Saturday, January 21, 2006

Things that piss me off about 24

One important note: from here on out, I will refer to Jack Bauer as "JB". There is an important spritual reason for this. Much like Orthodox Jews are not allowed to write God's name in print, and often write "G_D", I am not allowed to write JB's name. JB is my new Deity, and he is so much cooler than all other deities, that he encompasses all those other deities as well. For example

1) JB died for our sins
2) JB will be represented by a picture of a fat, bald Kiefer Sutherland in a loin cloth
3) JB throws thunderbolts and empregnates unsuspecting women
4) JB could kick Chuck Norris' ass. In fact, the creators of 24 toyed with the idea of introducing Norris as the main villain for this season's 24 hours of Glory, but decided he is a pussy compared to JB

Now, on to things that have angered me in the first hours of 24

1) Here is a list of characters who are almost as cool as Jack Bauer: President Palmer and Tony Almeida. One of them was killed 13 seconds into the frikking show, the other one is in a hospital in what appears to be a coma. Palmer is dead and he's not coming back (other than the awkward moments when he appears in an State Farm insurance commercial while I'm watching 24, which almost sent me into seizures when I saw it. More on this later)

The Tony situation is a lose / lose situation. The man just got screwed by a freaking car bomb. He has 20 hours to come out of his coma / the operating table and do something cool that makes people forget about JB for like 3 seconds. If he doesn't, well Fuck, we just lost out on an awesome character. If he does, I will not believe he could ever do it. Even tony can't cuz blowed up by a car bomb and save the day 4 hours later. Can't happen. Sorry.

So instead of Palmer and Tony, the people who survive are that fat fucking slob Edgar (check the tapes, I don't think he's been in a single scene where his ass isn't glued to that chair; I cheered when his mom died in the nuclear explosion) and that amazingly unattractive blond woman who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I can't even describe how upset I was when this happened. I almost turned off 24 for good. but it would be a sin to turn your back on JB. And unlike all those other pussy deities, JB does not forgive....

Now, for my random tangent. President Palmer was assasinated early on in the first show. This was upsetting enough. I feel like a piece of me died with him. I was in shock, cried for help, but no help came, only commercials. So imagine my shock when Dennis Haysbert (Pres Palmer) shows up on my screen only a few minutes later! Hope! Glory! Salvation! It was a trick! A setup!

"A traffic accident is your worst moment. But we like to think it's where we shine. Sign up for State Farm insurance today. Like a good neighboor, State Farm is there"

My heart comes crashing to the ground. This is comparable to all those Red Sox moments. There is only one comprabale situation: your wife is pregnant, but you think the baby isn't yours, so you go to the doctor to get it checked out. he comes back and says "The Baby is yours, congratulations". What joy! your greatest fears have been allayed! You can live life with a weight off your shoulders like David Ortiz has climbed off your back. Then the doctor looks at you with a confused look and says "shit, my bad, I came into the wrong room. Well, while I'm at it, the baby is in fact not yours. Do you know someone named Kemp? Shawn Kemp?"

I have never felt so betrayed. And not just betrayed, but betrayed to STATE FARM FUCKING INSURANCE! And you know someone at Fox thought this would be HILARIOUS! I mean, are there any decent people left at the Fox Network? I doubt it.

JB would never have done that to me

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