: who the eff cares!), the hot redhead Diane (from the short-lived baywatch hawaii, btw [no, I did NOT imdb that shit, i just knew it], and jack?
A: me (though I'll have to TM my buddy Tilden on that one)

Q: was the redhead my favorite on baywatch?
A: ...obviously

Q: Has Egdah gotten fatter since last season?
A: no, seriously, did he? I thought so, too. (side note, I wish Edgah would start doing the Edgar Renteria obnoxious oblique/side stretch that he did all the effing time!!)

Finally:
Q: can you TM "snipe"?
A: ehh....

Most lazy "explain the terrorist plot" line

2006-01-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

The missing "yellow tie" hostage (now in a warmer sweater and leather jacket) to his terrorist teammate: "Now those Russians will know what happens to people who occupy our land. We are going to turn Moscow into a graveyard"

His teammate's repsonse? "OBVI ALL CAPS"

What the writers almost used for Yellow Tie's terrorist plot explanation to his fellow terrorist:

"I am so happy that we have unearthed this nerve gas that has been secretly stashed here since the Cold War, and that the Chief-of-Staff of the United States is in on it with us, and that we had to kill Palmer (tear) because he was going to tell Marty, and that it is all perfect timing with the Russian/US anti-terrorist treaty signing.. aren't you? Moohoohahaha"

ps: caitlin sent me this link. I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far

The Following Took Place Between 11:00AM and 12:00PM the Day of Sean Astin's Bar Mitzvah

2006-01-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

Real time never felt so real. Aside from the driving, cell phoning (When Jack says, "We're running out of time" from now on, i'm going to assume he means that his minutes are running out and that he can't afford the overages), and rat corpse finding, I feel like "24" went out to brunch this week. They did a lot to move the plot, which I respected, but they also didn't fire a shot until the last 2 minutes of the show when they remembered that Jack Bauer was a fine tuned killing machine. While there wasn't very much action, the espionage kicked in, so although I felt like I watched more commercials in real time than usual, I enjoyed this week's episode.

How could I not like the show when it began with rat corpses!? Curtis stepped up into his apparent new role as The Man (with bling!) and immediately used his skills to find what warty old homeless women and young mentally challenged girls have been finding for years: dead rats. The difference between Curtis and I is that while his first assumption was nerve gas, mine was Crispin Glover. I'm not saying anybody in America saw Willard, but I did suspect Fox had a cameo up its sleeve. Unfortunately/fortunately, the threat is not pretentious actors, but nerve gas, and the only cameo thus far is from now credited guest star Sean Astin who will now go by Astin Martin for his lightning fast thinking and his ability to handle the turns that CTU throws his way.

Before we get to trouble at CTU I have to mention the "Nobody believes the truth because its messenger is effing nuts" plotline which is slowly working out the vein in my forehead. When David Palmer was just assassinated, Jack Bauer is not actually dead, and Skating With the Stars precedes "24" on Fox, isn't it possible that you should believe your wife when she says she might possibly have information to tell you? At the very least it will shut her up! Politically, I'd thinking being 5 minutes late to a meeting would workout better than releasing a "the first lady throws her feces" memo to the press. NOT TO MENTION, when somebody passes out, barely lives and there is no medical evidence to prove that she did it to herself, MAYBE instead of giving her the heave ho, it would make some sense to see what the doctor believes. I mean, couldn't they call in House for this? Or what about Bones? Just because she shares her name with a serial killer played by Snoop Dogg doesn't mean that she couldn't see what's what. But what should I expect, really, given President "Weapon X" Logan's inability to do more than gawk at life and occasionally look like there's something in his pants where there wasn't something a few minutes ago? I have to give Jeff and Bill Simmons credit for bringing up The Peyton Manning Face in the previous post, because there is a new face in town-- The President Logan Face. It's that look he gets when everythings going to hell (but still fairly easy to understand) when he's forced to respond to something or make a decision, and all of a sudden the jowls drop, the eyes swivel back and forth and all you see running through his brain is, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." Unless one of the fifty states is run by Dachshunds and Basset Hounds, I don't know which votes he was pulling as vice president on the ticket. Now back to CTU.

