Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Slapping the 24 writers with a section 112

Remember when Curtis slapped Rudy with a section 112 and stripped him of his command? I'm doing that to the writers of 24 right now, right this instant. But here's the problem, I don't know what a section 112 is. I mean, they could have accused Rudy of a dozen legitimate things, like "being way too short" or "filling CTU with homo-eroticism" or "being a really terrible annoying character". Either of those work. But I'm assuming a section 112 refers to an employee or member of the organization losing control of a situation, where subsequently someone must say "Hey, hey you, sit the F*$% down and let me take over for a while. That's right, sit in the corner, bitch".

And with that definition in my head, I'm slapping the creators / writers of 24 with a section 112.

Fellow bloggers, fans of 24, Jack Bauer followers, Gentlemen and Gentlewomen, it's time we did somethign about this atrocity we call 24: Season Five. I'm tempted to carry this out like a trial for crimes against humanity with we, the bloggers, as the lead prosecutors, but frankly, I don't have the time. As such, I invite you all to take the torch and run. Instead, i will present my thoughts in Bulletpoint format.

-When Aubrey was named as the inside person in CTU / DOD, for the first time in weeks, I was PUMPED! Sure, the whole "Jack's female interest being a terrorist" role has been played out. It was so good the first time, that I'm glad they dropped it. Frankly, Aubrey cannot pull off the terrorist thing like Nina Myers could. She was dark and sinister in a sexy way. So on one side, I loved the plot twist, but on the other side, Aubrey just can't pull it off. That's like being the royals and you've had Ruben Gotay playing second base for a whole season, so Allard Baird announces you've acquired a second baseman! Only... it's Mark Grudzielanek, and he sucks, just not as bad as Ruben Gotay. That's what we are, my friends. We are a group of fans following a once-proud franchise of people who lost their way.

-There was a new hot chick introduced recently, and let me just say that she is REALLY Hot. But, like Carrie, I knew not to get attached cuz something would go wrong shortly after her introduction to the show. Sure enough, there it is. We all thought the sleazy looking dude from Homeland Security sexually harassed her, right? Well, after curiously-hot-CalTech-grad saves the day by finding the natural gas plant, Bill "The Man" Buchanon" gets so excited he brushed her shoulder. To which she responds "Did you see how he touched my shoulder? That was wrong"

...

That would be shocked silence coming from Big Ho. It took them 34 minutes to change "curiously hot chick" into "ok, now I get it" chick. I mean, come on. This is crazy. If you're gonna give a girl baggage, don't make it baggage that every man watching is going to get uncomfortable with. Make her a nympho that can't get enough sex. Make her a hardcore baseball fan. Give her a shoe addiction, make her a cage fighter, something!

And this is just part of a trend with 24. They have been unable to sustain anything good for more than a quarter of an episode. CTU got attacked by Centox! Holy crap! Edgar is dead! Rudy is dead! WOW!! Wait... wait what? They killed Tony? Is this for real. F*%& this s*!t

Audrey is the spy! The daughter of the secretaty of defense sold the country out! Oh man! Oh Crap! Wait... they already did this. Oh, you mean she's not the spy? Oh, and she forgave Jack in like 13 seconds for throwing her against the wall and bitching her our for being a slut? Great, keep up the good work, gentlemen.

-This season has featured:

1) The death of some of the coolest characters to ever grace a TV screen

2) Some of the most randomly generated Terrorists of all time

3) Said terrorists have nothing special about them, no evilness, no creepyness, no "this guy is completely capable of doing absolutely anything at any time"-ness about them. They're just a weird looking dude with a blond haircut and cheesy accent. What happened to the mummy? What happened to the Drazens? What happened to Nina Myers? Did the 24 people think they could just throw a random terrorist up there and we would just be scared?

4) I'm calling it right now: Jack is becoming a wuss. And I've realized something: Jack Bauer is the embodiment of America. Jack was once a man's man, capable of shooting old women in the knee caps, capable of killing anything that moved without feeling bad, a torture expert, and more importantly, a complete emotionally unattached killing machine. What is he now? He's broken.

Jack: TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!!
Audrey: I didn't do it Jack! I love you
Jack: NO! TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!
Audrey: Jack... no....
Jack: Ok, guys. She's innocent!

What the hell, JACK!? Are you really willing to sell your country out like that? I know you were furious cuz the traitor got some nookie, but come on. Ridiculous. But really, isnt that what's happened to the United States? Completely overreact, overly violent, we'll eat anything we're told with a spoon, and then we apologize like bitches cuz we're afraid of hurting people's feelings.

One last thought before I leave this: If Curtis doesn't start kicking some ass REALLY soon, he's going to become the Corey Patterson of the 24 world. Curtis got a lot of credit for looking like an absolute badass, much like Patterson had gotten a lot of credit for having "tools" and "athleticism". But what has Curtis done? Nothing. If he doesn't start performing (I.e. working a walk every now and again and maybe start inching that OBP over .290) I may send him to 24 purgatory.

Hollah at a playa when you see him in the street

-Big Ho

P.S. Some of you will notice that I no longer refer to Jack Bauer as JB, per my first post in this blog so many episodes ago. As Stephen Colbert would say: Jack Bauer, you're on notice.

1 Comments:

Blogger A Money said...

Going along with my original "crazy biatches," your little piece made me realize the complete lack of crazy males this season. Think of the previous terrorists: crazy europeans, oil executives, mexicanos, and freakin borat (or whatever that mummy guy's name was). Think of what Jack has done: dropped 93 people in the first 96 hours, domed his boss (season 3 in the trainyard), never gave a fuck what people told him to do.
Now the women are zanier than ever. And the men... lets just say they have fleshy patches where their balls used to be.

8:37 PM  

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