CTU was really where the ish went down this week. It's where the terrorists got their groove on, where Audrey got her "I forget what happened last season relationship-wise with us" on, and where Jack got his Bauer on. First and foremost, however, it is where Edgah got the line of the show on. This line wins the award for best line of the show AND most blatant attempt at bypassing real time television. Mad at Chloe for not telling him about Spenser's Toys and Games and about Frank Flynn's existence, Edgah angrily yawps at Chloe, "How could you not tell me about you two? We've known each other for years!" Really? Have you? Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's been like, a year and a half TOPS. Before that, i'm pretty sure you were living in Jersey collecting points from Hesh. And what time you had seems like it's mostly a working relationship. I've known people for fourteen years that I sometimes lie to for no reason at all. "Did you like Jersey Girl?" Fuck it, yeah, it was delightful. Stuff like that. I mean, JACK FAKED HIS OWN DEATH AND CHLOE WAS IN DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR. Move on. And that's exactly what we're gonna do here.
Because back in CTU The Huxley's have arrived. Obviously written as a black mother and son, but changed by Fox due to its Cops target audience (not so big on the interracial dating), Diane and Derek Huxley awkwardly move back into Jack's life. It's very obvious this was not his plan. Diane was probably hot to him when he could pack up and leave at any minute (proven by the line, "You're mother's a lucky woman to have someone love her like you do." -Jack to Derek implying that he get off his tip), but now he has to treat them like they weren't "I Faked My Own Death" fodder. The first thing that happens when they arrive is Jack sends Derek to the infirmary. "But I'm fine," Derek tells him. "You look like you have rabies," Jack replies, and off he goes. "Hi Jack," Diane coos. "You're cute when I'm drunk," Jack woos and Diane is shuffled off to an interview room.
The biggest moment at CTU and of the show really, was when Spenser revealed himself to be (inadvertently, The Recruit style) both a terrorist and a bad Keanu Reeves impersonator. We all knew what was happening when his PAGER went off and he shuffled away to the "Bad Guys Utility Room." First of all, what the hell was he doing with a pager? Nobody found that odd in CTU? Were the terrorists planning on planting a bomb inside Jack Bauer's WALKMAN? Are they wearing sambas and gazelle's so they can run away faster?? IS WALT HIDING NIKE PUMPS IN THE CLOSET?? "You have until the end of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to meet our demands. After that, we will force the Bills to lose the superbowl three times in a row!" The more notable aspect of Spenser's betrayal is that one of our own members PREDICTED IT A WEEK AGO. The Xtreme Ops Award for snooping out a plot twist goes to Notyourmomula (comments, last week's summary post) for this sniping of plot. It's about time somebody sniped something around here.
My problem with the handling of Spenser (and I think others would agree) is that Buchanan did the old "C'mon, tell us" bit instead of the Jack Bauer The Untouchables impersonation where he sticks the gun in the guys' mouth. "We, uh, really need you to, uh, help us...Spenser." Has there ever been a more necessary time to give Johnson a call? I mean, where is he with his eighteen inch needles and truth syrum? Was it really that long ago that The Secretary of Defense's son was strapped down and tortured with VR Boy until he admitted that yes, he did have plans to go on The OC and date rape his brother's girlfriend? I'm just saying that yes, Jack did get the answer out him later, but that's not how CTU should present itself. AND the only reason it was so simple was because the terrorist assassin tried to kill Jack down in medical. This once again proves my theory that CTU has THE WORST MEDICAL ROOM IN THE WORLD. I don't think there's been a single person who left medical in better shape than they went in. Audrey's husband- dead, not enough doctors. That old Female CTU Head's daughter- dead, suicide. Dr. Paulsen- dead, shot for his scrubs. His name was Dr. Paulsen. His name was Dr. Paulsen. The odds on Tony coming out of that coma just went down. Place a parlay bet on Tony surviving and Chase re-emerging with a cannon fused on his arm Mega-Man style and you just might win a lot of money.

In the end, as we all know, Jack went buck on the assassin and they finally connected Spenser with Pastey Skeazeball Cummings. My money is on Mike Novick taking him out with his very own Skeaze-Eye, but Jack is apparently totally free to track Walt down himself and deal with it off the payroll. Let's just note hat the last time he said he would do it by himself he was caught on camera, dealt to the Chinese Government, and had to fake his own death. That really worked out for him. Good ole Jack.

Extra Credit:

Do a character study of Aaron the presidential security guard. What is his moral compass? Is he too loyal? Have we mistaken loyalty with blind adherence to the rules of his superiors? Why wasn't he selected to stay with Palmer's ex-presidential security group after Palmer left office? And how did Mike get away with locking someone in a closet? Did Aaron let that happen?

Keep It Jack,
Witz

insert witty 24 title here

2006-01-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Some thoughts from the desk of Jeff Kowaleski:
fyi: I ate my lunch as fast as possible so I could make my first post)

-"Even jack bauer hates kim"- that's priceless.

-Good call w/ 24 taking out the #2 and #3 characters (or maybe 2a and 2b). wtf? wait, i got it, palmer will come back as joe boo (sp?, that's right from major league) using voodoo. tony came back from a point-blank shot to the neck... pfff... what's a car-bomb to the cubs-mug-toting man? he'll shrug that shit off like the panthers shrugged off the giants. (OHHHH!!! shit, that's right! eli and peyton can have "manning" face competitions back in nahlins together now.)

-audrey raines is the worst... why did they bring her back? maybe edgah "traded after hanley was already gone and the red sox are paying a bunch of his salary and Retcharia will probably have an all-star year w/ the braves" stiles will eat her... during the competition with the guy schlo-mo is with. (btw, how funny was the scene w/ chloe and the guy in bed. i wish i could remember some awkward chloe quotations.)

Top Jack Bauer Facts (In the tradition of Chuck Norris and Mr. T)

2006-01-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Jack Bauer Facts:

1.) While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.

2.) When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

3.) Jack Bauer doesn’t dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.

4.) Jack Bauer’s parents were an Austrian boxing legend named Otmar and a black Hummer H2.

5.) When Jack Bauer uses the phrase, “We’re running out of time,” he really means that when time is up, he will be forced to use his time machine to reload the level and play again.

6.) Jack Bauer avoided The Grim Reaper twice in his life; once by wearing Blue Blockers, and again by telling him his name was Frank Flynn.

7.) Jack Bauer has no problem using the oversized xbox controllers…but is still terrible at Madden 2005.

8.) Jack Bauer invented hammer pants by accident, but created Vanilla Ice on purpose.

9.) Jack Bauer can animate himself.

10.) Haley’s comet only passes by the earth once every 75 years because of a misunderstanding with Jack Bauer millions of years ago.

11.) Jack Bauer can dance the tango, the waltz, the samba, and on the graves of those he’s conquered.

12.) Jack Bauer knows that the end of Superman 2, when Superman flies around the earth to turn back time, is bullshit…because he’s done it. Twice.

13.) Jack Bauer is both circumcised and un-circumcised.

14.) Jack Bauer invented the internet, snapping, and dual hand-guns.

15.) Even Jack Bauer hates Kim.

Keep It Jack,
Witz

The Following Took Place Between 7:00 AM and 11:00 AM The Day of David Palmer's Assassination...And Other Knock-Knock Jokes

2006-01-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

Before I get started in on my uber-analysis/drinking game post of last week's episodes, I need to clear one thing up. This site is in fact called, "THEYDontKnowJack" not "YOU" which would be sweeter. The reason of course is because some douchebag who likes JACK RUSSELL TERRIERS took YOU and hasn't posted sice 2002. The blog has useful information like, "They're a type of dog" and "More information later." So we've been assigned to the less sensical, but easily more edgy title of "THEYDontKnowJack", but as I think we'll prove, WE do know Jack, but perhaps THEY don't, HmmmmmMMMmmmm?

Anyway, here comes the good stuff faster than you can say "Oh, good David Palmer's ba--." I'm sitting there on the couch, pumping my fist and trying to figure out if Palmer's brother was in Hotel Rwanda and feeling like i'm in good hands with David Palmer when all of a sudden...SNIPED(tm)!!! This both shook me and got me pumped (I know, but wait). When Palmer when down it was like Johnny swept the leg and I couldn't believe it. I love David Palmer like the black television father I didn't have (never got that into The Cosby Show), and when he got sniped I wanted to weep like the black son who was apparently cut from the show and will probably be recast when they decide to use him later in the season. BUT, and this is a big but, THE SEASON BEGAN WITH A SNIPE! Not only is this the first snipe for our Jack In the Box Presents The Snipe Tally, but think about it. This was the PENULTIMATE SNIPE! (The ultimate snipe is obviously sniping Jack Bauer) This is tragic, but also, it bodes well for the sweetness of this season. There, that is the most I will sound like a Jr. High girl in this post. Anyway, we'll miss you David Palmer, I guess Jabu didn't come through for you this time.

Minutes later (I know because it's filmed in REAL TIME! EFFING REAL TIME, BABY! LIVE IT!), A car explosion ends Michelle and Tony's super-awkward home life, and proves to us three things.
1) Nobody likes Michelle.
2) Everybody Loves Tony (8PM on CBS)
3) Tony will die, come back as a ghost (more powerful entity!) and save Jack's ass just when we think he's done for. Like last season when Tony utilized either a time machine or hover car in order to reach that warehouse where Jack was about to die.
**THEORY**
Tony was not put into a coma by the car bomb, but by his haircut going into hibernation.

Unfortunately, this now means Chloe, Edgah, Bill Buchanan, Audrey, and Curtis are our new offensive line. Does anyone else think this looks like the Pats at the beginning of the season when Bruschi was out and nobody thought they had a shot at the playoffs? It feels like the Uconn Basketball team where just a few years ago El Amin, Voskul, and Hamilton were ruling the court, and now everyone's cheering for Rudy Gay (More on Rudy related news later). It's not the team you fell in love with, but they're stepping up and now we have to deal with it. They're a little more awkward on the court, certainly more out of shape, and maybe a little Bad News Bears-esque, but they knew that if they sat on the bench long enough, they'd eventually move up to the limelight. It was just a matter of carbombs, snipers, fake deaths, and Nina Myers.

Speaking of Nina, what's Audrey's deal? Not only is she confusingly present in every scene, but she's acting like she had to give up Jack when he went into hiding. Didn't she choose her husband over Jack? She's like the forth string quarterback after his Nina, his wife, and that blond chick, who quit the team and then wants to get some front row tickets to the championship game. JGeto-ver-it. He's moved on. He's moved on to an even more annoying woman. What is with Jack getting involved with AWFUL women? I'm sure a whole other rant can be written about this, so I'll let it go. Let's get some psych majors involved.

Moving forward, Jack Bauer aka Frank Flynn (an alias he will now have in his file FOREVER) comes out of hiding, promptly kills the man who told him that he was being framed (nice) and once again proves to us that he's really into greasy teenagers. He's immediately sweet, killing everyone in his path, but then suddenly settles down, hides in the ventilation and takes it ease. WHAT HAPPENED TO JACK'S AWESOME RAMPAGE! Apparently, he's settled down, gotten control of his "kill" emotions and is welcomed back into the world (best line in the show: "I think it's obvious that Jack faked his own death, changed his name to Frank Flynn, and is currently wearing very cool sunglasses." - Bill Buchanan paraphrased) Regardless, this settling down led to one of the worst let-downs in 24 history. The line from the previews, "Let's get one thing straight Bill, I don't work for you!" was delivered at the absolute worst moment, when Jack wanted to use single ply toilet paper instead of Bill’s safer suggestion of two-ply.

Despite these setbacks, the show hooked me again and i'm ready for those former-hockey players to set off some nerve gas in a fictional airport (Ontario! Take THAT Canada!) and am ready to stand behind my new president....President Bipolar Distrusting Skeazey White Guy who makes Mike Novick look like Charles In Charge. Speaking of which, new comer White Houser Walt Cummings wins the Skeazier Than Mike Novick Award, while simultaneously being the most trusted man around. Probably because he looks like Kyle Mchlachlan from Twin Peaks. Plus, he uses ringback-tones so he's loved by terrorists and congressman alike. I am ready for the new season, ready for the action or passive aggression of Jack Frankly Baurflynn, and when that terrorist mastermind steps out of the janitor's closet in the White House, you heard it here first.

FINAL POINTS:
-Rumors of Kim coming back better be exaggerated, or else the show better move to HBO so we can see "the actresses."
-Edgah getting upstaged by new guy banging Chloe better turn into either an arm wrestling, food eating, or slam-dancing competition.
-RUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY! As long as Sean Astin Martin is onscreen, I can't help but be on edge, knowing that at some point, he will make that big tackle. GO TEAM.

Keep It Jack (Peace),
Witz